A Strangely Beautiful Journey

I still remember this day, 3 years ago...even what I was doing around 1:30 on that day that changed everything.  It was my sister's birthday, June 10th, and she was turning 14.  Lazily I sat around on the couch, playing Super Smash Bros. on the Wii, trying to beat my previous record of how many characters I'd destroyed.  My sister, as I recall, played a bit with me, and I do remember having a lot of fun with her.  We tended to team up against annoying opponents on the game, totally annihilating anyone who stood in our way. :)  Not long after Aspenn, the birthday girl, stopped playing video games with me, I got kind of restless.  And, I will never forget what happened next.  The Spirit gave me the craziest prompting I think I've ever had - mostly because I wasn't ready, and otherwise because I did not see what good it would do.  I was prompted to post a statement on Facebook about being gay and Mormon, so that others would be touched by what I said.  At first, even though I'm a very bold, confident man, I resisted that prompting very strongly.  I said to myself (or maybe to the Spirit, or both), "You know, there is absolutely NO point to me doing this.  And, who knows how people are going to react?!"  But, for the next few hours, the Spirit kept nudging, poking, and prodding me to do it.  Finally, I yielded.  "Here goes my reputation," I said, then half-seriously, "but I guess there's nothing wrong with blowing it to hell for God's purposes."  My hands sweaty and shaking, I sat down at my parents' kitchen table after requesting to use my father's laptop.  With a pounding heart, I simply began to type, because I had NO idea what to plan on saying.  I just let it all out, explaining to everyone that I was gay, was still going to stay strong with the LDS Church, and that the Lord had asked me to reveal it.  How I wished I hadn't been asked to do it!  But, the response of love I got was overwhelming.  Indeed, as I just now took the time to read the post from 3 years ago, I am overwhelmed by joy and gratitude, seeing all the people who loved me back then, and who still love me now.   In this post, I just want to discuss where I've come from, and then tie that back into what I normally speak about, that is, a helpful principle or two for my LGBT+ Mormon friends.

Though like 95% of the responses to me coming out on Facebook were positive, I had at least one that was pretty ugly.  My great-uncle messaged me privately, accusing me of being a "fraud" and "untrue to myself", because of my religiously devout attitude.  Because it was such an emotionally raw time, I am not proud to say my reaction was pretty negative.  I fought back with both religious and logical messages, defending where I was coming from and pushing him away.  Eventually, I blocked him on Facebook because I could not handle it anymore.  That ended, but that certainly wasn't the end of things.  You see, a handful of friends started acting different when they asked about my Facebook post.  They still acted weird about it even after I explained where I was coming from.  Needless to say, those friends are not my friends anymore.  I firmly believe Proverbs 17:17, which says, "A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity". That is my philosophy I live by with friendship, and nobody gets an exception.  Naturally, I apply it with wisdom, but I do not give people room to be ignorant and callous to the point of personal self-injury.  I simply release such people into the world, allowing them to do as they will without harming me any longer.  To continue, though, let me just expound on a few other negative moments.  I am not going to paint my journey with being a gay Mormon man all pretty and pristine.  It has been anything but that in the last 3 years. I've had friends tell me they did not want to hang out 1 on 1, despite knowing my character for a while, and then be rejected by those same friends.  I was banned from the Ogden Institute partly due to homophobia (see my last post), and I've had people gossip about me when I have been disfellowshipped from the Church.  There have been friends and family who have believed it inappropriate to hang out with guy friends alone, or some who have said I could "choose" to be straight, or to "reduce" my attractions simply by willpower.  And, shortly after this Facebook post business, the Spirit prompted me to come out to my ward in sacrament meeting.  Some gossiped about me in my ward when I did that, which didn't surprise me when a friend told me about that years later.  I had a feeling it was happening anyway, but I held my head up high.

You see, my point in blogging about such ugly behavior is not to get people to pity me.  Far from it.  I want to illustrate that I have been through some pretty hellish stuff with my sexuality, in and out of the Church, and that nobody should use it as a crutch.  Believe me, being bipolar, and having dealt with anxiety, depression, and a profound lack of social skills, I understand that journeying with this can be inexplicably difficult and heart-wrenching.  But, everyone is journeying on a hard journey, and being gay is NOT harder than other life experiences, religious or not.  Nobody has a harder difficulty than another, because opposition is tailored to a person's ability to bear it.  What one man deals with, another could not, and vice versa.  Doesn't mean one is "stronger" or "more righteous" or "better" than the other, not at all.  Beyond that, I want to illustrate with those words and upcoming words that ANYONE can progress and grow in beauty with their sexual orientation.  ANYONE can forget the haters, turn their back on gossipy people, and search out the family and friends who will support them!  I don't give a crap if you're LDS, Buddhist, Muslim, or atheist, if you're LGBT+ you have something to contribute to society!  And you have beauty within, more than you might realize or give yourself credit for.  There is power in claiming this rainbow-colored piece of yourself, and saying, "Yeah, I'm (insert identity here), but I am owning it and telling myself today that I can be confident in it!  I can love people, and make a difference!"  I am of the firm conviction - and you'll see why as you read on - that God has sent LGBT+ people into this world to show us all how to love, and to live in a way that is pleasing to God.  If you have ever been at a gathering of good-mannered, civilized LGBT+ people, the spirit of love there is overwhelming.  My rainbow-hearted people are friendly, good-natured, and welcoming to all who attend their gatherings, from what I have seen, provided they are also being at least respectful, if not of the same spirit themselves.

Now, I want to share some moments of beauty, which (for the most part) I have seldom told to anyone.  I believe the Lord wants me to share them with all of you, my readers, so please read them with a heart committed to be respectful.  My first experience dates back to when I was really first realizing I was gay.  At the Ogden Institute, through choir, I had met a man named Ryan who is literally one of the most Christlike men I have ever been blessed to know.  He and I bonded pretty quickly, and he would sometimes invite me over to his house.  Trouble was, I wasn't sure what my sexuality meant, and I also was VERY bipolar back then.  Notwithstanding this, though, I rarely saw any anger or frustration from Ryan, even when I'd show up at his house at like 10pm during the semester, or when I asked for a priesthood blessing like twice a month.  He was one of the first people I came out to, and even then, he still let me rest my head on his shoulder as he did homework, and still let me hug him quite often.  I loved him, so much.  Though he did get married after almost 2 years of knowing him, I knew the Lord had sent him into my life.  His love helped temper some of the temptations I dealt with back then, caused by both my sexuality and unchecked mental illness.  Another time, about a year ago, I met a beautiful man (both inside and out) named David.  After I started hanging out with David, because he was handsome and very, very kind, I started to get a crush on him.  David wanted to hang out with me, and invited me one Sunday to go to a festival with him, after church.  I did, but on the way, I got all jittery and kinda depressed about my crush, and I requested to go home.  The Spirit urged me to speak with David about it, and I resisted.  Eventually, though, I yielded as I was getting out of the car.  I told David privately what I was feeling, and when I was done, he said, "You don't need to worry at all about being someone else around me.  I'm still your friend, and I still love you man."  Then, he brought me in for a hug, and held me for a little bit.  In that moment, I loved him more than I can express.  Then, we went to the festival and had a marvelous time.

I have had even more beautiful experiences since, but I am not really in a place to share them.  Such experiences only warrant sharing in very, very special moments, and this isn't one of them.  Suffice it to say though, that God has given me platonic, godly male to male affection, both emotional and physical, which I sought since I first realized I was gay at 18.  Never did I believe I could obtain such closeness with men, though I did thirst after and yearn for it constantly.  But, it was when I started to love myself as a gay man, as well as a devout Mormon, that I arrived at a good enough place emotionally and socially where God deemed me ready to handle such friendships.  I reflect on my journey, from 2013 to now, and I see a man who used to shame himself for lack of friends, get down on himself because of mental illness, and worse.  I see a man who cried out for intimacy with friends and even family, and did not obtain it because he was not yet prepared to venture forward into such uncharted, deep waters.  Now, I see a man who is confident, surrounded by amazing guy friends and girl friends, and who reaches out with compassion to those plagued by mental illness, because he is stable himself.  I think back to that day 3 years ago, and I bless God for urging me to share of myself, because I have had people indicate they were blessed by me coming out on Facebook, and by starting my blog which I was prompted to start immediately following my coming out post.  And, while helping so many others by my boldness, I have helped myself perhaps more than anyone else.  This blog and my regular posts about my sexuality help me to navigate the occasionally confusing and anxiety-provoking journey it is.  I have explored so many nooks and crannies about this spiritual and sexual journey that I almost feel like I've satisfied the majority of questions anyone could have.  But, because life marches on and changes to my view, I keep asking questions and keep exploring answers.  Thank you for reading, my dear friends.  I love you guys!  Until next time...

Imperfection and "Idiocy" in Church Leaders

I'll never forget the night my stake president came to my ward FHE, because I knew the dreaded news he was going to deliver.  My intuition was yelling it in my ear, but naturally I stayed in denial until he actually said the dreaded words.  Up until now, the Ogden LDS Institute Director had met with me a few times, giving me warnings about my "inappropriate behavior".  You see, I'd been accused of sexual harassment from other Institute students, and had legitimately homophobic complaints leveled against me.  Yet, I had been innocent this whole time, though obviously falling short in socializing at times, as does everyone.  Sitting on the train to Salt Lake City, though, I can remember that night like it only just happened a week or two ago.  My stake president gestured to me, and we walked over to a more private area.  He proceeded to take an envelope out of his suit pocket, pulling a letter out of it.

Because of the false accusations I've just mentioned, the Institute Director indicated that I was indefinitely banned from attending Institute.  Just to make clear the weight of this announcement, that was like 75% of my social life, no exaggeration.  And though I have occasionally heard stories like this from my LGBT Mormon friends, it's one of those things where you say to yourself, "Yeah, that happens, but it'll never happen to me.  That's ridiculous."  But then, it does happen, and you're left with choices not a few that fall in just a handful of categories.  At first, my reaction was feeling stabbed in the back, accompanied by anger soon after.  Ironically enough, this semester at Institute was where I had acted the most authentic, and tried to love people deeply and individually, as the Savior does for each of us.  And on an infinitely smaller scale, I was led to the slaughter just like Christ was, though He had done no wrong either.  With fierce anger, I looked my stake president in the eye and said, "You know, it's just lucky that I am the man that I am.  Otherwise, I could raise hell and rain it down on the Institute.  This is a hot topic in the media, and it is still pretty fresh from the policy change (which it was, being late December 2015).  You know what I could do here?"  He responded, "Yes, I'm aware, and I don't agree with the decision.  But it's out of my control.  There's nothing more I can do"  I sighed, and said, "Yeah, I know.  It's just really painful, you know?"  Thus began my journey of trying to sort through desires to apostasize, defame the Institute, rebel and attend anyway, and so on.  But I am not so rash.  Not usually, anyway.  ;)

For the first month or so, I battled with depression, and feelings of shame, self-blaming, anger, unforgiveness, betrayal, and loss.  Questions raced around in my head, like:  "Did I really do something so bad to create this?", and "What am I going to do about seeing my friends, and/or making new friends?", and "How could people I loved so much stab me in the back like this?", plus other questions about forgiving the very callous, unkind Institute Director, how I could reclaim my reputation, and so on.  The people involved in the decision of banning me were not all priesthood leaders, such as the director and his supervisor.  However, my stake president did not advocate for me very much when they asked his opinion.  He simply told them to do what they thought was best.  Since he and I had developed somewhat of a friendship, I felt betrayed by him, too...though not as profoundly as I did by the students of Institute, of course.  In essence, both priesthood leaders and leaders with priesthood (but not with direct stewardship over me) had acted in a very imperfect capacity, basing their decision on exaggerations and outright lies.  As a gay Mormon man, I must admit that despite my promises to God to stay faithful to Him, the openly gay community looked pretty appealing to me at this point.  Even past this month of intense emotion and inner conflict, I debated about finding a long-term relationship with a man, one I could potentially develop into a marriage.  So, thus began this ugly, dark time of faith crisis and cognitive/emotional dissonance.  People look at me now, though, and maybe wonder on occasion how I am still active in the LDS Church, and still living outside the world of gay dating, romance, and sex.  I'll attempt to explain a more relatable way for everyone.

My whole life, the Church has guided but not dictated my actions.  Previous issues with spiritual rebellion have shown as much on my part.  That guidance has sunk deep into my heart, creating a very powerful and resilient devotion to Jesus Christ and God the Father.  It's not brainwashing or taking it on the words of others, as some would suppose.  Rather, it is something I cannot abandon because I have inseparably intertwined it into every aspect of my life.  It's part of me, in every way.  That is the first reason why I didn't allow others' imperfection and "idiocy" to drive me out of my spiritual journey with God, as I have previously experienced it in the LDS Church.  Second of my reasons is the people, oddly enough.  Though it's inescapably true that you get uneducated, judgmental, and cruel people in the LDS Church, it's also undeniably true that you get those people in every religion and spiritual following, Christian or not.  Wherever I go for religious and/or spiritual fulfillment and guidance, it'll be found everywhere to some degree or another.  Since I consider myself a very positive and resilient man, I figured I might as well stick with what has worked before, instead of searching for that social networking elsewhere.  Some of my closest and most virtuous of friends have come out of my religion, indeed, the majority of them have.  Why go elsewhere?  The glass is full somewhere, whether it's at half or not is irrelevant.  I choose to focus on what I do have in my social experience with the LDS Church, as a practice of love and gratitude I apply to not just my religious and spiritual life, but everywhere else, too.  And my final, major reason is simply because I'm a stubborn mule.  Just because someone tells me that I'm done with the Ogden LDS Institute, doesn't mean that I'm gonna let them tell me how to live out the rest of my relationship with Jesus Christ.  That's a personal matter, one that I'm totally unwilling to let others tell me how to create and cultivate.

The real question of this post, then, is how do you move forward in a situation similar to mine, whether more severe or less so?  I don't think there is really a universally applicable set of answers for us all.  Everyone is different, and so everyone has to find that for themselves.  But, I will say that you can ask yourself, "Why am I still doing this?  If I look into the very center of my heart, what drives me to say, 'I'm going to keep doing this, even though it hurts like hell' ?"  I promise, if you look deep inside, you'll find at least a couple of very powerful reasons why you will keep going to church despite careless and maybe malicious remarks a leader makes, whether in Relief Society, sacrament meeting, or one-on-one.  Regardless of that homophobic sister or elder, the dumb remarks people make about gay marriage, LGBT Mormons, or whatever else people say that stings/cuts deep, you will in turn, say within, "Because of __ , I am not going to let that person dictate what my relationship to the Church and with my Savior, Jesus Christ looks like.  I will continue to enjoy __ about the gospel."  That statement calls up another thing you can do, generally speaking.  You can look deep inside your heart, and ask what it is you love MOST about the gospel.  Not what people say matters most or should matter to you, but what makes your heart rejoice, feel peace, feel love, and all that good stuff.  Why do YOU love the gospel?  And when you find those handful of things, I would say, "Awesome!  You stick with those things, because you know they're good and true.  Believe that stuff while you're hurting, and try to open up to the other stuff when you're ready."  I have faith that we can raise our souls so high, that the offenses of others cannot reach them.  And, at some point, you may say to someone through tears, as I did with my dear mother, "I know this hurts, but I will not let this ruin my relationship with Christ.  I won't."  Until next time... love you guys! <3

P.S. Here's the newspaper article about that story with Institute, if you have questions/are interested:

http://www.standard.net/Faith/2016/03/20/Homophobia-or-behavior-issues-Ogden-man-banned-from-LDS-Institute-of-Religion

Fear of Humane Tranquility

Homosexuality.  Gay.  Bisexual.  Lesbian.  What crosses your mind when you read these words, or what stirs in your heart?  For many, fear of the unknown or of preconceived notions surfaces.  Others, their brain plunges into the dark caves of confusion, wondering where to go next, and their heart stands still for a split second, not knowing the purpose of its next beat.  Though we can partly assign blame to society's teachings and our internalization of them, yet these unsavory reactions cannot possibly endure with time simply from passive allowance.  No, those who experience these sorts of responses have permitted themselves to remain in them.  Although such reactions can be automatic, virtually anyone can take and alter them.  Some may ask, "Well, what's the big deal?  It's my choice, and nobody is being hurt by it."  My intent in writing to you, dear reader, is to show you what this fear looks like, and how you can move in a more positive direction with it.  Nobody likes fear, and so you might as well replace it with love and faith! :)

In general terms, we call this fear "homophobia".  Personally, I think it is very cliche and even abused sometimes, but for this post it is necessary to repeatedly use it.  To put a semantic fence around this word, though, I define it as follows: "Homophobia - An exaggerated or irrational concern of homosexuality, which is some form of affection between individuals of the same sex."  Since I want this message to reach a more diverse group of individuals, I will incorporate both LDS and non-LDS themes throughout.  In defeating homophobia, we must explore behaviors, attitudes, and emotions of people with some degree of homophobia, small or great:

1.  Avoiding people who are partly or fully attracted to members of the same sex, whether at work, school, or in daily life.  Often, such avoidance is extreme and is most obvious when a homophobic person avoids someone's efforts to befriend them, or when in close proximity to said individual.

2.  Showing discomfort in the presence of gay, bisexual, lesbian, etc. individuals, with no logical reason for doing so.  Simply by virtue of them being around, the homophobic individual feels uncomfortable, usually because of preconceived judgments from religion, family, or elsewhere.

3.  Misinterpreting friendly moves on the gay/lesbian/bi person's part, such as appropriate physical touch, requests to spend quality time together, compliments, and so forth as sexual or romantic advances/interest.

4.  Making statements that are homophobic, but passing them off as not being such with phrases like, "I'm not homophobic...but.." or "I have gay friends".  In essence, such a person says homophobic things while either subtly deflecting any suspicion of homophobia, or while citing their ties to other gay people in some sort of defense of the negative statement.

5.  Using humor to say homophobic stuff, so that their laughter and the laughter of others masks and even hides the inherent disrespect or cruelty behind their words.

6.  Adding statements after a sentence like, "No homo", or "Not that there's anything wrong with that" or "Not that I have a problem with it".  These phrases often indicate some lingering fear, discomfort, apprehension, or anxiety concerning some or all things gay.

7.  Withdrawing your company from someone after finding out they are not straight, partially or fully. Examples include hanging out less while justifying it somehow (i.e., "too busy with __ " ), asking your gay/lesbian/bi friend to bring someone else along to "make it more comfortable", the homophobe insisting on bringing their boyfriend/girlfriend when hanging out, etc.

8.   Believing homosexuality/bisexuality is a choice, instead of a complex experience formed from many different areas in the individual's life.

All of these, when read, really put homophobia under the proverbial magnifying glass of truth, showing all of its ugly scars, bumps, festering sores, and all the rest of it.  Homophobia is ugly, whether on the end of heterosexuals towards LGBT people, or even LGBT people toward heterosexuals.  It goes both ways, though I won't assign more weight to either side.  The fact remains that this divides humankind in many ways when we could be enjoying each other.  It is rather saddening to think on what beautiful friendship and perhaps even romances have been missed out on, due to the piercing judgments of homophobia.  The ironic thing is that close, heterosexual friendships are very healing and affirming for LGBT individuals, a great amount of the time.  Thus, in allowing a form of bigotry to fester in the heart, people who are homophobic deprive themselves and others of wonderful opportunities to experience love.

I would challenge everyone in contact directly with the LGBT community to reconsider the legitimacy of their "concerns".  Most of the time, the reality is that if you're fearful or anxious about someone in the LGBT community, you just need to take some time to give that person the benefit of the doubt.  Spend time with them, or talk to them on the phone a bit, at the very least.  Love and communication are two essential keys to promoting friendship and kindness in place of judgment and homophobia.  At the heart of homophobia, fear and uncertainty rest.  If one experiencing this unpleasant emotion and/or state of being examines things logically, reasoning that everyone is worth a chance at getting to know, pretty soon that fear and uncertainty will give way to bonding and enlightenment.  Spiritually speaking, I know that Christ is pleased when we make honest, persevering efforts to make righteous judgment calls, instead of unrighteous/snap judgments.  He also is pleased when we make effort to pursue the spirit of charity, defying the current of worldliness and riding the tide of spirituality.  There is no need to perpetuate fear of potential tranquility among us humans.  We must embrace the beauty of coexisting with one another, despite our differences, realizing that though opinions differ, our hearts don't have to.  Until next time... Love you guys.  :)

The Forbidden Book - Part 2

Here, I finish up my clarification of some controversial writings put out by Spencer W. Kimball while he was an apostle in the LDS Church.  Moving forward in some of his most "provoking" remarks, we see that he emphasizes the seriousness of homosexuality as a lifestyle, then states that justifying oneself in its "perversion" is almost as serious in terms of sinfulness.  To start with what might be irritating to some, I looked up the word "perversion" online with Merriam-Webster.  Its definition states that a perversion is sexual behavior that people think is not normal or natural.  Though the LDS Church understandably has a somewhat shady history in their approach, verbal or otherwise, to homosexuality, I cannot help but notice that do so many other sects of Christianity.  Indeed, I would argue that the whole of Christianity has typically shown some degree of prejudice or bias against homosexuality overall.  From a neutral, objective viewpoint, I see it, as a practice, violating the most fundamental beliefs of Christianity.  Now, so do the attitudes of fear, hatred, prejudice, and so forth of people who claim to be Christian.  My point?  Calling homosexuality a "perversion" is not a slur against those who identify as homosexual under some label or another.  Rather, it is an affirmation of belief in a Christian sect, from a leader who happens to also be LDS.  Also, within the context of this remark is that he was emphasizing the detrimental effects of self-justification, which is not only true for homosexuality, but also for every other behavior Christianity deems as sin.  With that aside, then, let's move forward into the real meat of this quote.

President Kimball states firstly that many have been misinformed that they are powerless in this matter.  For some, they believe President Kimball is stating that sexuality is a choice.  However, if one interprets this as him stating that any LGBT Mormon can choose to live a life centered on the teachings of Jesus Christ, then that makes much more sense.  Any attraction or temptation does not hold such power that it overrides human choice.  Now, freedom can be limited, which is the power to carry out a choice one has made inside the mind, a choice that hasn't yet been executed.  But, an infinite God whose power extends beyond the limitations of mortality can give sufficient strength for a mortal to live virtuously under any circumstances.  Regardless of what the oppositional experience might be, we can honestly ask ourselves, "is anything too hard for the Lord?" (Gen. 18:14)  There is no situation in life in which any individual is completely powerless.  If a human being is sentient and intelligent enough to choose to act on feelings of homosexuality, the opposite must also be true - even if it is like walking upstream versus floating downstream.  Both are still possible, though one requires greater fortitude and perseverance.



Next, we read the troubling statement that LGBT individuals are misinformed that they "are not responsible for this tendency".  This one is tricky, and I do not blame anyone for misinterpreting it.  At first glance, this might imply what the first one could - that people choose their attractions, or that they haven't worked hard enough to be heterosexual.  It places the burden of these attractions' creation in the hands of the individual who is currently experiencing them.  Again, though, we must look at the meaning of a key phrase in this quote, so as to reveal context and true intent from the author.  The phrase "not responsible for" indicates that there is a person to assume responsibility for something else, whether within (as in emotion) or externally.  Let's take a commonplace example. Perhaps you had chores to complete or maybe you assign chores to your children.  Sometimes, when someone requests another to do a chore for them, the other replies, "No.  That is not my responsibility."  This reply exemplifies the true meaning of the statement, "not responsible for", because one person is telling another, "I am not responsible for your chores you have to do."  Thus, President Kimball is telling us that it is false to assume that we have no responsibility, or, accountability, in relation to what we do with our sexual orientation.  This centers again on the truth that we always have a choice in how we act in any circumstance, whether it's about sexuality or not.

Continuing forward, he declares that people are misinformed who say "God made me this way."  Of all the arguments that one could take one, this one probably is among the most sensitive.  However, I must say that I agree with President Kimball when he says it is a lie and blasphemy to say such.  We are created in the image of God, a heterosexual being who married a woman.  That is why LDS people believe in a Heavenly Mother.  I see this as the strongest reason for discarding the falsehood of being "born that way".  Also, with something that is so directly tied into our eternal destiny as children of God, I do not believe God would give one of His children such an unfair disadvantage upon entering this life.  Some of God's children inherit physical disabilities, others, mental illnesses.  Yet, to allow a child to be attracted to the same gender from birth seems to strike an improper chord with me.  Now, this second part beyond being created in God's image is just my opinions and speculations.  At the deepest of all my reasons for disbelieving in the "born that way" argument is the feelings of the Spirit I get when I consider that being "born that way" might be a reality.  It does not feel right.  I have always said, though, all this solemn philosophizing aside, that it does not matter if we are born this way, it matters what we do with it once we know it's an experience we have.  I can preoccupy my mind with more petty matters of being born gay, or I can center my mind on Christ and how I can be more like Him.  Personally, I view the latter as being more productive in terms of my salvation and exaltation.

Finally, we read one statement which seems to jab at every little to big sore our LGBT experience creates.  In seeming ignorance and mockery, he writes, "...let this individual repent of his perversion, force himself to return to normal pursuits and interests and actions and friendships with the opposite sex, and this normal pattern can become natural again."  I would ask us to approach this in context, while also looking at the proper meanings of words.  Just before this, President Kimball writes about mutual masturbation and lavishing time, affection, and gifts on someone of the same sex.  In other words, this is same-sex attraction in a deviant sense - one not really created from initial attraction, but more from excessive energy combined with an inappropriate sexual practice.  I've written before about different components of attraction (see my post, "In Love, Loving, and Chemical Romance") and how they can be confused with one another.  An infatuation, combined with lust (i.e., chemical romance), can imitate tendencies of homosexuality.  It would make sense, at least to me, that if someone devoted both sexual and emotional energy into a new relationship -speaking generally, not romantically - with someone of the same sex, it could create an attraction similar to, but not the same as, same-sex attraction.  It's more the undecided human heart and the proverbial tumbling-dryer of the mind fabricating something that strongly resembles homosexuality.  I believe President Kimball is speaking of the sort of attractions created by experimentation and emotional preoccupation with the same sex, not the ones people experience naturally as part of the course of life.  Thus, he urges that this individual repent of their sexual sin, push himself to pursue the opposite sex again, and watch the normal pattern of things return.  I have seen this more than once with men who, out of curiosity and not initial attraction, got caught up in gay pornography.  Once they rid themselves of their addiction, their attractions to men completely vanished.  A few I mentioned have gone on to marry and raise families.  So, this does happen.  It's not a quote about repenting of feeling attraction for the same sex, forcing oneself to pursue the opposite sex, and then changing orientation by making that "normal" for them.  Difficult to see, perhaps, but liberating once realized.

With this particular chapter in "The Miracle of Forgiveness", LGBT Mormons can choose to be offended, hurt, and angry, or they can delve deeper for understanding and find peace in President Kimball's words.  What a difference interpreting things correctly can make!  We go from seeing a chapter of so-called bigotry, hate, misunderstanding, ignorance, and so on, to a chapter all about seeking Christ, repenting, staying close to our Heavenly Father, and the importance of properly using agency.  For LGBT Mormons like me who want to live the gospel, we always, always, always emphasize the importance of agency and accountability in our journeys together.  The mission of North Star talks about believing that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can make it possible for us to joyfully and meaningfully live the gospel.  What does that tell you?  For those of us who understand the reality of His sacrifice and His grace, we know it IS possible to live the gospel while being LGBT.  It's more difficult than words can express at times, though, and honestly I believe that is what President Kimball is understanding and communicating between the lines.  Why else would he clarify truths regarding agency, accountability, our identity as sons and daughters of God, and all the rest of it?  I see an apostle of Christ trying to show us the most important truths we need to lead that joyful, meaningful life that North Star talks about.  It might take a bit of work to see beyond the rough edges of his words, but I am glad I had this opportunity to show everyone what he truly meant.  Remember, doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.  This apostle knew what he was talking about.  Love you guys!!! :) :) :)

Opening the Forbidden Book - Part 1

For members and nonmembers alike, "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by President Spencer W. Kimball (an apostle when he wrote it) has always drawn differing amounts of amusement, attention, contempt, and the like.  Most know why.  Throughout this entire book, it seems as though President Kimball enumerates just about every kind of sin mankind commits, using bold, strong language to condemn all of it and outline in plain terms why repentance for all sin is completely essential for everyone.  It leaves no doubts in the reader's mind as to what is right and wrong, at least from an LDS perspective anyway.  Church members such as me commonly express its uncanny ability to incite guilt, no matter how well we think we are living the principles of our religion.  Human imperfection will always leave gaps between what God has commanded us to do, and what we are currently doing.  Personally, I love this book because it ends on a very profound note of love, hope, and mercy promised through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  It also causes me to look deep within my spirit, and find the darkness there  I had not previously seen.  Thus, I can improve upon my sins and weaknesses, drawing closer to Jesus Christ and creating a purer relationship with Him.  But, like many LGBT Mormons, I struggled with one chapter in particular, a chapter that I know many have come to purposefully ignore/forget about, or even fiercely hate.  Understandably, this chapter from "The Miracle of Forgiveness" would provoke such a reaction, if interpreted from a different perspective.  My purpose today, though, is to tame this literary lion, by offering a new perspective on what President Kimball truly meant when he wrote this, based on verbatim quotes and context clues, not speculation.

For a moment, I am going to take the standpoint of those offended by these words, and consider why they could be so very upsetting to many.  Verbally playing on the "opposite team" here, I feel, will better illustrate the overall picture.  Essentially, I'm being the devil's advocate.  To start, this chapter is entitled, "Crime Against Nature".  Really? What  kind of person calls being gay a "crime against nature"?  After all, it's not like gay people can help being gay, any more than a straight person can help being straight!  Plus, what "crime" is there in being gay?  It's not like it's some extreme violation against the laws of nature to be gay or anything.  Nature continues on in its course, and all is well with the world still, I think.  To me, it seems like the word "nature" also could mean not just Mother Nature, but also the nature of humanity, meaning that heterosexuality is what is "normal", and so gay people are in the wrong for being who they are!  What a sad existence for gay people, then, if we cannot simply be who we are without being some kind of abomination or violation in the balance of society.  Sure, we cannot have children, but we can adopt and raise kids just like straight couples can. We're not exactly creepy either (for the most part), so why the attitude of rejection and ostracizing in American society?  But it gets even better throughout this whole chapter.  Here's a few quotes that just make my skin crawl with disgust:

"Homosexuality is an ugly sin, repugnant to those who find no temptation in it, as well as to many past offenders who are seeking a way out of its clutches."

And, with a subtitle of "Curable and Forgivable - With Effort" (shudder), he says,

"After consideration of the evil aspects, the ugliness and prevalence of the evil of homosexuality, the glorious thing to remember is that it is curable and forgivable."  Wow.  That is revolting.

And another..."Next in seriousness to nonrecognition of the sin is the attempt to justify oneself in this perversion. Many have been misinformed that they are powerless in the matter, not responsible for the tendency, and that "God made them that way." This is as untrue as any other of the diabolical lies Satan has concocted. It is blasphemy. Man is made in the image of God. Does the pervert think God to be 'that way'?"

Plus, my favorite: "...let this individual repent of his perversion, force himself to return to normal pursuits and interests and actions and friendships with the opposite sex, and this normal pattern can become natural again."

Now, returning to my normal tone of writing... The key to understanding the context of this is simple. The writer, President Spencer W. Kimball, was either speaking of homosexuality as a one-package deal - attractions, romantic involvement, sex, etc - or he was speaking of the practice of homosexuality, separating it from the attractions that lead to the practice.  But how does one tell? Context clues.  And these quotes, my dear readers, are rife with those.  First, we have homosexuality being called "an ugly sin, repugnant to those who find no temptation in it."  This is an introductory quote, taken from the beginning of only the 2nd paragraph.  In writing a book such as this, the author will almost always introduce their main ideas in the first two paragraphs. Here is one, defining homosexuality as a sin and a temptation, separate from one other.  It outlines those who practice it, and those who do not because they find no temptation in it.  Now, would it not be possible for someone tempted by something to not do it?  Of course!  People do it all the time, even non-religious people, like people giving up drugs or ceasing to drink alcohol.  So, homosexuality could be defined as either a practice or a temptation?  Interesting how President Kimball makes that distinction in his opening remarks of this chapter.  Such is the first key to understanding the context of these writings on homosexuality by President Kimball.  Moving on...

Second, homosexuality is described as "curable and forgivable - with effort"  From an all-in-one package view, I would be just as angry, sarcastic, and belligerent as the man I was pretending to be as the "devil's advocate" earlier.  I do not blame people in the least who are viewing it from that perspective, because I would feel exactly the same way and probably with even more intensity.  But, I have chosen to view it as a split-up package, where it here means attractions, and where LGBT Mormons are choosing to go with them.  Back to our description, then.  The word, "curable", according to merriamwebster.com, means, "possible to bring about recovery from".  Since any sin is viewed as spiritual sickness in the LDS Church, to some degree or another, it is an apt definition to call the practice of homosexuality curable.  Some would take this word, run with it, and cry out, "President Kimball taught Mormons that being gay is changeable!  He said they can become straight if they want to!!"  Naturally, viewed from this perspective, of course it looks that way, because typically this word means to get rid of an undesirable condition.  However, when homosexuality is viewed here as a practice, I see it under LDS belief as being a sickness of the spirit because of spiritual bondage from sin.  Not an advocacy for changing sexual orientation.  This leads perfectly into the next part of the phrase, "and forgivable -with effort".  Since LDS people believe repentance (seeking forgiveness from God) is a process, it does take considerable effort sometimes, especially if the sin is sexual in nature.  Unfortunately, because of suppressed passions and the like, homosexuality in practice often creates much sexual sin to be repented of, and it takes a lot of effort as a result to reverse that spiritual damage sin creates.  LDS people are not strangers to work when it comes to obtaining forgiveness from Heavenly Father.  We believe it is necessary, so we can come to a better place of spiritual purity and understanding.  More on this subject in my next post... love you guys!!! :)

Your Rainbow Vision

In the film, "The Secret", discussing a new age principle called the Law of Attraction, they speak about a vision board.  It's simply a large poster board or whiteboard where you place quotes, pictures, or anything else that gives you a strong mental image of your various dreams, goals, desires, and so forth.  That way, according to this belief system, you'll attract what you want into your life by virtue of the positive images you're holding continually in your mind.  For some, it sounds like nonsense because they do not think it logical.  How could the practice of looking daily at symbols of what you want accomplish anything but wishful thinking, they say.  Regardless of what you or I think about the Law of Attraction, it is true that whatever we hold in our mind most will shape who we are.  It won't necessarily change who we are, but it will certainly influence our identity.  Now, digging a little deeper, suppose we as LGBT Mormons started changing our thinking, if only as an experiment?  Without resistance or bias, we could adjust our mindset and see what life gives to us as a result.  Of course, I am not suggesting that altering our thought processes will change orientation, banish mental illness, or anything of the sort.  Rather, I am offering up the idea that maybe changing one's thoughts, over a lengthy period of time, can alter the course of life for the better.

Naturally, not everyone reading this article desires the typical, faithful Mormon lifestyle.  Maybe a few of my readers are looking to better understand how they might align their lives to the course of a celibate same-sex relationship, or how to be at peace as they take a break from the LDS Church, while they work out their concerns regarding sexual orientation.  Whatever your reason, dear reader, for approaching my article, I am confident that it'll send you in a better direction.  You see, in every course of action, those who actually make it to the end of that course have a set image in their minds of what it'll look like for them.  For example, the athlete who is trying to run a 7-minute mile instead of a 10-minute mile keeps that goal fixed in his mind.  In the coming days and weeks, he challenges himself again and again, to train his body into having that goal realized.  If that vision in his mind stays constant, he'll eventually get there because desire + application = eventual results.  But, how does that relate to this whole LGBT Mormon experience thing?  As if sports and sexuality really have anything in common...

“Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.”  

 – Proverbs 29:18

Fortunately, they do share at least one area of common ground.  Wherever you are centering your focus is where you're going to head.  That's why sailors use Polaris (the North Star) as a guiding light, because it's in a fixed, constant position.  How about spiritual, sexual, emotional, and mental goals?  Naturally, things like addiction, mental illness, and life circumstances can hedge up our journey we're trying to create, but such obstacles can either fuel our passion or extinguish it.  Though I firmly and wholly believe in the grace of Jesus Christ to give us power to move forward, I also believe in the necessity of personal action, however small or large, we are able to offer.  Our Heavenly Father gave us the Savior to strengthen our spiritual muscles enough to walk forward, but not for the purpose of effortless, meaningless growth.  The most resilient and significant spiritual strength arises from our personal choices to press forward amid opposition of all kinds.  Now, to get more specific.

In my personal experience, I had a time where I really struggled to reconcile my sexuality with how I personally felt about what it would look like and mean for me - my social life, church, friendships, and so on. I had no definitive picture of what I wanted all those areas of my life to look like and mean, and so that really exacerbated my stress over it.    Over the course of a couple years, I tried to define what it would look like and mean for me to identify as gay, and SSA, since I use the terms interchangeably to mean that I was attracted to men sexually and emotionally.  However, it was only when I really got into the nitty-gritty of sexual orientation terminology, how I felt about it, what I perceived others to think of said terms, and more, that I started establishing a clear vision of what it meant for me.  As a result, after I established that vision of what it meant for me, my anxieties concerning my sexuality dissipated and I entered into a place of personal peace.  That was when life got much better as far as being religious as a Mormon, while also being gay. If religiosity is not presently your journey, still this tool can work for you because you'll have a honed-in focus on what you want.  With that focus, you'll get where you want in time because desire + application = eventual results.

Decide to define your vision, whether on a poster board or simply in your mind,  so that you can keep the law of truth in your journey, as Proverbs declares.  That way, you won't feel like you're spiritually, sexually, physically, etc. dying in the journey, since you'll have something to look forward to, and a beautiful place to arrive at.  Until next time...

What I Deserve...

Sometimes, in the instantly gratifying world we live in, people grow impatient because they aren't getting the time, resources, material goods, food, or whatever else they say they "deserve".  In the news online, on TV, or in the newspaper, one can easily spot the attitude of people thinking they somehow just by existing, they inherently deserve this or that.  Often, I have heard individuals express disgust and contempt for those who take advantage of government welfare, even though they do not need it.  Undoubtedly, such people who are truly "working the system" have an attitude like this, in some way.  But the important and meaningful question here isn't whether or not this person or that person is acting as though they deserve something. Rather, I would ask the question, why does it bother us so much in society when someone is unjustly using the welfare system?  I would submit that our consciences tell us that such assistance is for those who really are in need, like the elderly, the disabled, and those who have hit a tough spot.  It is not fair for people to use something not intended for them, just as it would not be fair for someone to take personal belongings of ours, since they did not buy them.  We did.  Let's dig into the relevance of this a bit, then.  While we, whether LGBT and Mormon or not, complain about those committing such atrocities, we ourselves are doing the exact same thing.  Each day, in our conversations, at work, on little trips to the store, or elsewhere, this attitude somehow sneaks into our personal living.

I imagine that some people have become indignant or skeptical at this point, perhaps both.  Huffing in irritation, such readers are probably thinking, "Well, he's got this all wrong.  I am a good person, I help and love people, do good at my job, and whatnot.  Who does he think he is?"  Shamelessly, I confess that it does not make sense to anyone who has read thus far.  I catch myself in this mindset quite frequently, sometimes every day, if only for a few moments or so.  Recently, it took over my life for a few weeks and wreaked havoc on my social relationships.  This attitude, which destroys relationships if left unchecked and causes all kinds of grief in our lives, is that of entitlement.  More specifically to us, it is the attitude of entitlement towards love, given and received.  What examples could I possibly give, then?  Here are a few that I've thought up:

- Your mother telling you she's entitled to your time, and/or to give you advice, since she raised you and provided for you growing up.
- Expecting a friend to do __  because you did __  recently for him or her.
- Thinking that someone "should" be friends with you, because you did this or act like that.
-  Believing that pure love can equal others reciprocating that love in some way or another.



And the list goes on...  Insert whatever expectation, "should-y" attitude, preconception of love, and so on that you hold in that list, and there you'll find exactly what is causing the pain in your social relationships. Many of my readers may not pursue gay relationships, but I'm sure some out there do. Orientation in relationships does not matter in terms of having things go smoothly.  What really matters is how love is being given and received, of any kind... affection, friendship, or romance.  Christ once declared, "do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be children of the Highest:  for he is kind to the unthankful and to the evil." (Luke 6:35)  Nobody is entitled to or deserving of love.  We all are worthy of it, for sure, because we all are children of our Heavenly Father.  However, there is only one thing that each of us truly "deserve", in any sense, and that is the justice of God.  It is only through the intervention of the Atonement of Jesus Christ that we have hope of returning to our Heavenly Father again.  If we all got what we deserve, we would go straight to hell after we died.  As Nephi once said, to paraphrase, were it not for the mercy and grace of God, we would become like unto Satan, to be angels to him forever (see 2nd Nephi 9:8-10).

To promote healthy friendships that some SSA men and women utilize to manage their attractions, and to ensure healthy relationships of any kind, let us love unconditionally.  For those trying to live the gospel, what better tool could you have in your hands for intimate friendship, than to give love unconditionally until people can't help but feel loved by and close to you?  I can't think of any.  To everyone, let's not think either that we are entitled to the love of others in any way, or that we are justified in placing expectations (not to be confused with moral standards) on others before or during a friendship/relationship.  I once read a quote that said, "Give love without any expectation of receiving it again, and your life will never be the same".  I personally can attest to the truth of this statement, because the more I live my life with that sort of love, the better my social experience is.  I think it is hard to live by that small phrase, "charity seeketh not her own", but when love is given freely for the joy of it, others sense that and relationships flourish marvelously.  What each of us deserves is justice and subsequently, hell.  By practicing this principle, however, we can create heaven here and more fully ensure our inheritance of eternal life after this life ends.

Love you guys! Until next time...

Cinderella's Mistake

In the beautiful movie Cinderella which recently came out, most people adore this simple quote at the beginning from the mother, which says, "I want to tell you a secret - something that will see you through all the trials life has to offer.  Have courage, and be kind."  At first, I too was enamored by this quote, bedazzled by its "wisdom" and goodness.  My brother pointed out how shallow the movie supposedly was, with one person falling in love with another over physical appearance.  Because I loved the movie, I simply brushed it off, and continued to enjoy the lessons I thought I had learned from the plot.  At the same time, though, I couldn't help but start wondering in the back of my mind if my brother was right.  Furthermore, I soon thereafter finished a profound book by C.S. Lewis called, "The Problem of Pain", which discusses the nature of kindness.  One quote stuck out to me in particular, which declares:

"There is kindness in Love: but Love and kindness are not coterminous, and when kindness... is separated from the other elements of Love, it involves a certain fundamental indifference to its object, and even something like contempt of it.  Kindness consents very readily to the removal of its object — we have all met people whose kindness to animals is constantly leading them to kill animals lest they should suffer.  Kindness, merely as such, cares not whether its object becomes good or bad, provided only that it escapes suffering.  As Scripture points out, it is bastards who are spoiled: the legitimate sons, who are to carry on the family tradition, are punished [Hebrews 12:8].  It is for people whom we care nothing about that we demand happiness on any terms: with our friends, our lovers, our children, we are exacting and would rather see them suffer much than be happy in contemptible and estranging modes.  If God is Love, He is, by definition, something more than mere kindness.  And it appears, from all the records, that though He has often rebuked us and condemned us, He has never regarded us with contempt.  He has paid us the intolerable compliment of loving us, in the deepest, most tragic, most inexorable sense."

Due to the blunt, down-to-earth nature of this quote, I couldn't get it out of my head - especially its relevance to SSA, which I'll weave in at the end.  Over and over again, I pondered about it as it applied to nearly every facet of my life. A few points from this have really hit home for me, aside from all the eloquence and fluff. First, C.S. Lewis states that Love - emphasizing its importance and superseding nature by capitalization - is not coterminous with kindness. The word coterminous doesn't mean synonymous, exactly. It means "having the same extent of scope or duration", which I take to mean "of the same depth and extent of meaning" in this context. It's similar to the word synonymous, but with greater profundity. In other words, this implies that not only do Love and kindness not mean the same thing, but also that Love is deeper and richer than kindness alone is. I've realized this truth. Jesus Christ wasn't just "nice" to people, as we so often hear as the maxim for living today. He put Himself out there, served people, made sacrifices, and showed love in individualized ways according to how people felt love.

Second, when separated from other elements of Love (i.e., what Paul preached about in 1st Corinthians 13 and Mormon in Moroni 7), kindness involves a certain fundamental indifference to its object, and even something like contempt of it. Essentially, C.S. Lewis is speaking of people who are nice to others, but don't really show love to everyone. They love the people who are convenient to love, easy to love, or fun to love, but everyone else gets the regular dose of kindness. Sound familiar? Examples might include the small-talk conversation in church, politeness you give to that certain person you secretly dislike, or the things you do to avoid someone who is (characteristic you don't like/hate).  It's a very convenient way of telling oneself that you're keeping your baptismal covenant and living by your conscience, while really offering a shallow imitation of love. Notably though, our covenants say nothing of kindness; they only speak of love.

Interestingly enough, charity will teach you genuine kindness, since that's one of the many qualities it embodies. However, you cannot become loving by simply being kind. C.S. Lewis also mentions this virtue-detached kindness results in something like contempt for its object, or, who you're showing kindness to in other words. I think what he is speaking of is that grudging, inward groaning feeling you get when you say to yourself, "Oh no, I have to be nice to this person again?" But you think you're covenant-keeping, so you say, "Well, it's what Christ would do..." or something like that, and so you do it. I'm not speaking directly to anyone, by the way.  This is a universal statement applicable to me and everyone else.  What I'm getting at is that Satan is teaching the world to imitate love through kindness, since he is very good at imitations and he understands you can't become loving by the medium of virtue-detached kindness. The recent movie, "Cinderella", comes to mind, even though it's just one example among many.  She made a colossal mistake in making kindness as her god of virtues, because in the end, her kindness ran out and only the fairy-tale prince saved her from dire circumstances. 

Third, and finally, the last one is that kindness consents readily to the removal of its object. After a time of showing virtue-detached kindness, something like contempt sets in, you grow weary of well-doing, and sometimes you'll start finding fault with the individual you're showing kindness to. I've experienced this before, not so much recently, but still, I've experienced it. Kindness when given as a stand-alone virtue, or even a virtue given with few other virtues, still is weak and cannot fulfill the covenant duties given to us by the Savior. If kindness is so important in practice by itself, as the world preaches, then why do the scriptures not mention it very frequently? In all the standard works, if you were to take the statistics of how many times the words "kind", "kindness", and so forth were written and spoken, versus how many times the words, "love", "charity", and such were written and spoken, what do you think the numbers would look like? I can probably name for us exactly where words related to kindness show up in the scriptures, and I'm sure it's less than 10. On the other hand, I cannot number in my head how many times the words "love" and "charity" together have shown up in the word of God. Something about that speaks to me, especially since the scriptures are truth and God Himself speaking to us.  Love is emphasized more than kindness even in other religions as well.  What does that tell us, I wonder?

Regarding SSA and its application here, we frequently interact with other people also experiencing SSA and/or gender dysphoria.  I think what we should ask ourselves is, what standards are we measuring people by, and are they really influenced by the pure love of Christ?  Standards for friends, if they originate from the love of God, do not have the same qualities as expectations.  What's the difference?  Standards are morally based, but expectations are personally based.  Example:  You have a standard you hold your friends to regarding chastity and personal space, i.e., no cuddling alone together due to sexual temptation it creates.  Your friend decides to persuade you to cuddle alone together, and starts to make advances.  You put your foot down, and say no.  That's enforcing a standard, which stems from love.  However, saying your friend should look a certain way, act according to some stereotype, or do something because it serves you personally are not examples of moral standards.  You can sometimes persuade friends to do those things or similar actions, but it won't be through the medium of love.  It'll be through the medium of kindness, such as by telling someone they'd look great if they did _ , or saying someone would be more well-liked if they acted like _ .  Friends acting consistently in kindness will usually give off a sense of indifference about the "connection" you have, if any, they pass kindness off as love because it's somehow "helping" people (making others more popular, beautiful, charismatic, etc), and if you don't want their friendship anymore, they usually don't care much.  If you've seen the musical, "Wicked", think of Glinda.  She's a perfect example of this type of friend.  It also cannot be overstated that some people mix love in after they've made kindness their focus.  Usually these friends can be described as that toxic friend who you're not sure about whether to get rid of or not.  It's confusing to experience love after kindness, because the order is getting mixed up!

This leads perfectly into my final point, which is that if we want to interact positively with people in the SSA community, we must leave expectations out, and only include moral standards.  If you read Paul's discourse on charity, you'll find that kindness is part of love, which is why C.S. Lewis states that there is kindness in love.  Essentially, focus on loving people according to moral standards,  and kindness will flow naturally out of that.  All the drama, judging, unforgiveness, shallowness, etc that exists in the SSA community would vanish if we could learn to love people the way Christ taught, instead of "being nice" to people the way the world currently teaches.  If you look, whether it's in movies like Cinderella or musicals like Wicked or just in general society, the message that Satan wants everybody to believe is that kindness alone can satisfy God, while validating and connecting to the human spirit.  I'm reminded of a quote by a Christian scholar, who once said, "God is easy to please, but hard to satisfy".  It is my belief that when kindness is emphasized as a stand-alone virtue, another insight of C.S. Lewis is fulfilled when he said, "Any virtue, made into a god, becomes demonized and detrimental."  On the outside, things look glittery and beautiful, especially because kind people tend to be more popular than ordinary people.  The honest question though is if they are really well-loved, because there's a difference between being popular and well-loved.  Jesus most likely emphasized love throughout the scriptures and our covenants as Latter-Day Saints not simply for the sake of obedience.  He knew that we connect to and cherish each other when we love, and partially maintain that beautiful relationship when we are kind.

So, don't make the same mistake as Cinderella.  Have courage, and be loving.  That will see you through all the trials life has to offer.   Love you guys!  Until next time...

Are YOU Exploring?

Growing up as a teenager, you think you're awesome, so you act that way in any way possible and sometimes adopt an attitude of arrogance.  To say that of myself is, at the very least, a gross understatement.  People used to hate me in high school, because I had taken on more than arrogance or an I-don't-care mindset.  Rather, I had taken on an "I'm better than you and I know it" viewpoint.  Naturally, this pissed people off and drove them away,and it caused a rather profound lack of friendship in my teenage years.  Oftentimes, I still have to kick away that attitude, simply because it is so much easier to be arrogant than it is to be humble.  In pushing that away, I've discovered something valuable - striving for humility in life often leads to better relationships with everyone, especially the Savior.  Other people can share their views without fear of criticism or hostile disagreement, and Christ can teach me wisdom with less resistance and an absence of rebelliousness.  One particular facet of this really hits close to home with same-sex attraction, however. 

It's commonplace for people first realizing they experience SSA to bury it, pretend it doesn't exist, undergo shame, and the like.  These all hold a common theme of keeping it in the dark where nobody can see.  Thus, being "in the closet" actually describes this initial stage quite well.  It could even be said that those of us who struggle later with it after being "out" that we are wrestling in a temporary closet of our own personal demons.  Naturally though, we concern ourselves primarily with keeping that door closed and locked, so that even those who know of our struggle don't view the supposedly darker, uglier aspects of our battles.  Although there are several reasons why individuals like myself have done this, I think it more productive to discuss what can be done to resolve that conflict in the closet. 

Let me introduce that with a story.  Recently, I decided that my apartment looked horrendous and needed a really deep cleaning.  I proceeded to clean my bathroom, and hesitated at my closet.  You see, my closet was so messy I could barely even open the door, and it took considerable effort to even force it open.  Plus, it had all these smaller sorts of objects, and lots of papers I hadn't gone through, like, ever.  I thought to myself, "Well, I could just leave it, since I'm not really using it anyway, or I could clean it up and have some peace of mind, plus a space to use."  With that thought, I rolled up my sleeves, got some garbage bags, and cleaned for a few hours.  In my cleaning/exploration of my closet, I discovered things I'd forgotten about, and even some things I sorely needed for practical purposes.  I made some piles, and much of what I found in there went in the garbage straight off.  Other things, I was undecided about and so I left them there to re-consider at some future point.  By the time I completed my monumental task, my closet looked rather organized, and I was pleased with myself quite a lot.  However, it had created somewhat of a mess outside in my room, which was fine.  I organized all that into a garbage box, and resolved it that way.  Thus, my closet was clean and I felt happier because I'd taken the time and effort required to make it so. 

Similarly, each of us who identifies as gay or same-sex attracted arrives at a point where we know that we gotta look inside our closet and tidy things up.  There's piles of emotion, stacks of thoughts, and small little objects of our questions, desires, concerns with religious/spiritual beliefs, flagrant shame, and worry over people finding out.  All of these are legitimate issues, and all of them create conflict inside of us.  Our first instinct is to run away from the mess inside our hearts and minds, to pretend as though everything is fine or something like that.  But it sits there, maybe growing, maybe not, ever gnawing at our psyche and creating a deep craving for self-acceptance and peace.  For one reason or another, though, we squash it down and push it away.  We smile and say that our closet is neat and clean, as though some phantom Martha Stewart waltzed in and tidied it up ever so nicely while we weren't looking.  But what's the real truth?  It hurts and causes misery.  Outwardly, I used to smile and wave as though my closet were a decorated accessory on a parade float.  I'd figuratively and literally say in some form, "See?  It's just an ordinary closet, and it just means I've got some unique 'me' stuff in there.  No need to look in; I've got this."  Inwardly, though, I was freaking out, asking myself if this was some weird form of brotherly love, or if I was actually gay.  I would scold myself and tell myself that I wasn't gay, and even if I was, I had to keep it a secret.  Eventually it got so complicated to where I acknowledged it deep down, but ignored it in my conscious mind.  It became the elephant in my closet, which I refused point-blank to say was there.  And it did hurt.  It hurt like hell, because I knew deep down I wasn't being my full, authentic self.  Truth, without validation, became misery. 

Then, one day, I decided that I would throw open the doors of my closet (in private, mind you) and explore.  This time it still hurt, but it was a good kind of hurt...the sort of hurt you have when someone gives you a nice, deep massage that's just the right amount of pressure.  It releases the inflammation and tension that is causing you pain, and so it was with this.  I placed just the right amount of pressure on myself psychologically to where I was going inside my gay closet and looking around at everything.  My then-dysfunctional relationship with my father, all the bullying in my childhood, struggles with mental illness, struggles with being gay while refusing to acknowledge it, conflicts and oppositions created once I started being real about my homosexuality, and all that went under examination.  And I'll tell you, over the course of a month or so, it caused me healthy, productive pain that I wouldn't trade for anything.  I was giving truth a voice for once, and finally its spoken word could illuminate my fallacies and foolishness.  Healing in all those areas was either completed or initiated, and I started to find balance in my sexuality and with other areas, like my mental health.  Eventually, examining everything empowered me to place it neatly on the shelves of my now ever-widening door to my closet.  It culminated in me coming out to everyone on Facebook two years ago, on June 10th, 2013.  And as an added bonus, I arrived at a place where attractive men, whether physically, emotionally, or both, didn't faze me.  I could acknowledge my attraction and/or infatuation with such men, but it no longer controlled me or my actions.  Not to say I was perfect, but I could finally be at peace with this important piece of myself. 

To conclude, it's very tempting to just suppress same-sex attraction and ignore all the inner conflict it's creating.  Sometimes, it can be highly appealing to put on the masquerade of flawless socialization, as though your problems with this don't exist or aren't all that bad.  I can testify though that our Savior Jesus Christ would never deny anything about Himself, and He never did.  Christ opened Himself up to Heavenly Father, and did what was asked of Him.  Christ was real with Himself, and with others, especially at the darkest hour of His life, in the garden of Gethsemane.  He showed the Father an unequivocal willingness to do what had to be done, but seeing that bitter cup of awful, incomprehensible anguish surely must've caused His heart to ask if there was a different path to take.  This is just like what I went through when I approached my closet of homosexuality.  I knew what had to be done - the exploration of myself for the greater good - but I did not want to open that door.  But I take courage and comfort from the example of Christ, who experienced a similar feeling when He saw the burden of Gethsemane before Him.  And yet, I also testify that we, like Christ, will have an angel or a legion of angels appearing from heaven, strengthening us.  God will hold you and take your hand as you stretch it forth to open that closet door.  At that point then, the question is, are you exploring or are you just looking when you open that door?  Explore.  You'll find what you're looking for, and then some.   Until next time...

Righteous Judgment and SSA

For those of you who've read my blog for the past long while, you've realized how blunt and bold I tend to be with my speech.  Today is no exception, however, I wish to communicate in a more sensitive way, since people who likely don't agree at all will be reading as well.  Without delving into the drama of the Supreme Court decision to legalize same-sex marriage throughout the U.S., I simply wish to expound upon something that has been bothering me about people's response to it. 

Initially, my reaction was shock, disappointment, and emotional conflict about the decision.  I thought to myself, "Surely this was coming, but I didn't expect it this soon!  Why now, when I'm not in a good place with my same-sex attraction as it is?!"  You see, lately I'd been conflicted to a great degree about getting a boyfriend, potentially marrying and settling down with a man, and so forth.  For some reason, it felt right and greatly appealed to me.  I was sick of going to male friends for support, encouragement, and emotional fulfillment.  This way, I thought, would be an easy way to get all my needs met at a "small" sacrifice of not doing precisely what my Heavenly Father would have me do.  To make matters even worse, beyond being tempted emotionally with my attractions, Satan was strongly tempting me sexually and trying to convince me it was what I wanted.  To say the least, my emotions were running wild and free, without me being able to restrain and channel them as I'd successfully done in the past.  Then, along came an announcement on Facebook saying the Supreme Court had decided to legalize same-sex marriage, making my already overwhelming situation completely suffocating now.  Here was my chance - the perfect opportunity to meet anyone from anywhere, date, get in a relationship, and then get married at some point.  I was about ready to go outside somewhere and scream. 

The final, absolutely horrific cherry on top of all the concocted, appetizing temptation was the reaction of others on Facebook.  It seemed like overnight, half of Facebook's profiles were covered in rainbows, and the other half were talking about rainbow-related stuff!!!  And the variety of reactions exploded.  Some were conflicted, others were celebrating like crazy, and still others were okay with it.  That did not bug me as much, though admittedly after about 24 hours of it I got emotionally drained by constantly being reminded of my present struggle.  What really riled me up were the LDS and non-LDS people preaching a bunch of things that not just the LDS religion, but general Christianity doesn't believe in.  Things like, "These gay people are going to hell if they don't repent", or "Being gay (attracted to the same sex) is a sin!", or "Just look at how evil these people are!", and other really, really harsh and judgmental statements.  In the defense of non-LDS people, I think there's some room for us to excuse that.  By LDS belief, which is my belief, such individuals do not have the fullness of the gospel and so they do not fully understand principles behind judging others.  Plus, they do not have the gift of the Holy Spirit, just the light of Christ.  Again, this is religious belief, so I do hope I offend no one by saying these things.  Anyway, I can handle non-LDS people saying all that, to a point that is reasonable. 



For LDS people, though, I want to briefly share something from a talk by Elder Oaks called, "Judge Not and Judging", simply to illustrate how many of the statements made on any social media websites are wrong and fully prohibited by these principles.  Here they are:

1.  First, a righteous judgment must, by definition, be intermediate. It will refrain from declaring that a person has been assured of exaltation or from dismissing a person as being irrevocably bound for hellfire. It will refrain from declaring that a person has forfeited all opportunity for exaltation or even all opportunity for a useful role in the work of the Lord.

2.  Second, a righteous judgment will be guided by the Spirit of the Lord, not by anger, revenge, jealousy, or self-interest.

3.  Third, to be righteous, an intermediate judgment must be within our stewardship. We should not presume to exercise and act upon judgments that are outside our personal responsibilities.

4.  Fourth, we should, if possible, refrain from judging until we have adequate knowledge of the facts.

5.  A fifth principle of a righteous intermediate judgment is that whenever possible we will refrain from judging people and only judge situations. This is essential whenever we attempt to act upon different standards than others with whom we must associate—at home, at work, or in the community. We can set and act upon high standards for ourselves or our homes without condemning those who do otherwise.

6.  Sixth, forgiveness is a companion principle to the commandment that in final judgments we judge not and in intermediate judgments we judge righteously.

7.  Seventh, a final ingredient or principle of a righteous judgment is that it will apply righteous standards. If we apply unrighteous standards, our judgment will be unrighteous. By falling short of righteous standards, we place ourselves in jeopardy of being judged by incorrect or unrighteous standards ourselves.

As a companion statement to this, Elder Oaks also stated, "Our doctrines obviously condemn those who engage in so-called “gay bashing”—physical or verbal attacks on persons thought to be involved in homosexual or lesbian behavior." (Same-Gender Attraction, October 1995 Ensign)

Therefore, I am urging members of the LDS Church to engage in righteous judgment and love people.  This is a test of our faith and ability to show charity by the Spirit of God.  It may hurt when others, especially those we love, engage in an openly gay lifestyle.  I understand that, because I've been there and honestly am still there.  However, we must remember the example of our perfect Savior, Jesus Christ.  I simply cannot see our Lord attacking the LGBT community in any shape or form.  I can see Him reproving people for unrighteous behavior, but only because that is His right to do so as the son of God.  That being said, I can picture Jesus personally talking face-to-face with such individuals, having personal and friendly conversations.  I can see Jesus embracing such people and telling them of His deep, eternal love for them as His children.   And why?  Because that is what gay people are- children of our Heavenly Father who chose to follow His plan in the premortal existence.  They are here just as we are, and the least we can do is show the same love that our Savior would, so that by this men shall we know we are His disciples (John 13:34-35).  Brothers and sisters, is there enough evidence to convict us of being Christian, to show we are followers of Christ?  I hope there will be, especially in places where the whole world can see.  I have confidence we will show everyone who we are.  Love you guys!