I still remember that seemingly impossible prompting from my Heavenly Father's spirit - the one that, right after I had come out publicly on Facebook, instructed me to start writing a blog about being gay and Mormon, until I was told to stop!! My initial response was less than saintlike - fearful, anxious, and even annoyed with God. I thought to myself, and "at" Him, "I just came out on Facebook! Isn't that enough for you?!" But, apparently my Father had bigger plans for me as His son. Though I grudgingly and fearfully obeyed, I know I did not at all understand nor comprehend what He had in mind for me. But this I will unequivocally and firmly declare - I am immensely grateful my Father told me to do both in the same day - June 10th, 2013. For without that push at the beginning, I am not altogether certain I would have done both at all! But because He loved me enough to push me far, far, FAR outside my comfort zone, I grew so much, and learned a great deal about His love for me, firstly, the truths He and His Son have taught through the ages (particularly about love, family, marriage, sex, and brotherly bonding), the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and the absolutely crucial role that the holy scriptures play in seeking out strength, comfort, peace, and satisfactory answers when it comes to journeying along the gospel path as an LGBT+ individual. There are indeed few things that could satisfy my thirst for spiritual knowledge, and end my cravings for lust, unholy sexual expression, and romantic same-sex companionship like the Savior's voice echoing to me personally through His word. I do not judge any who engage in any of those things; I simply am stating where I am coming from as one striving to live a genuinely covenant-keeping lifestyle. That being said...
I do not apologize for any of the words I wrote, whatsoever. Some were harsher and excessively bolder than they should've been, but that is not a reflection on anyone who didn't live a life in sync with the things I wrote. Nor is it a reflection on me, other than the growing experience I have had these past 5 1/2 years as I have drawn closer to my Brother and Friend, Jesus Christ, learned more deeply and genuinely about His doctrines, and had His name more fully written upon my heart as I have strove alongside Him to be more converted and charitable. Even in my initial efforts of publishing, which required me to convert my blog posts into PDF files, I've smiled some at the occasionally extreme post titles or the knowledge of the content some of them contained. I like to think, however, that given the at times extreme emotional experience of this journey, I have kept it reasonably thoughtful of others' feelings, and tactful towards the non-religious LGBT+ community. It's been a hard balance to strike, and is admittedly imperfect - but I would have it no other way. I made very few edits indeed to all 79 of these blog posts you will be reading as a book here in a moment, simply because I wanted it to be a compilation of raw, real emotion... nothing polished, nothing I wouldn't write in the same style as my own personal journal. Just a very open, blunt, down-to-earth narrative of a gay male member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, whose work here was purely to explore his journey, while making sure others knew that they were not alone in this journey, without a doubt. I loved finding little to medium to huge insights, and sharing them with my readers these last 5 1/2 years, because they were always new knowledge for me, too! :) I sometimes re-shared common knowledge for members, but I tried my hardest to share any new insights, most of which were ones I already had written in my scripture journal within a few days previously.
It is my genuine, burning hope that you will take courage, comfort, and insight away from this pages, dear reader - LGBT+ or not, because everyone is connected somehow to the rainbow people. We all have a brother, aunt, niece, dad, uncle, friend, etc who identifies somewhere along the LGBT+ spectrum. Perhaps you'll find that this book releases inaccurate and even harmful views you have of LGBT+ individuals in your life, to be replaced by a pure, passionate, and unconditional love for them. I would hope that is the case, because we all struggle along this path we call life, regardless of our sexual orientation, religious affiliation, or any other identifier. It is my fondest dream and brightest hope that my words will inspire you to rise above these labels, and to love the way our Heavenly Father loves - purely, unconditionally, and unyieldingly, regardless of whatever someone feels, does, says, or thinks. It is our divine identity that unites us, our common humanity that we all share. My prayer for us all is that we will, in an attitude and spirit of love, leave better all whom we find. Thank you for reading my words, have a blessed life. <3 <3 <3 :) :)
8.04.2018
3 Places Our Heavenly Father Meets Us At
"But this is not all; ye must pour out your souls in your closets, and your secret places, and in your wilderness..." (Alma 34:26)
I am rather inclined to think that when Alma was writing this scripture, he was thinking of physical places, locations that could and usually are associated with fervent, heartfelt prayers. However, nobody could dissuade me from thinking that his words also referred to more than just a tangible place like your closet or your "special place" you might retreat to for composing poetry, having a good cry, or whatever other purpose we designate for such places. To examine potentially helpful and even healing meanings behind this verse, I would love to delve a little further into it. Join me! :)
This really reaches out to my heart, this verse, first & foremost because it says the word "must". Alma isn't just saying, "Look, guys. Prayer is a commandment of our Heavenly Father, so we gotta do it." In fact, I don't think he is really saying that at all. Verses 20-25 are largely if not entirely speaking to public situations, places where literally anyone could be found calling upon God. But, this verse is so very intimate and private, to where it feels like it is not only addressing me personally, but it is also addressing me in very private settings. I want to explore each of them:
1. "In your closets..." (no pun intended lol). To me, this says, "All of you, even when you're mingling with other children of God...find yourself some privacy, and pour out your heart, not regarding what man may think." A closet definitely could be a big toss-up - you never know what may happen as a result of stepping in & pouring your heart out. In my case, someone might hear me because of my exceedingly intense emotions. Or, someone might be drawn to observe & eavesdrop on me, for the same reasons. In my world, though, I strive to disregard the opinions of others. Why. Because, They. Are. Irrelevant. Especially when it comes to my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. :) :) :)
2. "In your secret places..." This is SO much more than private, it is me intentionally hiding something from my Heavenly Father. It could be sin, it could be weakness...it could be a flare of potential for selfless service and spiritual gifts, or it could be numerous (countless, really) other things. <3 The silly and ironic thing here is, no place in my heart or my mind could truly be hidden from my Savior or my Heavenly Father. I'm really the only one being wounded by such a "secret place", so to speak. Now the really important question is, what am I hiding in my own little "secret place", if any?? What am I stuffing there to "handle on my own", and "suck up" about??? While a secret place can definitely be positive when I use it for my own personal benefit, trying (and inevitably failing, as we've discussed here) to create such a place in direct defiance, fear of, or opposition towards our Heavenly Father does not get me anywhere. I create more pain by resisting the truth, perfect righteousness, and wholesome, perfect love of my Heavenly Father, instead of yielding to its current in humility.
3. "...And in your wilderness..." This one is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE!!! :) :) Firstly, the "and" in this phrase means that I cannot simply pick one of these three places. I "must" (using the word from at the beginning here) incorporate this as an addition to the former two points, not as an exclusive selection from among them. All of this messy, lovely, and sometimes terribly awful stuff written about above is most beautifully and succintly packaged together by that simple word, "and", found at the beginning of this lovely, scriptural phrase. :) :) That being said, the most important aspect of this phrase carefully plucked out of Alma 34:26 is that it speaks to the most spiritually challenging, faith-crisis-invoking place any mortal could find himself/herself in. I would call it accurate to label this place as a wilderness - a barren wasteland in which little or no relief is found. This is the place just before, during, or even after a faith crisis. It is the emotionally, spiritually, and mentally taxing place where sexuality and the gospel simultaneously meet and conflict. And, it is the place of mental illness, where personal actions, thoughts, beliefs, and feelings are distorted so much that relationships/friendships are damaged or even doomed, family suffers at your hand, and doubt, fear, and spiritual anxiety all set in, sometimes all at once. It can feel like some kind of disease setting in, honestly, beyond what it all already is. :/ :/ It is somewhere that, as I am typing these words, I have recently been and am still feeling trace effects from.
But, only the Savior and the Father can provide the rest I have also recently experienced - that blessed rest reserved for those who try...not for the perfect, unwaveringly believing, consistently faithful every single day...no. This rest, this escape from our wilderness created by where our faith and sexuality meet, from the quiet, desperate places in which we hide our sin, our shame, our weakness, our potential, and more, it is for EVERYONE WHO TRIES!!! Satan would have you believe that you have to "close the gap" between yourself and Divinity, that you gotta "earn your right" to pray or to have some kind of access to your beloved Heavenly Parents & your Savior, or something along these lines. But I pray you will feel the charitable forcefulness of my words when I declare to you that THIS IS A LIE. Do not believe it! I know it can be difficult, especially when Satan has the gall to kick you when you're in the depths of depression or the throes of mental illness. But, just reach out, even if it only makes logical sense to do so!!! Better to sense that your Savior is there, loving and supporting you, or even only to want to believe it, than to listen to the voice of him who wants to destroy you. He does not care about your potential, your feelings, your wishes, dreams, hopes, or goals, and especially not how BLOODY AWFUL it can feel at times to be LGBTQ and Mormon!!! But, your Savior does. :) :) He cares about it all, not out of some obligation to save you or be there for you. He's not standing near each of us, kicking the ground in a pouty way and grumbling, "Well, I guess I have to help you out..." Lol. But, how often do we believe something not too far from that?
I testify of the beautiful, emotionally intimate, blessed reality of our Savior's Atonement, of its extraordinary majesty to not only be far off distant as an act we admire, but a closely personal event in our hearts that gives us grace to move forward in this difficult life. I testify of the truthfulness of our Savior's words when He boldly, but gently said, "I am come that men might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." (John 10:10) I believe wholeheartedly that He does not want us to suffer in the spiritual, emotional, and mental deprivation of "celibacy", but rather invites us to be chaste and to discover actual fulfillment through another, unique path. In my own life, I have discovered this path. It is the way of the spiritual friendship/emotional companionship, or as some spiritualists would call it, a Twin Flame relationship. Such a relationship does not include sexual intimacy or romantic expression, but rather involves two people who mirror each other's souls, who share such a deep, sacred emotional connection that only those who engage in it are capable of fully comprehending it. I have discovered that such a connection fills me up and meets my emotional needs, and as it does so, my sexual desires calm down or dissipate entirely. Everyone is different, however, so I am not going to promise any specific outcome. I do believe with my whole heart and soul, though, that Jesus is more than able and more than willing to provide any LGBTQ+ individual with this blessing. Anyone who is ready to receive may receive it - they just have to ask Heavenly Father for it in faith, and then patiently wait, trusting in His perfect timing and love to intervene.
Finally, I testify that our Savior and Father in Heaven both will move in our lives with a beautiful, transformative intervention, to help ensure that we stay on the covenant path. However, because of their omniscience (perfect knowledge of all things), They understand when the very best moment is to intervene. Such an act does not exclude our desires, ignore our pain, or even gloss over the intimate details of our requests. No...it shows mercy, grace, and perfect love, because by acting at the precisely most beneficial moment, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ provide us with the most far-reaching, long-lasting benefits we seek from Their hands. It is better to trust in Divine Timing, than it is to impatiently or desperately seek an earlier intervention at their hands - be that an answer, more complex wisdom, or even a greater miracle. I know this is true, and someday you will also come to this wonderful knowledge, Dear Reader. Much love and kisses!!! :) :) :) Until next time...
5.31.2018
I Am That Tree
Recently, I relapsed quite badly into an addiction I'd sworn would never lead me astray again. But somehow, through carelessness and lust, I found myself falling into it yet again. For the next week following that, I sunk into a rather deep and dark depression, in which I questioned the most crucial aspects of my spiritual belief system. At the core of all of this, guilt burdened me tremendously, to where it felt paralyzing at times. Satan, of course, took tremendous advantage of this - whispering I wasn't good enough, that I could never change, and that things would always remain the same with my addiction. And for a few days, I believed him. While such a short period of time doesn't really compare to the suffering of some who go through a faith crisis for months or even years, I got enough of a taste to comprehend what it looks and feels like, to a small degree. What makes me say this wasn't just having a crisis of faith itself - it's something that occurred during it all...
As I thought more and more about my current situation with addiction, I grew very angry, resentful, bitter, and indifferent towards God and Jesus. I also took on a sort of scoffing, "as-if-you'll-even-help-me" sort of attitude & mentality. Why? A single question was dominating my mind, consuming me with its unanswerable, needling torment. I couldn't figure it out!! The question was:
If God & Jesus really want me to live a righteous, sexually pure life, WHY AREN'T THEY HEALING ME FROM MY ADDICTION?!
Seems to be a fair question, right? Many of us in the LGBT Mormon community, for a multitude of different reasons, struggle with differing addictions. I do not claim any expertise on the subject; I have merely observed this reality as I have fought back against addictions myself. And many, if not most of us, try everything under God's heaven to recover, heal, find sobriety, whatever you want to call it. We try the Church's 12-step addiction recovery program, exercise, studying scriptures more, praying more, plunging ourselves into the depths of family history & genealogy, filtering apps and/or software, and more! Yet, so many of us are coming up short in the long term!! What does this mean for each of us? Does it mean that God & the Savior don't want us to find peace, healing, and wholeness of soul? All of this was whirling through my mind like some kind of cosmic spiritual storm in my spirit. And as I have indicated, I couldn't really do anything about it. At least, not until I grudgingly obeyed a prompting to go to the temple about a week and a half ago.
I arrived at the temple, my heart crushed and bleeding underneath the weight of sin, emotional distress from feeling like my faith was failing me, and both emotional AND spiritual distress from experiencing what surely felt like a realization that neither God nor Jesus would ever, ever heal me. But despite being mostly numb, I still grudgingly and only a little willingly left open the space for my Heavenly Father & Savior to work some kind of miracle. Or, at least to give me something to go on, as I was suffering quite immensely that morning. Donning my street clothes and backpack, I sat in my usual place - through the main entrance, to the right, and straight ahead to the yellow couch. I'd picked that spot because it's usually free of noise in that waiting room, which I need in order to concentrate & tune into personal revelation that I believe God wants me to write down in my journal. I'd been prompted before even leaving my apartment that morning that I needed to study in Jacob 5, which, for those of you who do not know, is the allegory of the olive tree. It essentially tells the story of a servant and his lord (representing Jesus Christ) who work very hard to take care of a great number of olive trees in a vineyard, which represent children of God who have accepted the true gospel of Jesus Christ. At first I didn't really get why I felt prompted to study there. I had an inkling of maybe why this was, but as I started to study, it became very apparent. Let me share with you some groundbreaking answers to my question above I received:
The allegory of the olive tree talks about plucking branches “whose fruit is most bitter”. The Savior didn’t want any other fruit buth the most bitter removed, which I take to mean the most rotten, or perhaps the most underripe. In my case, it sounds more like it’d be the first - not as a statement of self-deprecation, but rather as a factual, impartial observation of which symbolism most accurately represents what addiction looks like, at its worst The damaging, destructive nature of addiction that starts to especially harm others is the “most bitter” part of my addiction branches. But then comes the especially curious part, wherein Christ says, essentially, that He is doing that (removing the most bitter fruit) so that the tree (representing me in this vein of thought) doesn’t perish, speaking spiritually of course. But that’s not the whole reason - Jesus says that he wants to keep the tree alive to preserve the roots, for His own purpose.
- He goes even further with His servants, telling them to not plucky any wild branches except the most bitter, repeating & thus re-emphasizing the great importance of leaving all the other wild branches there. And then He tells them, “and in them (i.e., the wild branches) ye shall graft according to that which I have said.” In my life, answers - except the most-needed ones - have been withheld from priesthood leaders so as to keep the delicate spiritual balance in this spiritual grafting process.
- And this “spiritual grafting process” is so that “when they (the roots, representing my testimony & conversion) shall be sufficiently strong perhaps they bring forth good fruit unto me, and I may yet have glory in the fruit of my vineyard.” The help that Christ gives me isn’t Him putting Band-Aids on knife wounds. His help, while seemingly puny & unhelpful, inconsistent, or temporary in its effects, is only such if I consciously choose to view it as those things alone. Rather than this burdensome, gloomy perspective, I could see things for what they really are - a carefully orchestrated-by-Christ spiritual journey in which He is consecrating my addictions to my gain, by "clearing out the bad as the good shall grow" (see below).
- It isn’t necessarily true that Christ sees fit to set me free in the near future. Because He fully comprehends the complexity of my addictions, He consecrates everything He can about them to my spiritual profit for the future. As Brad Wilcox appropriately wrote in “The Continuous Conversion”, to paraphrase, “With our limited vision and understanding, are we really qualified to judge what is and is not a blessing?” While I believe that the Savior wants me to enjoy the blessings of His kingdom, like the priesthood & the temple endowment, those are special blessings that require much preparation and a significant change of heart. Perhaps the real blessing in not being healed of my addictions now is so that I can learn crucial lessons like how to become and stay converted, how to draw upon the grace of Jesus Christ for comfort, strength, perspective, and peace, and how it is that I will consciously, fervently choose day by day to stay true to my Savior regardless of the pull of my sexuality. Better to suffer lesser consequences because of lesser covenants, than to make & break higher covenants, perhaps setting myself back in the gospel quite a long ways.
As I thought more and more about my current situation with addiction, I grew very angry, resentful, bitter, and indifferent towards God and Jesus. I also took on a sort of scoffing, "as-if-you'll-even-help-me" sort of attitude & mentality. Why? A single question was dominating my mind, consuming me with its unanswerable, needling torment. I couldn't figure it out!! The question was:
If God & Jesus really want me to live a righteous, sexually pure life, WHY AREN'T THEY HEALING ME FROM MY ADDICTION?!
Seems to be a fair question, right? Many of us in the LGBT Mormon community, for a multitude of different reasons, struggle with differing addictions. I do not claim any expertise on the subject; I have merely observed this reality as I have fought back against addictions myself. And many, if not most of us, try everything under God's heaven to recover, heal, find sobriety, whatever you want to call it. We try the Church's 12-step addiction recovery program, exercise, studying scriptures more, praying more, plunging ourselves into the depths of family history & genealogy, filtering apps and/or software, and more! Yet, so many of us are coming up short in the long term!! What does this mean for each of us? Does it mean that God & the Savior don't want us to find peace, healing, and wholeness of soul? All of this was whirling through my mind like some kind of cosmic spiritual storm in my spirit. And as I have indicated, I couldn't really do anything about it. At least, not until I grudgingly obeyed a prompting to go to the temple about a week and a half ago.
I arrived at the temple, my heart crushed and bleeding underneath the weight of sin, emotional distress from feeling like my faith was failing me, and both emotional AND spiritual distress from experiencing what surely felt like a realization that neither God nor Jesus would ever, ever heal me. But despite being mostly numb, I still grudgingly and only a little willingly left open the space for my Heavenly Father & Savior to work some kind of miracle. Or, at least to give me something to go on, as I was suffering quite immensely that morning. Donning my street clothes and backpack, I sat in my usual place - through the main entrance, to the right, and straight ahead to the yellow couch. I'd picked that spot because it's usually free of noise in that waiting room, which I need in order to concentrate & tune into personal revelation that I believe God wants me to write down in my journal. I'd been prompted before even leaving my apartment that morning that I needed to study in Jacob 5, which, for those of you who do not know, is the allegory of the olive tree. It essentially tells the story of a servant and his lord (representing Jesus Christ) who work very hard to take care of a great number of olive trees in a vineyard, which represent children of God who have accepted the true gospel of Jesus Christ. At first I didn't really get why I felt prompted to study there. I had an inkling of maybe why this was, but as I started to study, it became very apparent. Let me share with you some groundbreaking answers to my question above I received:
The allegory of the olive tree talks about plucking branches “whose fruit is most bitter”. The Savior didn’t want any other fruit buth the most bitter removed, which I take to mean the most rotten, or perhaps the most underripe. In my case, it sounds more like it’d be the first - not as a statement of self-deprecation, but rather as a factual, impartial observation of which symbolism most accurately represents what addiction looks like, at its worst The damaging, destructive nature of addiction that starts to especially harm others is the “most bitter” part of my addiction branches. But then comes the especially curious part, wherein Christ says, essentially, that He is doing that (removing the most bitter fruit) so that the tree (representing me in this vein of thought) doesn’t perish, speaking spiritually of course. But that’s not the whole reason - Jesus says that he wants to keep the tree alive to preserve the roots, for His own purpose.
- He goes even further with His servants, telling them to not plucky any wild branches except the most bitter, repeating & thus re-emphasizing the great importance of leaving all the other wild branches there. And then He tells them, “and in them (i.e., the wild branches) ye shall graft according to that which I have said.” In my life, answers - except the most-needed ones - have been withheld from priesthood leaders so as to keep the delicate spiritual balance in this spiritual grafting process.
- And this “spiritual grafting process” is so that “when they (the roots, representing my testimony & conversion) shall be sufficiently strong perhaps they bring forth good fruit unto me, and I may yet have glory in the fruit of my vineyard.” The help that Christ gives me isn’t Him putting Band-Aids on knife wounds. His help, while seemingly puny & unhelpful, inconsistent, or temporary in its effects, is only such if I consciously choose to view it as those things alone. Rather than this burdensome, gloomy perspective, I could see things for what they really are - a carefully orchestrated-by-Christ spiritual journey in which He is consecrating my addictions to my gain, by "clearing out the bad as the good shall grow" (see below).
- It isn’t necessarily true that Christ sees fit to set me free in the near future. Because He fully comprehends the complexity of my addictions, He consecrates everything He can about them to my spiritual profit for the future. As Brad Wilcox appropriately wrote in “The Continuous Conversion”, to paraphrase, “With our limited vision and understanding, are we really qualified to judge what is and is not a blessing?” While I believe that the Savior wants me to enjoy the blessings of His kingdom, like the priesthood & the temple endowment, those are special blessings that require much preparation and a significant change of heart. Perhaps the real blessing in not being healed of my addictions now is so that I can learn crucial lessons like how to become and stay converted, how to draw upon the grace of Jesus Christ for comfort, strength, perspective, and peace, and how it is that I will consciously, fervently choose day by day to stay true to my Savior regardless of the pull of my sexuality. Better to suffer lesser consequences because of lesser covenants, than to make & break higher covenants, perhaps setting myself back in the gospel quite a long ways.
And, I’m sure that there are other reasons to let me struggle in the place where I am, that I do not see, but that Heavenly Father and the Savior see… So, essentially, it could be that the Savior withholds healing not because He doesn’t want me to choose & have virtue, but rather because He wants me to retain virtue after choosing and having it. A crucial scripture in these verses for understanding this concept is when the Lord instructs His servants to "clear out the bad as the good shall grow". That is essential to retaining virtue after choosing & having it. And, as I’ve said, surely there are lessons of grace, strength, humility, and more that only the terrible chains of addiction can teach. Maybe it is only by walking through “the valley of the shadow of death” (Psalms 23:4), that I learn how to have spiritual life “more abundantly” (John 10:10). Speaking of Psalms 23, I’ve realized just how appropriate it is for casting light on this soul-rending, heart-wrenching struggle. The following points are insights from that passage of scripture: 1. Not once is deliverance or an answer to a single prayer mentioned in Psalms 23, hearkening back to the ability of the Lord to be present with me in my sinful addictions - just as He was with Nephi, and most likely with Paul as well (2nd Nephi 5, 2nd Cor. 12:7-10)
2. The phrase, “He leadeth me” is mentioned twice in this very short Psalm. Why, though? I believe it’s because the Lord wanted to show me that he isn’t compelling me, dictating me, forcing me, or immediately (or even anytime soon, really) delivering me from my addictions. A perfect leader is true to His title - He leads, He doesn’t tell me exactly what to do or where to go. That wouldn’t be real Love. Herein, then, is found wisdom again in Him, by deciding what a blessing really is for me. Jesus is letting me decide with my agency how to proceed, and is leading me to preserve my roots for “His own purpose”. He is also still preserving the integrity of my testimony & conversion at their core while doing this, with perfect wisdom and divine timing.
2. The phrase, “He leadeth me” is mentioned twice in this very short Psalm. Why, though? I believe it’s because the Lord wanted to show me that he isn’t compelling me, dictating me, forcing me, or immediately (or even anytime soon, really) delivering me from my addictions. A perfect leader is true to His title - He leads, He doesn’t tell me exactly what to do or where to go. That wouldn’t be real Love. Herein, then, is found wisdom again in Him, by deciding what a blessing really is for me. Jesus is letting me decide with my agency how to proceed, and is leading me to preserve my roots for “His own purpose”. He is also still preserving the integrity of my testimony & conversion at their core while doing this, with perfect wisdom and divine timing.
3. David wrote that though he walks through “the valley of the shadow of death”, he will “fear no evil”. I think it’s a HUGE mistake to only interpret this as adversity facing David, or honestly to interpret it that way at all. I think, given the circumstances of David’s life when he was writing this psalm, it would be far more accurate to say that this “valley of the shadow of death” was one of grevious sin that he walked into, not some terrible life circumstance that happened to him.
4. “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies”... to me, this means that, despite being hounded by my addictions, I will still be nourished by the Savior, like the allegory says.
And finally, as one last insight, in the allegory of the olive tree, a servant is speaking to Christ and asking, “Why camest thou hither to plant this tree? Behold, it was the poorest spot in all the vineyard…” And Christ replied, saying, “Counsel me not, behold, I knew it was the poorest spot in all the vineyard. But behold how it hath brought forth much fruit.” <3 <3 <3
4. “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies”... to me, this means that, despite being hounded by my addictions, I will still be nourished by the Savior, like the allegory says.
And finally, as one last insight, in the allegory of the olive tree, a servant is speaking to Christ and asking, “Why camest thou hither to plant this tree? Behold, it was the poorest spot in all the vineyard…” And Christ replied, saying, “Counsel me not, behold, I knew it was the poorest spot in all the vineyard. But behold how it hath brought forth much fruit.” <3 <3 <3
My friends, I AM THAT TREE! Immediately when I read those verses detailing that conversation, I said to myself, "I am that tree! I have been planted in the worst spot of ground in the whole vineyard of Christ - the whole Church!!" But what is the Savior's loving reply to the servant, to me, and to all of us?? To paraphrase, it was, "Don't give me advice on how to do my work and my glory of saving & exalting you. I knew that I was putting you in an infertile, terrible spot of soil, but look how much light, virtue, and goodness you have brought forward out of it!" From my perspective, my Savior KNEW that He was putting me in circumstances that would eventually influence & lead me into addictive behaviors and addictions themselves, despite the purely loving influence He would exert on me to the best of His ability, what this allegory calls "nourishing (me) all the day long". So, in His perfect love and wisdom, He decided to keep unconditionally nourishing me every day of my life, because He knew eventually I'd find healing and be all the stronger for it. I do not even slightly suggest that our Savior enables or allows our sin; I am saying that He works with what He can, given that He must honor our agency and work with our human frailties. <3 I testify that our Savior, Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father WILL lift us out of our addictions, and heal us by replacing them with far better and beautiful things and people. But, we have to submit wholly to their timing, and give up our own. After all, their timing is the only timing in which pain yields to peace, addiction to connection, and sin to holiness and perfect love. Until next time, my beloved readers & friends... :) :)
4.25.2018
Musings on Recent Travels
It's amazing what life can teach you in a seemingly brief handful of days. Last November, I chose to plan an elaborately long trip to Italy, one that would hand me enough memories for a lifetime. I took hours and hours to map out everything necessary to make it a reality, as I would be traveling alone and would largely brave the journey without any help. And honestly, I finished out my plans with some degree of pride in my work, because I'd accomplished something I never had done before - fabricating a solid traveling itinerary for myself only. Before I knew it, I found myself on a plane to Italy in April, which did not fully hit me until the plane actually touched down and I could look outside. Naturally, I wish that traveling to Europe could be a little more familiar, to where I could experience the excitement and thrill of it a little sooner. Those emotions having a delay enriches the initial "I'm in Europe" feeling somewhat more, though, so it's hard to say which I'd prefer. Anyway, as I've been in Italy for nearly 2 weeks, I've been thinking somewhat about a truth that I feel could be highly applicable to any LGBT+ Mormon. It's correlated directly to my travels, actually...
During this amazingly diverse trip, I have socialized with and befriended more total strangers than I ever do normally. This is for two reasons: 1. My opportunities for socializing with people I know back home are limited by the 8-hour time difference between Italy and Utah, and 2. I've had many more chances to get to know strangers than is typical for me, because of staying in hostels. Being an extrovert, I've taken advantage of almost all opportunities to socialize with people I don't know at all. It feeds my emotional needs and my personality in a way that nothing else can. I thrive off the energy of getting to know people, hearing their stories, and forming emotional connections with these same people. Although my happiness doesn't depend on others, it is built up by fostering healthy relationships with other human beings. That leads into the main point of my post today. So, even before I left on my trip, I realized that I would be involuntarily creating a tremendous, unprecedented amount of space - both physical AND emotional, mind you - between my friends and me. Part of me really liked the idea of this happening, because I figured maybe a "hard reset" on my friendships is exactly what they needed. That was my logical part talking. My emotional, extroverted side of myself panicked a bit, exclaiming, "NO, NO!!! I can't let my friendships be without attention for that long! Am I crazy?!" But, having booked my flights already long before this, I had unknowingly forced myself into the situation. So, despite having major qualms about leaving my friends behind "unattended", so to speak, I realized I had to face the unavoidable reality my trip had created long before now.
The connection to the whole LGBT+ Mormon thing? I'm getting there... ;) ;) Once life plunged me headfirst into this supposedly terrible quandary, I basically braced myself and told myself I'd just do what I could to maintain my friendships. But with almost every day being packed with activities, getting to know new friends, figuring out the next leg of my trip, etc, etc, etc, well - I didn't really have a lot of time to keep up. At times, I would call my mom or dad, and maybe a close friend. Everyone else? They fell completely through the cracks where our lives simply could not align. This taught me something super important - what it feels like to be so innocently and blissfully busy that people I love are on my mind, but beyond my reach. As I've heard it put in a movie a while back, "I think that sometimes, people forget to love each other. That doesn't mean that they don't love each other, though." That statement has always deeply resounded with my heart, because I have sometimes felt neglected by my friends. Despite my therapist telling me that it is because of differing priorities, schedules, energy levels at the time of attempted communication (such as a text), it didn't really sink in. As a gay Mormon man, I need platonic, emotionally intimate connection with other men to move forward in the happiest & most fulfilling way. Without that connection, I experience much greater difficulty in living the virtues Christ wants me to, most especially the Law of Chastity. So, bringing it back to center, if I feel ignored, rejected by, passed over by, or otherwise pushed aside by my male friends, it can create difficulties in peacefully & happily living a Christ-centered lifestyle.
The firsthand experience of learning what it's like to lack time, energy, motivation, etc to reply to and/or reach out to those I love has opened my eyes. I've not been wanting for sufficient empathy and love towards my friends, to where I've become angry or resentful about their lack of reciprocity in our communications. I can handle some texts that aren't replied to, or a phone call that seemingly goes unnoticed. But sometimes, a friend will go what feels like FOREVER without responding. And that, my dear readers, has been very, very problematic up until just recently. I've always maintained the philosophy that if you love someone, you will make time for them. And, I've always been right. Not to stand up on a soapbox, because me being "right" lacked some significant insight. People do indeed make time for those they truly love, but life can shove some major, major roadblocks in the way of that. Hence my statement earlier about people simply forgetting to love, instead of not loving at all to begin with. Unfortunately, because of the intensity of my emotions at times, I got caught up sometimes in the latter way of thinking - that lack of reciprocity automatically meant some kind of lack of love, or even worse, a lack of being lovable on my end. Wrapped up in this toxic, vicious cycle of thinking, I could grow quite miserable on some days, feeling unloved and/or unlovable. I can assure you, it is a dark and dismal place to be. For the LGBT+ Mormon who literally needs that same-sex connection, it only compounds the problem, which is often accompanied by other difficult issues like mental illness, addiction, and the like.
My message today is simple - step outside your own shoes of life experience for a few minutes, and step inside the shoes of a busy friend. You may not understand why they put their boyfriend/girlfriend first, or invite out other friends to do things, or even why they favor time with their family constantly, never seeming to have a second thought for you and the friendship you guys share. I know. I get it. I've watched all kinds of social scenarios play out with friends, which leave me wondering what I've done wrong, how my friends could be so "insensitive" or "mean" or even "heartless". Yep, I've total wondered those things, and even worse than that. And you know, I honestly believed I had taken my feet outta my shoes and put them in those of my friends'. Some perspectives, however, can only be attained through one of two avenues: intense, highly visual meditation, or firsthand experience. They both accomplish the same purpose - you get to journey down an unfamiliar, difficult path that happens to belong to a person or people that you love very much. And, if you pay attention and open your heart, something wonderfully eye-opening occurs. You finally can see with your heart what someone else has been going through, and then your heart softens to where you want to cut that person some slack. You wholeheartedly, vulnerably plunge yourself into this mutually messy, broken, imperfect human experience we all share, and it leads you to say from your heart, "I have been in this place before, and so I will be, at the very least, kind."
I realize that we, as LGBT+ Mormons, have chosen to offer up the sacrifice of our passions & desires for same-sex romance and physical intimacy on a daily basis. It hurts sometimes, and we yearn for something to ease the ache, to fill the void it leaves in our hearts for something more. I testify that as we follow the counsel of this beautifully simple scripture, we will find what we virtuously seek after:
"Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again." - Luke 6:38
During this amazingly diverse trip, I have socialized with and befriended more total strangers than I ever do normally. This is for two reasons: 1. My opportunities for socializing with people I know back home are limited by the 8-hour time difference between Italy and Utah, and 2. I've had many more chances to get to know strangers than is typical for me, because of staying in hostels. Being an extrovert, I've taken advantage of almost all opportunities to socialize with people I don't know at all. It feeds my emotional needs and my personality in a way that nothing else can. I thrive off the energy of getting to know people, hearing their stories, and forming emotional connections with these same people. Although my happiness doesn't depend on others, it is built up by fostering healthy relationships with other human beings. That leads into the main point of my post today. So, even before I left on my trip, I realized that I would be involuntarily creating a tremendous, unprecedented amount of space - both physical AND emotional, mind you - between my friends and me. Part of me really liked the idea of this happening, because I figured maybe a "hard reset" on my friendships is exactly what they needed. That was my logical part talking. My emotional, extroverted side of myself panicked a bit, exclaiming, "NO, NO!!! I can't let my friendships be without attention for that long! Am I crazy?!" But, having booked my flights already long before this, I had unknowingly forced myself into the situation. So, despite having major qualms about leaving my friends behind "unattended", so to speak, I realized I had to face the unavoidable reality my trip had created long before now.
The connection to the whole LGBT+ Mormon thing? I'm getting there... ;) ;) Once life plunged me headfirst into this supposedly terrible quandary, I basically braced myself and told myself I'd just do what I could to maintain my friendships. But with almost every day being packed with activities, getting to know new friends, figuring out the next leg of my trip, etc, etc, etc, well - I didn't really have a lot of time to keep up. At times, I would call my mom or dad, and maybe a close friend. Everyone else? They fell completely through the cracks where our lives simply could not align. This taught me something super important - what it feels like to be so innocently and blissfully busy that people I love are on my mind, but beyond my reach. As I've heard it put in a movie a while back, "I think that sometimes, people forget to love each other. That doesn't mean that they don't love each other, though." That statement has always deeply resounded with my heart, because I have sometimes felt neglected by my friends. Despite my therapist telling me that it is because of differing priorities, schedules, energy levels at the time of attempted communication (such as a text), it didn't really sink in. As a gay Mormon man, I need platonic, emotionally intimate connection with other men to move forward in the happiest & most fulfilling way. Without that connection, I experience much greater difficulty in living the virtues Christ wants me to, most especially the Law of Chastity. So, bringing it back to center, if I feel ignored, rejected by, passed over by, or otherwise pushed aside by my male friends, it can create difficulties in peacefully & happily living a Christ-centered lifestyle.
The firsthand experience of learning what it's like to lack time, energy, motivation, etc to reply to and/or reach out to those I love has opened my eyes. I've not been wanting for sufficient empathy and love towards my friends, to where I've become angry or resentful about their lack of reciprocity in our communications. I can handle some texts that aren't replied to, or a phone call that seemingly goes unnoticed. But sometimes, a friend will go what feels like FOREVER without responding. And that, my dear readers, has been very, very problematic up until just recently. I've always maintained the philosophy that if you love someone, you will make time for them. And, I've always been right. Not to stand up on a soapbox, because me being "right" lacked some significant insight. People do indeed make time for those they truly love, but life can shove some major, major roadblocks in the way of that. Hence my statement earlier about people simply forgetting to love, instead of not loving at all to begin with. Unfortunately, because of the intensity of my emotions at times, I got caught up sometimes in the latter way of thinking - that lack of reciprocity automatically meant some kind of lack of love, or even worse, a lack of being lovable on my end. Wrapped up in this toxic, vicious cycle of thinking, I could grow quite miserable on some days, feeling unloved and/or unlovable. I can assure you, it is a dark and dismal place to be. For the LGBT+ Mormon who literally needs that same-sex connection, it only compounds the problem, which is often accompanied by other difficult issues like mental illness, addiction, and the like.
My message today is simple - step outside your own shoes of life experience for a few minutes, and step inside the shoes of a busy friend. You may not understand why they put their boyfriend/girlfriend first, or invite out other friends to do things, or even why they favor time with their family constantly, never seeming to have a second thought for you and the friendship you guys share. I know. I get it. I've watched all kinds of social scenarios play out with friends, which leave me wondering what I've done wrong, how my friends could be so "insensitive" or "mean" or even "heartless". Yep, I've total wondered those things, and even worse than that. And you know, I honestly believed I had taken my feet outta my shoes and put them in those of my friends'. Some perspectives, however, can only be attained through one of two avenues: intense, highly visual meditation, or firsthand experience. They both accomplish the same purpose - you get to journey down an unfamiliar, difficult path that happens to belong to a person or people that you love very much. And, if you pay attention and open your heart, something wonderfully eye-opening occurs. You finally can see with your heart what someone else has been going through, and then your heart softens to where you want to cut that person some slack. You wholeheartedly, vulnerably plunge yourself into this mutually messy, broken, imperfect human experience we all share, and it leads you to say from your heart, "I have been in this place before, and so I will be, at the very least, kind."
I realize that we, as LGBT+ Mormons, have chosen to offer up the sacrifice of our passions & desires for same-sex romance and physical intimacy on a daily basis. It hurts sometimes, and we yearn for something to ease the ache, to fill the void it leaves in our hearts for something more. I testify that as we follow the counsel of this beautifully simple scripture, we will find what we virtuously seek after:
"Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again." - Luke 6:38
Give others the benefit of the doubt. Give them the empathy, compassion, and divine perspective our Savior has into all our lives, which believes the best of everyone and only judges when it has to. Give other children of God forgiveness when you discover they haven't been as true to your friendship as you would have liked, and give the grace of second, third, and fourth chances to those same friends when such grace is mutually beneficial. And more than anything, give pure love, God's love to those who least deserve it, or even just those who are tired and trying to love as best as they can. And, I testify that those we love will give back in time, often when we do not look for that love, or expect its reciprocity. :) <3 I love you guys... Until next time. :) <3
2.27.2018
Feeling It Out, And Bringing It Back In
On Saturday this past weekend, I attended an AMAZING concert that showcased some very gifted local artists in Provo. I had fun, and ended up staying out very late - 2am, in fact. Church started at 9:30 the next morning, which may not seem like a big deal to some. But, I ride public transportation only, which basically means I have to get up at like 8 am at the latest to be ready and on time. Just was one thing was different, though - I was experiencing a faith crisis that had gradually increased in severity from a few weeks back. It really reached its apex on Saturday morning, calming down notably in the evening when I attended my concert. But, then I woke up the next morning and felt like I had been shoved back onto square 1 again. Lol. Depressed, groggy, and above all, apathetic as could be, I switched on my smartphone and saw that the time was about 8:30. "Nope," I said to myself, looking at my phone. "There's no way I'm gonna be on time, and I can't take the sacrament anyway, so who cares if I miss sacrament meeting?" By the time I got ready, ate, and left, it turned out to be just late enough that I arrived in time for the last 5 or so minutes of sacrament meeting.
But...it gets better. Haha.
You see, I have a lovely lady friend in my ward who I connect with pretty darn well. We relate in many different respects, and often have lovely conversations with each other. This lady friend saw me almost immediately when I came into the chapel after sacrament had ended, and she flapped her hands at me to draw me over to her. My depression was yelling, "No, no, don't talk with her or ANYONE!!! You know you don't want to!" I ignored that voice's direction, though still very much feeling my overall feeling of gloomy, dark depression. Right as I sat down she said, "Well hello, Mr. Gloomy!" Totally nonplussed, all I said was, "Um, what?" She replied, "Oh, you just look really gloomy today. What's goin on, how ya doin?" And although I resisted her initial attempts to figure that out, eventually she coaxed that info out with some loving, validating remarks and questions. Which also coaxed out a waterfall of tears and blubbering. I am glad I sat by her, though, because the conversation that followed really lifted a significant burden off my heart and "shoulders", so to speak. It felt so much better after I had just vented all of my feelings and just given them a fair voice, a fair chance to really be heard. So, what's even the point of my random, personal story?? Let me tell you...
I have observed in the LGBT+ Mormon community that we handle our attractions & the emotions surrounding them in unhealthy, or at least unhelpful, ways. Shame, guilt, Church culture, family upbringing, social norms, and other factors prevent us from truly expressing our attractions and the feelings related to them. For example, I will say something when I see a hot/cute/handsome man in public to either to myself or to a friend. It validates that my feelings, attractions, thoughts, whatever are NOT bad, but are natural and to be expected on a regular basis, just as is the case with heterosexual men. I've noticed that when at least a few of us are together, we feel safe making such comments. Not saying it's for everyone, but why not try it with friends we're close enough with?? The worst that could happen with a true friend is that they'd be uncomfortable, and there would be some temporary awkwardness. Better to share in the awkwardness with a friend, than to have to sit with it inside, all by yourself. Nobody around you knows what that restrictive, discomforting, and strange feeling is like...so why not share it sometimes, if they love you? Haha. Nothing wrong with that, is there? "Bear ye one another's burdens, that they may be light." Yes, this is included in the baptismal covenant we all have taken as members. I also view it as positive to start a healthy conversation.
However, this is about SO much more than just saying a guy/girl is hot when you're gay, lesbian, bi, or whatever. It's more than starting a conversation, or sharing your burden with a fellow disciple of Christ. My post today centers around the perhaps strange idea to run into your attractions & related feelings, rather than avoiding, minimizing, shelving, repressing, or at worst, ignoring them altogether. The need to love and be loved is the strongest of human needs, and if we're silencing the things inside that speak to unrequited, unfulfilled, or frustrated same-sex love, we are going to suffer for it. And, we do! There is a reason why you are driven to view porn and to jack off to it, if you'll forgive the crass expression. There is most definitely a reason why you feel a need to cling to that one man who has opened his heart to you as a good/close friend, or why you're searching for that "one friend who will make everything okay". And, there is most definitely and beyond a shadow of a doubt a reason why you have periods of "binge gay-ing", where you talk about your gayness (or other form of sexuality), laugh at inappropriate jokes surrounding it, post about it on social media, and essentially keep it in front of your face and others' faces for quite a period of time. It's because you're not giving your attractions a genuine and productive outlet! There's quite a difference between just flashing your sexuality about like the U.S. flag for everyone to see and wonder at, and then really sitting with how your sexuality feels, looks, talks, breathes...everything!
I've written about this before in previous blog posts if you'd like to take a look, but I cannot overemphasize the absolutely essential role of intimate, same-sex friendships. I really cannot. These also give a "voice" and "expression" to your sexuality, because it's a way of channeling that unrequited, unfulfilled, and frustrated energy into a number of gospel-related friendships. When you can't engage in sex or romance with the same sex, it leaves you with only one major option as far as fulfilling emotional intimacy is concerned - platonic relationships. So, if you've got a bunch of this stagnant, festering romantic and sexual energy directed at the same sex, how can you possibly expect to feel happy and healthy with all that bottled up, with nowhere to go? You can't! Lol. It's impossible. Wherever desire is left unfulfilled, it must be redirected to a virtuous, gospel-centered outlet as a replacement. Emotionally intimate friendship is that outlet. Now, I'm sure you're saying, "But Spencer, I'm lonely and I'm trying to make friends! It's not working!!" May I suggest gently and compassionately that perhaps it's time to take things a step further and work at loving yourself? Obviously, most of us in this situation aren't gazing into a mirror, all in love with ourselves and whatnot. But, some of us struggle to love ourselves by practicing good self-care, forgiving ourselves, taking it easy on ourselves when we screw up, and so on. And, I have always firmly believed that it is much, much harder to form healthy, intimate friendships or relationships in general when you struggle to love yourself first. This is because you cannot draw sufficient water out of a dry or drying-up well. Cultivating love for yourself in your heart creates a space where you can first take care of yourself, so you can then best love others and form positive, fulfilling friendships/relationships with them. :) :)
I testify that the Spirit can help you in these endeavors of loving yourself, loving others, and drawing good, loving people into your life. I testify that I know this because of personal experience. I also testify from personal experience that the Spirit can witness to you who will be a good friend for you, who to avoid, and also how to have smooth social interactions, by telling what is and is not appropriate in any given situation. :) I bear my witness that our Heavenly Father and our Savior both love you very, very much, more than you can comprehend, and they DO want you to lead a life that is both centered on Christ and filled with happiness and the joy that only They can give you. And, if you persevere down the gospel path, I testify last of all that you can find a socially, emotionally, and overall abundant life if you will only learn how to trust your Savior. He will take you and lead you by the hand, if you are humble (D&C 112:10). I have experienced this, and I know you can, too. Love you guys!!! Until next time... :) :) :)
But...it gets better. Haha.
You see, I have a lovely lady friend in my ward who I connect with pretty darn well. We relate in many different respects, and often have lovely conversations with each other. This lady friend saw me almost immediately when I came into the chapel after sacrament had ended, and she flapped her hands at me to draw me over to her. My depression was yelling, "No, no, don't talk with her or ANYONE!!! You know you don't want to!" I ignored that voice's direction, though still very much feeling my overall feeling of gloomy, dark depression. Right as I sat down she said, "Well hello, Mr. Gloomy!" Totally nonplussed, all I said was, "Um, what?" She replied, "Oh, you just look really gloomy today. What's goin on, how ya doin?" And although I resisted her initial attempts to figure that out, eventually she coaxed that info out with some loving, validating remarks and questions. Which also coaxed out a waterfall of tears and blubbering. I am glad I sat by her, though, because the conversation that followed really lifted a significant burden off my heart and "shoulders", so to speak. It felt so much better after I had just vented all of my feelings and just given them a fair voice, a fair chance to really be heard. So, what's even the point of my random, personal story?? Let me tell you...
I have observed in the LGBT+ Mormon community that we handle our attractions & the emotions surrounding them in unhealthy, or at least unhelpful, ways. Shame, guilt, Church culture, family upbringing, social norms, and other factors prevent us from truly expressing our attractions and the feelings related to them. For example, I will say something when I see a hot/cute/handsome man in public to either to myself or to a friend. It validates that my feelings, attractions, thoughts, whatever are NOT bad, but are natural and to be expected on a regular basis, just as is the case with heterosexual men. I've noticed that when at least a few of us are together, we feel safe making such comments. Not saying it's for everyone, but why not try it with friends we're close enough with?? The worst that could happen with a true friend is that they'd be uncomfortable, and there would be some temporary awkwardness. Better to share in the awkwardness with a friend, than to have to sit with it inside, all by yourself. Nobody around you knows what that restrictive, discomforting, and strange feeling is like...so why not share it sometimes, if they love you? Haha. Nothing wrong with that, is there? "Bear ye one another's burdens, that they may be light." Yes, this is included in the baptismal covenant we all have taken as members. I also view it as positive to start a healthy conversation.
However, this is about SO much more than just saying a guy/girl is hot when you're gay, lesbian, bi, or whatever. It's more than starting a conversation, or sharing your burden with a fellow disciple of Christ. My post today centers around the perhaps strange idea to run into your attractions & related feelings, rather than avoiding, minimizing, shelving, repressing, or at worst, ignoring them altogether. The need to love and be loved is the strongest of human needs, and if we're silencing the things inside that speak to unrequited, unfulfilled, or frustrated same-sex love, we are going to suffer for it. And, we do! There is a reason why you are driven to view porn and to jack off to it, if you'll forgive the crass expression. There is most definitely a reason why you feel a need to cling to that one man who has opened his heart to you as a good/close friend, or why you're searching for that "one friend who will make everything okay". And, there is most definitely and beyond a shadow of a doubt a reason why you have periods of "binge gay-ing", where you talk about your gayness (or other form of sexuality), laugh at inappropriate jokes surrounding it, post about it on social media, and essentially keep it in front of your face and others' faces for quite a period of time. It's because you're not giving your attractions a genuine and productive outlet! There's quite a difference between just flashing your sexuality about like the U.S. flag for everyone to see and wonder at, and then really sitting with how your sexuality feels, looks, talks, breathes...everything!
I've written about this before in previous blog posts if you'd like to take a look, but I cannot overemphasize the absolutely essential role of intimate, same-sex friendships. I really cannot. These also give a "voice" and "expression" to your sexuality, because it's a way of channeling that unrequited, unfulfilled, and frustrated energy into a number of gospel-related friendships. When you can't engage in sex or romance with the same sex, it leaves you with only one major option as far as fulfilling emotional intimacy is concerned - platonic relationships. So, if you've got a bunch of this stagnant, festering romantic and sexual energy directed at the same sex, how can you possibly expect to feel happy and healthy with all that bottled up, with nowhere to go? You can't! Lol. It's impossible. Wherever desire is left unfulfilled, it must be redirected to a virtuous, gospel-centered outlet as a replacement. Emotionally intimate friendship is that outlet. Now, I'm sure you're saying, "But Spencer, I'm lonely and I'm trying to make friends! It's not working!!" May I suggest gently and compassionately that perhaps it's time to take things a step further and work at loving yourself? Obviously, most of us in this situation aren't gazing into a mirror, all in love with ourselves and whatnot. But, some of us struggle to love ourselves by practicing good self-care, forgiving ourselves, taking it easy on ourselves when we screw up, and so on. And, I have always firmly believed that it is much, much harder to form healthy, intimate friendships or relationships in general when you struggle to love yourself first. This is because you cannot draw sufficient water out of a dry or drying-up well. Cultivating love for yourself in your heart creates a space where you can first take care of yourself, so you can then best love others and form positive, fulfilling friendships/relationships with them. :) :)
I testify that the Spirit can help you in these endeavors of loving yourself, loving others, and drawing good, loving people into your life. I testify that I know this because of personal experience. I also testify from personal experience that the Spirit can witness to you who will be a good friend for you, who to avoid, and also how to have smooth social interactions, by telling what is and is not appropriate in any given situation. :) I bear my witness that our Heavenly Father and our Savior both love you very, very much, more than you can comprehend, and they DO want you to lead a life that is both centered on Christ and filled with happiness and the joy that only They can give you. And, if you persevere down the gospel path, I testify last of all that you can find a socially, emotionally, and overall abundant life if you will only learn how to trust your Savior. He will take you and lead you by the hand, if you are humble (D&C 112:10). I have experienced this, and I know you can, too. Love you guys!!! Until next time... :) :) :)
1.26.2018
Viewing His Identity
It may seem as though I'm "excessive" with my use of the scriptures for inspiration here in my blog, but I strongly believe we cannot turn to any better source for said inspiration. The word of our Heavenly Father is powerful, and more than sufficient to "tell (us) all things what (we) should do." (2nd Nephi 32:3). I absolutely love the scriptures for this reason, because digging deep enough into them won't ever provide us with a flawless map for life, but it will give us enough to go on until the Lord gives us more direction. With that out of the way, then, I'd like to share a scripture, Matthew 22:41-42, which declares:
"While the Pharisees were gathered together, Jesus asked them, Saying, What think ye of Christ? whose son is he? They say unto him, The Son of David."
Now you might be saying to yourself, "Um...what does this have anything to do with what Spencer was just writing about? That literally makes no sense." At first glance, I can see how you might think that! ;) :) Well, let's return to my words for a second. I wrote that I believe we cannot turn to any better source than the scriptures for inspiration, and I also wrote that they give us enough to go on until the Lord gives us more direction. That being said, how is it possible to properly draw upon the power of a relationship with Christ, if we do not look at Him in the way our Heavenly Father intended? As the Book of Mormon teaches in 2nd Nephi 26:24, "He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him." It can be dangerous or at the least, detrimental to think of the Lord Jesus Christ as a "great teacher", "good man", "someone who asks too much of me", or, in the case of the Pharisees, "the son of David" - just another person on the streets, a mortal man making too much of himself to others. But, we know differently of Him.
Through ancient and modern revelation, we understand that Jesus Christ is the Only Begotten of the Father. He is the literal progeny of God, divine in every respect. In short, He is the Son of God, and this is what He was asking the Pharisees above - if they knew His true identity. To me, Christ is asking them here, "Do you understand who I am? Do you comprehend the purpose I have here on the earth right now, or do you just view me as another mortal man?" Now, let's contrast this with another scriptural example. In Matthew 16:13-17, it declares,
"...He asked his disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I the Son of man am? And they said, Some say that thou art John the Baptist: some, Elias; and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets. He saith unto them, But whom say ye that I am? And Simon Peter answered and said, Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God. And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Bar-jona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven."
Notice how Christ asks first who men say that He is, and the responses His apostles give do not mesh with the truth of His divinity. But then, distinguishing the difference between the Saints and individuals who do not yet know truth, Jesus asks, "Whom say ye that I am?" And with a witness that Christ Himself points out comes from our Heavenly Father, Peter answers with the correct answer of truth - that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God. So, why does this matter, anyway? What do all these pretty little scriptures have to do with you and me as fellow participants in the LGBT+ journey of Mormonism, aka the gospel of Jesus Christ? It all comes down to a clear-cut choice, though it can be anything but simple at times.
I can choose, in any given set of circumstances, to believe that Jesus Christ was a good man, great teacher, fictitious invention of ancient fanatics, world-changing philosopher, or something along those lines. I can ignore any small shred of evidence I've received of the reality of His presence and identity in my life, and cast aside the beautiful witnesses of His majestic, sovereign life throughout all His creation in the universe. Pain that manifests in multiple ways - severe disappointment, death, chronic illness, betrayal, rejection, loneliness, etc, etc - can strongly influence one to reject the idea of an all-loving, all-powerful, and all-present Savior of humankind. But if you're reading this, I suspect that you've got some little bit of light and truth you're still holding onto - otherwise, why seek after such reading material? For those of you reading this who still are holding on to even the tiniest bit of light, I challenge you to set your shame, pain, and discomfort aside, and instead take a chance on Jesus again. Even if it's just a piece at a time, hand Him your heart and soul to show you who He really is - more than all the petty, trivial identities above, and instead an actual, living, breathing Savior who desires to know you as His beloved son or daughter.
I testify that what we each think of Christ will ultimately shape our journey with Him as LGBT+ sons and daughters of God. We will slip, we will fall, and we will at times completely crash and burn - but He still loves us anyway. No matter what happens, if we establish that loving, firm relationship with Jesus Christ, He cannot and will not fail us! I love Deuteronomy 31:6, which declares, "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." And there's also 2nd Timothy 2:13, which says, "If we believe not, yet he abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself." The phrase "believe not" is better translated from the Greek as "are unfaithful". So, if we are unfaithful, yet Christ still remains faithful, because He cannot be unfaithful to us by virtue of being a perfectly loving Savior and Redeemer. Consider what you think of Jesus Christ - what you believe His identity was and is currently in your journey as someone involved with the LGBT+ community. Is Christ really who He says He is, and who His servants testify Him to be? I challenge you to delve deep into wrestling prayer with our Father-God, and to gain a witness of the true identity and nature of Christ in your life, personally. I love you all!!! Until next time, my friends....
"While the Pharisees were gathered together, Jesus asked them, Saying, What think ye of Christ? whose son is he? They say unto him, The Son of David."
Now you might be saying to yourself, "Um...what does this have anything to do with what Spencer was just writing about? That literally makes no sense." At first glance, I can see how you might think that! ;) :) Well, let's return to my words for a second. I wrote that I believe we cannot turn to any better source than the scriptures for inspiration, and I also wrote that they give us enough to go on until the Lord gives us more direction. That being said, how is it possible to properly draw upon the power of a relationship with Christ, if we do not look at Him in the way our Heavenly Father intended? As the Book of Mormon teaches in 2nd Nephi 26:24, "He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him." It can be dangerous or at the least, detrimental to think of the Lord Jesus Christ as a "great teacher", "good man", "someone who asks too much of me", or, in the case of the Pharisees, "the son of David" - just another person on the streets, a mortal man making too much of himself to others. But, we know differently of Him.
Through ancient and modern revelation, we understand that Jesus Christ is the Only Begotten of the Father. He is the literal progeny of God, divine in every respect. In short, He is the Son of God, and this is what He was asking the Pharisees above - if they knew His true identity. To me, Christ is asking them here, "Do you understand who I am? Do you comprehend the purpose I have here on the earth right now, or do you just view me as another mortal man?" Now, let's contrast this with another scriptural example. In Matthew 16:13-17, it declares,
"...He asked his disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I the Son of man am? And they said, Some say that thou art John the Baptist: some, Elias; and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets. He saith unto them, But whom say ye that I am? And Simon Peter answered and said, Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God. And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Bar-jona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven."
Notice how Christ asks first who men say that He is, and the responses His apostles give do not mesh with the truth of His divinity. But then, distinguishing the difference between the Saints and individuals who do not yet know truth, Jesus asks, "Whom say ye that I am?" And with a witness that Christ Himself points out comes from our Heavenly Father, Peter answers with the correct answer of truth - that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God. So, why does this matter, anyway? What do all these pretty little scriptures have to do with you and me as fellow participants in the LGBT+ journey of Mormonism, aka the gospel of Jesus Christ? It all comes down to a clear-cut choice, though it can be anything but simple at times.
I can choose, in any given set of circumstances, to believe that Jesus Christ was a good man, great teacher, fictitious invention of ancient fanatics, world-changing philosopher, or something along those lines. I can ignore any small shred of evidence I've received of the reality of His presence and identity in my life, and cast aside the beautiful witnesses of His majestic, sovereign life throughout all His creation in the universe. Pain that manifests in multiple ways - severe disappointment, death, chronic illness, betrayal, rejection, loneliness, etc, etc - can strongly influence one to reject the idea of an all-loving, all-powerful, and all-present Savior of humankind. But if you're reading this, I suspect that you've got some little bit of light and truth you're still holding onto - otherwise, why seek after such reading material? For those of you reading this who still are holding on to even the tiniest bit of light, I challenge you to set your shame, pain, and discomfort aside, and instead take a chance on Jesus again. Even if it's just a piece at a time, hand Him your heart and soul to show you who He really is - more than all the petty, trivial identities above, and instead an actual, living, breathing Savior who desires to know you as His beloved son or daughter.
I testify that what we each think of Christ will ultimately shape our journey with Him as LGBT+ sons and daughters of God. We will slip, we will fall, and we will at times completely crash and burn - but He still loves us anyway. No matter what happens, if we establish that loving, firm relationship with Jesus Christ, He cannot and will not fail us! I love Deuteronomy 31:6, which declares, "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." And there's also 2nd Timothy 2:13, which says, "If we believe not, yet he abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself." The phrase "believe not" is better translated from the Greek as "are unfaithful". So, if we are unfaithful, yet Christ still remains faithful, because He cannot be unfaithful to us by virtue of being a perfectly loving Savior and Redeemer. Consider what you think of Jesus Christ - what you believe His identity was and is currently in your journey as someone involved with the LGBT+ community. Is Christ really who He says He is, and who His servants testify Him to be? I challenge you to delve deep into wrestling prayer with our Father-God, and to gain a witness of the true identity and nature of Christ in your life, personally. I love you all!!! Until next time, my friends....
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