What I Deserve...

Sometimes, in the instantly gratifying world we live in, people grow impatient because they aren't getting the time, resources, material goods, food, or whatever else they say they "deserve".  In the news online, on TV, or in the newspaper, one can easily spot the attitude of people thinking they somehow just by existing, they inherently deserve this or that.  Often, I have heard individuals express disgust and contempt for those who take advantage of government welfare, even though they do not need it.  Undoubtedly, such people who are truly "working the system" have an attitude like this, in some way.  But the important and meaningful question here isn't whether or not this person or that person is acting as though they deserve something. Rather, I would ask the question, why does it bother us so much in society when someone is unjustly using the welfare system?  I would submit that our consciences tell us that such assistance is for those who really are in need, like the elderly, the disabled, and those who have hit a tough spot.  It is not fair for people to use something not intended for them, just as it would not be fair for someone to take personal belongings of ours, since they did not buy them.  We did.  Let's dig into the relevance of this a bit, then.  While we, whether LGBT and Mormon or not, complain about those committing such atrocities, we ourselves are doing the exact same thing.  Each day, in our conversations, at work, on little trips to the store, or elsewhere, this attitude somehow sneaks into our personal living.

I imagine that some people have become indignant or skeptical at this point, perhaps both.  Huffing in irritation, such readers are probably thinking, "Well, he's got this all wrong.  I am a good person, I help and love people, do good at my job, and whatnot.  Who does he think he is?"  Shamelessly, I confess that it does not make sense to anyone who has read thus far.  I catch myself in this mindset quite frequently, sometimes every day, if only for a few moments or so.  Recently, it took over my life for a few weeks and wreaked havoc on my social relationships.  This attitude, which destroys relationships if left unchecked and causes all kinds of grief in our lives, is that of entitlement.  More specifically to us, it is the attitude of entitlement towards love, given and received.  What examples could I possibly give, then?  Here are a few that I've thought up:

- Your mother telling you she's entitled to your time, and/or to give you advice, since she raised you and provided for you growing up.
- Expecting a friend to do __  because you did __  recently for him or her.
- Thinking that someone "should" be friends with you, because you did this or act like that.
-  Believing that pure love can equal others reciprocating that love in some way or another.



And the list goes on...  Insert whatever expectation, "should-y" attitude, preconception of love, and so on that you hold in that list, and there you'll find exactly what is causing the pain in your social relationships. Many of my readers may not pursue gay relationships, but I'm sure some out there do. Orientation in relationships does not matter in terms of having things go smoothly.  What really matters is how love is being given and received, of any kind... affection, friendship, or romance.  Christ once declared, "do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be children of the Highest:  for he is kind to the unthankful and to the evil." (Luke 6:35)  Nobody is entitled to or deserving of love.  We all are worthy of it, for sure, because we all are children of our Heavenly Father.  However, there is only one thing that each of us truly "deserve", in any sense, and that is the justice of God.  It is only through the intervention of the Atonement of Jesus Christ that we have hope of returning to our Heavenly Father again.  If we all got what we deserve, we would go straight to hell after we died.  As Nephi once said, to paraphrase, were it not for the mercy and grace of God, we would become like unto Satan, to be angels to him forever (see 2nd Nephi 9:8-10).

To promote healthy friendships that some SSA men and women utilize to manage their attractions, and to ensure healthy relationships of any kind, let us love unconditionally.  For those trying to live the gospel, what better tool could you have in your hands for intimate friendship, than to give love unconditionally until people can't help but feel loved by and close to you?  I can't think of any.  To everyone, let's not think either that we are entitled to the love of others in any way, or that we are justified in placing expectations (not to be confused with moral standards) on others before or during a friendship/relationship.  I once read a quote that said, "Give love without any expectation of receiving it again, and your life will never be the same".  I personally can attest to the truth of this statement, because the more I live my life with that sort of love, the better my social experience is.  I think it is hard to live by that small phrase, "charity seeketh not her own", but when love is given freely for the joy of it, others sense that and relationships flourish marvelously.  What each of us deserves is justice and subsequently, hell.  By practicing this principle, however, we can create heaven here and more fully ensure our inheritance of eternal life after this life ends.

Love you guys! Until next time...

Cinderella's Mistake

In the beautiful movie Cinderella which recently came out, most people adore this simple quote at the beginning from the mother, which says, "I want to tell you a secret - something that will see you through all the trials life has to offer.  Have courage, and be kind."  At first, I too was enamored by this quote, bedazzled by its "wisdom" and goodness.  My brother pointed out how shallow the movie supposedly was, with one person falling in love with another over physical appearance.  Because I loved the movie, I simply brushed it off, and continued to enjoy the lessons I thought I had learned from the plot.  At the same time, though, I couldn't help but start wondering in the back of my mind if my brother was right.  Furthermore, I soon thereafter finished a profound book by C.S. Lewis called, "The Problem of Pain", which discusses the nature of kindness.  One quote stuck out to me in particular, which declares:

"There is kindness in Love: but Love and kindness are not coterminous, and when kindness... is separated from the other elements of Love, it involves a certain fundamental indifference to its object, and even something like contempt of it.  Kindness consents very readily to the removal of its object — we have all met people whose kindness to animals is constantly leading them to kill animals lest they should suffer.  Kindness, merely as such, cares not whether its object becomes good or bad, provided only that it escapes suffering.  As Scripture points out, it is bastards who are spoiled: the legitimate sons, who are to carry on the family tradition, are punished [Hebrews 12:8].  It is for people whom we care nothing about that we demand happiness on any terms: with our friends, our lovers, our children, we are exacting and would rather see them suffer much than be happy in contemptible and estranging modes.  If God is Love, He is, by definition, something more than mere kindness.  And it appears, from all the records, that though He has often rebuked us and condemned us, He has never regarded us with contempt.  He has paid us the intolerable compliment of loving us, in the deepest, most tragic, most inexorable sense."

Due to the blunt, down-to-earth nature of this quote, I couldn't get it out of my head - especially its relevance to SSA, which I'll weave in at the end.  Over and over again, I pondered about it as it applied to nearly every facet of my life. A few points from this have really hit home for me, aside from all the eloquence and fluff. First, C.S. Lewis states that Love - emphasizing its importance and superseding nature by capitalization - is not coterminous with kindness. The word coterminous doesn't mean synonymous, exactly. It means "having the same extent of scope or duration", which I take to mean "of the same depth and extent of meaning" in this context. It's similar to the word synonymous, but with greater profundity. In other words, this implies that not only do Love and kindness not mean the same thing, but also that Love is deeper and richer than kindness alone is. I've realized this truth. Jesus Christ wasn't just "nice" to people, as we so often hear as the maxim for living today. He put Himself out there, served people, made sacrifices, and showed love in individualized ways according to how people felt love.

Second, when separated from other elements of Love (i.e., what Paul preached about in 1st Corinthians 13 and Mormon in Moroni 7), kindness involves a certain fundamental indifference to its object, and even something like contempt of it. Essentially, C.S. Lewis is speaking of people who are nice to others, but don't really show love to everyone. They love the people who are convenient to love, easy to love, or fun to love, but everyone else gets the regular dose of kindness. Sound familiar? Examples might include the small-talk conversation in church, politeness you give to that certain person you secretly dislike, or the things you do to avoid someone who is (characteristic you don't like/hate).  It's a very convenient way of telling oneself that you're keeping your baptismal covenant and living by your conscience, while really offering a shallow imitation of love. Notably though, our covenants say nothing of kindness; they only speak of love.

Interestingly enough, charity will teach you genuine kindness, since that's one of the many qualities it embodies. However, you cannot become loving by simply being kind. C.S. Lewis also mentions this virtue-detached kindness results in something like contempt for its object, or, who you're showing kindness to in other words. I think what he is speaking of is that grudging, inward groaning feeling you get when you say to yourself, "Oh no, I have to be nice to this person again?" But you think you're covenant-keeping, so you say, "Well, it's what Christ would do..." or something like that, and so you do it. I'm not speaking directly to anyone, by the way.  This is a universal statement applicable to me and everyone else.  What I'm getting at is that Satan is teaching the world to imitate love through kindness, since he is very good at imitations and he understands you can't become loving by the medium of virtue-detached kindness. The recent movie, "Cinderella", comes to mind, even though it's just one example among many.  She made a colossal mistake in making kindness as her god of virtues, because in the end, her kindness ran out and only the fairy-tale prince saved her from dire circumstances. 

Third, and finally, the last one is that kindness consents readily to the removal of its object. After a time of showing virtue-detached kindness, something like contempt sets in, you grow weary of well-doing, and sometimes you'll start finding fault with the individual you're showing kindness to. I've experienced this before, not so much recently, but still, I've experienced it. Kindness when given as a stand-alone virtue, or even a virtue given with few other virtues, still is weak and cannot fulfill the covenant duties given to us by the Savior. If kindness is so important in practice by itself, as the world preaches, then why do the scriptures not mention it very frequently? In all the standard works, if you were to take the statistics of how many times the words "kind", "kindness", and so forth were written and spoken, versus how many times the words, "love", "charity", and such were written and spoken, what do you think the numbers would look like? I can probably name for us exactly where words related to kindness show up in the scriptures, and I'm sure it's less than 10. On the other hand, I cannot number in my head how many times the words "love" and "charity" together have shown up in the word of God. Something about that speaks to me, especially since the scriptures are truth and God Himself speaking to us.  Love is emphasized more than kindness even in other religions as well.  What does that tell us, I wonder?

Regarding SSA and its application here, we frequently interact with other people also experiencing SSA and/or gender dysphoria.  I think what we should ask ourselves is, what standards are we measuring people by, and are they really influenced by the pure love of Christ?  Standards for friends, if they originate from the love of God, do not have the same qualities as expectations.  What's the difference?  Standards are morally based, but expectations are personally based.  Example:  You have a standard you hold your friends to regarding chastity and personal space, i.e., no cuddling alone together due to sexual temptation it creates.  Your friend decides to persuade you to cuddle alone together, and starts to make advances.  You put your foot down, and say no.  That's enforcing a standard, which stems from love.  However, saying your friend should look a certain way, act according to some stereotype, or do something because it serves you personally are not examples of moral standards.  You can sometimes persuade friends to do those things or similar actions, but it won't be through the medium of love.  It'll be through the medium of kindness, such as by telling someone they'd look great if they did _ , or saying someone would be more well-liked if they acted like _ .  Friends acting consistently in kindness will usually give off a sense of indifference about the "connection" you have, if any, they pass kindness off as love because it's somehow "helping" people (making others more popular, beautiful, charismatic, etc), and if you don't want their friendship anymore, they usually don't care much.  If you've seen the musical, "Wicked", think of Glinda.  She's a perfect example of this type of friend.  It also cannot be overstated that some people mix love in after they've made kindness their focus.  Usually these friends can be described as that toxic friend who you're not sure about whether to get rid of or not.  It's confusing to experience love after kindness, because the order is getting mixed up!

This leads perfectly into my final point, which is that if we want to interact positively with people in the SSA community, we must leave expectations out, and only include moral standards.  If you read Paul's discourse on charity, you'll find that kindness is part of love, which is why C.S. Lewis states that there is kindness in love.  Essentially, focus on loving people according to moral standards,  and kindness will flow naturally out of that.  All the drama, judging, unforgiveness, shallowness, etc that exists in the SSA community would vanish if we could learn to love people the way Christ taught, instead of "being nice" to people the way the world currently teaches.  If you look, whether it's in movies like Cinderella or musicals like Wicked or just in general society, the message that Satan wants everybody to believe is that kindness alone can satisfy God, while validating and connecting to the human spirit.  I'm reminded of a quote by a Christian scholar, who once said, "God is easy to please, but hard to satisfy".  It is my belief that when kindness is emphasized as a stand-alone virtue, another insight of C.S. Lewis is fulfilled when he said, "Any virtue, made into a god, becomes demonized and detrimental."  On the outside, things look glittery and beautiful, especially because kind people tend to be more popular than ordinary people.  The honest question though is if they are really well-loved, because there's a difference between being popular and well-loved.  Jesus most likely emphasized love throughout the scriptures and our covenants as Latter-Day Saints not simply for the sake of obedience.  He knew that we connect to and cherish each other when we love, and partially maintain that beautiful relationship when we are kind.

So, don't make the same mistake as Cinderella.  Have courage, and be loving.  That will see you through all the trials life has to offer.   Love you guys!  Until next time...

Are YOU Exploring?

Growing up as a teenager, you think you're awesome, so you act that way in any way possible and sometimes adopt an attitude of arrogance.  To say that of myself is, at the very least, a gross understatement.  People used to hate me in high school, because I had taken on more than arrogance or an I-don't-care mindset.  Rather, I had taken on an "I'm better than you and I know it" viewpoint.  Naturally, this pissed people off and drove them away,and it caused a rather profound lack of friendship in my teenage years.  Oftentimes, I still have to kick away that attitude, simply because it is so much easier to be arrogant than it is to be humble.  In pushing that away, I've discovered something valuable - striving for humility in life often leads to better relationships with everyone, especially the Savior.  Other people can share their views without fear of criticism or hostile disagreement, and Christ can teach me wisdom with less resistance and an absence of rebelliousness.  One particular facet of this really hits close to home with same-sex attraction, however. 

It's commonplace for people first realizing they experience SSA to bury it, pretend it doesn't exist, undergo shame, and the like.  These all hold a common theme of keeping it in the dark where nobody can see.  Thus, being "in the closet" actually describes this initial stage quite well.  It could even be said that those of us who struggle later with it after being "out" that we are wrestling in a temporary closet of our own personal demons.  Naturally though, we concern ourselves primarily with keeping that door closed and locked, so that even those who know of our struggle don't view the supposedly darker, uglier aspects of our battles.  Although there are several reasons why individuals like myself have done this, I think it more productive to discuss what can be done to resolve that conflict in the closet. 

Let me introduce that with a story.  Recently, I decided that my apartment looked horrendous and needed a really deep cleaning.  I proceeded to clean my bathroom, and hesitated at my closet.  You see, my closet was so messy I could barely even open the door, and it took considerable effort to even force it open.  Plus, it had all these smaller sorts of objects, and lots of papers I hadn't gone through, like, ever.  I thought to myself, "Well, I could just leave it, since I'm not really using it anyway, or I could clean it up and have some peace of mind, plus a space to use."  With that thought, I rolled up my sleeves, got some garbage bags, and cleaned for a few hours.  In my cleaning/exploration of my closet, I discovered things I'd forgotten about, and even some things I sorely needed for practical purposes.  I made some piles, and much of what I found in there went in the garbage straight off.  Other things, I was undecided about and so I left them there to re-consider at some future point.  By the time I completed my monumental task, my closet looked rather organized, and I was pleased with myself quite a lot.  However, it had created somewhat of a mess outside in my room, which was fine.  I organized all that into a garbage box, and resolved it that way.  Thus, my closet was clean and I felt happier because I'd taken the time and effort required to make it so. 

Similarly, each of us who identifies as gay or same-sex attracted arrives at a point where we know that we gotta look inside our closet and tidy things up.  There's piles of emotion, stacks of thoughts, and small little objects of our questions, desires, concerns with religious/spiritual beliefs, flagrant shame, and worry over people finding out.  All of these are legitimate issues, and all of them create conflict inside of us.  Our first instinct is to run away from the mess inside our hearts and minds, to pretend as though everything is fine or something like that.  But it sits there, maybe growing, maybe not, ever gnawing at our psyche and creating a deep craving for self-acceptance and peace.  For one reason or another, though, we squash it down and push it away.  We smile and say that our closet is neat and clean, as though some phantom Martha Stewart waltzed in and tidied it up ever so nicely while we weren't looking.  But what's the real truth?  It hurts and causes misery.  Outwardly, I used to smile and wave as though my closet were a decorated accessory on a parade float.  I'd figuratively and literally say in some form, "See?  It's just an ordinary closet, and it just means I've got some unique 'me' stuff in there.  No need to look in; I've got this."  Inwardly, though, I was freaking out, asking myself if this was some weird form of brotherly love, or if I was actually gay.  I would scold myself and tell myself that I wasn't gay, and even if I was, I had to keep it a secret.  Eventually it got so complicated to where I acknowledged it deep down, but ignored it in my conscious mind.  It became the elephant in my closet, which I refused point-blank to say was there.  And it did hurt.  It hurt like hell, because I knew deep down I wasn't being my full, authentic self.  Truth, without validation, became misery. 

Then, one day, I decided that I would throw open the doors of my closet (in private, mind you) and explore.  This time it still hurt, but it was a good kind of hurt...the sort of hurt you have when someone gives you a nice, deep massage that's just the right amount of pressure.  It releases the inflammation and tension that is causing you pain, and so it was with this.  I placed just the right amount of pressure on myself psychologically to where I was going inside my gay closet and looking around at everything.  My then-dysfunctional relationship with my father, all the bullying in my childhood, struggles with mental illness, struggles with being gay while refusing to acknowledge it, conflicts and oppositions created once I started being real about my homosexuality, and all that went under examination.  And I'll tell you, over the course of a month or so, it caused me healthy, productive pain that I wouldn't trade for anything.  I was giving truth a voice for once, and finally its spoken word could illuminate my fallacies and foolishness.  Healing in all those areas was either completed or initiated, and I started to find balance in my sexuality and with other areas, like my mental health.  Eventually, examining everything empowered me to place it neatly on the shelves of my now ever-widening door to my closet.  It culminated in me coming out to everyone on Facebook two years ago, on June 10th, 2013.  And as an added bonus, I arrived at a place where attractive men, whether physically, emotionally, or both, didn't faze me.  I could acknowledge my attraction and/or infatuation with such men, but it no longer controlled me or my actions.  Not to say I was perfect, but I could finally be at peace with this important piece of myself. 

To conclude, it's very tempting to just suppress same-sex attraction and ignore all the inner conflict it's creating.  Sometimes, it can be highly appealing to put on the masquerade of flawless socialization, as though your problems with this don't exist or aren't all that bad.  I can testify though that our Savior Jesus Christ would never deny anything about Himself, and He never did.  Christ opened Himself up to Heavenly Father, and did what was asked of Him.  Christ was real with Himself, and with others, especially at the darkest hour of His life, in the garden of Gethsemane.  He showed the Father an unequivocal willingness to do what had to be done, but seeing that bitter cup of awful, incomprehensible anguish surely must've caused His heart to ask if there was a different path to take.  This is just like what I went through when I approached my closet of homosexuality.  I knew what had to be done - the exploration of myself for the greater good - but I did not want to open that door.  But I take courage and comfort from the example of Christ, who experienced a similar feeling when He saw the burden of Gethsemane before Him.  And yet, I also testify that we, like Christ, will have an angel or a legion of angels appearing from heaven, strengthening us.  God will hold you and take your hand as you stretch it forth to open that closet door.  At that point then, the question is, are you exploring or are you just looking when you open that door?  Explore.  You'll find what you're looking for, and then some.   Until next time...

Righteous Judgment and SSA

For those of you who've read my blog for the past long while, you've realized how blunt and bold I tend to be with my speech.  Today is no exception, however, I wish to communicate in a more sensitive way, since people who likely don't agree at all will be reading as well.  Without delving into the drama of the Supreme Court decision to legalize same-sex marriage throughout the U.S., I simply wish to expound upon something that has been bothering me about people's response to it. 

Initially, my reaction was shock, disappointment, and emotional conflict about the decision.  I thought to myself, "Surely this was coming, but I didn't expect it this soon!  Why now, when I'm not in a good place with my same-sex attraction as it is?!"  You see, lately I'd been conflicted to a great degree about getting a boyfriend, potentially marrying and settling down with a man, and so forth.  For some reason, it felt right and greatly appealed to me.  I was sick of going to male friends for support, encouragement, and emotional fulfillment.  This way, I thought, would be an easy way to get all my needs met at a "small" sacrifice of not doing precisely what my Heavenly Father would have me do.  To make matters even worse, beyond being tempted emotionally with my attractions, Satan was strongly tempting me sexually and trying to convince me it was what I wanted.  To say the least, my emotions were running wild and free, without me being able to restrain and channel them as I'd successfully done in the past.  Then, along came an announcement on Facebook saying the Supreme Court had decided to legalize same-sex marriage, making my already overwhelming situation completely suffocating now.  Here was my chance - the perfect opportunity to meet anyone from anywhere, date, get in a relationship, and then get married at some point.  I was about ready to go outside somewhere and scream. 

The final, absolutely horrific cherry on top of all the concocted, appetizing temptation was the reaction of others on Facebook.  It seemed like overnight, half of Facebook's profiles were covered in rainbows, and the other half were talking about rainbow-related stuff!!!  And the variety of reactions exploded.  Some were conflicted, others were celebrating like crazy, and still others were okay with it.  That did not bug me as much, though admittedly after about 24 hours of it I got emotionally drained by constantly being reminded of my present struggle.  What really riled me up were the LDS and non-LDS people preaching a bunch of things that not just the LDS religion, but general Christianity doesn't believe in.  Things like, "These gay people are going to hell if they don't repent", or "Being gay (attracted to the same sex) is a sin!", or "Just look at how evil these people are!", and other really, really harsh and judgmental statements.  In the defense of non-LDS people, I think there's some room for us to excuse that.  By LDS belief, which is my belief, such individuals do not have the fullness of the gospel and so they do not fully understand principles behind judging others.  Plus, they do not have the gift of the Holy Spirit, just the light of Christ.  Again, this is religious belief, so I do hope I offend no one by saying these things.  Anyway, I can handle non-LDS people saying all that, to a point that is reasonable. 



For LDS people, though, I want to briefly share something from a talk by Elder Oaks called, "Judge Not and Judging", simply to illustrate how many of the statements made on any social media websites are wrong and fully prohibited by these principles.  Here they are:

1.  First, a righteous judgment must, by definition, be intermediate. It will refrain from declaring that a person has been assured of exaltation or from dismissing a person as being irrevocably bound for hellfire. It will refrain from declaring that a person has forfeited all opportunity for exaltation or even all opportunity for a useful role in the work of the Lord.

2.  Second, a righteous judgment will be guided by the Spirit of the Lord, not by anger, revenge, jealousy, or self-interest.

3.  Third, to be righteous, an intermediate judgment must be within our stewardship. We should not presume to exercise and act upon judgments that are outside our personal responsibilities.

4.  Fourth, we should, if possible, refrain from judging until we have adequate knowledge of the facts.

5.  A fifth principle of a righteous intermediate judgment is that whenever possible we will refrain from judging people and only judge situations. This is essential whenever we attempt to act upon different standards than others with whom we must associate—at home, at work, or in the community. We can set and act upon high standards for ourselves or our homes without condemning those who do otherwise.

6.  Sixth, forgiveness is a companion principle to the commandment that in final judgments we judge not and in intermediate judgments we judge righteously.

7.  Seventh, a final ingredient or principle of a righteous judgment is that it will apply righteous standards. If we apply unrighteous standards, our judgment will be unrighteous. By falling short of righteous standards, we place ourselves in jeopardy of being judged by incorrect or unrighteous standards ourselves.

As a companion statement to this, Elder Oaks also stated, "Our doctrines obviously condemn those who engage in so-called “gay bashing”—physical or verbal attacks on persons thought to be involved in homosexual or lesbian behavior." (Same-Gender Attraction, October 1995 Ensign)

Therefore, I am urging members of the LDS Church to engage in righteous judgment and love people.  This is a test of our faith and ability to show charity by the Spirit of God.  It may hurt when others, especially those we love, engage in an openly gay lifestyle.  I understand that, because I've been there and honestly am still there.  However, we must remember the example of our perfect Savior, Jesus Christ.  I simply cannot see our Lord attacking the LGBT community in any shape or form.  I can see Him reproving people for unrighteous behavior, but only because that is His right to do so as the son of God.  That being said, I can picture Jesus personally talking face-to-face with such individuals, having personal and friendly conversations.  I can see Jesus embracing such people and telling them of His deep, eternal love for them as His children.   And why?  Because that is what gay people are- children of our Heavenly Father who chose to follow His plan in the premortal existence.  They are here just as we are, and the least we can do is show the same love that our Savior would, so that by this men shall we know we are His disciples (John 13:34-35).  Brothers and sisters, is there enough evidence to convict us of being Christian, to show we are followers of Christ?  I hope there will be, especially in places where the whole world can see.  I have confidence we will show everyone who we are.  Love you guys!

The Godliness of Doubt

Although the scriptures repeatedly emphasize the need for faith, many of us are failing miserably.  One minute, people see us joyfully professing our love for Christ, and the next, frantically questioning our core beliefs & affirmations about Him.  Oftentimes, individuals in the Church will reassure others of God's existence, His word, and so on, while inwardly, they are wondering just how much truth is to those things.  Still others declare the importance of obedience to chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and so on - and then these same people, behind closed doors, struggle with sins of immorality, pornography addiction, drug abuse, alcoholism, and so forth.  But amid the reality of all this, I must ask you a rather blunt question:

How much does all this concern God, really?

I mean, seriously - stop and think about it for just a moment.  It would seem to me that God really concerns Himself with where His children are going, not where they currently are.  Consider it for a minute.  Is God in the business of changing people's pasts, or transforming who they are in the present to alter where they'll end up?  If you contend that God is all about the past - changing our pasts, erasing our previous sins, etc. - then it would make sense that God cares about where we've been with so-called "hypocrisy" and personal doubts.  From a logical & doctrinal standpoint, however, it most resounds with me to state that God is concerned most with where we're headed.  Why?  Because as He empowers us in the now, we are better prepared to handle what is yet to come.  You and I are not beings who exist in the past.  We exist in the present.

This is why we typically view grace as a power that carries us from moment to moment.  We also interpret is as a power which erases our past by changing our present, and, subsequently, our future.  It is like a giant rock which God purposefully drops into the moss-covered, dirty waters of our lives, generating enormous waves that clear up all that gross covering and murky unpleasantness.  The rock of His grace collides with our oceanic existence, and a sort of "accentuated ripple effect" spreads rapidly over everything, changing the nature of it all. 

Now, what's the point of bringing all this up?  It is to illustrate what timeframe of life bears the greatest significance.  A Saint who doubts, and yet keeps moving forward, shows how much weight the future holds.  For, in truth, doubts, disputations, sins, weaknesses, addictions, etc. all are but a transient blip on the radar of life.  Some last longer than others, but time holds some sort of cure to every doubt, even if it's not deliverance from it.  Some ignorant people, though, naively suppose that the doubts concerning religion and God (or other things, for that matter) pass with time.  Insofar as I am aware, however, such doubts only tend to dissipate for precious few reasons.  Primarily, they are:

1. The burden of proof exceeds the reason for doubt.
2. Conflicts that engendered said doubts simply resolve themselves by happenstance.
3. The individual doubting subscribes to a different set of beliefs and/or philosophies that no longer created a need for said doubt.

It is likely, though, that either none of those is happening but you wish it would, or it is and you wish it wouldn't be.  Whatever the case, doubt bothers you in some form.  So you're reading this.  I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you may be stuck with chronic doubting for a lifetime.  But what is truly curious is that although you doubt, you cannot un-believe all that you doubt.  You question, disbelieve, wonder, get mad at God, and despair, even,  but never can you bring yourself to place it out of the questioning space you hold it in.  And that is something you've got to find out the reason for.  Why?  Because therein lies the key to your faith, to your fight for staying in some kind of hopeful, spiritual state.  Though it produces an imperfect, shaky, desperately inconvenient sort of faith, still it is something, you tell yourself.  Let's be honest, though - you wish the truth or falsehood would just announce itself.  You yearn for that shouting proclamation, like a spouse arriving home from work, of "I'm here!!!" to the home of your human heart.



Let me tell you some of the reasons, despite the absence of such a thunderbolt of knowledge, as to why I keep going when I face grueling doubts.  My primary reason is because a feeling deeper than my actual heart has pierced my soul multiple times when in church, nature, family events, activities with friends, and on other spiritual occasions.  It is a God-presence that transcends the boundaries of human emotion and logical explanation, resounding with what many call "the soul".  Such a "deeper" feeling has come even when logic ought to dictate otherwise, indeed, a feeling that is the exact opposite of what I should be feeling by normal standards.  For example, in facing financial disaster, I've felt total calm and peace.  Call that optimism or self-assurance if you will, but dark conflicts still plague the minds of even the most optimistic and self-assured of people, if there is sufficient cause for it.  So where is God in all of this, then?

If I profess to know the God of the holy scriptures, then I must conclude that He is a merciful, perfectly truthful, and all-loving divine being.  That being said, if God weren't real or if He didn't want me, or whatever doubt I am entertaining in my head - then why am I clinging to a belief that hardly, if at all, serves me?  Why hold to some inconvenient, fanciful notion that causes more pain than personal fulfillment and gratification?  It would appear that, beyond the veil of present suffering, something higher than myself clings to God's truth.  But, in the midst of all the anguish, why?  Why hold so fiercely onto a burning coal?  Maybe, pondering this, it's because I'm trying to start a fire of faith, one that can give me warmth in an otherwise cold world.  Perhaps, with that fire of my passionate, desperately flawed faith, this world is a little brighter and less harsh upon the human spirit.  After all, if God is real, at least He's a constant in this damn confusing, lost, and delusion world of darkness.  With the price of pain that I hold onto in my hand, that burning coal I spoke of, I can hope for something more.  Maybe I don't know what precisely that "something more" is, or even it exists to begin with.  So, what my point?  With God, I can hope again amid my doubtful darkness.  Without Him, I sink into that horrific blackness I so fear and dread to become acquainted with.

Maybe, just maybe this is a generic explanation of your personal reason (s) for clinging to such an inconvenient pain in the ass.  Though God might feel like a bruise or a hemorrhoid you have to sit on, at least your doubt reminds you that, being representative of "sitting down", you can always count on a constant reminder of why life can suck.  You "sit down", or doubt, in life because you have to, not because you want to or because it's somehow pleasant to, watching the other runners in God's test race on by, telling you that there is a finish line ahead.  And you know, I'd rather God remind me of why I need Him by being a pain in the ass than sit down comfortably in a stupor to forget why I'm even here on earth in the first place.

Doubt is godly because God is in it.  Though a hundred questions may rack your soul to no end, at least you're asking to begin with!  You doubt because your spirit cannot relinquish hope, and because you cannot bear the thought of sinking into the darkness of atheistic confusion, or something similar to it.  Or, you cannot handle the hopeless state of not knowing who you are, where you came from, and where you're going in life.  No, you're a child of God who wants to believe but cannot always conjure up that "deeper reason" for believing.  But that is OK.  God didn't say in His word, "...having a perfect brightness of faith."  Nope.  He said, "...having a perfect brightness of hope."  If you can but use that brightness of hope to light your way, I know with all my heart that you'll have enough light to find your way.  And that's enough, for Him.

Outside of the Self

Not too long ago, I suffered a massively disabling trial in my life, changing everything forever.  Although most of us can generally say that we've had a difficult time adjusting to life around us at times, usually we can go on with our lives without too much interference or intervention.  Naturally, some people will struggle with difficult circumstances, mental illness, and so forth, but for the emotionally and mentally well individual, the debilitating situation usually will pass.  In this case, that did not happen.  In late August of last year, as you may know, I experienced a horrible nervous breakdown due to overworking myself and not properly taking care of my mental health.  As a result, I actually landed myself in the adult psychiatric unit.  Believe me, it is not the best situation to find oneself in.  Now of course they did not treat me inhumanely or anything; in fact, I actually rather enjoyed the company of both the staff and the patients.  Mostly, on my part I suffered there because it was boring as hell and I craved my freedom to do as I pleased. But anyway, how does such a story relate to SSA?  Let me explain. 

As a result of this horrible situation, I immediately requested a full term of my short-term disability benefit through The Home Depot, which lasted for 6 months.  This resulted in my wages being sliced in half, which subsequently caused me to apply for state benefits through the Department of Workforce Services.  I am not ashamed to admit this, because we all require assistance of some kind throughout our lives, and I wasn't about to refuse that because of my pride.  In addition, I also started attending therapy sessions, to take care of my emotional issues I was having.  For the next couple of months, I could physically feel the stress draining out of my body, like some toxic substance or energy my body was getting rid of.

Sometimes, I think people with SSA can push themselves to their mental, emotional, and even spiritual limits with their attractions.  They allow themselves to become obsessed with questions, like "Why am I gay?", or "How can I live the gospel when I'm 'this way'?", or "Does God still care, after I've been through so much?".  Still other questions can plague the individual who experiences SSA.  And although I wholeheartedly agree that resolving these questions can lead to greater peace, answering them is not the answer for self-acceptance.  Such a gift is one we give to ourselves, from within, by focusing on our true identity as sons and daughters of God.  The best path to peace, I've found, is drawing close to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and allowing Him inside our hearts so He can pour out His Spirit, grace, and love upon us.  Though I feel it natural and normal to go through a phase of endlessly asking questions, I think it unwise to linger there.  Look to solutions and gospel-centered answers, and then you can find peace, is my opinion. 

Other times, individuals with SSA will view acting out as the only source for relief.  But, will that truly relieve the inner conflict and pain?  Yes, it may temporarily, but it will always return until you dig to the root of the problem.  What's your root?  Maybe it's your relationship with your father or other family member, or perhaps traumatic experiences from your childhood.  Or, it might just be the result of indulgences in curiosities towards same-sex pornography and masturbation.  It could be a way to fill some kind of hole in your life, to numb the suffering you are feeling so deeply in your heart.  Whatever the reason, I promise you from firsthand experience that sinning never alleviates pain.  In fact - and Satan knows this full well - it will assuredly magnify your pain tenfold.  As Alma simply said, "Wickedness never was happiness."  I have tried to find happiness in committing ongoing sin.  But pleasure can never satisfy, it can only temporarily tickle and shake up the senses, only to dig a deeper pit of craving for more.  You cannot entertain lust without inviting its companions.  It's impossible.

I've also seen individuals who wander from the path of righteousness (myself included) because Satan is SO good at nagging us all with diabolically false whisperings like, "You can't handle this... you've got to try something and experiment.", or "This is just how you are.  Give in."  Would we not do well to remember that such lies are born of desperation from the one who seeks our eternal misery, for his twisted, sick satisfaction and company in his personal misery?  We know that Satan seeks for everyone to be just as miserable as he is, but why give him that satisfaction in knowing he's trapped us?   I personally may not know everything in the gospel, or understand it, or even agree with it, but I do know my Savior lives.  I do know my Savior loves me and knows me personally.  And I do know He wants me to take hold of His grace daily, to take up my personal, tailor-made cross, and to follow Him.  Sometimes those paths are so painful... I know.  They are covered in broken glass and thorns sometimes, it feels like.  I testify, though, that as I have followed my Savior, the pain and suffering I've experienced weighs on my heart like a feather compared to the bondage of sin and addiction. 

Just because the Savior said His yoke is easy and His burden is light doesn't mean His way is the easy way, nor the one we can always just understand like magic.  Some of the Saints will not understand many of the paths we're meant to take, and others may suffer with the crucible of doubt.  Others may not understand that trials are probably the greatest expression of our Father's love for us, because of their power to refine and exalt us beyond measure.  However, every single one of us, regardless of our trials of faith, can press forward with a willing mind, though it may doubt, fear, struggle to see clearly, or whatever else.  When we can rise above ourselves, and look outside ourselves, what we'll find is that our Savior is watching over us, anxious to bless us for every good deed we perform.  God is not a vindictive being who wishes to punish and/or condemn at the slightest sign of disobedience, nor is He one who just gives us pain without revealing a path to make it through.  If you're hurting and struggling in your journey with same-sex attraction, turn to your Redeemer, and I promise He'll embrace you with love. 

This path is not one we walk alone, nor is it one that Jesus cannot understand.  I've been through SO many trials in my lifetime, and I'm just 25.  And I can testify that when I slipped into a clinical depression for nearly 6 consecutive months, crying sometimes every day and even frequently wishing to die, my Savior was there.  Experiencing same-sex attraction as a Latter-Day Saint is no different, at all.  You may well feel overshadowed by a cloud of darkness, confused and even unable to see your way through.  But Christ sees.  Christ knows.  You may bleed from the innermost chambers of your spiritual heart, this is true.  But Christ bled from every pore of His holy body, so that we don't have to bleed as much in our own pain and suffering.  You have never sunk so low in sin, doubt, emotional and mental anguish, or physical pain that our Savior has not condescended below it.  As He so tenderly said to the Prophet Joseph Smith, "The Son of Man hath descended below them all..."  I testify that you can remain faithful and find joy in living this gospel, because our Savior made that possible in the garden of Gethsemane and on the cross of Calvary.  He loves you SO much, more than you can possibly comprehend.  I testify this is true.  Until next time...love you guys!

Attention and Acceptance, Part 2

Now, continuing forward with how we give attention and acceptance to our SSA, I must emphasize that I do not believe that enjoying, celebrating, or being grateful for your sexual orientation is wrong. In fact, I fully support such attitudes and will discuss these and other mindsets towards SSA later. The only issue I have towards this subject is that some individuals take it further than is necessary or emotionally healthy, not to mention conducive to the Spirit.  Some members of the Church believe it okay to flaunt, constantly discuss, joke about, or otherwise make light of their sexual orientation.  Spiritual boundaries govern our behavior in regards to sexual orientation, however.  If you flaunt your sexual orientation by dressing fashionably, socializing more frequently with men than women, and declaring that you love your sexual preferences, that is fine.  I don't think God particularly cares whether or not we display confidence in our sexual orientation; in fact, I believe He encourages it.  For those struggling to find self-acceptance in their journey with SSA, I also believe it healthy and even essential to discuss their feelings.  People with mental illness, for instance, find it good for them to attend therapy and talk things out with a professional.  At the same time, though, someone like that -like me, for instance- only speaks about their difficulties when it becomes excessively burdensome or troubling to them.  Constantly spouting out one's problems doesn't alleviate the pain and suffering- quite the contrary.  When you center your mind on such negativity, it draws more negativity.  Whatever your mind thinks about, you will feel and eventually become.  "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he", according to Proverbs.  How, then, I may ask, can one afford to keep focusing on their issues when they desire to find a solution?  Push your energies towards solving problems, and you will find solutions.  When you're resolving an equation, you don't ask yourself which variables are not going to help.  You ask yourself which ones WILL help.

In my previous post, I mentioned that faithful members with SSA do two things with it. First, they define it within gospel standards, and second, they view it as part of themselves to be accepted in faith.  To begin with the first, what does it mean to define your sexual orientation within gospel standards?  One might more accurately say you define it within the truth of God's word.  Some things remain unknown about SSA, but there are a few things we most certainly do know.  President Kimball taught that it is not something we are born with, due to being created in God's image.  Elder Oaks taught that we should refrain from regarding it as a permanent condition, because doing so denies the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Elder Holland taught that because it is part of our mortal probation, it will fall off of us in the next life.  Elder Hales taught that those who do not get married at no fault of their own in this life will have that opportunity in the next.  And finally, multiple prophets and apostles, both modern and ancient, have taught that everything we suffer through in this life will be compensated for in the next life to those who endure faithfully to the end. Taking these principles, we can have hope and assurance that all will be well eventually, if we exercise faith in Jesus Christ.  Furthermore, such principles can strengthen us in walking uprightly before the Lord- keeping the law of chastity, refraining from same-sex dating and relationships, sustaining the prophets, and so forth.  Keeping the commandments may look different for various same-sex attracted members because of life circumstances, but the truth we live by will never vary.

Expounding on the second principle, viewing SSA as part of yourself versus most or all of yourself can prove challenging, but it is worth it in the end.  Personally, I see it as a potential challenge because SSA can seem all-consuming in your mind and heart.  It can influence a major part of your life, and thereby presents this overwhelming, powerful presence.  Because I believe God when He advocates mental and emotional balance in our lives, however, I refuse to believe that we must remain in such a state.  The more I affirm to myself that God is my Father, and Christ is my Elder Brother, the more my identity as a son of God solidifies in my mind, and the less my sexual orientation takes hold.  My journey led to peace when I started to do this...when I realized that my Savior saw me as so much more, and I began to accept His view in my heart.  I hardly think, brothers and sisters, if we were to hold a conversation with Christ, that He would only desire to talk about our SSA and its various components.  I do not doubt the subject would likely present itself in due course, but my heart tells me my Savior would express far greater interest in what my spirit had become versus what my sexual orientation had caused me to experience.  When we discuss our "meeting" with the Savior in the next life, we talk about Him questioning our intentions and actions, asking us if we loved His children and did our best to follow Him.  As I've said, most certainly the subject of SSA would spring up somewhere in that conversation.  But again, I definitely see most of the conversation being about how I chose to follow Him and thereby refined my spirit through His grace.  Brothers and sisters, our sexual orientation is a part of us.  You do not define a populace by a single person. Similarly, we do not define ourselves by one aspect.  We are far more than our sexual orientation. We are creations of God, filled with vitality, creativity, imagination, love, laughter, friendship, family ties, and more.  Do not sell yourselves short, my friends.  You are more than that.

As a final thought, I once read something in a book that intrigued me.  It said, "What holds your attention holds you."  For some individuals, giving all their attention to their SSA, meaning living the openly gay lifestyle, satisfies and fulfills them.  I do not judge such individuals, though I do believe they are missing out on far greater joy and fulfillment in Christ.  Referencing the saints, in stark contrast, I have often witnessed the needless suffering that results from excessive attention given to sexual orientation.  It may seem counterintuitive for some to set this on a figurative shelf, because they say to themselves, "How am I going to be at peace with this without talking it out?"  But that is not what I am saying.  Feel free to talk it out, but do not make it the subject of multiple conversations with your gay friends, your family, and goodness knows who else.  Find other things to talk about, and focus on self-affirmation towards your divine identity.  As you go through with this, you'll discover that the peace of God will enter your heart, because He will speak to your heart and let you know that it's okay to be yourself.  He appreciates and loves you precisely as you are, and the sooner you give room for God to express that by taking down your walls of pain, the sooner you'll find peace.   Give yourself this gift, and start today by placing your attention and acceptance towards the One who matters most- your Savior, Jesus Christ.  I love you guys, and wish you a wonderful day!  :)

Attention and Acceptance, Part 1 of 2

Thank you for continuing to follow my blog.  It's hard to believe that my readers have stayed with me for nearly two years.  Feels like just yesterday I sat down, my hands shaking, feeling prompted by the Spirit to start this blog and let others know they are not alone in their experience with same-sex attraction as Latter-Day Saints.  Today, I wish to discuss how I've personally come to terms with my SSA, and how this simple, yet powerful tool has blessed my life tremendously.  To some, it may seem as though I am asking people to dismiss, repress, or otherwise ignore their feelings.  However, that isn't the message I am striving to convey.  My message today is one of believing in personal willpower to use all the freedom available to you in your journey with same-sex attraction.  Although some feelings, tendencies, attractions, etc.  lie far beyond our control, I firmly believe that God has given us sufficient freedom - the power to carry out our agency - to experience SSA in a gospel-centered, peaceful way.

So, what is my tool I use?  Simple.  Whenever I experience same-sex attraction towards anyone, I acknowledge its existence, but I refuse to give it attention and energy.  That way, I am validating that I certainly do feel that way about someone.  Yes, that guy is probably hot, or most definitely I have a crush on that friend...but the question is, do I focus on that, or can I divert that emotional and/or sexual energy elsewhere?  Because to be quite frank, I don't believe that Heavenly Father created me to be at the mercy of my same-sex attraction.  I believe He understands that it is something I cannot help feeling, that is true.  However, I also believe He has given me power to change my perspective, actions, and feelings towards those attractions.  Some of you are probably thinking or saying, "So what?  How's that going to change anything?  It doesn't have any way of making this experience any easier, at all!"  I can most definitely empathize and sympathize with where you're at.  I used to feel exactly the same way.  I realize, however, in hindsight that this is because I used to direct exorbitant amounts of my attention and energy towards this attraction.  It became all-consuming to me, to the point of near obsession at times.  The question first, then, is not, "How can I change my perspective", but rather, "How can I change my desire for a new perspective?"



If you don't have a desire to do something, you likely will not try unless something creates a motivation.  Let's explore what motivation you may have for desiring self-acceptance in regards to your SSA.  Here are a few personal ones of mine that may apply to you:

1. The inner conflict of feeling shame, confusion, guilt, anxiety over marriage and family, and other negative emotions didn't create anything but misery for me.  I wanted that to end.

2.  My relationship with my Savior has suffered because I've given into certain addictions in the past, because I couldn't reconcile these feelings with my faith, thus creating a great deal of pain.

3.  Other relationships in my life suffered, most notably among my family and friends, whom I love dearly and only wish happiness and fulfillment for.  This also took away from my happiness.

4.  I struggled more with issues often associated with unresolved same-sex attraction, including unhealthy physical affection (i.e., excessive or forced), codependency, needy/clingy behavior, and so forth.  This drove potential friends away, which caused a great deal of unnecessary heartache.

And the list continues on and on...

Does any of this sound familiar?  If I'm not mistaken, a great portion of the SSA community in the Church struggles with these issues or other issues that make their life a HUGE struggle!  What's more, when the people in this group focus constantly on SSA as though it's some kind of fatal disease to be cured immediately, it creates issues.  Why?  Because when you frequently think about something, it starts to affect your feelings, behavior, and lifestyle.  That's the pattern that people follow in either finding peace or falling away from the Church.  It starts with thoughts of faith or fear, moves into feelings of desire for wisdom or pride directed towards God, followed by a pattern of behavior throughout their lives that reflects whichever path they've taken.  Every path doesn't look like that, but I would not feel ignorant to say that most, if not all paths are a reflection of it.  To be quite honest, the people whom I see struggling the most are those who make SSA who they are, versus something they experience.  They permit it to define them.  Every single person who apostatizes follows the path of allowing SSA to define themselves; every person who stays faithful defines their SSA within gospel standards, and views it as a part of themselves to be accepted in faith. More on this and other principles in my next post...love you guys!!!