A little over a year ago, I publicly announced on Facebook that I was gay and Mormon. At that time in my life, I was struggling to keep my covenants and therefore my conversion to Christ suffered as well. Some of the power Satan was exerting over me originated from the spiritual uncertainty and angst that I was experiencing over being gay and LDS at the same time. Although I would tell several friends and individuals that being gay and LDS is not a sin, and that there was no shame in it, I still experienced that shame. A sense of "being different" had settled on me like some kind of stubbornly persistent disease, and I couldn't shake it. As I moved forward, however, drinking in the love, grace, mercy, long-suffering, and hope from my Savior, Jesus Christ, my soul gradually filled with light and the dark lies of Satan faded out of my mind. I came to deeply comprehend with my heart what it truly means to be a son of God, and to enjoy an intimate, deep, and personalized relationship with Christ. He showed me that although my sexual orientation had influenced me to commit sin in the past, I had repented and changed, and therefore should not identify myself with the guilt and shame associated with that sin. Sometimes, I think all of us SSA members want to associate shame, guilt, etc. with our weaknesses and sins tied into our SSA, because that is what we remember feeling when we would make mistakes or transgress. I testify, however, that God desires for us to identify by our true selves, as His beloved sons and daughters. Truly nothing can separate us from His everlasting arms of love, as Paul testified in Romans 8. I love that concept, for it shows that we can throw off the chains of Satan's diabolical, whispered lies, and embrace the comforting whispers of the Spirit.
Through blogging here on Blogspot, I have learned many coping mechanisms, truths, and wonderful assets of having same-sex attraction. It is so good to know that I can use this as a gift to bless mankind, because I have a testimony of eternal truth and therefore can find ways to be happy. It saddens me how many individuals feel that they have to be true to some false, worldly teaching of who they are. If we are to look to the world to teach us who we are, perhaps we should look among the wisest and greatest of men- for they, of all people, knew that we are something higher than ourselves, because we were created by someone higher than ourselves. I sincerely am grateful to know that because I am a son of God, I can be true to that and keep myself sexually pure and worthy before the Lord. The world will mock, disapprove, jeer, laugh, and all the rest of it because of such a decision. But I believe, as do many others, that it is possible through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ-His Atonement- to be chaste before Him. There is more to life than sex, and fulfillment can be found in similar ways to romance. I am true to myself, because who I am is divine, just as everyone else.
Though I have learned and taught much through my blog, more importantly, I have been able to speak OUT. And what I mean by that is by coming OUT and reaching OUT, I have been able to bring people OUT of the shadows. Now, why do I put "out" in all caps? Because it emphasizes being out in the sunlight, with the warmth of gospel truth, love of friends and family, and the joy that only following Christ can give. It puts the weight on reaching with hands of love, drawing people out of the shadows of shame, guilt, low self-esteem, etc. and showing them that they can find love and have value in the Lord's eyes. And above all, it declares to every living soul who experiences same-sex attraction, whether LDS or not, that they are defined by their Creator and His love for them- not some lesser, base worldly standard of sex or sensuality. All people are of great worth to God and ought to be to us, because of who they are in God's eyes. He loves all His children without partiality and will always be there for all of them. It is my personal belief that because of this most important principle-that everyone is defined as a child of God-that individuals with same-sex attraction are here to teach us how to love more purely, deeply, and purposefully. Love is indeed the most powerful force in the universe, because any given force in the universe can only temporarily bond or rip apart two people or intelligent beings (such as animals). But love can forever do both, for time and all eternity.
Such love, what Latter-Day Saints call charity, is what motivated our Savior to suffer, bleed, die, and rise again for us. That same love can unify the Saints and people of the world as we all strive to understand what it means to truly love those who may seem to be different. In all reality, though, how different am I to be gay and Mormon? All things considered, I am not really different at all. For you see, everyone has something that makes them unusual. And focusing on sexual orientation would be no different than focusing on mental illness, physical disability, or something else that openly or discreetly makes someone different. Love sees past those differences, embracing the truth of God while loving the individual. And that love, combined with the Holy Spirit, has been what moved my heart more than once to stand before a congregation of Latter-Day Saint brothers and sisters, testifying of my experience with same-sex attraction and how I am living the gospel regardless of that experience. We are all called upon by God to live with something that may, at times, oppose our efforts to live in harmony with the teachings of Christ. But I decided long before I knew I was gay that I would follow the Savior, when I got baptized and could feel the Spirit and my Heavenly Father's love. I told myself that day that I wanted to always be clean, and to show the Lord how much I loved Him by doing as He asked as much as I possibly could. That is why I live the way I do, and that is why I have spoken out about that lifestyle of being faithful to my covenants while being gay and LDS.
It is my firm belief that all of us, whatever our "thing" is, that we should all strive to speak OUT about our experience. What is your story? For those of us with same-sex attraction, our story might be one of struggle, personal conflict, current personal peace, testimony, and so on. Such a personal witness will be an indescribably fortifying influence in the lives of friends and even complete strangers. I have personally experienced that as I have reached out to members and nonmembers alike, because generally speaking, we all want to live in accordance with high moral standards, if not the gospel itself. Others will share stories of abuse, mental illness, poverty, physical illness, and more. Those stories can and will strengthen others immensely, too. But just like the good news of the gospel, we need to share the good news of overcoming the darkness within, that shame, pain, guilt, despair, self-consciousness, and all the rest of that negative crap. Everyone, regardless of religious conviction, spiritual belief, or the absence of such, must surely feel the humane pull of compassion to reach out in love. As such, I would urge all of my readers to not keep silent but to speak OUT, because everyone can use extra hope and additional light from God. We are never to close to His eternal love and light. We can only ever become better and better off as we draw near unto His blessed presence. I love you all, and sincerely thank you for your support, love, compassion, patience, and all the rest of it in my life. Without you, I couldn't have possibly started this blog or do any of the other things that make up the character of who I am today. I am the man I am because of my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ, and the wonderful people like friends & family who they send to be their hands. God bless you all. Until next time...
6.15.2014
Heavenly Antidotes
Satan is a jerk. We are all aware of this. He fights unfairly, he is a coward, he kicks us when we're down, and tries to drag us down when we're feeling good. He truly is the ultimate "Debbie Downer", as some would say. In stark contrast, Christ is our best friend, our confidant, and our one and only constant in this life. He fights our battles for us, He is filled with perfect courage, He lifts us up and cheers us when we're down, and pushes us up higher into the clouds when we're already feeling on top of the world, or even just having a good time. That being said, each of these spiritual beings in our lives uses their own tools. Those tools, depending on our personal decisions, will influence us towards heaven's edification and purification, or paint our lives with the brushstroke of hell's depressive, staining mark. My aim today, in speaking towards individuals who experience SSA, identify as gay/lesbian/straight/bi/transgender, etc. is to show how we can all embrace the edifying influence of Christ to purge out the poisons of Satan.
Some years ago, when I still attended college, I read an excellent talk by Elder Kevin W. Pearson of the Seventy entitled, "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ". It spoke of six "destructive D's" that Satan uses to bring us down into misery, for "he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself" (2nd Nephi 2:27). As I studied the different primary tactics that Satan uses, I wanted to figure out some counterattacks so that I could apply them to my life in the future. What resulted from this venture to find that information has provided great blessings of comfort, strength, eternal perspective, faith, hope, and love in my darkest hours. Perhaps, in the subconscious recesses of my mind, it has been habit of turning to these principles that has rescued me during dark days of despair and depression concerning my own sins and weaknesses. In any case, I am grateful to have them, and to now share them with each of you. I won't elaborate on the destructive D's because we are all well aware of what such negativity feels like. It should be noted, however, that they are listed according to the progress of spiritual destruction. Without further ado, here they are:
1. Doubt
2. Discouragement
3. Distraction
4. Lack of diligence
5. Disobedience
6. Disbelief
I experienced similar emotions when I studied "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis at a later time in my life- a sense of righteous indignation towards Satan, frustration at any lack of knowledge of how to triumph over him, and sadness in knowing that so many were affected by such evil, diabolical trickery. However, not long after I read this talk, I somehow stumbled across the talk, "A Prophet's Prayer and Counsel for Youth", by President Hinckley. He called them the six B's, but I chose to dub them the six Building B's as an opposing name to the Destructive D's. Here they are, listed in order as well:
1. Be grateful
2. Be smart
3. Be clean
4. Be true
5. Be humble
6. Be prayerful
It is my firm testimony that these are heavenly antidotes to Satan's poisonous, destructive influences. If you "take an antidote" listed above when feeling one of the "poisons", I know it'll fade. For example, have you ever tried feeling discouraged if you pour out your heart in thanks to God in prayer, and then ask to feel His love? It won't work, because darkness cannot tolerate the presence of light. It will always slip back to where it belongs- into the shadows, away from the light of God. My simple witness today, without too much fancy wording or deep doctrine, is that God has heavenly antidotes for the poisons of hell. And ultimately, all of these are made possible through the atoning sacrifice of our Savior and Elder Brother, Jesus Christ. I know this to be true. I hope that all of us, regardless of our sexual orientation, will remember to lean upon that in our times of difficulty. And when we do, the poison will be purged and we will be made whole again. Until next time... : )
Some years ago, when I still attended college, I read an excellent talk by Elder Kevin W. Pearson of the Seventy entitled, "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ". It spoke of six "destructive D's" that Satan uses to bring us down into misery, for "he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself" (2nd Nephi 2:27). As I studied the different primary tactics that Satan uses, I wanted to figure out some counterattacks so that I could apply them to my life in the future. What resulted from this venture to find that information has provided great blessings of comfort, strength, eternal perspective, faith, hope, and love in my darkest hours. Perhaps, in the subconscious recesses of my mind, it has been habit of turning to these principles that has rescued me during dark days of despair and depression concerning my own sins and weaknesses. In any case, I am grateful to have them, and to now share them with each of you. I won't elaborate on the destructive D's because we are all well aware of what such negativity feels like. It should be noted, however, that they are listed according to the progress of spiritual destruction. Without further ado, here they are:
1. Doubt
2. Discouragement
3. Distraction
4. Lack of diligence
5. Disobedience
6. Disbelief
I experienced similar emotions when I studied "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis at a later time in my life- a sense of righteous indignation towards Satan, frustration at any lack of knowledge of how to triumph over him, and sadness in knowing that so many were affected by such evil, diabolical trickery. However, not long after I read this talk, I somehow stumbled across the talk, "A Prophet's Prayer and Counsel for Youth", by President Hinckley. He called them the six B's, but I chose to dub them the six Building B's as an opposing name to the Destructive D's. Here they are, listed in order as well:
1. Be grateful
2. Be smart
3. Be clean
4. Be true
5. Be humble
6. Be prayerful
It is my firm testimony that these are heavenly antidotes to Satan's poisonous, destructive influences. If you "take an antidote" listed above when feeling one of the "poisons", I know it'll fade. For example, have you ever tried feeling discouraged if you pour out your heart in thanks to God in prayer, and then ask to feel His love? It won't work, because darkness cannot tolerate the presence of light. It will always slip back to where it belongs- into the shadows, away from the light of God. My simple witness today, without too much fancy wording or deep doctrine, is that God has heavenly antidotes for the poisons of hell. And ultimately, all of these are made possible through the atoning sacrifice of our Savior and Elder Brother, Jesus Christ. I know this to be true. I hope that all of us, regardless of our sexual orientation, will remember to lean upon that in our times of difficulty. And when we do, the poison will be purged and we will be made whole again. Until next time... : )
6.01.2014
Act As Though It Is
Over the weekend, like some of you, I attended the fabulous and deeply informative North Star International conference. Though the first conference ever, board members had planned it for months and consequently it turned out to be a marvelous success. I befriended several people, saw old friends I had not seen in some time, learned much, and laughed much. On the whole, this conference lifted me to heights I have not been at before, and taught me how I can be a healer of souls and a minister of grace on my journey with same-sex attraction, even as my Savior is right now. For really, if one contemplates all that the Lord did, it is quite possible that included ministering to individuals with this experience-even if it was but a few. And because of His Atonement, Christ perfectly understands in love how to aid us in our journey with SSA, and that with compassionate hands.
One of the speakers at the North Star conference spoke on a particular subject that moved me somewhat, because oftentimes my focus on this journey had been inward. Few of my friends fully understood what it was like to experience this, I reasoned, and so I coped with it mostly on my own. At the conference, however, I realized that now is the time for me to really start turning my focus outward, to be vocal about same-sex attraction in the Church with a spirit of boldness and love. It is also time that I really start to make an additional effort to be the healer of souls and minister of grace that I mentioned earlier, because heaven knows we all can use healing and grace in such a world as ours. Today, I wish to expound somewhat on that topic from the conference, which focuses on helping others through missionary work of a sort. The principle the speaker talked about is, "If you are struggling to believe or 'cannot' believe something the Church teaches, act as though it is true." Now, I intend this to be a spiritual experiment...one that indeed imitates one we can find in 32nd chapter of Alma.
Alma urged, "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." (Alma 32:27) Now, he is not saying, "Okay, just pretend as though this principle or that principle is true because you want to believe it, and then you'll eventually believe." No, the essence of this is that we are testing the principle out, similar to test driving a car or stepping out into a lake before swimming. When one does that, we would not say, "Oh, that guy is just pretending to drive a car", or "He's just acting like he can swim". That would be ludicrous! It is the first step of what I believe to be open-mindedness towards belief, whether that is a temporal belief such as "this car is the right one for me" or "this water is the right temperature". Both hold the commonality that we are trying to see if they are going to meet our expectations. This is what Alma is saying- to test the waters of belief so that we can see that experiment will not harm us, thus leading to openness about receiving the word of God.
When it comes to SSA, some of us (including family members and friends) have difficulty receiving the word of God, because it often appears difficult and, at times, seemingly impossible for us to obey. We are told that God loves us the same as everyone else, and yet we find that hard to understand as we bear the burdens associated with not having children, spouses, sexual expression, and more. Sometimes people act in insensitive, careless, or just downright cruel ways about the attractions we experience, and it gives us cause to wonder the purpose God may have-if He has one at all, we say- behind it all. I testify that as we keep clinging to the Iron Rod, though those mists of darkness may blind our eyes so we are confused and cannot see immediate solutions, we will prevail. It may seem like the darkness draws us away, with whispers of self-doubt, depression, discouragement, and even despair. However, the Light of the World has promised us that His shining influence will always be at our side. Jesus Christ will help us have strength when we cannot understand the wise purposes in Him for letting us continue in pain, or for lengthening out the days in which we are confused about the purposes of certain doctrines and practices of the Church. Sometimes, our pain is lengthened to strengthen others in their pain, and often our confusion is there to test our faithfulness to Christ, to see if we will hold onto what we do know and center our focus and spirit on that. If we do not understand or think we can understand why certain doctrines or practices are there, or why some of us suffer in our journey with SSA, let me testify of something to you.
This testing of the waters of belief I have spoken of is no simple task, meaning that you won't just go and do, then...ta-da! you will know it's true or right. No, you will live it and likely experience much opposition as Satan does his worst to confuse, misdirect, and otherwise destroy you. It is no simple task, other than the simplicity of being able to see the fruits of what comes out of living the gospel of Jesus Christ with a child's mind and heart. If you humbly seek out your Savior while "acting as though it is" true and right, I testify to you with all my heart that you will come to know why it is true and why it is right. You will feel the light of Christ fill your life, and as Alma expressed, you will say to yourself that it expands your soul, enlightens your understanding, and even becomes something delicious to you. The sweet influence of the Spirit will distill upon your heart and soul, and you will understand that acting as though it is true and right, though testing the waters of belief, really only ever was living in the light shining down from Christ Himself. I testify of the truthfulness of this principle... I truly have seen it fulfilled in my life when I didn't quite understand something or think I could believe it. But still, God revealed the truth of it to me. I pray you may come to that understanding if you have not yet. Have a beautiful Sabbath! Until next time...
One of the speakers at the North Star conference spoke on a particular subject that moved me somewhat, because oftentimes my focus on this journey had been inward. Few of my friends fully understood what it was like to experience this, I reasoned, and so I coped with it mostly on my own. At the conference, however, I realized that now is the time for me to really start turning my focus outward, to be vocal about same-sex attraction in the Church with a spirit of boldness and love. It is also time that I really start to make an additional effort to be the healer of souls and minister of grace that I mentioned earlier, because heaven knows we all can use healing and grace in such a world as ours. Today, I wish to expound somewhat on that topic from the conference, which focuses on helping others through missionary work of a sort. The principle the speaker talked about is, "If you are struggling to believe or 'cannot' believe something the Church teaches, act as though it is true." Now, I intend this to be a spiritual experiment...one that indeed imitates one we can find in 32nd chapter of Alma.
Alma urged, "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." (Alma 32:27) Now, he is not saying, "Okay, just pretend as though this principle or that principle is true because you want to believe it, and then you'll eventually believe." No, the essence of this is that we are testing the principle out, similar to test driving a car or stepping out into a lake before swimming. When one does that, we would not say, "Oh, that guy is just pretending to drive a car", or "He's just acting like he can swim". That would be ludicrous! It is the first step of what I believe to be open-mindedness towards belief, whether that is a temporal belief such as "this car is the right one for me" or "this water is the right temperature". Both hold the commonality that we are trying to see if they are going to meet our expectations. This is what Alma is saying- to test the waters of belief so that we can see that experiment will not harm us, thus leading to openness about receiving the word of God.
When it comes to SSA, some of us (including family members and friends) have difficulty receiving the word of God, because it often appears difficult and, at times, seemingly impossible for us to obey. We are told that God loves us the same as everyone else, and yet we find that hard to understand as we bear the burdens associated with not having children, spouses, sexual expression, and more. Sometimes people act in insensitive, careless, or just downright cruel ways about the attractions we experience, and it gives us cause to wonder the purpose God may have-if He has one at all, we say- behind it all. I testify that as we keep clinging to the Iron Rod, though those mists of darkness may blind our eyes so we are confused and cannot see immediate solutions, we will prevail. It may seem like the darkness draws us away, with whispers of self-doubt, depression, discouragement, and even despair. However, the Light of the World has promised us that His shining influence will always be at our side. Jesus Christ will help us have strength when we cannot understand the wise purposes in Him for letting us continue in pain, or for lengthening out the days in which we are confused about the purposes of certain doctrines and practices of the Church. Sometimes, our pain is lengthened to strengthen others in their pain, and often our confusion is there to test our faithfulness to Christ, to see if we will hold onto what we do know and center our focus and spirit on that. If we do not understand or think we can understand why certain doctrines or practices are there, or why some of us suffer in our journey with SSA, let me testify of something to you.
This testing of the waters of belief I have spoken of is no simple task, meaning that you won't just go and do, then...ta-da! you will know it's true or right. No, you will live it and likely experience much opposition as Satan does his worst to confuse, misdirect, and otherwise destroy you. It is no simple task, other than the simplicity of being able to see the fruits of what comes out of living the gospel of Jesus Christ with a child's mind and heart. If you humbly seek out your Savior while "acting as though it is" true and right, I testify to you with all my heart that you will come to know why it is true and why it is right. You will feel the light of Christ fill your life, and as Alma expressed, you will say to yourself that it expands your soul, enlightens your understanding, and even becomes something delicious to you. The sweet influence of the Spirit will distill upon your heart and soul, and you will understand that acting as though it is true and right, though testing the waters of belief, really only ever was living in the light shining down from Christ Himself. I testify of the truthfulness of this principle... I truly have seen it fulfilled in my life when I didn't quite understand something or think I could believe it. But still, God revealed the truth of it to me. I pray you may come to that understanding if you have not yet. Have a beautiful Sabbath! Until next time...
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