It Came Not Into His Heart

In Jeremiah 7:31, the Lord is giving a specific example of idolatrous behavior in ancient Israel, when it had fallen away from the covenants of the temple and such.  At the end of the verse, the Lord makes a very interesting statement about that behavior:

"...which I commanded them not, neither came it into my heart."

As though to leave them without excuse in their sinfulness, Christ made sure to say that He had no part whatsoever in their sinfulness.  This also exposed, at His word, the entire burden of accountability resting on ancient Israel, due to the misuse of their agency.  James offered the same commentary, with further expounding:

"13 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:

14 But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.

15 Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.

16 Do not err, my beloved brethren."  (James 1:13-16)

So...how does this relate to same-sex attraction and being a Latter-Day Saint?  Or, being an ally of, priesthood leader over, or family to LGBT+ individuals in the Church?  Everything.  You see, I have wanted to post about this subject for quite some time now, in a very direct but also respectful way.  And, at the direction of the Spirit, it would seem that this is the best topic for me to write to my readers about at this time.  

Some LGBT+ Mormon members are entertaining a notion that, if rooted and grounded in truthful reality, would be immensely easier than the present path we are called to tread, as faithful disciples of Christ.  To clarify, there are those among us who suppose that they are given leave by God to transgress the commandments - to enter into a romantic relationship with/marry someone of the same sex, or to have sexual relations with the same.  This can also apply to lusting after those of the same sex, indulging in vulgar language and behavior with other LGBT+ individuals, and so forth.  Now, before I delve into the meat of this post, let me clarify:  I am not judging, condemning, criticizing, or otherwise targeting such individuals, or their families, friends, or priesthood leaders.  Far from it.  I am merely making observations of doctrine and true principles, as supported by the constituted General Authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and most importantly, the word of God itself.  I make it a point to support my posts via authoritative sources, rather than emotional rambling, personal bias, or inconclusive speculation.  And, I also make it a point to write out my posts in a spirit of love, through the direction of the Holy Spirit.  That being cleared out of the way, then...

I'd like to begin the "meat" of my post with a quote from Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Twelve, from a 2010 October General Conference address entitled, "Two Lines of Communication":  

"We cannot communicate reliably through the direct, personal line if we are disobedient to or out of harmony with the priesthood line. The Lord has declared that “the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness” (D&C 121:36). Unfortunately, it is common for persons who are violating God’s commandments or disobedient to the counsel of their priesthood leaders to declare that God has revealed to them that they are excused from obeying some commandment or from following some counsel. Such persons may be receiving revelation or inspiration, but it is not from the source they suppose. The devil is the father of lies, and he is ever anxious to frustrate the work of God by his clever imitations."

What truths and doctrine does this teach?  First, it teaches that God has called priesthood leaders for a sacred purpose, one of which is to foresee spiritual danger and communicate that to us in the form of revelation, warnings against sin and error, and other ways.  Through the Holy Priesthood, they can quite literally view the future, and give us direction that keeps us safe.  Furthermore, regarding such counsel that the Brethren and other servants of the Lord consistently preach, I have always seen that counsel being rooted in the word of God.  It testifies of and backs up what all these servants of God are preaching and teaching to us.  We have more than two or three witnesses whereby "everything may be established", as Isaiah taught.  

We have dozens of witnesses, all of whom are filled with the love of God, seeking only our eternal welfare as sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father and Mother.  Second, this teaching from an apostle of the Lord shows us that, in order to have reliable personal revelation, we must obey the commandments of God and the counsel of our constituted priesthood leaders.  Third, if we are disobedient, this teachings manifests the danger in doing so, because it can lead to false revelation from Satan.  It may offend some, but as Jacob taught in 2nd Nephi 9:40, "I know that the words of truth are hard against all uncleanness; but the righteous fear them not, for they love the truth and are not shaken."  If we are truly striving to be open to the Spirit, with a commitment to follow through with its direction, we will not fear the truth and so avoid it.

And so, when it comes to refraining from same-sex dating and courtship, same-sex marriage, sexual relations with the same sex, and so forth, we can choose to self-justify by claiming to have "spiritual experiences" or by citing the misguidance of a well-intending priesthood leader.  That is one choice.  Or, we can choose the blessed assurance of peace only the Spirit can bring, as we strive to be obedient and humble ourselves before God, to accept His counsel through priesthood leaders and to be obedient to His commandments.  Getting caught up in the so-called "impossible standards of the Church", twisting the history of the Church to justify false personal revelation, and so on does not serve any of us.  

Sometimes, we require added perspective or an entire perspective shift.  For example, if your concern is lifelong celibacy, perhaps you should reframe your concern to ask if there is another viable way your emotional and sexual needs can be met, in abundance.  I can attest to the power of emotional intimacy with men to manage both sexual and emotional needs for intimacy with guys.  I find this is a pretty universal solution, if you open up to trying it for a lengthy period of time, to validate if it works for you or not.  As for having a companion, that is what having a circle of very close friends is for.  Surprisingly, if you study where romance and friendship share common ground, you'll discover that they share almost all ground together, except for a few key differences.

What else can you discover, in giving up this false form of personal revelation that doesn't serve you? You can relinquish sinful behavior, and instead embrace virtuous behavior.  This, in turn, will open up other blessings, such as the sacrament, access to the temple, ability to exercise the priesthood, power to influence others by your goodness, and more.  You will, in other words, utilize your agency to where God can give you strength when you're not getting your emotional and sexual needs met sufficiently.  And, you won't have to feel out of place, filled with shame, awkward, or whatever other negative feeling you feel as you are drawing closer in your relationship with Christ.  

You will find Him embracing you where you are now in your journey with your sexuality, and with that love will come an openness to His counsel.  The Lord will guide you into building up a life where you can experience joy in keeping His commandments as taught by His servants, and simultaneous authenticity in embracing your sexual orientation.  Christ knows EVERYTHING you feel, experience, think, do, and otherwise undergo.  He knows, because He suffered the Atonement on your behalf personally.  Alma taught, "he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." (Alma 7:12)  This means that Christ knows, in the context of having a physical body with its appetites, desires, and passions, how to run to our aid (succor us) and thereby offer us perspective, comfort, and healing.  

Giving heed to this false form of personal revelation, to use a Christmas analogy for the season, is like having an ugly, bent over, gnarled, and gross tree, like one that has bird poop, nests, tree sap, feathers, etc all over in it.  Yet, somehow we insist that this is what we want - that there is a certain "rustic" appeal to having such a repulsive tree.  Our vision, somehow, has been corrupted by personal bias and outside persuasion, perhaps.  Yet, Christ stands right by you, offering an absolutely STUNNING Christmas tree - one frosted over with real icicles, covered artfully in gold glitter, draped with tinsel and glimmering snowflakes, and perfectly decorated with all manner of bejeweled, shimmering ornaments.  

It would capture the admiration of any passerby, yet He offers it to you, freely for your taking.  No conditions, no terms, nothing.  Just a gorgeous tree for you to take, while He takes your ragged, disgusting one away from you.  Then, as though you've never seen a real Christmas tree in your life, you take it in admiring wonder and the blessings before mentioned become yours, in time. You absolutely cannot fix your tree you have, which represents your fallen mortal nature and your futile efforts to be "true to you" in the context of an earthly label of sexuality.  But your Savior and Friend, Jesus Christ, can give you the real deal, the joy only He can offer, which comes by hearkening to His words over enough time to "prove (Him) herewith, if (He) will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it." (Malachi 3:10)

I testify of our Savior's infinite power to change us, by empowering us through His infinitely resilient grace to reach within and start living in His higher way.  I testify that His Atonement is specific to YOU as His son or daughter, and that if you were the only one who needed that Atonement, He would have been bled in Gethsemane, been whipped by Roman soldiers, allowed Himself to be crowned with thorns, permitted the Roman soldiers to nail Him to a cross, carried it for miles to Calvary, died after hours of suffering there, and been resurrected the 3rd day.  Just for you, I know He would have done that, were it necessary.  And, because He suffered intensely beyond mortal comprehension for you personally and individually as His son or daughter, He knows how to show you how to live the gospel, through personal revelation that comes via the Holy Spirit.  I love you, dear friends.  Until next time... 

Love is Love - Even the Unorthodox

Writing mostly to the parents, church leaders, friends, and family of LGBT+ Mormons, I wish to say something:  You probably do not understand whatsoever the concept I am about to discuss.  However, I hope to explain it all in a way that clarifies any odd or complex points.  To begin, it becomes very plain to anyone who knows our beliefs that a few distinct options - with sub-options, I might add - are available to those who choose to remain faithful to the teachings of Christ, in our church.  Most people group them under these three categories:

1.  Stay active in the LDS Church, while remaining sexually celibate for life as a single person.
2.  Live as a typical LGBT+ person would, leaving the LDS Church and choosing which beliefs to keep, if any.
3.  Stay active in the LDS Church, but marry someone of the opposite sex in order to fulfill the human need for sex.

If we were to really average out the answers of, say, 1,000 people, I believe we wouldn't have option #3 much in the picture, if at all.  Perhaps a small amount of individuals would present marriage to the opposite sex as a viable option, but it has been my experience as a gay Mormon man that most reject this option, also known as mixed-orientation marriage, as "dishonest to your fiance", "betrayal", "lying to yourself", and so on.  To expand others' understanding who are not a part of the LGBT+ Mormon or non-Mormon community, however, I wish to elaborate further on the concept of an LGBT+ individual marrying someone of the opposite sex.  Many misunderstand this idea a great deal, and I wish to clear up any confusion insofar as possible.

Regardless of whether you are Mormon or not, please enter into a hypothetical reality with me for a moment. Imagine that you have entered into a religion several years ago, one which you love because of the joy and fellowship with others it brings into your life.  It also guides your actions in a way that ultimately leads to your personal fulfillment.  So, you stay actively involved the more part of your life as a dedicated member of this particular religion.  Presently, the religion teaches that romance, sex, and marriage with anyone of the same sex are forbidden, since God's plan centers around traditional marriage and family.  As you grow older, however, you realize that you are not attracted to the opposite sex at all, despite your plans for love, marriage, and children.  In fact, you realize you are gay.  But, since your love and devotion to God run deep through this religious and its practices, you decide to find a way to happily stay in it.  Notwithstanding your pain from feeling isolated, different, misunderstood, and duty-bound to "fix" this problem, eventually you discover that same-sex friendships provide much of what you desire.  It doesn't meet every single need, but at the same time it doesn't create a very wide gap between your desires and actual fulfillment of them.  Rather, it is a small enough gap to where you still are getting your needs met as an ordinary human.

At some point, as all your straight friends are getting married, you realize that you want to fall in love, too.  The desire for that for someone of the same sex is very real, and yet you also desire to have your own children.  Or, you want to share a spiritual & emotional connection with someone of the opposite.  Whatever the reason, it certainly doesn't strike you as frivolous, even though it seems that marrying someone of the opposite sex is completely impossible.  After all, what Mormon person wants to marry someone who isn't straight?  It violates social and religious norms, not to mention it sparks fear in the heart of virtually anyone who entertains that possibility.  And yet, you have deeply loved and continually dedicated yourself to this religious path before now.  There are many reasons to stop, and although some of them are almost good enough, yet none of them seem to be justified.  So, you pursue an opposite sex marriage in the way any other heterosexual person would - dating and courtship.  Now, let's exit this hypothetical reality.

Most individuals reject this option on the premise of lying to oneself or future spouse, being brainwashed by religious authorities, and so forth.  And yet, while such people typically utilize the phrase, "Love is love", I have spotted a gaping, even hypocritical hole in their mantra.  If love is love, why cannot a mixed-orientation marriage also be love?  Our society too often defines love on the basis of sexual attraction - in essence, who you want to shove your genitals into.  Is that really what we have sunk to, my dear readers...defining love primarily by what we want to physically do with each other?  There are so many other measuring sticks to define true love by!  I prefer the measuring sticks of intellectual, emotional, mental, spiritual, and social attraction, to be honest.  They actually can measure true love because they are true standards!  What keeps people together in difficult times isn't sex.  It's the meaningful, deep, abiding qualities of the other lover that bind them together even in hard times.  I should be very sorry indeed to find out that my beloved only wanted me because I was physically attractive or sexually talented.  Some might smile or laugh at this, but I really would reject someone if I discovered such an awful thing.  Why?  Because I'd save myself heartbreak from the inevitable destruction of our relationship soon to come.

That being said, then, why can't mixed-orientation marriages have true love?  Truth is, there isn't a reason.  Then people will make counterarguments, such as:

- Your spouse will cheat on you, because eventually they won't be able to resist their sexuality.
- Even if you could make it work, there's no way you'll have a fulfilling sex life.
- Your spouse won't truly appreciate your body, whether in or out of the bedroom.
-Etc, etc, etc.

And yet, I know many couples who are in a mixed-orientation marriage.  Is it hard?  Yes, it can be very hard at times!!  But, through open lines of communication, a sense of humor about one being LGBT+, and open-mindedness to alternative sexual advances, moves, mindsets, etc, these couples enjoy very healthy sexual lives together.  The LGBT+ spouse can also compliment aesthetic beauty they see in their significant other, and the other can learn to love such expressions of attraction, while valuing them as equally meaningful as any other spouse's compliments.  Furthermore, questions of fidelity can be settled by our answer to the question that love is love anywhere, even in the most unexpected of places.  If that LGBT+ spouse truly loves his/her partner, the temptation to cheat will lessen tremendously.  Combined with open lines of communication and ongoing attempts at romance, that temptation lessens even more.  Indeed, many of these couples I know spend time with and talk to other mixed-orientation couples, even to the point of having bi-annual conferences to strengthen their marriages!  Much goes on behind the scenes with mixed-orientation marriages that we do not understand or even know about.  Thus, many judge and criticize - some even while proclaiming love can exist in unusual and unexpected circumstances.

To conclude, my friends, there are some things I yet do not fully understand about mixed-orientation marriage.  But since I wish to pursue that for the honorable intention of raising a family I created, I can confidently assert myself in the face of opposition, and tell the haters to (in the words of a friend) back off.  Please validate the choices of all LGBT+ people, regardless of which of those three options above they've decided on.  That includes those who decide to date, court, and marry those of the opposite sex.  If we truly wish to uphold the true phrase, "Love is Love", then we must hold ourselves to that declaration and validate love, wherever it may choose to appear.  Until next time, beloved readers...

The Visibly Invisible Letter of "LGBT+"

For the past few years, I have only focused on heterosexual and homosexual experiences, offering my personal insights regarding them, especially in relation to living the teachings of the LDS Church.  Recently, however, I attended an international conference for people of many different kinds of sexual orientation, and I have realized that I need to offer insight to these people as well.  So, for a while, I am going to alternate between the two groups I have passed over - family, friends, and church leaders of LGBT+ Mormons, and church members who experience sexuality types other than heterosexual or homosexual.  Today's post will focus entirely on bisexuality.

It is an unfortunate truth that because we often view sexuality as binary, that is, gay or straight, we forget that people experience a tremendously varying spectrum of sexual orientation.  You, my dear reader, have probably never even heard of some of them before.  While being sensitive to those who are non-religious, I will also bear my witness of truth and bring these different forms of sexual orientation to the light, so that my readers may be both sensitive and helpful to those around them.  Bisexuality calls for these two strengths anew.  The question is, what is bisexuality?  To start let's define what it is not. It is not someone who is equally attracted to both genders, first of all.  That is a very common and, for bisexuals, a very frustrating misconception.  Someone who identifies as bisexual may drift in attraction towards their same gender one day, and then not too much later, float back to more dominant opposite-sex attraction.  Please do not make the naive mistake of supposing that bisexual people like both genders equally.  An excellent way to understand this would be to mentally separate their attraction to men and women, and then regard them as independent of one another, fluctuating as they will.  This leads into my next point.  Bisexual individuals are not going around having lots of sex, "because they want to" or "because they can".  It's not about having "the best of both worlds", honestly.  It just means their attractions can go one way or another, and if that happens to lead to sex it doesn't mean someone is bisexual purely for, or because of, the indulgence of sex.

For those who consider themselves "straight as an arrow" or "gay as the day is long", sometimes they will accuse a bisexual person of being indecisive, inexperienced with sex, or whatever other nonsense some people come up with.  I've got to to tell you - for years, psychologists, sociologists, and other mental health professionals have studied sexual orientation.  And the general consensus in this highly educated community is that sexuality is very fluid for many, and a least a little for some.  Thus, if someone is declaring they are attracted to both genders, in whatever way, it simply means their heart and brain are telling them, "Hey, this and this is appealing about both men and women, more for one and less for another, at this time."  Though some may remain in a consistent place with how their orientation operates for a while, many others do not have that experience.  It shifts in who and even what captivates their attractions and differing forms of attention.  This orientation exists, people.  It doesn't result from some simplistic source; it's a complex reality that has emerged over time for most people.  Please, have the respect to validate a person's sexual orientation as real and valuable, even if it doesn't make a ton of sense to you at this present time.  It is equally as unfair for someone to question your sexual orientation as it is for you to question theirs.  You'd likely say if someone challenged your orientation, "Who are they to do this?  They don't know my mind and heart well enough to judge!" If you could see yourself reacting in a similar way to this statement, please give others the same respect and dignity you yourself would demand of others.



In reference to the gospel, then, now that we've defined bisexuality, I wish to make a persuasive case for devotion to Christ.  With such a limited space, it is difficult to do, but I'll do my best.  Indeed we may be sure that, as with all sexual orientation beyond heterosexuality, being faithful and enduring to the end seem like an impossible dream.  Let's be honest - our inherent sexual and emotional desires crowd out any "arbitrary" religion or spiritual path that tells us we cannot fulfill our deep desires for a same-sex relationship or marriage, and sexual intimacy with another of our sex.  It baffles those outside such religious and spiritual paths to suppose that there could be any other options than these aforementioned.  But, drawing upon my limited comprehension of bisexuality, I can offer at least one profound suggestion that most certainly could change this so-called religious drudgery into Christ-centered joy and freedom.  If one were to devote time to studying the common traits of romantic and platonic (friendship) love, they would be astounded. Why?  Because, excepting a few key differences, amorous relationships and friendships share most of their qualities.  This can point us to the direction of choosing close, emotionally intimate friendships with those around us, versus following after sexual intimacy and committed relationships with those of the same sex. At first blush, it may seem we are getting less than we deserve in the experience of love and life.  However, I have chosen to view this from more of a bird's-eye view, and I have come to joyfully accept this as an alternative path, not an inferior one in fulfillment.  Some people I have told all this to have looked at me as though I am crazy, and perhaps understandably so.  To those who haven't plumbed the depths of what it means to choose a different love for a lifetime though, I cannot fault them for severely questioning my choice.  The question is, how does that work in reference to bisexuality, and what makes it a viable possibility?  I believe that the sure handful of choices are:  emotional vulnerability, prayer, faith in the ludicrous, and open-mindedness.

An attitude of choosing emotional vulnerability throws open the doors for potential emotional intimacy.  It shows others, in many cases, that you are willing to trust them with your heart.  This typically moves people to compassion, and if they feel you share common interests and/or see common truth, it is quite likely they will choose that same risk as you are.  What follows after is a beautiful manifestation of closeness and love, as time carries on.  This process, more than anything I think, holds the key to showing us what God is capable of if we let Him work in our lives.  Speaking of which, prayer and faith in the ludicrous are the bridge that will lead you there and keep you on the right road.  Pray as a son or daughter to a loving God, as a friend of His and not regarding Him as some far-away, ominously magnificent, stern Being.  He is your Father, and Christ, your older brother.  Speak with them as such, for they dearly love you.  And when the Spirit from these two magnificent, glorified Beings directs you to speak to some random person on the train, or engage in conversation with a homeless person, or maybe even strike up a friendship with that "weirdo" in your office, have courage enough to believe in the crazy and even the seemingly impossible.  These kind of close friendships may come from anywhere and at any time, so open your heart and your mind to the possibility of insane beginnings of connection.  We do not see the big picture, but God does... and to show us this, I believe He tells us to do things far out of our comfort zone, that push the limits of what we consider to be commonplace or "normal".

Finally, be open-minded. This doesn't mean, be cool with unrighteous and sinful activities, behavior, friends, etc.  No, it means to leave the doors of your mind open to new possibilities and new truths you haven't yet explored.  Sometimes, God best reaches us through unfamiliar channels, ones which are virtuous and good indeed, but that we haven't had the opportunity or courage enough to investigate.  For example, I never supposed before that my straight friends would be willing to cuddle, hold hands, or even kiss... and yet, I believed this because of cultural norms.  Men did all of these things as recent as the late 40's in America, and we are returning to that same norm yet again, with how our society is shifting.  But, God told me through His Spirit to open myself up to these things, making sure to keep my thoughts and intentions pure.  I did take His counsel entirely, including His caution of purifying my mind and heart beforehand.  And I'll tell you, some of my most beautiful experiences of physical affection and brotherly love have resulted directly from these experiences.  I have not been so open about them until now, but I feel to share it because I think it will encourage people of diverse sexual orientation to reach out with open-mindedness to experience the beauty God has tenderly placed in relationships, for us to joyfully discover.  Regarding those who are bisexual, it may be wise to seek out close, loving friendships with both genders, so that you can meet your emotional needs with both.

Bisexuality is not an invisible letter in the LGBT+ spectrum, nor is it something that has to force anyone in the common direction of society.  If you are bisexual, and want to live the gospel of Jesus Christ, I testify to you that it is possible.  I am not bisexual, but I have many friends who are, and as members of the Church they choose to live a faithful life in Christ.  I also testify that you are not alone in this journey, that Christ does not expect you to simply abandon all hope of love and fulfillment with those whom you are attracted to.  Through Him, a way consistent with His teachings can be made, one which will abundantly minister to your personal needs as His brother or sister.  He is on a dirt-floor, eye-to-eye level with you, walking with, talking with, and suffering with you, not being some floaty, above the sky dude who just says, "Good luck!  Hope you figure it out..."  I know our Savior is a man of battle, a man of compassion, a man of personal, tender healing, and a man of comradery and brotherhood.  He will not leave us, nor forsake us, and anything we are now enduring that seems to suggest or even scream otherwise simply is a foreordained trial for our individualized benefit.  We are His children, and nothing will separate us from His love.  Until next time, you guys...

A Few Words To The Straight Guys ;)

Typically, my audience of choice speaks to the general public, or LGBT+ Mormons, their friends, and their families.  But, the Spirit whispered to me it was time to speak to a different and very specific audience - heterosexual men, or "straight guys".  Although I've touched on many of the principles soon to be discussed, it has only been in passing...a sort of brief glance at these little truths here and there that I have found to be significant.  But, I have never previous gathered them together, for either lack of thought or lack of divine direction.  Today, though, I know it is what Heavenly Father would have me speak about, to use my voice for this subject so frequently discussed among LGBT+ Mormon men.  To begin...

To my straight guy friends out there, or just you general heterosexual dudes, read on intently for a moment.  Stick with me for a couple paragraphs, because I'm painting a picture here for all of you. ;) Let's consider a hypothetical circumstance together, which would never happen in all of eternity because of the unchangeable nature of God.  Say that one day, the Church announces you are only allowed to date, steady date, marry, and have sex with other men.  You are now forbidden to engage in anything but friendship with women, no matter what the circumstances.  Allow that to sink in for a little while, both in your mind and in your heart.  Consider the consequences of such a decision in your life, how you would feel, and what it would mean for your church membership. Perhaps you are asking yourself how you could even begin to consider marriage to a woman, and telling yourself that now your dreams for a traditional family are completely shattered.  Maybe you'd even begin to question the 1st Presidency and Quorum of the 12 Apostles, asking if they actually are speaking with God and receiving genuine revelation for the Church.  Indeed, you might even begin to experience anger, guilt, shame, confusion, despair, depression, and other notably negative emotions.  Now, return to reality, where you are blessed by your sexual orientation.  You don't have these challenges looming in your face every day, relentlessly demanding your attention and almost stealing away your faith in Jesus Christ.  But, us LGBT+ Mormons do.

Turn again to your imagination, and take yet another journey with me.  Imagine that you have just met some really cool dude.  You like him a lot, feel like you have a good deal in common, and think it would be amazing to get to know him better as a friend.  So, you approach him wherever it is you met, be it school, work, Institute class, whatever.  It's always at least a bit unsettling to be emotionally vulnerable like that and put yourself out there, but you shrug your doubts and fears off because after all, he's just a guy, right?  You start talking to this cool guy you'd like to be friends with, and halfway through the conversation, he kinda interrupts you and says, "No offense, but I don't really make friends with guys who wear Converse shoes.  It feels like they are making some kind of romantic or sexual advance on me."  You stare at him, and then laugh because you think it's a joke.  But he's like, "No dude, I'm not kidding.  Thanks for the offer, but I'll see you later, k?  Bye." And he walks off, leaving you there in total bewilderment.  "What kind of guy judges someone by the brand of their shoes?" you ask yourself.  And so, with disappointment and probably at least a bit of hurt, you also walk off, not understanding what shoes have to do with brotherly love and bro bonding.  All you wanted was another guy to hang with, to be "one of the boys"...why does this ridiculous standard matter so much?



In all reality, these bizarre, hypothetical situations do offer practical application in both understanding and genuinely loving your LGBT+ Mormon/non-Mormon brothers as Christ would love them.  Most especially, those men who identify as gay or bisexual.  Let me explain.  In the first example, this was to shift your viewpoint to understand from a personal level how it feels every day for gay (and possible bi) Mormon dudes like myself.  All those possible scenarios, doubts, feelings, frustrations, etc are real challenges I have struggled with either on difficult occasions like the policy change, or every day as a natural consequence to my chosen path of discipleship.  And, as you can well imagine, that isn't a comprehensive list.  If you know a gay or bi dude who has left the Church, or is leaving the Church, or even is just voicing frustrations, they should sound familiar if you re-read my words and return to that vivid, uncharted place of your whole world being turned upside-down.  It is not wise, nor is it charitable, to tell LGBT+ guys in or out of the Church that God will "fix" their sexuality, that marriage can help with it, or any of those other falsehoods Satan spreads among us.  If you truly would lead your LGBT+ Mormon/non-Mormon friends and family back to Christ, study out in your heart and mind how to best show them charity each and every day.  I have heard it said bluntly and truthfully that people will gather to where they feel they are loved the most.  If someone comes out to you, seeks your advice, or desires your friendship, extend God's love every time, without fail.

Speaking of friendship, let's address that point real quick.  A pair of shoes worn or not worn would be a terribly judgmental and ludicrous way to filter out potential friends in your life.  Similarly, the sexual identity of "straight" does not need to be some all-determining factor in whether someone is your friend.  And, from a more subtle viewpoint, nor does it need to be cause for withholding love or one-on-one quality time from a guy who is gay, bisexual, or whatever.  Guys sometimes fear us gay and bisexual men because of "getting hit on", or "possibly being seduced".  Or, it could be that they fear the opinions of others far too much, thinking that maybe their other straight friends will question their sexuality just because of spending time with a gay or bisexual man.  Surprisingly, guys, almost all LGBT+ guys will respect your orientation as a heterosexual because they know as intelligent beings that you're not going to swing another way.  Not to mention, we respect your "straight-ness" because we understand that (if we were going to) there'd be no chance of anything happening, either sexually or romantically.  Guys, we are friends with lesbians and know them well.  That's like us being overly sensitive and/or protective, because we are watching for a time when you'll hit on and/or seduce one of our lesbian friends.  That's ridiculous, isn't it?  Furthermore, most of us are decent people who wouldn't dare to be so disrespectful and out of line.  Again, you don't do that with lesbians if you know their orientation.  Why would we do it with you, knowing your orientation?  That's beyond rude.  It's appalling.

And speaking to withholding love or quality time, some guys of mine have feared that if they hug me or give me a quick massage, it'll be arousing or cause inner conflict.  Let me share something.  Even if a man is gay or bisexual, and is out there doing all kinds of crazy stuff with men, that doesn't necessarily mean that your touch will somehow arouse him, or shake up his feelings.  He might have a partner or husband already, he might not be attracted to you, and the list goes on.  In my case, where I am abstaining from romance and sex with men, that is coming from a different angle.  You see, I choose that path and as a result, I have emotional needs of closeness and physical affection with other men, in pure ways.  So, I seek that out with other guys to meet my needs and avoid any kind of slip-up with a new gay dating life or sexual immorality.  In essence, if you are comfortable being touchy-feely with your straight bros, you should with an LGBT+ Mormon guy like me or my friends.  In giving that, you actually help lessen the power of homosexual lust and other temptations we experience daily.  This is because you are, in that small time, meeting those essential needs your rainbow friend has for male love and acceptance.  You're helping him be faithful, in your way.  And there's not much that needs to be said for spending one-on-one time with him, because all these same principles apply.  Surely your spirit led you to this man in part because you believed him to be of good moral character.  An unexpected coming out the closet should not change that, if you're choosing love.

Guys, love your brothers as Christ loves you.  He doesn't see your sexual orientation or any of your particular thorns in the flesh, for that matter.  He sees you as His sons, capable of so much more than what you are presently doing.  Live up to that potential in this beautiful experience with  your brothers, and help them live up to their potential with the perfect love of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  John the Beloved urged us to "try the spirits", and I have no doubt that almost every gay, bisexual, transgender, etc man you run into will pleasantly and joyfully surprise you with the beauty of their spirits.  Try the spirits of your rainbow brothers, and learn of them.  Love them, even as your Elder Brother loves you, and learn something from what you have once feared, but now want to become acquainted with.  It's a different world, but I promise it's a decision you'll not regret.  Until next time...love you, my brothers.

The Hidden Healings of Jesus Christ

The Old Testament, boring as it may seem to some, actually holds some magnificent insights to gospel truths, as my last post witnesses.  Again I have discovered something worth posting about, in the book of Hosea.  I loved much of what I studied there, but one scripture jumped out at me in particular significance for you, my readers.  And, by extension, for myself, since I identify as gay and thereby am part of the LGBT+ community.  Before I begin expounding on my thoughts, though, I also would like to emphasize that anyone can draw meaning from my posts here, as I often draw my inspiration from the word of God, a universally applicable source.  Furthermore, I search for ideas in the arena of common humanity, where instead of expressing eloquent, snobbishly intellectual thought, I just ask myself, "What do people of diverse sexuality and backgrounds share in common?" Thus, anyone can delve into my posts and find at least a little something to take home or share with someone.

In my daily scripture study, I search for thoughts to write down that are usually for myself, but sometimes are musings upon the human experience.  A few days ago, I stumbled across this beautiful gem:

"I taught Ephraim also to go, taking them by their arms; but they knew not that I healed them." (Hosea 11:3)

In context, this scripture partly illustrates how Christ has taken care of Israel since it began, and speaks of how Christ knew they were surrounded by idolatry.  But, to spiritually preserve them, He taught (or revealed to) the tribe of Ephraim to go, or flee.  To accomplish this, He also took them by the arms, like a father guiding a blindfolded child by the forearms.  But unlike the child who obviously knows it's their father leading them, Israel did not know that Christ had healed them by leading them away from idolatry.  They were not aware of His power, hand, personal touch, etc.  If you study the Old Testament extensively enough, you'll realize the truthfulness of what I'm explaining.  By this time, they were steadily heading into apostasy, notwithstanding all that Jesus had done for them in directing their steps towards salvation and abundant life.  It's sad to read, and causes us to sometimes become angry and ask, "Why?  Why did they do this?!  The Lord is there, but you're not getting it."  I have been guilty of this, both with reading the apostasy of Israel and of the Nephites.  I think sometimes it reflects how I've spoken to myself in the past...

Yet, how much different are we, my rainbow-hearted friends and fellow children of God?  True, we are not forging idols from silver and gold, nor are we building up lavish altars to place them upon. But I believe that if we look through modern eyes, we may find valuable insight from these scriptural accounts.  Now, before you stop reading, know that I am not about to preach a sermon on figurative idolatry, as in condemning the evils of placing things before Christ and whatnot.  My thoughts are heading elsewhere, so stick with me for a little longer.  To continue, let's break this scripture down into chunks.  The first phrase states, "I taught Ephraim to go," but instead of "Ephraim" insert your name there.  Has Christ taught you to "go" or, flee, in the face of certain dangers to your spirituality, testimony, conversion, etc (all of which are different things)?  Indeed He has, through the prophet, apostles, other servants of the Lord, the Proclamation, friends, family, relatives, church members, and more.  I am not making the asinine assumption that just because you're surrounded by lots of virtue, that automatically plants a knowledge and dedication to truth inside your heart.  We all have our struggles, and for some, they struggle with believing in and/or trusting the priesthood, dysfunctional families, a lack of Christlike friends, or whatever else.  My point in listing those things is to handpick one, two, or whatever number of examples to show that you've felt the guiding hands of Jesus Christ, enough to see then or now it was Him there.  But, I do recognize some are not as fortunate as others to have felt that abundant outpouring of typical Mormon support.  That ties into my later thoughts.

Next, we read the phrase, "Taking them by their arms".  What an intimate, beautiful statement.  Most certainly I can view this from my earlier example of a father guiding his child while grasping their forearms.  But, I personally choose to see it more intimately.  I see the Savior, in my life, coming close up to me almost chest to chest, firmly but lovingly grasping me by the shoulders and quietly telling me the best places to step.  He doesn't tell me where to step, but the best places to step.  And when I want to cry and stop for a little bit, I really do believe that Christ stops with me, lets me rest me head on His chest and cry for a while.  And He holds me, too, until I'm just strong enough to keep moving forward.  I think that sometimes, as LGBT+ people or families and friends of the same, we suppose that the Savior our Church teaches and preaches about isn't this same person, the divine but infinitely tender and compassionate One who deeply understands our pains.  Sometimes, I have seen myself and others proclaiming that the Law of Chastity, The Family: A Proclamation to the World, the Church's social stance on LGBT+ issues and more are the Lord telling us what to do.  I don't believe that, not anymore.  I look at an all-loving, all-knowing Savior who is also perfectly filled with justice, and, while balancing mercy and justice, issues commandments that reveal the best pathway for everyone.  While it is true that not everyone executes the gospel in the same way, the faithful still obey God within the Spirit's directions.  There's not justifying of this or excusing of that.  If something has been spoken as sinful, it remains as such.  Justifying oneself is always indicative that deep down, you know it's wrong.  Thus, I see no long-term purpose in breaking the commandments and disobeying the counsel of God's servants.  I see the greatest joy in letting my Savior guide me with that beautiful intimacy and close love in mind.  That is why I love Him more than any other man.

Now, for the most important piece and to tie it all together: "But they knew not that I had healed them."  Hosea could have said, "that He had healed them" or "that the Lord had healed them".  But, Christ spoke out in first person to emphasize the personal relationship there, which Israel was no longer aware of.  In our time, with so many voices telling LGBT+ Mormons or other Christians how to live, it is often difficult to discern which are speaking truth.  But, if we simplify the messages of those voices, it becomes much easier to wade through all the confusion and into spiritual clarity. Moroni and many others in the Bible taught that if something persuades us to love and serve God, and to do good, it comes from God.  It's that simple.  Now, it's true we have people who have taught us where the danger is, and a loving Savior who takes us close and shows us the best stepping stones.  But for anyone, including those who lack resources and/or struggle with faith, I believe that it's still possible to move forward successfully in our conversion to Jesus Christ.  We just have to look each day, in small and simple things, how Christ is healing our lives - including by giving us hard things to handle.  For it is only by passing through mortal hell with grace that we can finally place our hand into His and walk peacefully & joyfully into the celestial kingdom.  A deep, intimate, and love-filled relationship with Jesus Christ will teach us where to go and where to step, but not in a way that steals our individuality.  I believe that He rejoices in how I presently express my sexuality, because I do it with cleanliness and humor at the same time.  I honestly believe that Jesus laughs at some of the things I say about being a gay man, and smiles at my quirky way of doing things in it all.  But more than anything, I know He loves me and is well-pleased because I strive to follow Him.  All we gotta do is try to be a little better each day, my friends.  That's all He wants, for us to come home again.  Until next time...  Love you guys!  

Same-Sex Attraction: Fiery Brand or Beautiful Gift?

For some time at the beginning of my journey with same-sex attraction, I viewed it as some undesirable, dirty, and shameful conflict I was having within myself.  All throughout being a teenager, I shunned it for the horrendous experience I believed it to be at the time.  And, to be honest, how many of us LGBT+ individuals reading this cannot say the same?  Few, if any, I would say. Joining in with most of us rainbow-hearted people, then, I would assume it safe to say that just about everyone reading my words knows that dark place.  I will not visit it anymore, though, because words hold power and I am choosing to use them to uplift and guide my readers along in the Light.  Where shadows still linger for some readers bearing with my post today, I would plead with each of you, individually, to look deep within and view what more you have to offer as a person.  I promise, you do...and Jesus sees it, too.  Speaking of Him, I want to share with you the scripture directly depicting His influence upon a single child of His.

In Zechariah 3:1-7, it declares:

"1 And he shewed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the Lord, and Satan standing at his right hand to resist (or, in Hebrew translation, "accuse") him.

2 And the Lord said unto Satan, The Lord rebuke thee, O Satan; even the Lord that hath chosen Jerusalem rebuke thee: is not this a brand plucked out of the fire?

3 Now Joshua was clothed with filthy garments, and stood before the angel.

4 And he answered and spake unto those that stood before him, saying, Take away the filthy garments from him. And unto him he said, Behold, I have caused thine iniquity to pass from thee, and I will clothe thee with change of raiment.

5 And I said, Let them set a fair mitre (a high, pointed hat worn by significant church leaders) upon his head. So they set a fair mitre upon his head, and clothed him with garments. And the angel of the Lord stood by.

6 And the angel of the Lord protested unto Joshua, saying,

7 Thus saith the Lord of hosts; If thou wilt walk in my ways, and if thou wilt keep my charge, then thou shalt also judge my house, and shalt also keep my courts, and I will give thee places to walk among these that stand by."

For those of us experiencing identity along the LGBT+ spectrum, or for family/friends/priesthood leaders wishing to understand these things better, this scripture points out some very, very valuable principles.  Let me expound on a few of those...

-Of all the times in scripture where Satan is actually given a personal voice to speak about or to God, it seems as though some priesthood leader always stands in place to rebuke him.  Whether that be Christ Himself, a prophet, or general servant of the Lord, someone always silences him by God's power.  Moses, Christ in the wilderness, the instance of Job, etc are all examples.  Now, in this example, Christ does not even allow Satan to speak at all!  He simply asks a question after rebuking Satan and sending him away...

"Is not this a brand plucked out of the fire?"



-  Essentially, I see Christ saying a great deal in one simple sentence.  A "brand plucked out of the fire", the label Satan is getting from the Savior, is alluding to an iron brand that herders use to sear the hair and flesh of cattle, to mark them with a symbol of ownership.  Satan tries to own us by labeling us with various, derogatory titles - usually ones tailored to our sins and weaknesses.  Some he attempts to label with attractions or gender identity, meaning he makes it the primary title people go by, instead of their divine identity as a child of our Heavenly Father.  Others he tries to label with miscellaneous whisperings, like "inadequate", "incomparable to __  person", "ugly", "addicted", "mentally ill", and so on.  I see nothing wrong with identifying with labels of sexual orientation and/or gender identity, along with any other common labels.  Like someone remarked in the last session of General Conference, though, I would add my witness that if any other identity and/or label takes precedence over our divine identity, that's when it becomes problematic.  Why?  I believe it's because we place ourselves farther from our Heavenly Father, and closer to the influence of Satan, whose dominion is the world and who is very crafty and subtle in perpetuating worldly labels to excess.

-  Christ could have easily accused Joshua just as much as Satan did, even if it was not in a harsh or condemning way.  He knows everything, so why was His approach different?  Why not point out Joshua's sins, whatever they were, and call him to repentance or something like that?  It doesn't seem so far off the mark for Christ to do something along those lines, does it?  I have pondered about this somewhat, and I believe Christ took a completely different approach to Satan's not just because of His divine title as Savior and such.  It runs deeper than that.  He approached it this way because Satan was already grinding on Joshua's conscience in excess, reminding him over and over of how guilty and dirty he was.  I believe, although this was a vision and not necessarily real, that Christ understood that Joshua knew his own guilt.  So, why perpetuate that self-consciousness when Satan had already nit-picked Joshua's pain, if only to increase it?  Similarly, in our attractions and gender identity experiences, I strongly believe that Christ knows we've been accused of so many different half-truths and lies, or had our sins and weaknesses harped on in honesty, but cruel honesty at that.  When we come unto Christ with our attractions, I see a loving smile on His face and a welcoming gesture, as if to say, "I know you've endured painful taunting from Satan, and that you've even beat yourself up, too.  It's okay.  I understand.  Let me heal you..."  A doctor does not dig into a wound any more than necessary, to heal it.  Nor does the Master Healer, Jesus Christ.

-  After Christ commanded that the filthy garments be taken from Joshua, He then said, "I have caused thine iniquity to pass from thee, and I will clothe thee with change of raiment."  Reading this carefully, I have come to a couple of conclusions.  First, Jesus Christ takes away our filthy garments, representing our sins, weaknesses, emotional, physical & mental struggles, and so on, and puts His own clean, pure garments upon Us.  That is the greatest miracle of the Atonement - that Christ, not usually in deliverance but in perspective, strength, and such, takes away our opposition and gives us His peace, His Spirit, and His spiritual abundance.  This is what the scriptures call being justified and sanctified, or what some in the Church call being "perfect in Christ", as Moroni spoke of when he urged us to "come unto Christ, and be perfected in Him".  And when it comes to same-sex attraction, gender identity, or any other LGBT+ spectrum experiences, I wholeheartedly and firmly believe that our Savior can purify those experiences so that they unify with our faith and hope in  Him.  For example, Christ has changed my heart so that instead of continuously desiring romance and sex with men, I desire to get the same sort of emotional fulfillment from close, platonic friendships with men, both gay and straight.  And I can tell you, having a diamond necklace around my neck, figuratively speaking, is a LOT better than settling for some imitation stuff made by men in a lab.  Our Savior, by the power of His Atonement, can bring in relationships with the sex we desire to have them with.  He can also heal current ones, if it so be they will be healthy, pure, and emotionally fulfilling for us.  In short, if you feel covered in some kind of filthy garment, be it heartache, loneliness, lack of sexual/emotional/romantic fulfillment, I know and testify that He can take that and give you something much, much better.  His way is the clean, pure, and joyful way, because He is the Way - the only true Way.

- Finally, the angel of the Lord promises Joshua that if he is faithful and endures to the end, he will have a place to walk among the angels.  That means he will inherit exaltation.  I do not wish to downplay the extraordinarily difficult experience of being a Latter-Day Saint and experiencing same-sex attraction, gender identity conflicts, and more.  But, I cannot overstate the power that the Savior has to show us His way, even if it is a way we may want to resist, reject, doubt, and so forth.  How I have chosen to look at it in my life is this:  If the Savior, having given us SO much, beyond comprehension, who are we to deny Him when He asks so little of us in comparison?  And, in the selfsame sacrifice that gives us grace, life, joy, and a promise of godhood, He has shown us the way and empowered us in it!  I would boldly declare that if we truly love our Savior, Jesus Christ as much as we say we do, then we must pass the very hardest tests as well as the lesser ones.  It is not as easy as saying that, not by a long shot.  I would be an idiot if I thought otherwise.  Nevertheless, speaking as a man who has had the blessing of reconciling his faith with his attractions, I promise you that Christ can offer you so much more than the world can.  I have tried other ways of living, ways the world proscribes to be "true to yourself" and to "stop living a lie".  Yet, the only falsehood I have ever found myself living, or the only self-betrayal I have found myself committing is when I turn my back on the One who gave His life for me in conscious decision to disobey.

I testify our Savior, Jesus Christ loves us and that He will exchange, gladly, our sins, weaknesses, and any burden we carry, for His rest that He promises to those who seek His Light, and lay hold on the promises of His Atonement.  We are not alone in this fight, and we do not have to live a dried-up, solemn, and spiritually destitute lifestyle.  Christ promised, "I am come that men might have Life, and that they might have it more abundantly."  The gospel of Jesus Christ is about Abundant Life - not a life centered purely on "celibacy", "man being alone", or any other sort of negative, half-true/false thematic people like to aim at faithful or aspiring-to-be-faithful LGBT+ Mormons.  We contribute great value to this world, inside and outside the Church of God.  And I will not believe for a second that Satan is anything but "a brand plucked out of the fire".  He isn't.  His lips are only capable of speaking lies and deceit, which work unto destruction of all who grasp them.  Be courageous in the face of darkness, and when Satan whispers BS in your ears, ask out loud:

"Is this not a brand plucked out of the fire?"   Love you guys.... :)

A Strangely Beautiful Journey

I still remember this day, 3 years ago...even what I was doing around 1:30 on that day that changed everything.  It was my sister's birthday, June 10th, and she was turning 14.  Lazily I sat around on the couch, playing Super Smash Bros. on the Wii, trying to beat my previous record of how many characters I'd destroyed.  My sister, as I recall, played a bit with me, and I do remember having a lot of fun with her.  We tended to team up against annoying opponents on the game, totally annihilating anyone who stood in our way. :)  Not long after Aspenn, the birthday girl, stopped playing video games with me, I got kind of restless.  And, I will never forget what happened next.  The Spirit gave me the craziest prompting I think I've ever had - mostly because I wasn't ready, and otherwise because I did not see what good it would do.  I was prompted to post a statement on Facebook about being gay and Mormon, so that others would be touched by what I said.  At first, even though I'm a very bold, confident man, I resisted that prompting very strongly.  I said to myself (or maybe to the Spirit, or both), "You know, there is absolutely NO point to me doing this.  And, who knows how people are going to react?!"  But, for the next few hours, the Spirit kept nudging, poking, and prodding me to do it.  Finally, I yielded.  "Here goes my reputation," I said, then half-seriously, "but I guess there's nothing wrong with blowing it to hell for God's purposes."  My hands sweaty and shaking, I sat down at my parents' kitchen table after requesting to use my father's laptop.  With a pounding heart, I simply began to type, because I had NO idea what to plan on saying.  I just let it all out, explaining to everyone that I was gay, was still going to stay strong with the LDS Church, and that the Lord had asked me to reveal it.  How I wished I hadn't been asked to do it!  But, the response of love I got was overwhelming.  Indeed, as I just now took the time to read the post from 3 years ago, I am overwhelmed by joy and gratitude, seeing all the people who loved me back then, and who still love me now.   In this post, I just want to discuss where I've come from, and then tie that back into what I normally speak about, that is, a helpful principle or two for my LGBT+ Mormon friends.

Though like 95% of the responses to me coming out on Facebook were positive, I had at least one that was pretty ugly.  My great-uncle messaged me privately, accusing me of being a "fraud" and "untrue to myself", because of my religiously devout attitude.  Because it was such an emotionally raw time, I am not proud to say my reaction was pretty negative.  I fought back with both religious and logical messages, defending where I was coming from and pushing him away.  Eventually, I blocked him on Facebook because I could not handle it anymore.  That ended, but that certainly wasn't the end of things.  You see, a handful of friends started acting different when they asked about my Facebook post.  They still acted weird about it even after I explained where I was coming from.  Needless to say, those friends are not my friends anymore.  I firmly believe Proverbs 17:17, which says, "A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity". That is my philosophy I live by with friendship, and nobody gets an exception.  Naturally, I apply it with wisdom, but I do not give people room to be ignorant and callous to the point of personal self-injury.  I simply release such people into the world, allowing them to do as they will without harming me any longer.  To continue, though, let me just expound on a few other negative moments.  I am not going to paint my journey with being a gay Mormon man all pretty and pristine.  It has been anything but that in the last 3 years. I've had friends tell me they did not want to hang out 1 on 1, despite knowing my character for a while, and then be rejected by those same friends.  I was banned from the Ogden Institute partly due to homophobia (see my last post), and I've had people gossip about me when I have been disfellowshipped from the Church.  There have been friends and family who have believed it inappropriate to hang out with guy friends alone, or some who have said I could "choose" to be straight, or to "reduce" my attractions simply by willpower.  And, shortly after this Facebook post business, the Spirit prompted me to come out to my ward in sacrament meeting.  Some gossiped about me in my ward when I did that, which didn't surprise me when a friend told me about that years later.  I had a feeling it was happening anyway, but I held my head up high.

You see, my point in blogging about such ugly behavior is not to get people to pity me.  Far from it.  I want to illustrate that I have been through some pretty hellish stuff with my sexuality, in and out of the Church, and that nobody should use it as a crutch.  Believe me, being bipolar, and having dealt with anxiety, depression, and a profound lack of social skills, I understand that journeying with this can be inexplicably difficult and heart-wrenching.  But, everyone is journeying on a hard journey, and being gay is NOT harder than other life experiences, religious or not.  Nobody has a harder difficulty than another, because opposition is tailored to a person's ability to bear it.  What one man deals with, another could not, and vice versa.  Doesn't mean one is "stronger" or "more righteous" or "better" than the other, not at all.  Beyond that, I want to illustrate with those words and upcoming words that ANYONE can progress and grow in beauty with their sexual orientation.  ANYONE can forget the haters, turn their back on gossipy people, and search out the family and friends who will support them!  I don't give a crap if you're LDS, Buddhist, Muslim, or atheist, if you're LGBT+ you have something to contribute to society!  And you have beauty within, more than you might realize or give yourself credit for.  There is power in claiming this rainbow-colored piece of yourself, and saying, "Yeah, I'm (insert identity here), but I am owning it and telling myself today that I can be confident in it!  I can love people, and make a difference!"  I am of the firm conviction - and you'll see why as you read on - that God has sent LGBT+ people into this world to show us all how to love, and to live in a way that is pleasing to God.  If you have ever been at a gathering of good-mannered, civilized LGBT+ people, the spirit of love there is overwhelming.  My rainbow-hearted people are friendly, good-natured, and welcoming to all who attend their gatherings, from what I have seen, provided they are also being at least respectful, if not of the same spirit themselves.

Now, I want to share some moments of beauty, which (for the most part) I have seldom told to anyone.  I believe the Lord wants me to share them with all of you, my readers, so please read them with a heart committed to be respectful.  My first experience dates back to when I was really first realizing I was gay.  At the Ogden Institute, through choir, I had met a man named Ryan who is literally one of the most Christlike men I have ever been blessed to know.  He and I bonded pretty quickly, and he would sometimes invite me over to his house.  Trouble was, I wasn't sure what my sexuality meant, and I also was VERY bipolar back then.  Notwithstanding this, though, I rarely saw any anger or frustration from Ryan, even when I'd show up at his house at like 10pm during the semester, or when I asked for a priesthood blessing like twice a month.  He was one of the first people I came out to, and even then, he still let me rest my head on his shoulder as he did homework, and still let me hug him quite often.  I loved him, so much.  Though he did get married after almost 2 years of knowing him, I knew the Lord had sent him into my life.  His love helped temper some of the temptations I dealt with back then, caused by both my sexuality and unchecked mental illness.  Another time, about a year ago, I met a beautiful man (both inside and out) named David.  After I started hanging out with David, because he was handsome and very, very kind, I started to get a crush on him.  David wanted to hang out with me, and invited me one Sunday to go to a festival with him, after church.  I did, but on the way, I got all jittery and kinda depressed about my crush, and I requested to go home.  The Spirit urged me to speak with David about it, and I resisted.  Eventually, though, I yielded as I was getting out of the car.  I told David privately what I was feeling, and when I was done, he said, "You don't need to worry at all about being someone else around me.  I'm still your friend, and I still love you man."  Then, he brought me in for a hug, and held me for a little bit.  In that moment, I loved him more than I can express.  Then, we went to the festival and had a marvelous time.

I have had even more beautiful experiences since, but I am not really in a place to share them.  Such experiences only warrant sharing in very, very special moments, and this isn't one of them.  Suffice it to say though, that God has given me platonic, godly male to male affection, both emotional and physical, which I sought since I first realized I was gay at 18.  Never did I believe I could obtain such closeness with men, though I did thirst after and yearn for it constantly.  But, it was when I started to love myself as a gay man, as well as a devout Mormon, that I arrived at a good enough place emotionally and socially where God deemed me ready to handle such friendships.  I reflect on my journey, from 2013 to now, and I see a man who used to shame himself for lack of friends, get down on himself because of mental illness, and worse.  I see a man who cried out for intimacy with friends and even family, and did not obtain it because he was not yet prepared to venture forward into such uncharted, deep waters.  Now, I see a man who is confident, surrounded by amazing guy friends and girl friends, and who reaches out with compassion to those plagued by mental illness, because he is stable himself.  I think back to that day 3 years ago, and I bless God for urging me to share of myself, because I have had people indicate they were blessed by me coming out on Facebook, and by starting my blog which I was prompted to start immediately following my coming out post.  And, while helping so many others by my boldness, I have helped myself perhaps more than anyone else.  This blog and my regular posts about my sexuality help me to navigate the occasionally confusing and anxiety-provoking journey it is.  I have explored so many nooks and crannies about this spiritual and sexual journey that I almost feel like I've satisfied the majority of questions anyone could have.  But, because life marches on and changes to my view, I keep asking questions and keep exploring answers.  Thank you for reading, my dear friends.  I love you guys!  Until next time...

Imperfection and "Idiocy" in Church Leaders

I'll never forget the night my stake president came to my ward FHE, because I knew the dreaded news he was going to deliver.  My intuition was yelling it in my ear, but naturally I stayed in denial until he actually said the dreaded words.  Up until now, the Ogden LDS Institute Director had met with me a few times, giving me warnings about my "inappropriate behavior".  You see, I'd been accused of sexual harassment from other Institute students, and had legitimately homophobic complaints leveled against me.  Yet, I had been innocent this whole time, though obviously falling short in socializing at times, as does everyone.  Sitting on the train to Salt Lake City, though, I can remember that night like it only just happened a week or two ago.  My stake president gestured to me, and we walked over to a more private area.  He proceeded to take an envelope out of his suit pocket, pulling a letter out of it.

Because of the false accusations I've just mentioned, the Institute Director indicated that I was indefinitely banned from attending Institute.  Just to make clear the weight of this announcement, that was like 75% of my social life, no exaggeration.  And though I have occasionally heard stories like this from my LGBT Mormon friends, it's one of those things where you say to yourself, "Yeah, that happens, but it'll never happen to me.  That's ridiculous."  But then, it does happen, and you're left with choices not a few that fall in just a handful of categories.  At first, my reaction was feeling stabbed in the back, accompanied by anger soon after.  Ironically enough, this semester at Institute was where I had acted the most authentic, and tried to love people deeply and individually, as the Savior does for each of us.  And on an infinitely smaller scale, I was led to the slaughter just like Christ was, though He had done no wrong either.  With fierce anger, I looked my stake president in the eye and said, "You know, it's just lucky that I am the man that I am.  Otherwise, I could raise hell and rain it down on the Institute.  This is a hot topic in the media, and it is still pretty fresh from the policy change (which it was, being late December 2015).  You know what I could do here?"  He responded, "Yes, I'm aware, and I don't agree with the decision.  But it's out of my control.  There's nothing more I can do"  I sighed, and said, "Yeah, I know.  It's just really painful, you know?"  Thus began my journey of trying to sort through desires to apostasize, defame the Institute, rebel and attend anyway, and so on.  But I am not so rash.  Not usually, anyway.  ;)

For the first month or so, I battled with depression, and feelings of shame, self-blaming, anger, unforgiveness, betrayal, and loss.  Questions raced around in my head, like:  "Did I really do something so bad to create this?", and "What am I going to do about seeing my friends, and/or making new friends?", and "How could people I loved so much stab me in the back like this?", plus other questions about forgiving the very callous, unkind Institute Director, how I could reclaim my reputation, and so on.  The people involved in the decision of banning me were not all priesthood leaders, such as the director and his supervisor.  However, my stake president did not advocate for me very much when they asked his opinion.  He simply told them to do what they thought was best.  Since he and I had developed somewhat of a friendship, I felt betrayed by him, too...though not as profoundly as I did by the students of Institute, of course.  In essence, both priesthood leaders and leaders with priesthood (but not with direct stewardship over me) had acted in a very imperfect capacity, basing their decision on exaggerations and outright lies.  As a gay Mormon man, I must admit that despite my promises to God to stay faithful to Him, the openly gay community looked pretty appealing to me at this point.  Even past this month of intense emotion and inner conflict, I debated about finding a long-term relationship with a man, one I could potentially develop into a marriage.  So, thus began this ugly, dark time of faith crisis and cognitive/emotional dissonance.  People look at me now, though, and maybe wonder on occasion how I am still active in the LDS Church, and still living outside the world of gay dating, romance, and sex.  I'll attempt to explain a more relatable way for everyone.

My whole life, the Church has guided but not dictated my actions.  Previous issues with spiritual rebellion have shown as much on my part.  That guidance has sunk deep into my heart, creating a very powerful and resilient devotion to Jesus Christ and God the Father.  It's not brainwashing or taking it on the words of others, as some would suppose.  Rather, it is something I cannot abandon because I have inseparably intertwined it into every aspect of my life.  It's part of me, in every way.  That is the first reason why I didn't allow others' imperfection and "idiocy" to drive me out of my spiritual journey with God, as I have previously experienced it in the LDS Church.  Second of my reasons is the people, oddly enough.  Though it's inescapably true that you get uneducated, judgmental, and cruel people in the LDS Church, it's also undeniably true that you get those people in every religion and spiritual following, Christian or not.  Wherever I go for religious and/or spiritual fulfillment and guidance, it'll be found everywhere to some degree or another.  Since I consider myself a very positive and resilient man, I figured I might as well stick with what has worked before, instead of searching for that social networking elsewhere.  Some of my closest and most virtuous of friends have come out of my religion, indeed, the majority of them have.  Why go elsewhere?  The glass is full somewhere, whether it's at half or not is irrelevant.  I choose to focus on what I do have in my social experience with the LDS Church, as a practice of love and gratitude I apply to not just my religious and spiritual life, but everywhere else, too.  And my final, major reason is simply because I'm a stubborn mule.  Just because someone tells me that I'm done with the Ogden LDS Institute, doesn't mean that I'm gonna let them tell me how to live out the rest of my relationship with Jesus Christ.  That's a personal matter, one that I'm totally unwilling to let others tell me how to create and cultivate.

The real question of this post, then, is how do you move forward in a situation similar to mine, whether more severe or less so?  I don't think there is really a universally applicable set of answers for us all.  Everyone is different, and so everyone has to find that for themselves.  But, I will say that you can ask yourself, "Why am I still doing this?  If I look into the very center of my heart, what drives me to say, 'I'm going to keep doing this, even though it hurts like hell' ?"  I promise, if you look deep inside, you'll find at least a couple of very powerful reasons why you will keep going to church despite careless and maybe malicious remarks a leader makes, whether in Relief Society, sacrament meeting, or one-on-one.  Regardless of that homophobic sister or elder, the dumb remarks people make about gay marriage, LGBT Mormons, or whatever else people say that stings/cuts deep, you will in turn, say within, "Because of __ , I am not going to let that person dictate what my relationship to the Church and with my Savior, Jesus Christ looks like.  I will continue to enjoy __ about the gospel."  That statement calls up another thing you can do, generally speaking.  You can look deep inside your heart, and ask what it is you love MOST about the gospel.  Not what people say matters most or should matter to you, but what makes your heart rejoice, feel peace, feel love, and all that good stuff.  Why do YOU love the gospel?  And when you find those handful of things, I would say, "Awesome!  You stick with those things, because you know they're good and true.  Believe that stuff while you're hurting, and try to open up to the other stuff when you're ready."  I have faith that we can raise our souls so high, that the offenses of others cannot reach them.  And, at some point, you may say to someone through tears, as I did with my dear mother, "I know this hurts, but I will not let this ruin my relationship with Christ.  I won't."  Until next time... love you guys! <3

P.S. Here's the newspaper article about that story with Institute, if you have questions/are interested:

http://www.standard.net/Faith/2016/03/20/Homophobia-or-behavior-issues-Ogden-man-banned-from-LDS-Institute-of-Religion