The Forbidden Book - Part 2

Here, I finish up my clarification of some controversial writings put out by Spencer W. Kimball while he was an apostle in the LDS Church.  Moving forward in some of his most "provoking" remarks, we see that he emphasizes the seriousness of homosexuality as a lifestyle, then states that justifying oneself in its "perversion" is almost as serious in terms of sinfulness.  To start with what might be irritating to some, I looked up the word "perversion" online with Merriam-Webster.  Its definition states that a perversion is sexual behavior that people think is not normal or natural.  Though the LDS Church understandably has a somewhat shady history in their approach, verbal or otherwise, to homosexuality, I cannot help but notice that do so many other sects of Christianity.  Indeed, I would argue that the whole of Christianity has typically shown some degree of prejudice or bias against homosexuality overall.  From a neutral, objective viewpoint, I see it, as a practice, violating the most fundamental beliefs of Christianity.  Now, so do the attitudes of fear, hatred, prejudice, and so forth of people who claim to be Christian.  My point?  Calling homosexuality a "perversion" is not a slur against those who identify as homosexual under some label or another.  Rather, it is an affirmation of belief in a Christian sect, from a leader who happens to also be LDS.  Also, within the context of this remark is that he was emphasizing the detrimental effects of self-justification, which is not only true for homosexuality, but also for every other behavior Christianity deems as sin.  With that aside, then, let's move forward into the real meat of this quote.

President Kimball states firstly that many have been misinformed that they are powerless in this matter.  For some, they believe President Kimball is stating that sexuality is a choice.  However, if one interprets this as him stating that any LGBT Mormon can choose to live a life centered on the teachings of Jesus Christ, then that makes much more sense.  Any attraction or temptation does not hold such power that it overrides human choice.  Now, freedom can be limited, which is the power to carry out a choice one has made inside the mind, a choice that hasn't yet been executed.  But, an infinite God whose power extends beyond the limitations of mortality can give sufficient strength for a mortal to live virtuously under any circumstances.  Regardless of what the oppositional experience might be, we can honestly ask ourselves, "is anything too hard for the Lord?" (Gen. 18:14)  There is no situation in life in which any individual is completely powerless.  If a human being is sentient and intelligent enough to choose to act on feelings of homosexuality, the opposite must also be true - even if it is like walking upstream versus floating downstream.  Both are still possible, though one requires greater fortitude and perseverance.



Next, we read the troubling statement that LGBT individuals are misinformed that they "are not responsible for this tendency".  This one is tricky, and I do not blame anyone for misinterpreting it.  At first glance, this might imply what the first one could - that people choose their attractions, or that they haven't worked hard enough to be heterosexual.  It places the burden of these attractions' creation in the hands of the individual who is currently experiencing them.  Again, though, we must look at the meaning of a key phrase in this quote, so as to reveal context and true intent from the author.  The phrase "not responsible for" indicates that there is a person to assume responsibility for something else, whether within (as in emotion) or externally.  Let's take a commonplace example. Perhaps you had chores to complete or maybe you assign chores to your children.  Sometimes, when someone requests another to do a chore for them, the other replies, "No.  That is not my responsibility."  This reply exemplifies the true meaning of the statement, "not responsible for", because one person is telling another, "I am not responsible for your chores you have to do."  Thus, President Kimball is telling us that it is false to assume that we have no responsibility, or, accountability, in relation to what we do with our sexual orientation.  This centers again on the truth that we always have a choice in how we act in any circumstance, whether it's about sexuality or not.

Continuing forward, he declares that people are misinformed who say "God made me this way."  Of all the arguments that one could take one, this one probably is among the most sensitive.  However, I must say that I agree with President Kimball when he says it is a lie and blasphemy to say such.  We are created in the image of God, a heterosexual being who married a woman.  That is why LDS people believe in a Heavenly Mother.  I see this as the strongest reason for discarding the falsehood of being "born that way".  Also, with something that is so directly tied into our eternal destiny as children of God, I do not believe God would give one of His children such an unfair disadvantage upon entering this life.  Some of God's children inherit physical disabilities, others, mental illnesses.  Yet, to allow a child to be attracted to the same gender from birth seems to strike an improper chord with me.  Now, this second part beyond being created in God's image is just my opinions and speculations.  At the deepest of all my reasons for disbelieving in the "born that way" argument is the feelings of the Spirit I get when I consider that being "born that way" might be a reality.  It does not feel right.  I have always said, though, all this solemn philosophizing aside, that it does not matter if we are born this way, it matters what we do with it once we know it's an experience we have.  I can preoccupy my mind with more petty matters of being born gay, or I can center my mind on Christ and how I can be more like Him.  Personally, I view the latter as being more productive in terms of my salvation and exaltation.

Finally, we read one statement which seems to jab at every little to big sore our LGBT experience creates.  In seeming ignorance and mockery, he writes, "...let this individual repent of his perversion, force himself to return to normal pursuits and interests and actions and friendships with the opposite sex, and this normal pattern can become natural again."  I would ask us to approach this in context, while also looking at the proper meanings of words.  Just before this, President Kimball writes about mutual masturbation and lavishing time, affection, and gifts on someone of the same sex.  In other words, this is same-sex attraction in a deviant sense - one not really created from initial attraction, but more from excessive energy combined with an inappropriate sexual practice.  I've written before about different components of attraction (see my post, "In Love, Loving, and Chemical Romance") and how they can be confused with one another.  An infatuation, combined with lust (i.e., chemical romance), can imitate tendencies of homosexuality.  It would make sense, at least to me, that if someone devoted both sexual and emotional energy into a new relationship -speaking generally, not romantically - with someone of the same sex, it could create an attraction similar to, but not the same as, same-sex attraction.  It's more the undecided human heart and the proverbial tumbling-dryer of the mind fabricating something that strongly resembles homosexuality.  I believe President Kimball is speaking of the sort of attractions created by experimentation and emotional preoccupation with the same sex, not the ones people experience naturally as part of the course of life.  Thus, he urges that this individual repent of their sexual sin, push himself to pursue the opposite sex again, and watch the normal pattern of things return.  I have seen this more than once with men who, out of curiosity and not initial attraction, got caught up in gay pornography.  Once they rid themselves of their addiction, their attractions to men completely vanished.  A few I mentioned have gone on to marry and raise families.  So, this does happen.  It's not a quote about repenting of feeling attraction for the same sex, forcing oneself to pursue the opposite sex, and then changing orientation by making that "normal" for them.  Difficult to see, perhaps, but liberating once realized.

With this particular chapter in "The Miracle of Forgiveness", LGBT Mormons can choose to be offended, hurt, and angry, or they can delve deeper for understanding and find peace in President Kimball's words.  What a difference interpreting things correctly can make!  We go from seeing a chapter of so-called bigotry, hate, misunderstanding, ignorance, and so on, to a chapter all about seeking Christ, repenting, staying close to our Heavenly Father, and the importance of properly using agency.  For LGBT Mormons like me who want to live the gospel, we always, always, always emphasize the importance of agency and accountability in our journeys together.  The mission of North Star talks about believing that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can make it possible for us to joyfully and meaningfully live the gospel.  What does that tell you?  For those of us who understand the reality of His sacrifice and His grace, we know it IS possible to live the gospel while being LGBT.  It's more difficult than words can express at times, though, and honestly I believe that is what President Kimball is understanding and communicating between the lines.  Why else would he clarify truths regarding agency, accountability, our identity as sons and daughters of God, and all the rest of it?  I see an apostle of Christ trying to show us the most important truths we need to lead that joyful, meaningful life that North Star talks about.  It might take a bit of work to see beyond the rough edges of his words, but I am glad I had this opportunity to show everyone what he truly meant.  Remember, doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.  This apostle knew what he was talking about.  Love you guys!!! :) :) :)

Opening the Forbidden Book - Part 1

For members and nonmembers alike, "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by President Spencer W. Kimball (an apostle when he wrote it) has always drawn differing amounts of amusement, attention, contempt, and the like.  Most know why.  Throughout this entire book, it seems as though President Kimball enumerates just about every kind of sin mankind commits, using bold, strong language to condemn all of it and outline in plain terms why repentance for all sin is completely essential for everyone.  It leaves no doubts in the reader's mind as to what is right and wrong, at least from an LDS perspective anyway.  Church members such as me commonly express its uncanny ability to incite guilt, no matter how well we think we are living the principles of our religion.  Human imperfection will always leave gaps between what God has commanded us to do, and what we are currently doing.  Personally, I love this book because it ends on a very profound note of love, hope, and mercy promised through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  It also causes me to look deep within my spirit, and find the darkness there  I had not previously seen.  Thus, I can improve upon my sins and weaknesses, drawing closer to Jesus Christ and creating a purer relationship with Him.  But, like many LGBT Mormons, I struggled with one chapter in particular, a chapter that I know many have come to purposefully ignore/forget about, or even fiercely hate.  Understandably, this chapter from "The Miracle of Forgiveness" would provoke such a reaction, if interpreted from a different perspective.  My purpose today, though, is to tame this literary lion, by offering a new perspective on what President Kimball truly meant when he wrote this, based on verbatim quotes and context clues, not speculation.

For a moment, I am going to take the standpoint of those offended by these words, and consider why they could be so very upsetting to many.  Verbally playing on the "opposite team" here, I feel, will better illustrate the overall picture.  Essentially, I'm being the devil's advocate.  To start, this chapter is entitled, "Crime Against Nature".  Really? What  kind of person calls being gay a "crime against nature"?  After all, it's not like gay people can help being gay, any more than a straight person can help being straight!  Plus, what "crime" is there in being gay?  It's not like it's some extreme violation against the laws of nature to be gay or anything.  Nature continues on in its course, and all is well with the world still, I think.  To me, it seems like the word "nature" also could mean not just Mother Nature, but also the nature of humanity, meaning that heterosexuality is what is "normal", and so gay people are in the wrong for being who they are!  What a sad existence for gay people, then, if we cannot simply be who we are without being some kind of abomination or violation in the balance of society.  Sure, we cannot have children, but we can adopt and raise kids just like straight couples can. We're not exactly creepy either (for the most part), so why the attitude of rejection and ostracizing in American society?  But it gets even better throughout this whole chapter.  Here's a few quotes that just make my skin crawl with disgust:

"Homosexuality is an ugly sin, repugnant to those who find no temptation in it, as well as to many past offenders who are seeking a way out of its clutches."

And, with a subtitle of "Curable and Forgivable - With Effort" (shudder), he says,

"After consideration of the evil aspects, the ugliness and prevalence of the evil of homosexuality, the glorious thing to remember is that it is curable and forgivable."  Wow.  That is revolting.

And another..."Next in seriousness to nonrecognition of the sin is the attempt to justify oneself in this perversion. Many have been misinformed that they are powerless in the matter, not responsible for the tendency, and that "God made them that way." This is as untrue as any other of the diabolical lies Satan has concocted. It is blasphemy. Man is made in the image of God. Does the pervert think God to be 'that way'?"

Plus, my favorite: "...let this individual repent of his perversion, force himself to return to normal pursuits and interests and actions and friendships with the opposite sex, and this normal pattern can become natural again."

Now, returning to my normal tone of writing... The key to understanding the context of this is simple. The writer, President Spencer W. Kimball, was either speaking of homosexuality as a one-package deal - attractions, romantic involvement, sex, etc - or he was speaking of the practice of homosexuality, separating it from the attractions that lead to the practice.  But how does one tell? Context clues.  And these quotes, my dear readers, are rife with those.  First, we have homosexuality being called "an ugly sin, repugnant to those who find no temptation in it."  This is an introductory quote, taken from the beginning of only the 2nd paragraph.  In writing a book such as this, the author will almost always introduce their main ideas in the first two paragraphs. Here is one, defining homosexuality as a sin and a temptation, separate from one other.  It outlines those who practice it, and those who do not because they find no temptation in it.  Now, would it not be possible for someone tempted by something to not do it?  Of course!  People do it all the time, even non-religious people, like people giving up drugs or ceasing to drink alcohol.  So, homosexuality could be defined as either a practice or a temptation?  Interesting how President Kimball makes that distinction in his opening remarks of this chapter.  Such is the first key to understanding the context of these writings on homosexuality by President Kimball.  Moving on...

Second, homosexuality is described as "curable and forgivable - with effort"  From an all-in-one package view, I would be just as angry, sarcastic, and belligerent as the man I was pretending to be as the "devil's advocate" earlier.  I do not blame people in the least who are viewing it from that perspective, because I would feel exactly the same way and probably with even more intensity.  But, I have chosen to view it as a split-up package, where it here means attractions, and where LGBT Mormons are choosing to go with them.  Back to our description, then.  The word, "curable", according to merriamwebster.com, means, "possible to bring about recovery from".  Since any sin is viewed as spiritual sickness in the LDS Church, to some degree or another, it is an apt definition to call the practice of homosexuality curable.  Some would take this word, run with it, and cry out, "President Kimball taught Mormons that being gay is changeable!  He said they can become straight if they want to!!"  Naturally, viewed from this perspective, of course it looks that way, because typically this word means to get rid of an undesirable condition.  However, when homosexuality is viewed here as a practice, I see it under LDS belief as being a sickness of the spirit because of spiritual bondage from sin.  Not an advocacy for changing sexual orientation.  This leads perfectly into the next part of the phrase, "and forgivable -with effort".  Since LDS people believe repentance (seeking forgiveness from God) is a process, it does take considerable effort sometimes, especially if the sin is sexual in nature.  Unfortunately, because of suppressed passions and the like, homosexuality in practice often creates much sexual sin to be repented of, and it takes a lot of effort as a result to reverse that spiritual damage sin creates.  LDS people are not strangers to work when it comes to obtaining forgiveness from Heavenly Father.  We believe it is necessary, so we can come to a better place of spiritual purity and understanding.  More on this subject in my next post... love you guys!!! :)

Your Rainbow Vision

In the film, "The Secret", discussing a new age principle called the Law of Attraction, they speak about a vision board.  It's simply a large poster board or whiteboard where you place quotes, pictures, or anything else that gives you a strong mental image of your various dreams, goals, desires, and so forth.  That way, according to this belief system, you'll attract what you want into your life by virtue of the positive images you're holding continually in your mind.  For some, it sounds like nonsense because they do not think it logical.  How could the practice of looking daily at symbols of what you want accomplish anything but wishful thinking, they say.  Regardless of what you or I think about the Law of Attraction, it is true that whatever we hold in our mind most will shape who we are.  It won't necessarily change who we are, but it will certainly influence our identity.  Now, digging a little deeper, suppose we as LGBT Mormons started changing our thinking, if only as an experiment?  Without resistance or bias, we could adjust our mindset and see what life gives to us as a result.  Of course, I am not suggesting that altering our thought processes will change orientation, banish mental illness, or anything of the sort.  Rather, I am offering up the idea that maybe changing one's thoughts, over a lengthy period of time, can alter the course of life for the better.

Naturally, not everyone reading this article desires the typical, faithful Mormon lifestyle.  Maybe a few of my readers are looking to better understand how they might align their lives to the course of a celibate same-sex relationship, or how to be at peace as they take a break from the LDS Church, while they work out their concerns regarding sexual orientation.  Whatever your reason, dear reader, for approaching my article, I am confident that it'll send you in a better direction.  You see, in every course of action, those who actually make it to the end of that course have a set image in their minds of what it'll look like for them.  For example, the athlete who is trying to run a 7-minute mile instead of a 10-minute mile keeps that goal fixed in his mind.  In the coming days and weeks, he challenges himself again and again, to train his body into having that goal realized.  If that vision in his mind stays constant, he'll eventually get there because desire + application = eventual results.  But, how does that relate to this whole LGBT Mormon experience thing?  As if sports and sexuality really have anything in common...

“Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.”  

 – Proverbs 29:18

Fortunately, they do share at least one area of common ground.  Wherever you are centering your focus is where you're going to head.  That's why sailors use Polaris (the North Star) as a guiding light, because it's in a fixed, constant position.  How about spiritual, sexual, emotional, and mental goals?  Naturally, things like addiction, mental illness, and life circumstances can hedge up our journey we're trying to create, but such obstacles can either fuel our passion or extinguish it.  Though I firmly and wholly believe in the grace of Jesus Christ to give us power to move forward, I also believe in the necessity of personal action, however small or large, we are able to offer.  Our Heavenly Father gave us the Savior to strengthen our spiritual muscles enough to walk forward, but not for the purpose of effortless, meaningless growth.  The most resilient and significant spiritual strength arises from our personal choices to press forward amid opposition of all kinds.  Now, to get more specific.

In my personal experience, I had a time where I really struggled to reconcile my sexuality with how I personally felt about what it would look like and mean for me - my social life, church, friendships, and so on. I had no definitive picture of what I wanted all those areas of my life to look like and mean, and so that really exacerbated my stress over it.    Over the course of a couple years, I tried to define what it would look like and mean for me to identify as gay, and SSA, since I use the terms interchangeably to mean that I was attracted to men sexually and emotionally.  However, it was only when I really got into the nitty-gritty of sexual orientation terminology, how I felt about it, what I perceived others to think of said terms, and more, that I started establishing a clear vision of what it meant for me.  As a result, after I established that vision of what it meant for me, my anxieties concerning my sexuality dissipated and I entered into a place of personal peace.  That was when life got much better as far as being religious as a Mormon, while also being gay. If religiosity is not presently your journey, still this tool can work for you because you'll have a honed-in focus on what you want.  With that focus, you'll get where you want in time because desire + application = eventual results.

Decide to define your vision, whether on a poster board or simply in your mind,  so that you can keep the law of truth in your journey, as Proverbs declares.  That way, you won't feel like you're spiritually, sexually, physically, etc. dying in the journey, since you'll have something to look forward to, and a beautiful place to arrive at.  Until next time...

What I Deserve...

Sometimes, in the instantly gratifying world we live in, people grow impatient because they aren't getting the time, resources, material goods, food, or whatever else they say they "deserve".  In the news online, on TV, or in the newspaper, one can easily spot the attitude of people thinking they somehow just by existing, they inherently deserve this or that.  Often, I have heard individuals express disgust and contempt for those who take advantage of government welfare, even though they do not need it.  Undoubtedly, such people who are truly "working the system" have an attitude like this, in some way.  But the important and meaningful question here isn't whether or not this person or that person is acting as though they deserve something. Rather, I would ask the question, why does it bother us so much in society when someone is unjustly using the welfare system?  I would submit that our consciences tell us that such assistance is for those who really are in need, like the elderly, the disabled, and those who have hit a tough spot.  It is not fair for people to use something not intended for them, just as it would not be fair for someone to take personal belongings of ours, since they did not buy them.  We did.  Let's dig into the relevance of this a bit, then.  While we, whether LGBT and Mormon or not, complain about those committing such atrocities, we ourselves are doing the exact same thing.  Each day, in our conversations, at work, on little trips to the store, or elsewhere, this attitude somehow sneaks into our personal living.

I imagine that some people have become indignant or skeptical at this point, perhaps both.  Huffing in irritation, such readers are probably thinking, "Well, he's got this all wrong.  I am a good person, I help and love people, do good at my job, and whatnot.  Who does he think he is?"  Shamelessly, I confess that it does not make sense to anyone who has read thus far.  I catch myself in this mindset quite frequently, sometimes every day, if only for a few moments or so.  Recently, it took over my life for a few weeks and wreaked havoc on my social relationships.  This attitude, which destroys relationships if left unchecked and causes all kinds of grief in our lives, is that of entitlement.  More specifically to us, it is the attitude of entitlement towards love, given and received.  What examples could I possibly give, then?  Here are a few that I've thought up:

- Your mother telling you she's entitled to your time, and/or to give you advice, since she raised you and provided for you growing up.
- Expecting a friend to do __  because you did __  recently for him or her.
- Thinking that someone "should" be friends with you, because you did this or act like that.
-  Believing that pure love can equal others reciprocating that love in some way or another.



And the list goes on...  Insert whatever expectation, "should-y" attitude, preconception of love, and so on that you hold in that list, and there you'll find exactly what is causing the pain in your social relationships. Many of my readers may not pursue gay relationships, but I'm sure some out there do. Orientation in relationships does not matter in terms of having things go smoothly.  What really matters is how love is being given and received, of any kind... affection, friendship, or romance.  Christ once declared, "do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be children of the Highest:  for he is kind to the unthankful and to the evil." (Luke 6:35)  Nobody is entitled to or deserving of love.  We all are worthy of it, for sure, because we all are children of our Heavenly Father.  However, there is only one thing that each of us truly "deserve", in any sense, and that is the justice of God.  It is only through the intervention of the Atonement of Jesus Christ that we have hope of returning to our Heavenly Father again.  If we all got what we deserve, we would go straight to hell after we died.  As Nephi once said, to paraphrase, were it not for the mercy and grace of God, we would become like unto Satan, to be angels to him forever (see 2nd Nephi 9:8-10).

To promote healthy friendships that some SSA men and women utilize to manage their attractions, and to ensure healthy relationships of any kind, let us love unconditionally.  For those trying to live the gospel, what better tool could you have in your hands for intimate friendship, than to give love unconditionally until people can't help but feel loved by and close to you?  I can't think of any.  To everyone, let's not think either that we are entitled to the love of others in any way, or that we are justified in placing expectations (not to be confused with moral standards) on others before or during a friendship/relationship.  I once read a quote that said, "Give love without any expectation of receiving it again, and your life will never be the same".  I personally can attest to the truth of this statement, because the more I live my life with that sort of love, the better my social experience is.  I think it is hard to live by that small phrase, "charity seeketh not her own", but when love is given freely for the joy of it, others sense that and relationships flourish marvelously.  What each of us deserves is justice and subsequently, hell.  By practicing this principle, however, we can create heaven here and more fully ensure our inheritance of eternal life after this life ends.

Love you guys! Until next time...

Cinderella's Mistake

In the beautiful movie Cinderella which recently came out, most people adore this simple quote at the beginning from the mother, which says, "I want to tell you a secret - something that will see you through all the trials life has to offer.  Have courage, and be kind."  At first, I too was enamored by this quote, bedazzled by its "wisdom" and goodness.  My brother pointed out how shallow the movie supposedly was, with one person falling in love with another over physical appearance.  Because I loved the movie, I simply brushed it off, and continued to enjoy the lessons I thought I had learned from the plot.  At the same time, though, I couldn't help but start wondering in the back of my mind if my brother was right.  Furthermore, I soon thereafter finished a profound book by C.S. Lewis called, "The Problem of Pain", which discusses the nature of kindness.  One quote stuck out to me in particular, which declares:

"There is kindness in Love: but Love and kindness are not coterminous, and when kindness... is separated from the other elements of Love, it involves a certain fundamental indifference to its object, and even something like contempt of it.  Kindness consents very readily to the removal of its object — we have all met people whose kindness to animals is constantly leading them to kill animals lest they should suffer.  Kindness, merely as such, cares not whether its object becomes good or bad, provided only that it escapes suffering.  As Scripture points out, it is bastards who are spoiled: the legitimate sons, who are to carry on the family tradition, are punished [Hebrews 12:8].  It is for people whom we care nothing about that we demand happiness on any terms: with our friends, our lovers, our children, we are exacting and would rather see them suffer much than be happy in contemptible and estranging modes.  If God is Love, He is, by definition, something more than mere kindness.  And it appears, from all the records, that though He has often rebuked us and condemned us, He has never regarded us with contempt.  He has paid us the intolerable compliment of loving us, in the deepest, most tragic, most inexorable sense."

Due to the blunt, down-to-earth nature of this quote, I couldn't get it out of my head - especially its relevance to SSA, which I'll weave in at the end.  Over and over again, I pondered about it as it applied to nearly every facet of my life. A few points from this have really hit home for me, aside from all the eloquence and fluff. First, C.S. Lewis states that Love - emphasizing its importance and superseding nature by capitalization - is not coterminous with kindness. The word coterminous doesn't mean synonymous, exactly. It means "having the same extent of scope or duration", which I take to mean "of the same depth and extent of meaning" in this context. It's similar to the word synonymous, but with greater profundity. In other words, this implies that not only do Love and kindness not mean the same thing, but also that Love is deeper and richer than kindness alone is. I've realized this truth. Jesus Christ wasn't just "nice" to people, as we so often hear as the maxim for living today. He put Himself out there, served people, made sacrifices, and showed love in individualized ways according to how people felt love.

Second, when separated from other elements of Love (i.e., what Paul preached about in 1st Corinthians 13 and Mormon in Moroni 7), kindness involves a certain fundamental indifference to its object, and even something like contempt of it. Essentially, C.S. Lewis is speaking of people who are nice to others, but don't really show love to everyone. They love the people who are convenient to love, easy to love, or fun to love, but everyone else gets the regular dose of kindness. Sound familiar? Examples might include the small-talk conversation in church, politeness you give to that certain person you secretly dislike, or the things you do to avoid someone who is (characteristic you don't like/hate).  It's a very convenient way of telling oneself that you're keeping your baptismal covenant and living by your conscience, while really offering a shallow imitation of love. Notably though, our covenants say nothing of kindness; they only speak of love.

Interestingly enough, charity will teach you genuine kindness, since that's one of the many qualities it embodies. However, you cannot become loving by simply being kind. C.S. Lewis also mentions this virtue-detached kindness results in something like contempt for its object, or, who you're showing kindness to in other words. I think what he is speaking of is that grudging, inward groaning feeling you get when you say to yourself, "Oh no, I have to be nice to this person again?" But you think you're covenant-keeping, so you say, "Well, it's what Christ would do..." or something like that, and so you do it. I'm not speaking directly to anyone, by the way.  This is a universal statement applicable to me and everyone else.  What I'm getting at is that Satan is teaching the world to imitate love through kindness, since he is very good at imitations and he understands you can't become loving by the medium of virtue-detached kindness. The recent movie, "Cinderella", comes to mind, even though it's just one example among many.  She made a colossal mistake in making kindness as her god of virtues, because in the end, her kindness ran out and only the fairy-tale prince saved her from dire circumstances. 

Third, and finally, the last one is that kindness consents readily to the removal of its object. After a time of showing virtue-detached kindness, something like contempt sets in, you grow weary of well-doing, and sometimes you'll start finding fault with the individual you're showing kindness to. I've experienced this before, not so much recently, but still, I've experienced it. Kindness when given as a stand-alone virtue, or even a virtue given with few other virtues, still is weak and cannot fulfill the covenant duties given to us by the Savior. If kindness is so important in practice by itself, as the world preaches, then why do the scriptures not mention it very frequently? In all the standard works, if you were to take the statistics of how many times the words "kind", "kindness", and so forth were written and spoken, versus how many times the words, "love", "charity", and such were written and spoken, what do you think the numbers would look like? I can probably name for us exactly where words related to kindness show up in the scriptures, and I'm sure it's less than 10. On the other hand, I cannot number in my head how many times the words "love" and "charity" together have shown up in the word of God. Something about that speaks to me, especially since the scriptures are truth and God Himself speaking to us.  Love is emphasized more than kindness even in other religions as well.  What does that tell us, I wonder?

Regarding SSA and its application here, we frequently interact with other people also experiencing SSA and/or gender dysphoria.  I think what we should ask ourselves is, what standards are we measuring people by, and are they really influenced by the pure love of Christ?  Standards for friends, if they originate from the love of God, do not have the same qualities as expectations.  What's the difference?  Standards are morally based, but expectations are personally based.  Example:  You have a standard you hold your friends to regarding chastity and personal space, i.e., no cuddling alone together due to sexual temptation it creates.  Your friend decides to persuade you to cuddle alone together, and starts to make advances.  You put your foot down, and say no.  That's enforcing a standard, which stems from love.  However, saying your friend should look a certain way, act according to some stereotype, or do something because it serves you personally are not examples of moral standards.  You can sometimes persuade friends to do those things or similar actions, but it won't be through the medium of love.  It'll be through the medium of kindness, such as by telling someone they'd look great if they did _ , or saying someone would be more well-liked if they acted like _ .  Friends acting consistently in kindness will usually give off a sense of indifference about the "connection" you have, if any, they pass kindness off as love because it's somehow "helping" people (making others more popular, beautiful, charismatic, etc), and if you don't want their friendship anymore, they usually don't care much.  If you've seen the musical, "Wicked", think of Glinda.  She's a perfect example of this type of friend.  It also cannot be overstated that some people mix love in after they've made kindness their focus.  Usually these friends can be described as that toxic friend who you're not sure about whether to get rid of or not.  It's confusing to experience love after kindness, because the order is getting mixed up!

This leads perfectly into my final point, which is that if we want to interact positively with people in the SSA community, we must leave expectations out, and only include moral standards.  If you read Paul's discourse on charity, you'll find that kindness is part of love, which is why C.S. Lewis states that there is kindness in love.  Essentially, focus on loving people according to moral standards,  and kindness will flow naturally out of that.  All the drama, judging, unforgiveness, shallowness, etc that exists in the SSA community would vanish if we could learn to love people the way Christ taught, instead of "being nice" to people the way the world currently teaches.  If you look, whether it's in movies like Cinderella or musicals like Wicked or just in general society, the message that Satan wants everybody to believe is that kindness alone can satisfy God, while validating and connecting to the human spirit.  I'm reminded of a quote by a Christian scholar, who once said, "God is easy to please, but hard to satisfy".  It is my belief that when kindness is emphasized as a stand-alone virtue, another insight of C.S. Lewis is fulfilled when he said, "Any virtue, made into a god, becomes demonized and detrimental."  On the outside, things look glittery and beautiful, especially because kind people tend to be more popular than ordinary people.  The honest question though is if they are really well-loved, because there's a difference between being popular and well-loved.  Jesus most likely emphasized love throughout the scriptures and our covenants as Latter-Day Saints not simply for the sake of obedience.  He knew that we connect to and cherish each other when we love, and partially maintain that beautiful relationship when we are kind.

So, don't make the same mistake as Cinderella.  Have courage, and be loving.  That will see you through all the trials life has to offer.   Love you guys!  Until next time...

Are YOU Exploring?

Growing up as a teenager, you think you're awesome, so you act that way in any way possible and sometimes adopt an attitude of arrogance.  To say that of myself is, at the very least, a gross understatement.  People used to hate me in high school, because I had taken on more than arrogance or an I-don't-care mindset.  Rather, I had taken on an "I'm better than you and I know it" viewpoint.  Naturally, this pissed people off and drove them away,and it caused a rather profound lack of friendship in my teenage years.  Oftentimes, I still have to kick away that attitude, simply because it is so much easier to be arrogant than it is to be humble.  In pushing that away, I've discovered something valuable - striving for humility in life often leads to better relationships with everyone, especially the Savior.  Other people can share their views without fear of criticism or hostile disagreement, and Christ can teach me wisdom with less resistance and an absence of rebelliousness.  One particular facet of this really hits close to home with same-sex attraction, however. 

It's commonplace for people first realizing they experience SSA to bury it, pretend it doesn't exist, undergo shame, and the like.  These all hold a common theme of keeping it in the dark where nobody can see.  Thus, being "in the closet" actually describes this initial stage quite well.  It could even be said that those of us who struggle later with it after being "out" that we are wrestling in a temporary closet of our own personal demons.  Naturally though, we concern ourselves primarily with keeping that door closed and locked, so that even those who know of our struggle don't view the supposedly darker, uglier aspects of our battles.  Although there are several reasons why individuals like myself have done this, I think it more productive to discuss what can be done to resolve that conflict in the closet. 

Let me introduce that with a story.  Recently, I decided that my apartment looked horrendous and needed a really deep cleaning.  I proceeded to clean my bathroom, and hesitated at my closet.  You see, my closet was so messy I could barely even open the door, and it took considerable effort to even force it open.  Plus, it had all these smaller sorts of objects, and lots of papers I hadn't gone through, like, ever.  I thought to myself, "Well, I could just leave it, since I'm not really using it anyway, or I could clean it up and have some peace of mind, plus a space to use."  With that thought, I rolled up my sleeves, got some garbage bags, and cleaned for a few hours.  In my cleaning/exploration of my closet, I discovered things I'd forgotten about, and even some things I sorely needed for practical purposes.  I made some piles, and much of what I found in there went in the garbage straight off.  Other things, I was undecided about and so I left them there to re-consider at some future point.  By the time I completed my monumental task, my closet looked rather organized, and I was pleased with myself quite a lot.  However, it had created somewhat of a mess outside in my room, which was fine.  I organized all that into a garbage box, and resolved it that way.  Thus, my closet was clean and I felt happier because I'd taken the time and effort required to make it so. 

Similarly, each of us who identifies as gay or same-sex attracted arrives at a point where we know that we gotta look inside our closet and tidy things up.  There's piles of emotion, stacks of thoughts, and small little objects of our questions, desires, concerns with religious/spiritual beliefs, flagrant shame, and worry over people finding out.  All of these are legitimate issues, and all of them create conflict inside of us.  Our first instinct is to run away from the mess inside our hearts and minds, to pretend as though everything is fine or something like that.  But it sits there, maybe growing, maybe not, ever gnawing at our psyche and creating a deep craving for self-acceptance and peace.  For one reason or another, though, we squash it down and push it away.  We smile and say that our closet is neat and clean, as though some phantom Martha Stewart waltzed in and tidied it up ever so nicely while we weren't looking.  But what's the real truth?  It hurts and causes misery.  Outwardly, I used to smile and wave as though my closet were a decorated accessory on a parade float.  I'd figuratively and literally say in some form, "See?  It's just an ordinary closet, and it just means I've got some unique 'me' stuff in there.  No need to look in; I've got this."  Inwardly, though, I was freaking out, asking myself if this was some weird form of brotherly love, or if I was actually gay.  I would scold myself and tell myself that I wasn't gay, and even if I was, I had to keep it a secret.  Eventually it got so complicated to where I acknowledged it deep down, but ignored it in my conscious mind.  It became the elephant in my closet, which I refused point-blank to say was there.  And it did hurt.  It hurt like hell, because I knew deep down I wasn't being my full, authentic self.  Truth, without validation, became misery. 

Then, one day, I decided that I would throw open the doors of my closet (in private, mind you) and explore.  This time it still hurt, but it was a good kind of hurt...the sort of hurt you have when someone gives you a nice, deep massage that's just the right amount of pressure.  It releases the inflammation and tension that is causing you pain, and so it was with this.  I placed just the right amount of pressure on myself psychologically to where I was going inside my gay closet and looking around at everything.  My then-dysfunctional relationship with my father, all the bullying in my childhood, struggles with mental illness, struggles with being gay while refusing to acknowledge it, conflicts and oppositions created once I started being real about my homosexuality, and all that went under examination.  And I'll tell you, over the course of a month or so, it caused me healthy, productive pain that I wouldn't trade for anything.  I was giving truth a voice for once, and finally its spoken word could illuminate my fallacies and foolishness.  Healing in all those areas was either completed or initiated, and I started to find balance in my sexuality and with other areas, like my mental health.  Eventually, examining everything empowered me to place it neatly on the shelves of my now ever-widening door to my closet.  It culminated in me coming out to everyone on Facebook two years ago, on June 10th, 2013.  And as an added bonus, I arrived at a place where attractive men, whether physically, emotionally, or both, didn't faze me.  I could acknowledge my attraction and/or infatuation with such men, but it no longer controlled me or my actions.  Not to say I was perfect, but I could finally be at peace with this important piece of myself. 

To conclude, it's very tempting to just suppress same-sex attraction and ignore all the inner conflict it's creating.  Sometimes, it can be highly appealing to put on the masquerade of flawless socialization, as though your problems with this don't exist or aren't all that bad.  I can testify though that our Savior Jesus Christ would never deny anything about Himself, and He never did.  Christ opened Himself up to Heavenly Father, and did what was asked of Him.  Christ was real with Himself, and with others, especially at the darkest hour of His life, in the garden of Gethsemane.  He showed the Father an unequivocal willingness to do what had to be done, but seeing that bitter cup of awful, incomprehensible anguish surely must've caused His heart to ask if there was a different path to take.  This is just like what I went through when I approached my closet of homosexuality.  I knew what had to be done - the exploration of myself for the greater good - but I did not want to open that door.  But I take courage and comfort from the example of Christ, who experienced a similar feeling when He saw the burden of Gethsemane before Him.  And yet, I also testify that we, like Christ, will have an angel or a legion of angels appearing from heaven, strengthening us.  God will hold you and take your hand as you stretch it forth to open that closet door.  At that point then, the question is, are you exploring or are you just looking when you open that door?  Explore.  You'll find what you're looking for, and then some.   Until next time...

Righteous Judgment and SSA

For those of you who've read my blog for the past long while, you've realized how blunt and bold I tend to be with my speech.  Today is no exception, however, I wish to communicate in a more sensitive way, since people who likely don't agree at all will be reading as well.  Without delving into the drama of the Supreme Court decision to legalize same-sex marriage throughout the U.S., I simply wish to expound upon something that has been bothering me about people's response to it. 

Initially, my reaction was shock, disappointment, and emotional conflict about the decision.  I thought to myself, "Surely this was coming, but I didn't expect it this soon!  Why now, when I'm not in a good place with my same-sex attraction as it is?!"  You see, lately I'd been conflicted to a great degree about getting a boyfriend, potentially marrying and settling down with a man, and so forth.  For some reason, it felt right and greatly appealed to me.  I was sick of going to male friends for support, encouragement, and emotional fulfillment.  This way, I thought, would be an easy way to get all my needs met at a "small" sacrifice of not doing precisely what my Heavenly Father would have me do.  To make matters even worse, beyond being tempted emotionally with my attractions, Satan was strongly tempting me sexually and trying to convince me it was what I wanted.  To say the least, my emotions were running wild and free, without me being able to restrain and channel them as I'd successfully done in the past.  Then, along came an announcement on Facebook saying the Supreme Court had decided to legalize same-sex marriage, making my already overwhelming situation completely suffocating now.  Here was my chance - the perfect opportunity to meet anyone from anywhere, date, get in a relationship, and then get married at some point.  I was about ready to go outside somewhere and scream. 

The final, absolutely horrific cherry on top of all the concocted, appetizing temptation was the reaction of others on Facebook.  It seemed like overnight, half of Facebook's profiles were covered in rainbows, and the other half were talking about rainbow-related stuff!!!  And the variety of reactions exploded.  Some were conflicted, others were celebrating like crazy, and still others were okay with it.  That did not bug me as much, though admittedly after about 24 hours of it I got emotionally drained by constantly being reminded of my present struggle.  What really riled me up were the LDS and non-LDS people preaching a bunch of things that not just the LDS religion, but general Christianity doesn't believe in.  Things like, "These gay people are going to hell if they don't repent", or "Being gay (attracted to the same sex) is a sin!", or "Just look at how evil these people are!", and other really, really harsh and judgmental statements.  In the defense of non-LDS people, I think there's some room for us to excuse that.  By LDS belief, which is my belief, such individuals do not have the fullness of the gospel and so they do not fully understand principles behind judging others.  Plus, they do not have the gift of the Holy Spirit, just the light of Christ.  Again, this is religious belief, so I do hope I offend no one by saying these things.  Anyway, I can handle non-LDS people saying all that, to a point that is reasonable. 



For LDS people, though, I want to briefly share something from a talk by Elder Oaks called, "Judge Not and Judging", simply to illustrate how many of the statements made on any social media websites are wrong and fully prohibited by these principles.  Here they are:

1.  First, a righteous judgment must, by definition, be intermediate. It will refrain from declaring that a person has been assured of exaltation or from dismissing a person as being irrevocably bound for hellfire. It will refrain from declaring that a person has forfeited all opportunity for exaltation or even all opportunity for a useful role in the work of the Lord.

2.  Second, a righteous judgment will be guided by the Spirit of the Lord, not by anger, revenge, jealousy, or self-interest.

3.  Third, to be righteous, an intermediate judgment must be within our stewardship. We should not presume to exercise and act upon judgments that are outside our personal responsibilities.

4.  Fourth, we should, if possible, refrain from judging until we have adequate knowledge of the facts.

5.  A fifth principle of a righteous intermediate judgment is that whenever possible we will refrain from judging people and only judge situations. This is essential whenever we attempt to act upon different standards than others with whom we must associate—at home, at work, or in the community. We can set and act upon high standards for ourselves or our homes without condemning those who do otherwise.

6.  Sixth, forgiveness is a companion principle to the commandment that in final judgments we judge not and in intermediate judgments we judge righteously.

7.  Seventh, a final ingredient or principle of a righteous judgment is that it will apply righteous standards. If we apply unrighteous standards, our judgment will be unrighteous. By falling short of righteous standards, we place ourselves in jeopardy of being judged by incorrect or unrighteous standards ourselves.

As a companion statement to this, Elder Oaks also stated, "Our doctrines obviously condemn those who engage in so-called “gay bashing”—physical or verbal attacks on persons thought to be involved in homosexual or lesbian behavior." (Same-Gender Attraction, October 1995 Ensign)

Therefore, I am urging members of the LDS Church to engage in righteous judgment and love people.  This is a test of our faith and ability to show charity by the Spirit of God.  It may hurt when others, especially those we love, engage in an openly gay lifestyle.  I understand that, because I've been there and honestly am still there.  However, we must remember the example of our perfect Savior, Jesus Christ.  I simply cannot see our Lord attacking the LGBT community in any shape or form.  I can see Him reproving people for unrighteous behavior, but only because that is His right to do so as the son of God.  That being said, I can picture Jesus personally talking face-to-face with such individuals, having personal and friendly conversations.  I can see Jesus embracing such people and telling them of His deep, eternal love for them as His children.   And why?  Because that is what gay people are- children of our Heavenly Father who chose to follow His plan in the premortal existence.  They are here just as we are, and the least we can do is show the same love that our Savior would, so that by this men shall we know we are His disciples (John 13:34-35).  Brothers and sisters, is there enough evidence to convict us of being Christian, to show we are followers of Christ?  I hope there will be, especially in places where the whole world can see.  I have confidence we will show everyone who we are.  Love you guys!

The Godliness of Doubt

Although the scriptures repeatedly emphasize the need for faith, many of us are failing miserably.  One minute, people see us joyfully professing our love for Christ, and the next, frantically questioning our core beliefs & affirmations about Him.  Oftentimes, individuals in the Church will reassure others of God's existence, His word, and so on, while inwardly, they are wondering just how much truth is to those things.  Still others declare the importance of obedience to chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and so on - and then these same people, behind closed doors, struggle with sins of immorality, pornography addiction, drug abuse, alcoholism, and so forth.  But amid the reality of all this, I must ask you a rather blunt question:

How much does all this concern God, really?

I mean, seriously - stop and think about it for just a moment.  It would seem to me that God really concerns Himself with where His children are going, not where they currently are.  Consider it for a minute.  Is God in the business of changing people's pasts, or transforming who they are in the present to alter where they'll end up?  If you contend that God is all about the past - changing our pasts, erasing our previous sins, etc. - then it would make sense that God cares about where we've been with so-called "hypocrisy" and personal doubts.  From a logical & doctrinal standpoint, however, it most resounds with me to state that God is concerned most with where we're headed.  Why?  Because as He empowers us in the now, we are better prepared to handle what is yet to come.  You and I are not beings who exist in the past.  We exist in the present.

This is why we typically view grace as a power that carries us from moment to moment.  We also interpret is as a power which erases our past by changing our present, and, subsequently, our future.  It is like a giant rock which God purposefully drops into the moss-covered, dirty waters of our lives, generating enormous waves that clear up all that gross covering and murky unpleasantness.  The rock of His grace collides with our oceanic existence, and a sort of "accentuated ripple effect" spreads rapidly over everything, changing the nature of it all. 

Now, what's the point of bringing all this up?  It is to illustrate what timeframe of life bears the greatest significance.  A Saint who doubts, and yet keeps moving forward, shows how much weight the future holds.  For, in truth, doubts, disputations, sins, weaknesses, addictions, etc. all are but a transient blip on the radar of life.  Some last longer than others, but time holds some sort of cure to every doubt, even if it's not deliverance from it.  Some ignorant people, though, naively suppose that the doubts concerning religion and God (or other things, for that matter) pass with time.  Insofar as I am aware, however, such doubts only tend to dissipate for precious few reasons.  Primarily, they are:

1. The burden of proof exceeds the reason for doubt.
2. Conflicts that engendered said doubts simply resolve themselves by happenstance.
3. The individual doubting subscribes to a different set of beliefs and/or philosophies that no longer created a need for said doubt.

It is likely, though, that either none of those is happening but you wish it would, or it is and you wish it wouldn't be.  Whatever the case, doubt bothers you in some form.  So you're reading this.  I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you may be stuck with chronic doubting for a lifetime.  But what is truly curious is that although you doubt, you cannot un-believe all that you doubt.  You question, disbelieve, wonder, get mad at God, and despair, even,  but never can you bring yourself to place it out of the questioning space you hold it in.  And that is something you've got to find out the reason for.  Why?  Because therein lies the key to your faith, to your fight for staying in some kind of hopeful, spiritual state.  Though it produces an imperfect, shaky, desperately inconvenient sort of faith, still it is something, you tell yourself.  Let's be honest, though - you wish the truth or falsehood would just announce itself.  You yearn for that shouting proclamation, like a spouse arriving home from work, of "I'm here!!!" to the home of your human heart.



Let me tell you some of the reasons, despite the absence of such a thunderbolt of knowledge, as to why I keep going when I face grueling doubts.  My primary reason is because a feeling deeper than my actual heart has pierced my soul multiple times when in church, nature, family events, activities with friends, and on other spiritual occasions.  It is a God-presence that transcends the boundaries of human emotion and logical explanation, resounding with what many call "the soul".  Such a "deeper" feeling has come even when logic ought to dictate otherwise, indeed, a feeling that is the exact opposite of what I should be feeling by normal standards.  For example, in facing financial disaster, I've felt total calm and peace.  Call that optimism or self-assurance if you will, but dark conflicts still plague the minds of even the most optimistic and self-assured of people, if there is sufficient cause for it.  So where is God in all of this, then?

If I profess to know the God of the holy scriptures, then I must conclude that He is a merciful, perfectly truthful, and all-loving divine being.  That being said, if God weren't real or if He didn't want me, or whatever doubt I am entertaining in my head - then why am I clinging to a belief that hardly, if at all, serves me?  Why hold to some inconvenient, fanciful notion that causes more pain than personal fulfillment and gratification?  It would appear that, beyond the veil of present suffering, something higher than myself clings to God's truth.  But, in the midst of all the anguish, why?  Why hold so fiercely onto a burning coal?  Maybe, pondering this, it's because I'm trying to start a fire of faith, one that can give me warmth in an otherwise cold world.  Perhaps, with that fire of my passionate, desperately flawed faith, this world is a little brighter and less harsh upon the human spirit.  After all, if God is real, at least He's a constant in this damn confusing, lost, and delusion world of darkness.  With the price of pain that I hold onto in my hand, that burning coal I spoke of, I can hope for something more.  Maybe I don't know what precisely that "something more" is, or even it exists to begin with.  So, what my point?  With God, I can hope again amid my doubtful darkness.  Without Him, I sink into that horrific blackness I so fear and dread to become acquainted with.

Maybe, just maybe this is a generic explanation of your personal reason (s) for clinging to such an inconvenient pain in the ass.  Though God might feel like a bruise or a hemorrhoid you have to sit on, at least your doubt reminds you that, being representative of "sitting down", you can always count on a constant reminder of why life can suck.  You "sit down", or doubt, in life because you have to, not because you want to or because it's somehow pleasant to, watching the other runners in God's test race on by, telling you that there is a finish line ahead.  And you know, I'd rather God remind me of why I need Him by being a pain in the ass than sit down comfortably in a stupor to forget why I'm even here on earth in the first place.

Doubt is godly because God is in it.  Though a hundred questions may rack your soul to no end, at least you're asking to begin with!  You doubt because your spirit cannot relinquish hope, and because you cannot bear the thought of sinking into the darkness of atheistic confusion, or something similar to it.  Or, you cannot handle the hopeless state of not knowing who you are, where you came from, and where you're going in life.  No, you're a child of God who wants to believe but cannot always conjure up that "deeper reason" for believing.  But that is OK.  God didn't say in His word, "...having a perfect brightness of faith."  Nope.  He said, "...having a perfect brightness of hope."  If you can but use that brightness of hope to light your way, I know with all my heart that you'll have enough light to find your way.  And that's enough, for Him.