The Godliness of Doubt

Although the scriptures repeatedly emphasize the need for faith, many of us are failing miserably.  One minute, people see us joyfully professing our love for Christ, and the next, frantically questioning our core beliefs & affirmations about Him.  Oftentimes, individuals in the Church will reassure others of God's existence, His word, and so on, while inwardly, they are wondering just how much truth is to those things.  Still others declare the importance of obedience to chastity, the Word of Wisdom, and so on - and then these same people, behind closed doors, struggle with sins of immorality, pornography addiction, drug abuse, alcoholism, and so forth.  But amid the reality of all this, I must ask you a rather blunt question:

How much does all this concern God, really?

I mean, seriously - stop and think about it for just a moment.  It would seem to me that God really concerns Himself with where His children are going, not where they currently are.  Consider it for a minute.  Is God in the business of changing people's pasts, or transforming who they are in the present to alter where they'll end up?  If you contend that God is all about the past - changing our pasts, erasing our previous sins, etc. - then it would make sense that God cares about where we've been with so-called "hypocrisy" and personal doubts.  From a logical & doctrinal standpoint, however, it most resounds with me to state that God is concerned most with where we're headed.  Why?  Because as He empowers us in the now, we are better prepared to handle what is yet to come.  You and I are not beings who exist in the past.  We exist in the present.

This is why we typically view grace as a power that carries us from moment to moment.  We also interpret is as a power which erases our past by changing our present, and, subsequently, our future.  It is like a giant rock which God purposefully drops into the moss-covered, dirty waters of our lives, generating enormous waves that clear up all that gross covering and murky unpleasantness.  The rock of His grace collides with our oceanic existence, and a sort of "accentuated ripple effect" spreads rapidly over everything, changing the nature of it all. 

Now, what's the point of bringing all this up?  It is to illustrate what timeframe of life bears the greatest significance.  A Saint who doubts, and yet keeps moving forward, shows how much weight the future holds.  For, in truth, doubts, disputations, sins, weaknesses, addictions, etc. all are but a transient blip on the radar of life.  Some last longer than others, but time holds some sort of cure to every doubt, even if it's not deliverance from it.  Some ignorant people, though, naively suppose that the doubts concerning religion and God (or other things, for that matter) pass with time.  Insofar as I am aware, however, such doubts only tend to dissipate for precious few reasons.  Primarily, they are:

1. The burden of proof exceeds the reason for doubt.
2. Conflicts that engendered said doubts simply resolve themselves by happenstance.
3. The individual doubting subscribes to a different set of beliefs and/or philosophies that no longer created a need for said doubt.

It is likely, though, that either none of those is happening but you wish it would, or it is and you wish it wouldn't be.  Whatever the case, doubt bothers you in some form.  So you're reading this.  I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you may be stuck with chronic doubting for a lifetime.  But what is truly curious is that although you doubt, you cannot un-believe all that you doubt.  You question, disbelieve, wonder, get mad at God, and despair, even,  but never can you bring yourself to place it out of the questioning space you hold it in.  And that is something you've got to find out the reason for.  Why?  Because therein lies the key to your faith, to your fight for staying in some kind of hopeful, spiritual state.  Though it produces an imperfect, shaky, desperately inconvenient sort of faith, still it is something, you tell yourself.  Let's be honest, though - you wish the truth or falsehood would just announce itself.  You yearn for that shouting proclamation, like a spouse arriving home from work, of "I'm here!!!" to the home of your human heart.



Let me tell you some of the reasons, despite the absence of such a thunderbolt of knowledge, as to why I keep going when I face grueling doubts.  My primary reason is because a feeling deeper than my actual heart has pierced my soul multiple times when in church, nature, family events, activities with friends, and on other spiritual occasions.  It is a God-presence that transcends the boundaries of human emotion and logical explanation, resounding with what many call "the soul".  Such a "deeper" feeling has come even when logic ought to dictate otherwise, indeed, a feeling that is the exact opposite of what I should be feeling by normal standards.  For example, in facing financial disaster, I've felt total calm and peace.  Call that optimism or self-assurance if you will, but dark conflicts still plague the minds of even the most optimistic and self-assured of people, if there is sufficient cause for it.  So where is God in all of this, then?

If I profess to know the God of the holy scriptures, then I must conclude that He is a merciful, perfectly truthful, and all-loving divine being.  That being said, if God weren't real or if He didn't want me, or whatever doubt I am entertaining in my head - then why am I clinging to a belief that hardly, if at all, serves me?  Why hold to some inconvenient, fanciful notion that causes more pain than personal fulfillment and gratification?  It would appear that, beyond the veil of present suffering, something higher than myself clings to God's truth.  But, in the midst of all the anguish, why?  Why hold so fiercely onto a burning coal?  Maybe, pondering this, it's because I'm trying to start a fire of faith, one that can give me warmth in an otherwise cold world.  Perhaps, with that fire of my passionate, desperately flawed faith, this world is a little brighter and less harsh upon the human spirit.  After all, if God is real, at least He's a constant in this damn confusing, lost, and delusion world of darkness.  With the price of pain that I hold onto in my hand, that burning coal I spoke of, I can hope for something more.  Maybe I don't know what precisely that "something more" is, or even it exists to begin with.  So, what my point?  With God, I can hope again amid my doubtful darkness.  Without Him, I sink into that horrific blackness I so fear and dread to become acquainted with.

Maybe, just maybe this is a generic explanation of your personal reason (s) for clinging to such an inconvenient pain in the ass.  Though God might feel like a bruise or a hemorrhoid you have to sit on, at least your doubt reminds you that, being representative of "sitting down", you can always count on a constant reminder of why life can suck.  You "sit down", or doubt, in life because you have to, not because you want to or because it's somehow pleasant to, watching the other runners in God's test race on by, telling you that there is a finish line ahead.  And you know, I'd rather God remind me of why I need Him by being a pain in the ass than sit down comfortably in a stupor to forget why I'm even here on earth in the first place.

Doubt is godly because God is in it.  Though a hundred questions may rack your soul to no end, at least you're asking to begin with!  You doubt because your spirit cannot relinquish hope, and because you cannot bear the thought of sinking into the darkness of atheistic confusion, or something similar to it.  Or, you cannot handle the hopeless state of not knowing who you are, where you came from, and where you're going in life.  No, you're a child of God who wants to believe but cannot always conjure up that "deeper reason" for believing.  But that is OK.  God didn't say in His word, "...having a perfect brightness of faith."  Nope.  He said, "...having a perfect brightness of hope."  If you can but use that brightness of hope to light your way, I know with all my heart that you'll have enough light to find your way.  And that's enough, for Him.

Outside of the Self

Not too long ago, I suffered a massively disabling trial in my life, changing everything forever.  Although most of us can generally say that we've had a difficult time adjusting to life around us at times, usually we can go on with our lives without too much interference or intervention.  Naturally, some people will struggle with difficult circumstances, mental illness, and so forth, but for the emotionally and mentally well individual, the debilitating situation usually will pass.  In this case, that did not happen.  In late August of last year, as you may know, I experienced a horrible nervous breakdown due to overworking myself and not properly taking care of my mental health.  As a result, I actually landed myself in the adult psychiatric unit.  Believe me, it is not the best situation to find oneself in.  Now of course they did not treat me inhumanely or anything; in fact, I actually rather enjoyed the company of both the staff and the patients.  Mostly, on my part I suffered there because it was boring as hell and I craved my freedom to do as I pleased. But anyway, how does such a story relate to SSA?  Let me explain. 

As a result of this horrible situation, I immediately requested a full term of my short-term disability benefit through The Home Depot, which lasted for 6 months.  This resulted in my wages being sliced in half, which subsequently caused me to apply for state benefits through the Department of Workforce Services.  I am not ashamed to admit this, because we all require assistance of some kind throughout our lives, and I wasn't about to refuse that because of my pride.  In addition, I also started attending therapy sessions, to take care of my emotional issues I was having.  For the next couple of months, I could physically feel the stress draining out of my body, like some toxic substance or energy my body was getting rid of.

Sometimes, I think people with SSA can push themselves to their mental, emotional, and even spiritual limits with their attractions.  They allow themselves to become obsessed with questions, like "Why am I gay?", or "How can I live the gospel when I'm 'this way'?", or "Does God still care, after I've been through so much?".  Still other questions can plague the individual who experiences SSA.  And although I wholeheartedly agree that resolving these questions can lead to greater peace, answering them is not the answer for self-acceptance.  Such a gift is one we give to ourselves, from within, by focusing on our true identity as sons and daughters of God.  The best path to peace, I've found, is drawing close to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and allowing Him inside our hearts so He can pour out His Spirit, grace, and love upon us.  Though I feel it natural and normal to go through a phase of endlessly asking questions, I think it unwise to linger there.  Look to solutions and gospel-centered answers, and then you can find peace, is my opinion. 

Other times, individuals with SSA will view acting out as the only source for relief.  But, will that truly relieve the inner conflict and pain?  Yes, it may temporarily, but it will always return until you dig to the root of the problem.  What's your root?  Maybe it's your relationship with your father or other family member, or perhaps traumatic experiences from your childhood.  Or, it might just be the result of indulgences in curiosities towards same-sex pornography and masturbation.  It could be a way to fill some kind of hole in your life, to numb the suffering you are feeling so deeply in your heart.  Whatever the reason, I promise you from firsthand experience that sinning never alleviates pain.  In fact - and Satan knows this full well - it will assuredly magnify your pain tenfold.  As Alma simply said, "Wickedness never was happiness."  I have tried to find happiness in committing ongoing sin.  But pleasure can never satisfy, it can only temporarily tickle and shake up the senses, only to dig a deeper pit of craving for more.  You cannot entertain lust without inviting its companions.  It's impossible.

I've also seen individuals who wander from the path of righteousness (myself included) because Satan is SO good at nagging us all with diabolically false whisperings like, "You can't handle this... you've got to try something and experiment.", or "This is just how you are.  Give in."  Would we not do well to remember that such lies are born of desperation from the one who seeks our eternal misery, for his twisted, sick satisfaction and company in his personal misery?  We know that Satan seeks for everyone to be just as miserable as he is, but why give him that satisfaction in knowing he's trapped us?   I personally may not know everything in the gospel, or understand it, or even agree with it, but I do know my Savior lives.  I do know my Savior loves me and knows me personally.  And I do know He wants me to take hold of His grace daily, to take up my personal, tailor-made cross, and to follow Him.  Sometimes those paths are so painful... I know.  They are covered in broken glass and thorns sometimes, it feels like.  I testify, though, that as I have followed my Savior, the pain and suffering I've experienced weighs on my heart like a feather compared to the bondage of sin and addiction. 

Just because the Savior said His yoke is easy and His burden is light doesn't mean His way is the easy way, nor the one we can always just understand like magic.  Some of the Saints will not understand many of the paths we're meant to take, and others may suffer with the crucible of doubt.  Others may not understand that trials are probably the greatest expression of our Father's love for us, because of their power to refine and exalt us beyond measure.  However, every single one of us, regardless of our trials of faith, can press forward with a willing mind, though it may doubt, fear, struggle to see clearly, or whatever else.  When we can rise above ourselves, and look outside ourselves, what we'll find is that our Savior is watching over us, anxious to bless us for every good deed we perform.  God is not a vindictive being who wishes to punish and/or condemn at the slightest sign of disobedience, nor is He one who just gives us pain without revealing a path to make it through.  If you're hurting and struggling in your journey with same-sex attraction, turn to your Redeemer, and I promise He'll embrace you with love. 

This path is not one we walk alone, nor is it one that Jesus cannot understand.  I've been through SO many trials in my lifetime, and I'm just 25.  And I can testify that when I slipped into a clinical depression for nearly 6 consecutive months, crying sometimes every day and even frequently wishing to die, my Savior was there.  Experiencing same-sex attraction as a Latter-Day Saint is no different, at all.  You may well feel overshadowed by a cloud of darkness, confused and even unable to see your way through.  But Christ sees.  Christ knows.  You may bleed from the innermost chambers of your spiritual heart, this is true.  But Christ bled from every pore of His holy body, so that we don't have to bleed as much in our own pain and suffering.  You have never sunk so low in sin, doubt, emotional and mental anguish, or physical pain that our Savior has not condescended below it.  As He so tenderly said to the Prophet Joseph Smith, "The Son of Man hath descended below them all..."  I testify that you can remain faithful and find joy in living this gospel, because our Savior made that possible in the garden of Gethsemane and on the cross of Calvary.  He loves you SO much, more than you can possibly comprehend.  I testify this is true.  Until next time...love you guys!

Attention and Acceptance, Part 2

Now, continuing forward with how we give attention and acceptance to our SSA, I must emphasize that I do not believe that enjoying, celebrating, or being grateful for your sexual orientation is wrong. In fact, I fully support such attitudes and will discuss these and other mindsets towards SSA later. The only issue I have towards this subject is that some individuals take it further than is necessary or emotionally healthy, not to mention conducive to the Spirit.  Some members of the Church believe it okay to flaunt, constantly discuss, joke about, or otherwise make light of their sexual orientation.  Spiritual boundaries govern our behavior in regards to sexual orientation, however.  If you flaunt your sexual orientation by dressing fashionably, socializing more frequently with men than women, and declaring that you love your sexual preferences, that is fine.  I don't think God particularly cares whether or not we display confidence in our sexual orientation; in fact, I believe He encourages it.  For those struggling to find self-acceptance in their journey with SSA, I also believe it healthy and even essential to discuss their feelings.  People with mental illness, for instance, find it good for them to attend therapy and talk things out with a professional.  At the same time, though, someone like that -like me, for instance- only speaks about their difficulties when it becomes excessively burdensome or troubling to them.  Constantly spouting out one's problems doesn't alleviate the pain and suffering- quite the contrary.  When you center your mind on such negativity, it draws more negativity.  Whatever your mind thinks about, you will feel and eventually become.  "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he", according to Proverbs.  How, then, I may ask, can one afford to keep focusing on their issues when they desire to find a solution?  Push your energies towards solving problems, and you will find solutions.  When you're resolving an equation, you don't ask yourself which variables are not going to help.  You ask yourself which ones WILL help.

In my previous post, I mentioned that faithful members with SSA do two things with it. First, they define it within gospel standards, and second, they view it as part of themselves to be accepted in faith.  To begin with the first, what does it mean to define your sexual orientation within gospel standards?  One might more accurately say you define it within the truth of God's word.  Some things remain unknown about SSA, but there are a few things we most certainly do know.  President Kimball taught that it is not something we are born with, due to being created in God's image.  Elder Oaks taught that we should refrain from regarding it as a permanent condition, because doing so denies the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Elder Holland taught that because it is part of our mortal probation, it will fall off of us in the next life.  Elder Hales taught that those who do not get married at no fault of their own in this life will have that opportunity in the next.  And finally, multiple prophets and apostles, both modern and ancient, have taught that everything we suffer through in this life will be compensated for in the next life to those who endure faithfully to the end. Taking these principles, we can have hope and assurance that all will be well eventually, if we exercise faith in Jesus Christ.  Furthermore, such principles can strengthen us in walking uprightly before the Lord- keeping the law of chastity, refraining from same-sex dating and relationships, sustaining the prophets, and so forth.  Keeping the commandments may look different for various same-sex attracted members because of life circumstances, but the truth we live by will never vary.

Expounding on the second principle, viewing SSA as part of yourself versus most or all of yourself can prove challenging, but it is worth it in the end.  Personally, I see it as a potential challenge because SSA can seem all-consuming in your mind and heart.  It can influence a major part of your life, and thereby presents this overwhelming, powerful presence.  Because I believe God when He advocates mental and emotional balance in our lives, however, I refuse to believe that we must remain in such a state.  The more I affirm to myself that God is my Father, and Christ is my Elder Brother, the more my identity as a son of God solidifies in my mind, and the less my sexual orientation takes hold.  My journey led to peace when I started to do this...when I realized that my Savior saw me as so much more, and I began to accept His view in my heart.  I hardly think, brothers and sisters, if we were to hold a conversation with Christ, that He would only desire to talk about our SSA and its various components.  I do not doubt the subject would likely present itself in due course, but my heart tells me my Savior would express far greater interest in what my spirit had become versus what my sexual orientation had caused me to experience.  When we discuss our "meeting" with the Savior in the next life, we talk about Him questioning our intentions and actions, asking us if we loved His children and did our best to follow Him.  As I've said, most certainly the subject of SSA would spring up somewhere in that conversation.  But again, I definitely see most of the conversation being about how I chose to follow Him and thereby refined my spirit through His grace.  Brothers and sisters, our sexual orientation is a part of us.  You do not define a populace by a single person. Similarly, we do not define ourselves by one aspect.  We are far more than our sexual orientation. We are creations of God, filled with vitality, creativity, imagination, love, laughter, friendship, family ties, and more.  Do not sell yourselves short, my friends.  You are more than that.

As a final thought, I once read something in a book that intrigued me.  It said, "What holds your attention holds you."  For some individuals, giving all their attention to their SSA, meaning living the openly gay lifestyle, satisfies and fulfills them.  I do not judge such individuals, though I do believe they are missing out on far greater joy and fulfillment in Christ.  Referencing the saints, in stark contrast, I have often witnessed the needless suffering that results from excessive attention given to sexual orientation.  It may seem counterintuitive for some to set this on a figurative shelf, because they say to themselves, "How am I going to be at peace with this without talking it out?"  But that is not what I am saying.  Feel free to talk it out, but do not make it the subject of multiple conversations with your gay friends, your family, and goodness knows who else.  Find other things to talk about, and focus on self-affirmation towards your divine identity.  As you go through with this, you'll discover that the peace of God will enter your heart, because He will speak to your heart and let you know that it's okay to be yourself.  He appreciates and loves you precisely as you are, and the sooner you give room for God to express that by taking down your walls of pain, the sooner you'll find peace.   Give yourself this gift, and start today by placing your attention and acceptance towards the One who matters most- your Savior, Jesus Christ.  I love you guys, and wish you a wonderful day!  :)

Attention and Acceptance, Part 1 of 2

Thank you for continuing to follow my blog.  It's hard to believe that my readers have stayed with me for nearly two years.  Feels like just yesterday I sat down, my hands shaking, feeling prompted by the Spirit to start this blog and let others know they are not alone in their experience with same-sex attraction as Latter-Day Saints.  Today, I wish to discuss how I've personally come to terms with my SSA, and how this simple, yet powerful tool has blessed my life tremendously.  To some, it may seem as though I am asking people to dismiss, repress, or otherwise ignore their feelings.  However, that isn't the message I am striving to convey.  My message today is one of believing in personal willpower to use all the freedom available to you in your journey with same-sex attraction.  Although some feelings, tendencies, attractions, etc.  lie far beyond our control, I firmly believe that God has given us sufficient freedom - the power to carry out our agency - to experience SSA in a gospel-centered, peaceful way.

So, what is my tool I use?  Simple.  Whenever I experience same-sex attraction towards anyone, I acknowledge its existence, but I refuse to give it attention and energy.  That way, I am validating that I certainly do feel that way about someone.  Yes, that guy is probably hot, or most definitely I have a crush on that friend...but the question is, do I focus on that, or can I divert that emotional and/or sexual energy elsewhere?  Because to be quite frank, I don't believe that Heavenly Father created me to be at the mercy of my same-sex attraction.  I believe He understands that it is something I cannot help feeling, that is true.  However, I also believe He has given me power to change my perspective, actions, and feelings towards those attractions.  Some of you are probably thinking or saying, "So what?  How's that going to change anything?  It doesn't have any way of making this experience any easier, at all!"  I can most definitely empathize and sympathize with where you're at.  I used to feel exactly the same way.  I realize, however, in hindsight that this is because I used to direct exorbitant amounts of my attention and energy towards this attraction.  It became all-consuming to me, to the point of near obsession at times.  The question first, then, is not, "How can I change my perspective", but rather, "How can I change my desire for a new perspective?"



If you don't have a desire to do something, you likely will not try unless something creates a motivation.  Let's explore what motivation you may have for desiring self-acceptance in regards to your SSA.  Here are a few personal ones of mine that may apply to you:

1. The inner conflict of feeling shame, confusion, guilt, anxiety over marriage and family, and other negative emotions didn't create anything but misery for me.  I wanted that to end.

2.  My relationship with my Savior has suffered because I've given into certain addictions in the past, because I couldn't reconcile these feelings with my faith, thus creating a great deal of pain.

3.  Other relationships in my life suffered, most notably among my family and friends, whom I love dearly and only wish happiness and fulfillment for.  This also took away from my happiness.

4.  I struggled more with issues often associated with unresolved same-sex attraction, including unhealthy physical affection (i.e., excessive or forced), codependency, needy/clingy behavior, and so forth.  This drove potential friends away, which caused a great deal of unnecessary heartache.

And the list continues on and on...

Does any of this sound familiar?  If I'm not mistaken, a great portion of the SSA community in the Church struggles with these issues or other issues that make their life a HUGE struggle!  What's more, when the people in this group focus constantly on SSA as though it's some kind of fatal disease to be cured immediately, it creates issues.  Why?  Because when you frequently think about something, it starts to affect your feelings, behavior, and lifestyle.  That's the pattern that people follow in either finding peace or falling away from the Church.  It starts with thoughts of faith or fear, moves into feelings of desire for wisdom or pride directed towards God, followed by a pattern of behavior throughout their lives that reflects whichever path they've taken.  Every path doesn't look like that, but I would not feel ignorant to say that most, if not all paths are a reflection of it.  To be quite honest, the people whom I see struggling the most are those who make SSA who they are, versus something they experience.  They permit it to define them.  Every single person who apostatizes follows the path of allowing SSA to define themselves; every person who stays faithful defines their SSA within gospel standards, and views it as a part of themselves to be accepted in faith. More on this and other principles in my next post...love you guys!!!

Powerfully Independent

Ever been attached to someone  so fiercely you "couldn't live without them"?  In my journey with SSA, I have often discovered that this emotion creeps up on me and seizes my self-confidence.  Not to mention my joy, self-fulfillment, personal pursuits, etc.  All of them go down the drain, and I sit around and wonder in my depressed state, "What the heck went wrong?  Am I truly that undesirable, broken, or negative?"  Over time, however, I have realized something.  I cannot draw my fulfillment, joy, fulfillment, or anything else positive for me from other people.  Since Heavenly Father and the Savior love me for me, just like one friend loves another, I can draw joy out of those relationships.  On my journey with SSA, I've often said with different men that I felt like I couldn't live a full life without them, or that I needed male friends to be happy.  I have said in the past that I didn't believe men needed male affection, and I meant that.  However, I only meant it in the sense that it is not essential to man's survival, physically and spiritually speaking.  As for his mental and emotional survival, yes, I do believe that.  I have found, though, that defining a clear, obvious line between healthy & unhealthy friendship and affection always turns out for the better.

One essential component, though many exist, to having such a boundary is learning how to be emotionally independent.  As I journey with my SSA and my bipolar simultaneously, I have to carefully lay down firm boundaries related to that emotional independence.  For example, if someone is acting manipulative - including me - I stop that person and assertively tell them that I do not go along with that kind of behavior.  I also am very firm about taking time off for myself.  If I'm going somewhere alone, I'm going alone.  If I go somewhere to relax, nobody is going to bother me because my cell phone will be off.  And if people mock, reject, or otherwise try to hurt me, I do my very best to simply brush it off, while assertively letting the person know that their behavior is not acceptable and I'm distancing myself/saying goodbye.  Giving myself permission to relax and be happy, while also standing up for myself, has empowered me countless times to enjoy the power of being emotionally independent.

So, what's the big deal?  What's the significance in reference to SSA?  I feel it has several applications.  Here's just a few as food for thought:

1.  Emotional independence gives you power to make wise decisions primarily based on logic, versus just going off of emotion and acting rashly.  In other words, people do not control your actions for any reason- you do.  Think of the significance.  In faith crises, hours of loneliness, positive changes in belief towards gospel principles (i.e., chastity, sanctity of celestial marriage, etc.), and more all carry weight for your journey with SSA.  If someone is able to push buttons and sway such crucial areas in your life, it may be time to rethink emotional independence in your life.

2. This great perspective also enables you to objectively view male relationships of any kind, and at any developmental point, regardless of religious belief or personal background.  How?  By taking control of your emotions, you are allowing your spirit to have dominance over your flesh.  Let me explain. If I can see x guy who I'm attracted to objectively, I can stand back and rein my emotions in.  Then I can persuade my spirit to win over, and I'll see him as he is in every aspect, instead of an object for lustful desire or even just a pursuit of infatuation.  Now, this is my experience.  I'm not necessarily saying it will be for everyone.  However, I have found it is the case for me.

3.  Finally, such a viewpoint also clarifies the obvious and not-so-obvious boundaries of "acting on SSA".  When you are emotionally independent, others do not sway your emotions at their discretion, as we discussed.  A byproduct of such a mindset is that you are in control of your emotions, and therefore know where your sexual and romantic boundaries lie.  Some things are obvious.  Sex or sensuality of any kind is not permissible under the Lord's standards, and it is not determined by our perception.  God's word establishes truth, and we are merely the actors and actresses playing it out or ignoring it.  But for the not-so-obvious boundaries, such as holding hands or very lengthy hugs, that is within the individual's determination, because such depend on the individual.  Some may trigger sexual/romantic feelings, others, not as much. God knows our hearts, and will judge us by our actions and our intentions.

As a side note, I have at times experienced physical affection or friendship that I thought was healthy, but afterward felt unfulfilled and simply craved more.  Such is unhealthy, because typically I've found I go at such friendship or affection with that craving desire to begin with.  However, when I am in an emotionally independent place, considering the other person's boundaries as well, I find that it is a beautiful, intimate, and sometimes even sacred experience.  Healthy male friendship and affection happen as gifts of God, provided they are done in the right context.  As such, I would encourage everyone reading this to foster emotionally independence.  You'll discover the power it creates for you in your journey with SSA.  I promise.  Until next time, everyone... hope you find joy and fulfillment in healthy friendship and affection.  Love you all!  :)

Cheerfully Diligent

In a world of so much complaining, noise, distraction, darkness, and all the rest of it, sometimes I wonder why I sometimes join in and listen to all the negativity.  Doubtlessly Satan has a hand in it, certainly he would have us wallow in it.  What of Christ, though?  What would He have us do in times of hardship?  I would like to share a narrative, rather than the typical tone of doctrinal dissertation or even advice to live differently.  If anything, I hope to accomplish my goal of directing you towards heaven and towards Christ, by the medium of personal revelation.  I do not subscribe to the morally relativistic philosophy found in the Church which states that we each live our own truth, or our own way.  Such behavior of determining your own path of truth is condemned by the holy scriptures, when Christ said, "They seek not the Lord to establish his righteousness, but every man walketh in his own way, and after the image of his own god, which image is in the likeness of the world, and whose substance is that of an idol..." (D&C 1:16)  It is the pathway to seeking to have a summer home in Babylon, as Elder Maxwell explained, while residing most of the time in Zion.  If we are to truly say that we bid Babylon farewell, then it must be a permanent choice.  And, as I've discovered, this is when the true magic of the gospel transforms our lives-when the Atonement of Christ changes not just what we know, but who we are. 

Back in April, I was seeking out employment somewhat desperately, because I thirsted for the freedom of emotional independence and financial stability.  My last employer had terminated me wrongfully, and through a tender mercy of God, I was staying with a good friend of mine who virtually required nothing of me, financially speaking.  I planned to stay in an apartment in the Ogden area, and figured that the rest would fall into place.  Well, as I planned it, I fell upon a job that paid a significant amount of money, but the Spirit prompted me not to take it.  I ignored the prompting, because I didn't understand why God didn't want me to take the job.  Instead, I decided to move forward.  At first, it seemed wonderful and so I decided that I was just listening to my fears and such.  However, as time wore on the job became so stressful that I grew very, very depressed-actually, the most depressed I have ever been in my life.  My appetite left me, I couldn't sleep properly, I even sometimes thought of killing myself because I felt lonely much of the time.  In the end, I ended up having a nervous breakdown after leaving work early one day, and I wrote a public suicide note on Facebook.  This resulted in me being hospitalized, which turned out to be a great blessing because it healed much of my bipolar and depression I was experiencing. 

For those of you who know me, however, I have not been able to be cheerful consistently for quite a period.  Honestly, the days where I was cheerful would vary so much and even be so far and few between that I didn't know when I was truly happy and when I wasn't.  My frame of reference for my happiness had really shattered into a million pieces, and couldn't ever be put back together.  However, God knew it was necessary for that to happen, because shortly after it did, I started getting better, and better, and better, to the point where I now can usually pull my depression back in consciously when it starts getting bad.  My bipolar has stabilized, which is something I have sought after for 7 long, long years.  All the pain I went through, the loss of friends, jobs, money, self-control in addiction, temple blessings, taking the sacrament, etc... all that happened to some degree or another because of my mental illness.  But as I remained diligent, with as much cheerfulness as I could muster and find in the grace of God, I regained my mental health.  The magnitude and joy of that blessing weighs heavier than the ability of words or perhaps even music to lift it up into the light of human comprehension.  It happened, though, because I chose Christ over the world, knowing I couldn't disobey the Spirit and simultaneously have joy.  Some may wonder what happened to me temporally- God has worked literal miracles since, for I've not wanted for anything.  I am richly blessed, temporally speaking. 

In my journey of same-sex attraction, sometimes I think has been rather easy to get caught up in melodramatic nonsense, my own insecurities and self-imposed labels, the whirlwinds of attractions, infatuations, and so forth, and all the rest of it.  It calms me when I am still, and know that God is, and will deliver me.  That deliverance may come through perspective, strength, comfort, peace, and other ways, but it always comes if I wait for it.  May I submit, then, brothers and sisters, that it can be the same for each of us, no matter what?  Each of us is a spirit child of our Father in Heaven, one who delights to hold us in arms of mercy and loves to hold us up to nothing less than a standard of perfection.  Love is too great to give me or anyone else lesser things, including mediocre morality or an unrefined spirit.  If I am to pursue a loving friendship and close relationship with Jesus Christ, I believe that it is true when the scriptures say, "Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." (D&C 123:17) 

I have struggled with simply allowing myself to be loved, and it is because of the concept which C.S. Lewis so correctly identified when he stated that the sacrifice for Christ is one of the most beautifully tragic, inexorable, and intolerable compliments to us as humans.  We are so imperfect, and yet, He loved us that much!  It is like a friend who loves you and loves you, even though you are being rotten to him in so many different ways, as we are when we sin before God.  Then, your friend goes and saves your life by giving his.  While I love my Savior for holding me in arms of mercy, I also love Him for holding me in arms of justice, too.  I do not wish for a God who is entirely merciful, because a perfect being would rather see someone suffering in doing right, than committing wrongdoing.  Therefore, as I am refined in the purifying fire of affliction, I truly praise God for it, because it is the only way by which I more deeply draw closer to Him.  Something about pain manifests the love of God for us, but not because God takes pleasure in chastising us. 

When the scriptures teach that whomsoever God loves, He chastens, I am certain it is because of the effects of doing so, not referring to the action itself.  In other words, the love of God is manifest in the effects of the chastening, not the actual chastisement.  My heart is purified, I draw closer to Him, the blessings flow, purity replaces pride, and much, much more.  I think, if we could see every affliction with greater eternal perspective, looking all the way forward to our exaltation, perhaps we might even ask God for greater trials- or as President Kimball once expressed, greater mountains to climb.  In this fiery trial, experience, struggle, or whatever other label you choose to place on SSA, I have climbed over mountains of shame, lust, codependency, hurt, bitterness, fear, self-doubt, and so on. 

Why, though?  Why bother?  I have because it means something to keep trying when your feet are weary, to step forward towards the outstretched arms of Christ when the pain is almost unbearable...that moment when you want to give up and give in.  I testify that giving up and giving in is not ever, ever, ever the answer.  We are meant for so much more, and though the path might not seem familiar to our feet, as we walk along it and endure, being cheerfully diligent, I know we will make it familiar.  It is a key to finding peace in any trial.  I testify of that, and I testify of the reality of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  He knows your pain and tears in the night, He knows your name, He knows your afflictions, your worries, your anguish, your conflict.  He hears every plea, and He answers.  Even when you can't speak, even when all you can do is simply speak the name of Christ, I know He hears the depths of your sorrow.  Don't give up.  Find power in being cheerfully diligent.  I love all of you.  Until next time...

Light Arising

In these perilous times, I often feel tempted to just withdraw into my own bubble and not pay attention to the world around me.  It seems as though it would just be better if I paid attention to myself.  Fortunately, though, I have decided to never maintain such a life philosophy, for the world would sink into a little more darkness if I did not provide it my amount of light administered to me by God.  You see, I do not believe for one second that I create the light of truth, faith, hope, and love for all to see.  The light within me comes from the grace of Christ, the first lesser light being the Light of Christ, which everyone has (also known as your conscience), and the higher light given to those who enter into the baptismal covenant as a member of the true church of God, known as the Holy Spirit. 

We all have a light to shine outward into the world, and as we do, others will desire to illuminate their surroundings, until we gain a clearer understanding of where to go based on the light we surround ourselves with.  Now, some may say they do not wish to surround themselves with more light, because it seems like they have enough.  To such I would reply that although it is good to have a candle in a room, it is better to have a gas lamp.  Then as you get used to the gas lamp, and weary of having to carry it around when you wish to search for something, it becomes better to have electricity, and then to have a combination of electricity and natural light from the sun.  It is the same with light from God.  God is on every step of the staircase of light, but it is far better for us to draw nearer to the perfection of His light rather than to grow comfortable on the staircase simply because we feel some degree of His presence, rather than of His fulness. 

Recently, those of us in the United States have experienced a life-changing spiritual and temporal event, the decision of the Supreme Court to refuse hearings about same-sex marriage.  I could, at length, discuss why this is detrimental to same-sex couples, those in their families, friends of such individuals, members of society both religious and non-religious alike, and so forth.  However, such conversation only serves a peripheral purpose in the discourse I'm attempting to make here.  I've already made that discourse in a separate blog post (see "Civility, Morality, and Homosexuality"), due to the Supreme Court decision a while ago about Utah not being able to refuse same-sex marriage, and then of course the ensuing actions by the Governor to restrain such events from happening.  What I wish to do today is explain the importance of us shining as examples- warriors of light for God.  In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ taught:

"Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.  Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.  Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Matthew 5:14-16)

What's the significance, though?  Surely between others seeing our good works and glorifying our Heavenly Father, there must be an intermediate step.  That step is simply this, as spoken of by Peter:  "But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you" (1st Peter 3:15)  By having the companionship of the Spirit by denying ourselves of all ungodliness, we also shall glorify God in our hearts, thereby showing others the joy and hope we are feeling inside our hearts.  To many, our lifestyle of meeting our needs in alternative ways -especially in emotions and sex- does not indicate personal fulfillment, happiness, or self-loyalty.  However, our enduring hope and joy will prove otherwise, leading people to ask why we are so happy, fulfilled, peaceful, and optimistic about the future.  As we testify of Christ to such individuals, it can and will lead many of them to glorify our Heavenly Father-even to the point of investigating and perhaps joining the Church.  As part of the rising generation, I am shining as an example because I love my Savior, Jesus Christ, and I want to hold up His light, "that which (I) have seen (Him) do" (3rd Nephi 18:24) 

In a world of deception, confusion, chaos, and darkness, I love bearing witness of the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  In and through Him, all things are made possible.  As Paul taught:

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

Through Christ, we can endure.  This does not mean we grit our teeth and look up to heaven in exasperation, frustration, anger, sadness, etc. and tell God with heavy hearts we'll do what He wants.  No, it means that with a light heart and cheerful manner, we will do all within the power of grace to follow after Jesus Christ, by means of our agency.  And by the teachings of the scriptures, God has taught us that we can always find the way to make it through all opposition.  In some form or another, Christ will leave His mark upon our individual journey we're meant to take to come back to Him.  The principles of the gospel will remain the same, but we will discover that in obeying such principles, our execution of them will vary according to our life circumstances.  

Through this marvelous endurance, we can better understand those surrounding us who experience same-sex attraction and are struggling in their desires to follow Christ.  We can also understand how to exercise respect and civility towards anyone with differing opinions, while treating them as we would friends and family.  Everyone is a child of God, and if God does not have respect to persons, neither should we.  Let's shine His light, because His love is our reason for hoping and joying in His saving, exalting power.  I bear my witness that He lives, that He comprehends our sufferings and strugglings perfectly.  If we come to Christ, He will gently guide us back into the ways of light.  May we be His hands in that process.  Love you all.  Until next time....

Alternative Gay Pride

Thank you for taking a few moments to read my blog today.  In this post, I wish to discuss gay pride in a very different context than that we are usually used to hearing.  It is others' business if they choose to go participate in flaunting their sexuality in parades and such, but I choose not to do so because I do not believe God approves of such behavior.  I believe this because we all are spirit children of our Heavenly Father, and we are far more than our sexuality.  However, in a world where sexuality is waved around on an advertised banner (which, in this case, is rainbow-colored), and hardly regarded with respect or sanctity, I know it is our place as disciples of Christ to show others a different way.  God's way never has been flashy, conceited, morally relativistic, or otherwise varying from the path of righteousness.  His way is simple- it is Christ.  And our Savior is humble, selfless, morally black and white, and perfect in the path of righteousness.  So, how can we shine as members of the Church while experiencing same-sex attraction? 

In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ gives us the answer.  "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16)  Three essential principles exist here when it comes to setting an example out there.  First, our light and our light alone must be what shines.  When we allow our light to shine before the Lord, it acts as a beautiful light for others to follow in spiritual darkness.  For those who are willing to surrender their spiritual deafness, blindness, lameness, etc., the example of a righteous disciple leads into eternal life.  Naturally, that light will not always be well-received, for as the Savior taught, "If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you." (John 15:19)  Faithful members can take comfort in this scripture, as I do though, which declares, "We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death.  Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him.  Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren."  (1st John 3:14-16)  In essence, as we love the brethren (speaking of General Authorities) and the children of God around us, worldly people will hate us and God will continue loving us.

Second, the result of our light shining is that others will see our good works.  What good does this do for someone experiencing SSA and faithfully living church standards?  It leads others into the light and gives them inexpressible hope, because they know they're not alone.  Satan would have us believe that our example doesn't make a difference, but we make a difference whether the fruits of our work are seen or not.  Some people plant seeds, some people water them, some pull weeds, some stand guard at the garden gates, and others simply point out the beauty of the trees and their fruit.  It just depends on where you are in the beautiful journey to the destination of personal peace and same-sex attraction.  That personal peace is what everyone so desperately seeks in the Church, and some do not find it for many different reasons.  Primarily, though, it is because such people forget who they are and why they're here.  People say we're here to become like our Heavenly Father, but they misinterpret that statement.  The scriptures give insight in Abraham, where it declares, "And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them;  And they who keep their first estate shall be added upon; and they who keep not their first estate shall not have glory in the same kingdom with those who keep their first estate; and they who keep their second estate shall have glory added upon their heads for ever and ever." (Abraham 3:25-26).  

Essentially, when we do whatever the Lord wants, we get eternal life.  That doesn't mean we have to be perfect, in fact, the Lord never has asked individual perfection of us.  He merely asks that we rely on His Atonement, while making and keeping sacred covenants.  His grace is what saves and exalts us; we merely let others see our good works so that they can witness how good works change us into Christlike beings.  As a result of them witnessing that, the witness begins to grow in their hearts, leading them to glorify our Father in Heaven.  This holds true not only in this life, as members with same-sex attraction find friends, receive comforting revelation and direction, and so forth, but it also holds true in the next life when such attractions will fall away, as promised by Elder Holland.  Then those surrounding us with same-sex attraction will have even greater cause to glorify our Father in Heaven, because they will inherit all He has, partly due to our example and leading them in the ways of righteousness.  The Voices of Hope project is a perfect example of this, in which people write essays and/or testify of Christ on video, speaking truth and love regarding how it is possible through the Savior to live a faithful life, while experiencing SSA.  

It is a beautiful truth that our example can be such a marvelous example of "pride", in the sense of confidence towards our God.  As it says in Doctrine and Covenants, "...Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly, then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God....the Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion." (D&C 121:45, 46).  We are proud to be His disciples with pure thoughts, confidently walking on the pathway of righteousness in His presence and loving others by the guidance of the Holy Ghost.  This kind of figurative "pride" blesses others, quietly, anonymously, and without show or flashy flaunting.  It is the Lord's way of teaching, the way of teaching which is embodied in the statement, "Preach the gospel, and when necessary, use words."  Let's preach the gospel that way, and show others alternative gay pride.  After all, the Lord did speak of it 2,000 years ago on a rocky hill.  We can spread it everywhere today.  Until next time, my friends.  Love you all! 

"Love...As Thyself"

When you see the scripture, "Love thy neighbor as thyself", I'd imagine your first thought would turn to serving others, and admirably so.  If you look at it from a perspective of loving others as yourself, just with that little emphasis you discover an important mindset.  Your love for yourself should equal how you love others.  For some this may mean loving others more, for others, it may mean bringing themselves out of a low self-esteem, a poor self-image, and self-deprecation.  I wish to focus on the latter, and show how loving yourself as you would a good friend directly relates to the journey of same-sex attraction.

What are your thoughts regarding the phrase, "Be gentle with yourself", I wonder?  Because in all honesty, that is the mindset that will carry out the principle of loving yourself.  Some people may think of a gentleness with self in terms of the physical-taking a nap, resting up, etc.  Others may view it emotionally.  For example, you may relax through recreation, uplift yourself through positive self-affirmations, and so on.  How about when you are called upon by God to shoulder a heavy burden, a confusing/conflicting experience, or other oppositional circumstance?  I personally believe that sometimes, in my life, I've expected far too much of myself instead of allowing myself that gentle state of simply existing and communing with God.  Though I've often devoted myself to the service of others while experiencing same-sex attraction, those feelings still hold sway over me.  I can selflessly focus on others all I want, but they will still be there.  In my experience, it has been quite a journey to just be okay in the moment of everything, including unwanted, confusing, or even just annoying attractions to other men.  I would like to share how I've learned to let go of harsh treatment with myself, and instead given way for the healing of self-acceptance.  Everyone's journey with same-sex attraction varies, but we all work under the direction of the same gospel principles, and will all end up exalted if we stay on the beaten path to God.  Mine centers on one principle.

In recent weeks, I've had trials pile up on me as I have submitted myself wholly to Christ to maintain my worthiness of a temple recommend.  Old addictions, reminders of really old sins, unkind individuals, work stress , discouragement, loneliness, social rejection, and worse plagued me for 3 months.  Finally, when I had my nervous breakdown due to all the stress, I ended up having a dark evening where I lost nearly all my desire to live and hope for life.  I wrote a large suicide note on Facebook, contacted my friends and family and told them goodbye...all of it.  However, my mother persisted until finally she got a hold of me.  As we talked on the phone, I sobbed my heart out and tears poured down my face, totally breaking down emotionally.  Such is what happens when you bottle up intense emotion and just square your shoulders to the task, without ever stopping to take care of yourself and return to balance of mind, body, and spirit.

With a soul filled with gratitude, however, I watched as miracles happened.  My mother was going to pick me up, since I had calmed down quite a lot.  However, the police came to pick me up 10 minutes before she did, and I did not know who had called them.  Nobody knew where I was, and I'd checked my environment to be sure nobody knew.  Furthermore, when the police came to take me to the psychiatric ward, they informed me of the Facebook post and texts they'd seen.  How I ended up getting picked up, I still cannot say-except maybe that God was watching over me.  Other things happened too.  An eligibility specialist came to me at the hospital, and as we talked she found out I qualified for Medicaid, told me she'd file all the paperwork, and that as a result, my hospital bill and outpatient mental health services would be paid for entirely.  She further referred me to a company who has a 97% success rate in filing disability claims, where I filed an application.  Plus, I received other temporal assistance and income through a benefit of my work that kicks in when you become emotionally incapacitated like me.  Best of all, however, they figured out what was going on in my brain and I've been emotionally stable and truly, consistently happy for the first time in years.  What a gift.  I've been seeking that for what feels like forever.

Although God's children may experience exceptions due to a restriction of freedom (i.e., mental illness or learning disability), joy is typically a choice.  This results from our capacity to find happy events, people, circumstances, and so on even when life hands us the severest of trials.  When I've centered my thoughts around gratitude, it has relaxed me and pointed my path towards love for God, myself, and others.  The self is the most notable of them, since love of self rests at the core of gentleness with self.  Think of your gentleness with a baby niece or nephew.  It arises out of your love for him or her as an innocent, beautiful bundle of life.  That same sort of emotion, though more well-developed and internalized, has come about I've allowed my mind, heart, soul, and body to be okay with being loved.  That proved to be a life-changing mindset, for as I have loved myself, I've loved God more and opened myself up to Him.  I literally have fallen into the arms of my Savior after that, trusting in Him and knowing that "all things work together for the good of them that love God".  Anyone who reads this can walk in that same pathway of peace, for being gentle with yourself as you experience same-sex attraction will be a rod to hold onto, no matter what you feel, say, think, or do.  We all are progressing and learning.  Love yourself, and the world will follow after.  Until next time!  I love you all...

Alone, But Not Alone

Imagine you are part of a gathering of loved ones and/or friends, disconnected and oblivious to the love and emotional connections around you.  People stop to compliment the nice shirt you're wearing, even talk with you and tell you how wonderful it is to hear about the professional, spiritual, emotional, and other accomplishments you're achieving.  Yet, something in your heart (or head) tells you that you cannot relate, that you are not "able" to make friends there, or whatever other nonsense that you can think of that would prevent you from socializing.  I would call this either Satan's whisperings, trouble with depression or another mental illness,  or perhaps just a lack of desire to be around such individuals.  It seems as though I have often played the part of that individual, only to realize it doesn't serve me and to turn back.  How often I have believed myself to be alone, but really would have experienced companionship had I opened my eyes!

So many good people around me show me love, compassion, friendship, brotherhood, and more, and yet because they did not speak my love language, I have mistakenly thought I could not understand them at all.  Does it take perfect understanding (or any at all, I might add) to know that people are communicating love in a foreign language?  Hands that serve, gifts passing from hand to hand, smiles, laughter, hugs, hand-holding, people sitting together and talking- are these all not witnesses of love?  As I have pondered over the nature of love for the past couple of months, I have come to realize how much I, Spencer Stevens, am loved by those surrounding me.  What is my point?  You, my Reader, are loved!!!  You may feel alone, you may feel abandoned, betrayed, lost, hurt, or whatever, but I promise you have love in your life if you will open your spiritual eyes and ears to see and hear the beautiful symphony of love around you.  If a symphony is playing, and I want to know who is playing what, even deafness couldn't stop me from pointing out who is playing what instrument.  Similarly, it is the same with love languages.  Different people speak different love languages, but merely by virtue of observing them, you can easily know and feel of their meaningful existence!

In addition, even if you are the most hated, rejected, and isolated individual in the whole world, you are NEVER alone.  If you tune in through the Spirit and reach out, the inseparability of God's love will immediately reach into your soul in return and start healing your heart.  A heart can only receive love once it first gives it.  We love Him because He first loved us, John the Beloved taught, and that includes loving others-because whatever we do unto others, we do unto Him.  It is all the same.  Loving others is no different than loving God.  Therefore, as I have discovered, when we freely give our love with zero expectations of others-including reciprocation-something miraculous happens.  People begin opening up, putting down their walls, and loving us in return.  But here's the trick- it is never coerced and never put up on a scoreboard.  It never has "strings attached".  Love is everything Paul described it as... something beautiful, glorious, and celestial.  Remember that Heavenly Father and the Savior love you with deep, unwavering, and inseparable love.  The journey to opening your eyes permanently to love around you may prove difficult, but as you take it, you'll discover at first you may feel alone, but eventually come to see and feel how much you're loved and surrounded by friendship, family, acquaintences, and companionship.  Love all of you!

Love is Divine

When people say, "love is divine", they usually mean that love is completely blissful and you feel as though you spend every waking moment until death with your lover.  It reaches deep into your soul and creates a sense of wanting to sacrifice for the other person, and binds you to them in emotional, mental, and physical ways.  While all of this is true, and it tends to be how we think of love, I recently heard a statement by Elder Holland that summarizes the central and most significant part of true love.  When I was attending the Ogden temple open house, he said in the film preceding the tour, "There is something eternal in the statement, 'Neither is the man without the woman, nor the woman without the man, in the Lord'.  That is more than good sociology; it is theology, and it is doctrine."  The scriptures speak of the love of God being the highest and purest of all the forms of love we experience as mortals, such as when Paul wrote his famous discourse on charity in 1st Corinthians.  As such, since we seek to exemplify Jesus in all things, we ought to reflect that same love in the love we profess to possess in our relationships.  Love is divine, meaning that true love comes from God and can only exist in pure, wholesome circumstances. 

Elder Holland has also written other things on love.  In the BYU talk, "How Do I Love Thee?", he stated that it is not the when, why, why not, where, but the how that matters in true love.  As I contemplate this, it becomes clear to me that Elder Holland was most definitely listening to the Spirit when he told us this, because the Savior so often condemned the Pharisees and the Sadducees for doing good works for the wrong reasons.  He once even went as far to tell them that they "omit the weightier matters of the law", clarifying that they were leaving out charity from their works.  Without pure and undefiled love, the things we do and the people we engage in relationships with do not matter and often become detrimental.  Thus, the "how" also matters in love because not only must our intentions remain pure, but our feelings as well while expressing that love.  When we speak of same-sex attraction, sometimes we refer to same-sex couples (whether romantic or married, it can be either) as "being in love".  I would firmly state that because all love is divine, this is impossible.  We cannot feel something divine and holy in impure circumstances, regardless of how strictly we may observe the Law of Chastity, if we desire to spend all our time with someone, or if we make countless sacrifices for the same-sex individual whom we profess "true love" for.  Generally speaking, all arguments against my convictions of truth here center around thoughts and emotions.  However, some may feel that actions in contradiction to the Law of Chastity are also justifiable.

Brothers and sisters, Christ made the Law of Chastity very, very plain since ancient times and has since.  Sexual relations, unless otherwise revealed by practices of polygamy, are strictly for one man and one woman.  Since the days of Adam, prophets, apostles, and priesthood leaders of every kind have warned against violating this law.  We are bought with a price, and our bodies are the temples of God.  As Paul said, if we are sanctified by the Spirit and are dwelling in Christ by that same Spirit, our bodies are then temples.  If we defile ourselves as temples of God, then the Lord will destroy us if we do not repent.  There is no gray area when it comes to this law.  Either we are living it or we aren't.  Either we are abstaining from same-sex relations outside of heterosexual marriage or we are not.  Sensuality and sex are not part of God's plan before marriage, period.   The scriptures are plain as word can be on this matter, and I believe that most, if not all, reading this, are wise enough to believe and follow after them.  Enough said on that matter, then.

Moving forward, why else is love divine?  The example of our first parents, Adam and Eve, demonstrates a beautiful, sacred love story.  If we step back and look at that part of the scriptures, where everything began, it would make sense for God to follow the natural order of things.  Before He married them in the garden of Eden and commanded them to bring forth children, surely He must have allowed them to pass through the natural order of mortal romance.  It would not make sense for God to merely marry them, then command them to have children.  That would be contrary to God's nature of love, because such a scenario would bypass the feelings that lead to sex, the necessary gateway for childbearing.  Where is the scriptural evidence, then?   A wonderful quote from a BYU speech entitled, "Love and Marriage" by Theodore M. Burton states this:

"When Adam saw Eve, that glorious being who had been sealed to him as his wife, he was filled with love for her, for she had been taken symbolically from his rib next to his heart. She was not taken from his head to stand over him, nor from his breast to go before him, nor from his back to walk three paces behind him, nor from his foot to be trodden upon. She was taken symbolically from his side—close to his heart to stand by him as a noble companion.

As his heart filled with love for her, he said: 'This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man' (Genesis 2:23). What Adam meant by these words can be paraphrased thusly: 'I love her with all my heart. She is as important to me as life itself. She is as vital to me as my own flesh and bone. I treasure her as I do my own body—as much as my own life. Without her life would be meaningless. I love her!' "  If our first parents experience true, romantic love as God designed it, why then should anything have changed?  It has not- for celestial marriage is not merely the pronouncement of an eternal sealing between a man and a woman.   It is the entire process to get there and stay on that path to exaltation, being central to the Plan of Salvation, and is therefore "ordained of God" (see The Family:  A Proclamation to the World).

That leads me to my final point of why love is divine, summarized perfectly by Marvin J. Ashton when he declared:

"True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time. Too often expediency, infatuation, stimulation, persuasion, or lust are mistaken for love. How hollow, how empty if our love is no deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them!

We must at regular and appropriate intervals speak and reassure others of our love and the long time it takes to prove it by our actions. Real love does take time. The Great Shepherd had the same thoughts in mind when he taught, “If ye love me, keep my commandments” (John 14:15; italics added) and “If ye love me feed my sheep” (John 21:16; italics added). Love demands action if it is to be continuing. Love is a process. Love is not a declaration. Love is not an announcement. Love is not a passing fancy. Love is not an expediency. Love is not a convenience. “If ye love me, keep my commandments” and “If ye love me feed my sheep” are God-given proclamations that should remind us we can often best show our love..."

I testify that true love is divine, and that because of this, we must be wise to discern between what is love, and what is merely infatuation, chemical romance (which is merely that rush of feelings when you romantically get to know someone amazing), close friendship, and so forth.  Since true love is divine, it also includes the purity of the Spirit at all times, and cannot include violations of God's commandments throughout its process.  What I mean, to clarify, is that we cannot claim to be "in love" with someone while violating the Law of Chastity, or when we are acting in ways that contradict the counsel of the General Authorities.  What they speak is more than just good advice- it is the will of God for us (D&C 68:5-6).  There are so many reasons why true love is always pure and wholesome, but it is up to us to stay within those bounds of purity and wholesomeness.  If we do not, I can testify that it will lead to spiritual destruction and misery.  I have been there and I know that justifying things contrary to God's commandments to fulfill personal passions and/or desires ultimately leads to spiritual despair.  Joy comes from pursuing a close relationship to Jesus Christ, and being true to the ultimate divine love- His love.  I testify of the truth of this, with all my heart and soul.  Until next time, brothers and sisters...

Symbolic Triumph

Welcome back to my blog, my friends.  I have not written in my blog for a while due to personal life issues and the difficulty I've often encountered in coping with the draining nature of my job.  However, I have found the energy and inspiration to compose this blog post, and I hope you find it edifying.  Thank you for continuing to read this blog post, and I hope that after a year of posting, I have made some kind of remark here and there that has helped you heal in your journey with same-sex attraction.  For those who are friends and family, I hope you have discovered more awareness of the unique situation that SSA individuals (particularly members of the LDS Church) find themselves in.  Finally, all of you who are straight, nonmembers, and so on, I hope you have come to know this blog as a source of knowledge and awareness, and as well as motivation for greater love and compassion towards those who experience SSA.

Yesterday, for the first time since December of 2012, God finally granted me the marvelous blessing of being able to walk through the entrance doors into His temple, and to go all the way inside to the baptismal font.  My friends and I discussed the symbols of the temple, both inside and on the grounds, drinking in the Spirit which is there in immeasurable strength.  As I look back on my experience with the temple that day, some symbols existed for me personally to be edified by and to share as an edifying testimony for all of you to read.  The Spirit urged me to write a blog post sometime soon, and finally I experienced something that I simply couldn't resist writing about.

You see, I had my temple trip yesterday all planned out.  Things would go smoothly- I would be picked up by my rental car early in the morning, fill out a bit of paperwork, and cheerfully go on my way to do ordinances I'd dug up by doing genealogy a couple Sundays in a row.  But since Satan hated the idea of me going, he wanted to throw all he had to make it collapse around my ears...in other words, he threw a tantrum.  I was informed by the rental company I had to give them a 50.00 deposit via credit or debit card with a card in my name (which was not possible, due to an accidental overdraw on my account).  So, I was without a car.  No problem, I reasoned, my friend going with me could just pick me up.  He agreed to, but then I suddenly remembered my job interview at 11am, which was just an hour after we'd be done there.  I tried everything to make it work, only to have the Spirit prompt me to ask my friend to take me.  He agreed. More complications arose, however, because I also had to pick up dry cleaning and go get part of my job portfolio reprinted.  My friend took care of all that as well.  In short, because of the love of a friend, my spiritual and temporal needs were taken care of.

Christ once said we are His friends, if we do whatsoever He commands us.  Obeying such a sentiment would result in us being temple worthy, and as one General Authority once noted, we are never lost when we can see the temple.  But sometimes, opposition will arise when we can see the temple, when we can practically feel the recommend in our hands and hear the bishop telling us congratulations on the good work for our worthiness.  I realized based on my experience that we cannot expect things to go all perfectly on our journey to the temple and the same goes for our journey with same-sex attraction.  We may be arriving at a landmark point of being more capable of physical touch, friendship, callings in the Church, priesthood/temple worthiness, etc., all of which can help alleviate some of the inner conflict we may feel over our same-sex attraction.  Then the unthinkable and unprecedented happens, and we may well feel tempted to give up or get discouraged, as I did when my father suggested that my job interview was more important than getting to the temple (for reasons that I would say are plausible, but not totally sound).  However, we must remember as I did in that moment who is on our side and why we are doing what we are doing.  I remembered my Savior and why I wanted to be back in His holy house.  I prayed with all my heart and asked for help, which was then when things started to work out.

If you're at a place in your journey where success is within sight, and the very forces of hell itself seem to be opposing you (or even mild to moderate life issues), remember that is when you are the very closest.  Satan will lie and try with all his might to dissuade you from this truth.  But I testify to you with all my sincerity of heart that I know Christ lets opposition come at the last part of the night, only to intervene at the last minute because He knows we will remember that experience.  And when we remember it, we will cry out to Him in faith and trust again for strength and deliverance, knowing He'll be there. 

Another amazing symbol I want to tell you outright, instead of "showing" you, is that I didn't experience what I was expecting when I went to the temple.  I did not get a single ordinance done because there were people already there doing ordinances. However, I still felt the Spirit.  Sometimes, in our journey we arrive somewhere wonderful...only to complain that we are not actually experiencing the thing itself.  Examples might include talking of celestial marriage or attending a wedding reception, seeing happy families together, hearing of people receiving the priesthood or getting endowed, and so forth.  However, I know Heavenly Father sends those moments to us to inspire our hearts with love for Him and our fellow man, faith in His Son, Jesus Christ, and hope for a brighter tomorrow.  My temporary triumph over Satan has been symbolic, but sweeter than I can possibly describe to you.  Keep persevering on your similar journey to a clean, holy place filled with the Spirit, and do not give up because you cannot experience it yet.  Let the symbolic experience of it, the bad and good, testify to you that God is there and will bless you with your heart's desires in His time.  I love you all!  Until next time...