To start, I want to break up into fragments the aspects of Nephi's life that are relevant, and how:
- In Nephi's youth, it becomes clear very quickly upon a first reading of the Book of Mormon that Nephi doesn't get along well with his two older brothers, at all. They constantly complain, criticize their father, and even hit him and his younger brother with a stick! Although family conflict doesn't necessarily exist with gay guys when they're younger, I think a lot of gay guys can relate to not feeling like they belong among other men. At least, not straight men anyway. I'm not applying a stereotype here, of course, but rather am expressing a personal belief and observation, within my own realm of experience. Also, part of this experience for Nephi included standing up to his brothers on multiple occasions! How many of us gay guys have had to stand up to men around us because they were acting homophobic, ignorant, or just plain rude? I'm raising my hand right now, I'll tell you that. All of this can be found in 1st Nephi, by the way, for my lovely non-members who haven't read the Book of Mormon just yet. :)
- Nephi had to persevere through really intense trials to obtain answers to his questions, including being tied up by his brothers (twice), returning back to Jerusalem after leaving (also twice), marrying someone he possibly didn't even know beforehand, and having to exercise his faith as far as to kill someone who was standing in the way of the Lord's work!! This prophet didn't grow up in the comfort of Jerusalem the more part of his life, nor did he enjoy the luxury of typical dating & courtship. He did not even get the chance to deeply evaluate his beliefs before obeying a sudden prompting of the Spirit that could've turned his eternal welfare upside down.
So, what is the application here? Let's focus on the last two points. In the LDS Church, some gay men choose to engage in what is called a mixed-orientation marriage. Simply defined, this means a heterosexual person marrying someone of the opposite sex, who isn't heterosexual. I can attest to the confusing, even scary prospect of marrying a woman - since, after all, that is what I plan to do someday. I don't really know what I'm getting myself into, how I'm going to be sexually intimate, what it's going to be like having my own kids, etc, etc. But I do plan on following the Spirit, "not knowing beforehand the things which I should do." (1st Nephi 4:6). I don't have to see the path laid out beneath my feet, if I have the light of the Spirit to guide me one step at a time. That's really all I need. On to my other point. The Spirit not only illuminates hidden paths, but it also lights up the unexpected, faith-trying, heartwrenching kind. Think of Abraham. The Lord commanded him to sacrifice his only son as a test of faith, and as an obvious foreshadowing of Heavenly Father sacrificing His Only Begotten Son. With an assuredly bleeding, torn, and broken heart, Abraham climbed the mountain. And, just moments before the sacrifice, an angel of God prevented him from doing so. Then, God made the Abrahamic Covenant with him, in which Abraham was promised to have posterity greater than the stars in the sky, and the sands of the sea. He also was promised that through him, all the kindreds of the earth would be blessed. Similarly we, as LGBT+ Mormons, can follow through with trials of our faith that momentarily brush against the pain Christ felt in Gethsemane, and what's more, are commanded by God. I testify of this, because I have been commanded by my Heavenly Father & Savior to sacrifice things I would've never sacrificed otherwise, including my general well-being, emotional stability, and almost the entirety of my mental sanity and health. But, I testify that by small things great things are brought to pass - in other words, through small acts of cultivating, nourishing, and strengthening our faith, we can develop the type of faith that moves mountains by moving them out of our way, or empowering us to climb over them.
There's more, though. Nephi also opens up about his weaknesses & struggling with sin when he asked yearningly:
"O then, if I have seen so great things...why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions? And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?" (2nd Nephi 4:27-28) Nephi wrestled with anger management, depression, apathy, and possibly lust! But we know of the magnificent, sacred experiences Nephi had as well. Even prophets have bad days with the gospel, and struggle to understand why they are struggling!! Doesn't that sound familiar? "Why am I gay?", "Why won't God heal me of this affliction?", "How is it possible that I am slipping up with porn/being immoral/being lustful, after feeling the Spirit like that just a few hours/days/weeks ago?" are questions I am certain we have all wrestled with at some point or another, on the LGBT+ spectrum. But this doesn't mean the gospel isn't true, or that you should just quit because you supposedly cannot progress or find a way to be you and Mormon at the same time. This passage also illustrates the truth that it is 100% OKAY AND NORMAL to have sins, weaknesses, unanswered questions, and more!!! Every LDS member has them, and they're lying if they say they don't, especially with unanswered questions!
I testify that we are all Nephi. We all have to wade through adversity to find the love of God and the peace of God, at some point or another. We all wonder why we feel the Spirit one day, and then slip back into old habits of weakness & sin or old, unyielding feelings of depression and apathy the next. It's not new to the mortal experience for this to happen to anyone. It's not unusual to feel anger towards God, or a lack of desire to be charitable, or an overpowering urge to ask out, make out with, or have sex with that one special/unique individual you met not too long ago - maybe just barely! But my point in composing this blog post today isn't to make a bunch of reassurances. My purpose here is to point out that your desires, your feelings, and even your actions are NOT what define you! The Atonement of Jesus Christ makes our spiritual state today a temporary one, and thank goodness for that. For it is through His grace, mercy, and fierce love for us that we can fall down in the stupidest and most treacherous ways possible, but still choose to genuinely apologize and obtain forgiveness. I testify that Jesus Christ is the Perfect Master of Infinite Chances. He loves you SO much!!! Take advantage of that Atonement for grace to get through the next hour, the next day, and soon the next month and then year. He will not fail you. I know this, with all my heart and soul. Until next time, my lovelies.... :) <3
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