Strength From An Unexpected Place

Some time ago, I was studying the scriptures and came across a passage I must have read a hundred times.  However, this time a meaning from it struck me so meaningfully and deeply that I have not easily forgotten it.  It remains embedded in my spirit, for me to reflect on again and again.  You see, I had been struggling with what I believe many of us struggle with- a desire to attain to some ridiculous standard of perfection or golden excellence.  Due to my human nature, though, I was failing quite miserably and felt quite miserable to be honest.  The clouds were lifting, though, as I considered the following scripture:

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2nd Corinthians 12:9)

I love this scripture because the Lord revealed that His strength is made perfect in our weakness, which means two things.  The first is that when we rely on His grace in humble submission and unwavering faith, His power rests upon us and we are able to endure to the end.  That is the primary message that I would always take away from it when I read it before.  But as I studied the scripture this time around, I realized the second truth.  It teaches that our weaknesses are necessary for Christ to perfectly and beautifully demonstrate how His Atonement strengthens us in our mortal journey here.  In the words of C.S. Lewis, "Man does not exist for his own sake. 'Thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.' We were made not primarily that we may love God (though we were made for that too) but that God may love us, that we may become objects in which the divine love may rest 'well pleased' "

To me, what this means is that God has given us weaknesses that we may be humble, not necessarily as groveling creatures, but rather as moldable sons and daughters of God who are willing to pass through the refiner's fine to release our impurities.  We are indeed His children, whom He guides, speaks to, expends His power upon, and more.  God is so involved in our daily lives that I think we scarcely realize to what extent He is engaged sometimes.  I am reminded of the scripture that states, "He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him." (2nd Nephi 26:24)  To me, a proper interpretation of this scripture speaks not only of the Atonement, but also that Christ lays down His life on our behalf every single day of His eternal existence.  He does not do anything except it is for our personal benefit, and this because He loves us so much.  God is not satisfied with our current state of things until we have reached our infinite potential, touching the celestial pinnacle of our purpose in eternity.  And here, I believe as my personal opinion that God does not rest even a little with His children until they safely arrive in the Church, and then He is off again, to maintain a defense against the wiles and devices of the devil.

How, then, does this apply to same-sex attraction?  In my opinion, same-sex attraction is a weakness, but not in the sense of a person having something that needs to be fixed.  Rather, it is more like the person who has a strong pull towards food, alcohol, sex, drugs, etc.  They have a weakness for such things, and it something to be coped with- not necessarily fixed.  Anyhow, if we are assuming that SSA is a weakness, then we can also safely assume that Christ has given it to us in order to beautifully demonstrate the strength His Atonement provides.  Also, we can most definitely see that the SSA is there to manifest the glory of His Atoning sacrifice, that others might see our good works and glorify our Father in Heaven.  Regarding my personal desires to be "perfect" or strive towards some golden excellence standard, they dissipated as I realized that Christ wanted to show everyone how He was working through me in grace, love, and compassion.  I was a work of art that He wanted everyone to see, and as the Master Artist, He took great care to beautify my heart, soul, and mind in every way possible.  How amazing, I thought, as I studied.

Same-sex attraction might not ever leave in this life, and it might not even fade, but this I do know-that "all things work together for the good of them that love God, who are called according to His purpose."  And from what I can see from my own life, I have been able to inspire, serve, and bless many individuals who cope with SSA while striving to live LDS standards of chastity, dating, friendship, and so on.  It is never easy.  But if I can bring Church members closer to Christ and show them that selfish sexual gratification, disgracing marriage and family, and a lack of virtue are NOT the only way, then I have accomplished my purpose.  Every member of the Church touched by SSA in some way has a purpose, and all things will work together for their good as well.  But they all must remember that weaknesses of any kind in the journey of SSA are gifts from Jesus Christ, to be changed into personal strengths that will, in turn, strengthen others.  We are here to show that it is possible to hold up marriage and family as God intended, to preserve chastity, date wholesomely, form friendships honorably, and live decently as citizens of society.  And I know that my weaknesses are gifts from God, to rely on His Son, Jesus Christ, that His power may rest upon me. I know I can be an influence for virtue and light in this world, and I testify all of you can as well. 

I "Need" (?) Male Affection

Often enough, everyone witnesses mutual male affection in all its beauty and intimacy.  Though some might classify that sort of love as "gay", I believe it ignorant and false to assume so.  Why?  Because some straight men like physical touch with other close male friends, and sometimes even just men in general.  It happens to be the way they speak love through their love language.  That is their personality makeup.  In addition, history will show (in more decent, civilized times of society) that males in Western civilization-particularly America-expressed their love often through physical touch.  And not only did they express their love through physical touch, sometimes that touch included "taboo" things by today's terms, such as kissing on the cheek, holding hands, and giving longer hugs.  Furthermore, according to reliable research with cited resources, I have discovered that men in America and other places did not receive accusations of homosexuality or anything similar to it when doing even more extreme things such as living together, sleeping in the same places, and spending tremendous amounts of time together.  If anything happened between them sexually, then people called them homosexual.  Hence, it is ignorant and false to call men gay when they love being physically affectionate with other men, because it has been perfectly natural in the past.  All that we can conclude, really, is that someone down the line decided to decry such things as "homosexual" because they wanted to sexualize the totally non-sexual behavior of another. 

That being said, then, I wish to delve into a subject that has somewhat annoyed but also amused me for some time regarding the gay community both in and out of the Church.  You see, men who identify with homosexuality to any degree persistently insist they "need" male affection.  I am rather inclined to believe that this is not a "need" to have male affection, but instead someone needing to be needed.  Let me explain.  When someone needs to be needed (and we all know the sort), they feel they cannot live without the love they crave.  And when they do receive it, they only want more and more afterward.  It becomes a vicious cycle of "need".  I must ask my readers to consider if this is really healthy for those in the gay community who engage in this behavior; whether they are LDS or not doesn't matter.  Needing to be needed is detrimental to the journey toward peace for me as a gay individual because it pushed people away by draining them, made them feel badly about their social skills, and made them feel uncomfortable.  In addition, demanding tasks of people has had a way of creating resentment and a prejudice towards me, who demanded said tasks.  Along the journey toward peace with homosexuality, I believe it is better to want male affection in healthy ways as described above. 

I find that developing friendship with an intent for male affection later leads to better places, because one can control himself better, follow the Spirit's guidance more easily, and find positive fulfillment when the affection happens.  In addition, it can lead to healthier feelings regarding a guy's standing with his homosexuality, because he can feel more supported, accepted, and at ease among both straight and gay men alike.  Having a network of men to be affectionate with in healthy, non-sexual ways provides friendship, which is valuable for a particularly good reason identified by C.S. Lewis.  He stated that friendship is unique from the other loves in the sense that civilization can survive without it, yet it is a mercy from God that we all enjoy to better civilization and make it more joyful.  Continuing on, he said that friendship is something that does not really interact with other forms of love that much-it is very much a stand-alone sort of love.  These both are valuable concepts for gay men because oftentimes, those struggling with their sexual orientation and religion or in other ways can find hope in knowing that friendship will provide them with a merciful joy outside of their pain.  It stands alone when it is not needed, or indeed even wanted.  It comes when gay individuals can reach out and see the same truth as another, and/or share the interests that person does.  Thus, the answer is not to need or even want male affection-rather, it is to seek out common interests and truth with other men.  This will lead into friendship, and friendship will lead to affection-which, of course, is a mark of true masculinity.