"But this is not all; ye must pour out your souls in your closets, and your secret places, and in your wilderness..." (Alma 34:26)
I am rather inclined to think that when Alma was writing this scripture, he was thinking of physical places, locations that could and usually are associated with fervent, heartfelt prayers. However, nobody could dissuade me from thinking that his words also referred to more than just a tangible place like your closet or your "special place" you might retreat to for composing poetry, having a good cry, or whatever other purpose we designate for such places. To examine potentially helpful and even healing meanings behind this verse, I would love to delve a little further into it. Join me! :)
This really reaches out to my heart, this verse, first & foremost because it says the word "must". Alma isn't just saying, "Look, guys. Prayer is a commandment of our Heavenly Father, so we gotta do it." In fact, I don't think he is really saying that at all. Verses 20-25 are largely if not entirely speaking to public situations, places where literally anyone could be found calling upon God. But, this verse is so very intimate and private, to where it feels like it is not only addressing me personally, but it is also addressing me in very private settings. I want to explore each of them:
1. "In your closets..." (no pun intended lol). To me, this says, "All of you, even when you're mingling with other children of God...find yourself some privacy, and pour out your heart, not regarding what man may think." A closet definitely could be a big toss-up - you never know what may happen as a result of stepping in & pouring your heart out. In my case, someone might hear me because of my exceedingly intense emotions. Or, someone might be drawn to observe & eavesdrop on me, for the same reasons. In my world, though, I strive to disregard the opinions of others. Why. Because, They. Are. Irrelevant. Especially when it comes to my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. :) :) :)
2. "In your secret places..." This is SO much more than private, it is me intentionally hiding something from my Heavenly Father. It could be sin, it could be weakness...it could be a flare of potential for selfless service and spiritual gifts, or it could be numerous (countless, really) other things. <3 The silly and ironic thing here is, no place in my heart or my mind could truly be hidden from my Savior or my Heavenly Father. I'm really the only one being wounded by such a "secret place", so to speak. Now the really important question is, what am I hiding in my own little "secret place", if any?? What am I stuffing there to "handle on my own", and "suck up" about??? While a secret place can definitely be positive when I use it for my own personal benefit, trying (and inevitably failing, as we've discussed here) to create such a place in direct defiance, fear of, or opposition towards our Heavenly Father does not get me anywhere. I create more pain by resisting the truth, perfect righteousness, and wholesome, perfect love of my Heavenly Father, instead of yielding to its current in humility.
3. "...And in your wilderness..." This one is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE!!! :) :) Firstly, the "and" in this phrase means that I cannot simply pick one of these three places. I "must" (using the word from at the beginning here) incorporate this as an addition to the former two points, not as an exclusive selection from among them. All of this messy, lovely, and sometimes terribly awful stuff written about above is most beautifully and succintly packaged together by that simple word, "and", found at the beginning of this lovely, scriptural phrase. :) :) That being said, the most important aspect of this phrase carefully plucked out of Alma 34:26 is that it speaks to the most spiritually challenging, faith-crisis-invoking place any mortal could find himself/herself in. I would call it accurate to label this place as a wilderness - a barren wasteland in which little or no relief is found. This is the place just before, during, or even after a faith crisis. It is the emotionally, spiritually, and mentally taxing place where sexuality and the gospel simultaneously meet and conflict. And, it is the place of mental illness, where personal actions, thoughts, beliefs, and feelings are distorted so much that relationships/friendships are damaged or even doomed, family suffers at your hand, and doubt, fear, and spiritual anxiety all set in, sometimes all at once. It can feel like some kind of disease setting in, honestly, beyond what it all already is. :/ :/ It is somewhere that, as I am typing these words, I have recently been and am still feeling trace effects from.
But, only the Savior and the Father can provide the rest I have also recently experienced - that blessed rest reserved for those who try...not for the perfect, unwaveringly believing, consistently faithful every single day...no. This rest, this escape from our wilderness created by where our faith and sexuality meet, from the quiet, desperate places in which we hide our sin, our shame, our weakness, our potential, and more, it is for EVERYONE WHO TRIES!!! Satan would have you believe that you have to "close the gap" between yourself and Divinity, that you gotta "earn your right" to pray or to have some kind of access to your beloved Heavenly Parents & your Savior, or something along these lines. But I pray you will feel the charitable forcefulness of my words when I declare to you that THIS IS A LIE. Do not believe it! I know it can be difficult, especially when Satan has the gall to kick you when you're in the depths of depression or the throes of mental illness. But, just reach out, even if it only makes logical sense to do so!!! Better to sense that your Savior is there, loving and supporting you, or even only to want to believe it, than to listen to the voice of him who wants to destroy you. He does not care about your potential, your feelings, your wishes, dreams, hopes, or goals, and especially not how BLOODY AWFUL it can feel at times to be LGBTQ and Mormon!!! But, your Savior does. :) :) He cares about it all, not out of some obligation to save you or be there for you. He's not standing near each of us, kicking the ground in a pouty way and grumbling, "Well, I guess I have to help you out..." Lol. But, how often do we believe something not too far from that?
I testify of the beautiful, emotionally intimate, blessed reality of our Savior's Atonement, of its extraordinary majesty to not only be far off distant as an act we admire, but a closely personal event in our hearts that gives us grace to move forward in this difficult life. I testify of the truthfulness of our Savior's words when He boldly, but gently said, "I am come that men might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." (John 10:10) I believe wholeheartedly that He does not want us to suffer in the spiritual, emotional, and mental deprivation of "celibacy", but rather invites us to be chaste and to discover actual fulfillment through another, unique path. In my own life, I have discovered this path. It is the way of the spiritual friendship/emotional companionship, or as some spiritualists would call it, a Twin Flame relationship. Such a relationship does not include sexual intimacy or romantic expression, but rather involves two people who mirror each other's souls, who share such a deep, sacred emotional connection that only those who engage in it are capable of fully comprehending it. I have discovered that such a connection fills me up and meets my emotional needs, and as it does so, my sexual desires calm down or dissipate entirely. Everyone is different, however, so I am not going to promise any specific outcome. I do believe with my whole heart and soul, though, that Jesus is more than able and more than willing to provide any LGBTQ+ individual with this blessing. Anyone who is ready to receive may receive it - they just have to ask Heavenly Father for it in faith, and then patiently wait, trusting in His perfect timing and love to intervene.
Finally, I testify that our Savior and Father in Heaven both will move in our lives with a beautiful, transformative intervention, to help ensure that we stay on the covenant path. However, because of their omniscience (perfect knowledge of all things), They understand when the very best moment is to intervene. Such an act does not exclude our desires, ignore our pain, or even gloss over the intimate details of our requests. No...it shows mercy, grace, and perfect love, because by acting at the precisely most beneficial moment, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ provide us with the most far-reaching, long-lasting benefits we seek from Their hands. It is better to trust in Divine Timing, than it is to impatiently or desperately seek an earlier intervention at their hands - be that an answer, more complex wisdom, or even a greater miracle. I know this is true, and someday you will also come to this wonderful knowledge, Dear Reader. Much love and kisses!!! :) :) :) Until next time...
