But...it gets better. Haha.
You see, I have a lovely lady friend in my ward who I connect with pretty darn well. We relate in many different respects, and often have lovely conversations with each other. This lady friend saw me almost immediately when I came into the chapel after sacrament had ended, and she flapped her hands at me to draw me over to her. My depression was yelling, "No, no, don't talk with her or ANYONE!!! You know you don't want to!" I ignored that voice's direction, though still very much feeling my overall feeling of gloomy, dark depression. Right as I sat down she said, "Well hello, Mr. Gloomy!" Totally nonplussed, all I said was, "Um, what?" She replied, "Oh, you just look really gloomy today. What's goin on, how ya doin?" And although I resisted her initial attempts to figure that out, eventually she coaxed that info out with some loving, validating remarks and questions. Which also coaxed out a waterfall of tears and blubbering. I am glad I sat by her, though, because the conversation that followed really lifted a significant burden off my heart and "shoulders", so to speak. It felt so much better after I had just vented all of my feelings and just given them a fair voice, a fair chance to really be heard. So, what's even the point of my random, personal story?? Let me tell you...
I have observed in the LGBT+ Mormon community that we handle our attractions & the emotions surrounding them in unhealthy, or at least unhelpful, ways. Shame, guilt, Church culture, family upbringing, social norms, and other factors prevent us from truly expressing our attractions and the feelings related to them. For example, I will say something when I see a hot/cute/handsome man in public to either to myself or to a friend. It validates that my feelings, attractions, thoughts, whatever are NOT bad, but are natural and to be expected on a regular basis, just as is the case with heterosexual men. I've noticed that when at least a few of us are together, we feel safe making such comments. Not saying it's for everyone, but why not try it with friends we're close enough with?? The worst that could happen with a true friend is that they'd be uncomfortable, and there would be some temporary awkwardness. Better to share in the awkwardness with a friend, than to have to sit with it inside, all by yourself. Nobody around you knows what that restrictive, discomforting, and strange feeling is like...so why not share it sometimes, if they love you? Haha. Nothing wrong with that, is there? "Bear ye one another's burdens, that they may be light." Yes, this is included in the baptismal covenant we all have taken as members. I also view it as positive to start a healthy conversation.
However, this is about SO much more than just saying a guy/girl is hot when you're gay, lesbian, bi, or whatever. It's more than starting a conversation, or sharing your burden with a fellow disciple of Christ. My post today centers around the perhaps strange idea to run into your attractions & related feelings, rather than avoiding, minimizing, shelving, repressing, or at worst, ignoring them altogether. The need to love and be loved is the strongest of human needs, and if we're silencing the things inside that speak to unrequited, unfulfilled, or frustrated same-sex love, we are going to suffer for it. And, we do! There is a reason why you are driven to view porn and to jack off to it, if you'll forgive the crass expression. There is most definitely a reason why you feel a need to cling to that one man who has opened his heart to you as a good/close friend, or why you're searching for that "one friend who will make everything okay". And, there is most definitely and beyond a shadow of a doubt a reason why you have periods of "binge gay-ing", where you talk about your gayness (or other form of sexuality), laugh at inappropriate jokes surrounding it, post about it on social media, and essentially keep it in front of your face and others' faces for quite a period of time. It's because you're not giving your attractions a genuine and productive outlet! There's quite a difference between just flashing your sexuality about like the U.S. flag for everyone to see and wonder at, and then really sitting with how your sexuality feels, looks, talks, breathes...everything!
I've written about this before in previous blog posts if you'd like to take a look, but I cannot overemphasize the absolutely essential role of intimate, same-sex friendships. I really cannot. These also give a "voice" and "expression" to your sexuality, because it's a way of channeling that unrequited, unfulfilled, and frustrated energy into a number of gospel-related friendships. When you can't engage in sex or romance with the same sex, it leaves you with only one major option as far as fulfilling emotional intimacy is concerned - platonic relationships. So, if you've got a bunch of this stagnant, festering romantic and sexual energy directed at the same sex, how can you possibly expect to feel happy and healthy with all that bottled up, with nowhere to go? You can't! Lol. It's impossible. Wherever desire is left unfulfilled, it must be redirected to a virtuous, gospel-centered outlet as a replacement. Emotionally intimate friendship is that outlet. Now, I'm sure you're saying, "But Spencer, I'm lonely and I'm trying to make friends! It's not working!!" May I suggest gently and compassionately that perhaps it's time to take things a step further and work at loving yourself? Obviously, most of us in this situation aren't gazing into a mirror, all in love with ourselves and whatnot. But, some of us struggle to love ourselves by practicing good self-care, forgiving ourselves, taking it easy on ourselves when we screw up, and so on. And, I have always firmly believed that it is much, much harder to form healthy, intimate friendships or relationships in general when you struggle to love yourself first. This is because you cannot draw sufficient water out of a dry or drying-up well. Cultivating love for yourself in your heart creates a space where you can first take care of yourself, so you can then best love others and form positive, fulfilling friendships/relationships with them. :) :)
I testify that the Spirit can help you in these endeavors of loving yourself, loving others, and drawing good, loving people into your life. I testify that I know this because of personal experience. I also testify from personal experience that the Spirit can witness to you who will be a good friend for you, who to avoid, and also how to have smooth social interactions, by telling what is and is not appropriate in any given situation. :) I bear my witness that our Heavenly Father and our Savior both love you very, very much, more than you can comprehend, and they DO want you to lead a life that is both centered on Christ and filled with happiness and the joy that only They can give you. And, if you persevere down the gospel path, I testify last of all that you can find a socially, emotionally, and overall abundant life if you will only learn how to trust your Savior. He will take you and lead you by the hand, if you are humble (D&C 112:10). I have experienced this, and I know you can, too. Love you guys!!! Until next time... :) :) :)
