Cheerfully Diligent

In a world of so much complaining, noise, distraction, darkness, and all the rest of it, sometimes I wonder why I sometimes join in and listen to all the negativity.  Doubtlessly Satan has a hand in it, certainly he would have us wallow in it.  What of Christ, though?  What would He have us do in times of hardship?  I would like to share a narrative, rather than the typical tone of doctrinal dissertation or even advice to live differently.  If anything, I hope to accomplish my goal of directing you towards heaven and towards Christ, by the medium of personal revelation.  I do not subscribe to the morally relativistic philosophy found in the Church which states that we each live our own truth, or our own way.  Such behavior of determining your own path of truth is condemned by the holy scriptures, when Christ said, "They seek not the Lord to establish his righteousness, but every man walketh in his own way, and after the image of his own god, which image is in the likeness of the world, and whose substance is that of an idol..." (D&C 1:16)  It is the pathway to seeking to have a summer home in Babylon, as Elder Maxwell explained, while residing most of the time in Zion.  If we are to truly say that we bid Babylon farewell, then it must be a permanent choice.  And, as I've discovered, this is when the true magic of the gospel transforms our lives-when the Atonement of Christ changes not just what we know, but who we are. 

Back in April, I was seeking out employment somewhat desperately, because I thirsted for the freedom of emotional independence and financial stability.  My last employer had terminated me wrongfully, and through a tender mercy of God, I was staying with a good friend of mine who virtually required nothing of me, financially speaking.  I planned to stay in an apartment in the Ogden area, and figured that the rest would fall into place.  Well, as I planned it, I fell upon a job that paid a significant amount of money, but the Spirit prompted me not to take it.  I ignored the prompting, because I didn't understand why God didn't want me to take the job.  Instead, I decided to move forward.  At first, it seemed wonderful and so I decided that I was just listening to my fears and such.  However, as time wore on the job became so stressful that I grew very, very depressed-actually, the most depressed I have ever been in my life.  My appetite left me, I couldn't sleep properly, I even sometimes thought of killing myself because I felt lonely much of the time.  In the end, I ended up having a nervous breakdown after leaving work early one day, and I wrote a public suicide note on Facebook.  This resulted in me being hospitalized, which turned out to be a great blessing because it healed much of my bipolar and depression I was experiencing. 

For those of you who know me, however, I have not been able to be cheerful consistently for quite a period.  Honestly, the days where I was cheerful would vary so much and even be so far and few between that I didn't know when I was truly happy and when I wasn't.  My frame of reference for my happiness had really shattered into a million pieces, and couldn't ever be put back together.  However, God knew it was necessary for that to happen, because shortly after it did, I started getting better, and better, and better, to the point where I now can usually pull my depression back in consciously when it starts getting bad.  My bipolar has stabilized, which is something I have sought after for 7 long, long years.  All the pain I went through, the loss of friends, jobs, money, self-control in addiction, temple blessings, taking the sacrament, etc... all that happened to some degree or another because of my mental illness.  But as I remained diligent, with as much cheerfulness as I could muster and find in the grace of God, I regained my mental health.  The magnitude and joy of that blessing weighs heavier than the ability of words or perhaps even music to lift it up into the light of human comprehension.  It happened, though, because I chose Christ over the world, knowing I couldn't disobey the Spirit and simultaneously have joy.  Some may wonder what happened to me temporally- God has worked literal miracles since, for I've not wanted for anything.  I am richly blessed, temporally speaking. 

In my journey of same-sex attraction, sometimes I think has been rather easy to get caught up in melodramatic nonsense, my own insecurities and self-imposed labels, the whirlwinds of attractions, infatuations, and so forth, and all the rest of it.  It calms me when I am still, and know that God is, and will deliver me.  That deliverance may come through perspective, strength, comfort, peace, and other ways, but it always comes if I wait for it.  May I submit, then, brothers and sisters, that it can be the same for each of us, no matter what?  Each of us is a spirit child of our Father in Heaven, one who delights to hold us in arms of mercy and loves to hold us up to nothing less than a standard of perfection.  Love is too great to give me or anyone else lesser things, including mediocre morality or an unrefined spirit.  If I am to pursue a loving friendship and close relationship with Jesus Christ, I believe that it is true when the scriptures say, "Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." (D&C 123:17) 

I have struggled with simply allowing myself to be loved, and it is because of the concept which C.S. Lewis so correctly identified when he stated that the sacrifice for Christ is one of the most beautifully tragic, inexorable, and intolerable compliments to us as humans.  We are so imperfect, and yet, He loved us that much!  It is like a friend who loves you and loves you, even though you are being rotten to him in so many different ways, as we are when we sin before God.  Then, your friend goes and saves your life by giving his.  While I love my Savior for holding me in arms of mercy, I also love Him for holding me in arms of justice, too.  I do not wish for a God who is entirely merciful, because a perfect being would rather see someone suffering in doing right, than committing wrongdoing.  Therefore, as I am refined in the purifying fire of affliction, I truly praise God for it, because it is the only way by which I more deeply draw closer to Him.  Something about pain manifests the love of God for us, but not because God takes pleasure in chastising us. 

When the scriptures teach that whomsoever God loves, He chastens, I am certain it is because of the effects of doing so, not referring to the action itself.  In other words, the love of God is manifest in the effects of the chastening, not the actual chastisement.  My heart is purified, I draw closer to Him, the blessings flow, purity replaces pride, and much, much more.  I think, if we could see every affliction with greater eternal perspective, looking all the way forward to our exaltation, perhaps we might even ask God for greater trials- or as President Kimball once expressed, greater mountains to climb.  In this fiery trial, experience, struggle, or whatever other label you choose to place on SSA, I have climbed over mountains of shame, lust, codependency, hurt, bitterness, fear, self-doubt, and so on. 

Why, though?  Why bother?  I have because it means something to keep trying when your feet are weary, to step forward towards the outstretched arms of Christ when the pain is almost unbearable...that moment when you want to give up and give in.  I testify that giving up and giving in is not ever, ever, ever the answer.  We are meant for so much more, and though the path might not seem familiar to our feet, as we walk along it and endure, being cheerfully diligent, I know we will make it familiar.  It is a key to finding peace in any trial.  I testify of that, and I testify of the reality of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  He knows your pain and tears in the night, He knows your name, He knows your afflictions, your worries, your anguish, your conflict.  He hears every plea, and He answers.  Even when you can't speak, even when all you can do is simply speak the name of Christ, I know He hears the depths of your sorrow.  Don't give up.  Find power in being cheerfully diligent.  I love all of you.  Until next time...

Light Arising

In these perilous times, I often feel tempted to just withdraw into my own bubble and not pay attention to the world around me.  It seems as though it would just be better if I paid attention to myself.  Fortunately, though, I have decided to never maintain such a life philosophy, for the world would sink into a little more darkness if I did not provide it my amount of light administered to me by God.  You see, I do not believe for one second that I create the light of truth, faith, hope, and love for all to see.  The light within me comes from the grace of Christ, the first lesser light being the Light of Christ, which everyone has (also known as your conscience), and the higher light given to those who enter into the baptismal covenant as a member of the true church of God, known as the Holy Spirit. 

We all have a light to shine outward into the world, and as we do, others will desire to illuminate their surroundings, until we gain a clearer understanding of where to go based on the light we surround ourselves with.  Now, some may say they do not wish to surround themselves with more light, because it seems like they have enough.  To such I would reply that although it is good to have a candle in a room, it is better to have a gas lamp.  Then as you get used to the gas lamp, and weary of having to carry it around when you wish to search for something, it becomes better to have electricity, and then to have a combination of electricity and natural light from the sun.  It is the same with light from God.  God is on every step of the staircase of light, but it is far better for us to draw nearer to the perfection of His light rather than to grow comfortable on the staircase simply because we feel some degree of His presence, rather than of His fulness. 

Recently, those of us in the United States have experienced a life-changing spiritual and temporal event, the decision of the Supreme Court to refuse hearings about same-sex marriage.  I could, at length, discuss why this is detrimental to same-sex couples, those in their families, friends of such individuals, members of society both religious and non-religious alike, and so forth.  However, such conversation only serves a peripheral purpose in the discourse I'm attempting to make here.  I've already made that discourse in a separate blog post (see "Civility, Morality, and Homosexuality"), due to the Supreme Court decision a while ago about Utah not being able to refuse same-sex marriage, and then of course the ensuing actions by the Governor to restrain such events from happening.  What I wish to do today is explain the importance of us shining as examples- warriors of light for God.  In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ taught:

"Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.  Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.  Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Matthew 5:14-16)

What's the significance, though?  Surely between others seeing our good works and glorifying our Heavenly Father, there must be an intermediate step.  That step is simply this, as spoken of by Peter:  "But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you" (1st Peter 3:15)  By having the companionship of the Spirit by denying ourselves of all ungodliness, we also shall glorify God in our hearts, thereby showing others the joy and hope we are feeling inside our hearts.  To many, our lifestyle of meeting our needs in alternative ways -especially in emotions and sex- does not indicate personal fulfillment, happiness, or self-loyalty.  However, our enduring hope and joy will prove otherwise, leading people to ask why we are so happy, fulfilled, peaceful, and optimistic about the future.  As we testify of Christ to such individuals, it can and will lead many of them to glorify our Heavenly Father-even to the point of investigating and perhaps joining the Church.  As part of the rising generation, I am shining as an example because I love my Savior, Jesus Christ, and I want to hold up His light, "that which (I) have seen (Him) do" (3rd Nephi 18:24) 

In a world of deception, confusion, chaos, and darkness, I love bearing witness of the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  In and through Him, all things are made possible.  As Paul taught:

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

Through Christ, we can endure.  This does not mean we grit our teeth and look up to heaven in exasperation, frustration, anger, sadness, etc. and tell God with heavy hearts we'll do what He wants.  No, it means that with a light heart and cheerful manner, we will do all within the power of grace to follow after Jesus Christ, by means of our agency.  And by the teachings of the scriptures, God has taught us that we can always find the way to make it through all opposition.  In some form or another, Christ will leave His mark upon our individual journey we're meant to take to come back to Him.  The principles of the gospel will remain the same, but we will discover that in obeying such principles, our execution of them will vary according to our life circumstances.  

Through this marvelous endurance, we can better understand those surrounding us who experience same-sex attraction and are struggling in their desires to follow Christ.  We can also understand how to exercise respect and civility towards anyone with differing opinions, while treating them as we would friends and family.  Everyone is a child of God, and if God does not have respect to persons, neither should we.  Let's shine His light, because His love is our reason for hoping and joying in His saving, exalting power.  I bear my witness that He lives, that He comprehends our sufferings and strugglings perfectly.  If we come to Christ, He will gently guide us back into the ways of light.  May we be His hands in that process.  Love you all.  Until next time....