Powerfully Independent

Ever been attached to someone  so fiercely you "couldn't live without them"?  In my journey with SSA, I have often discovered that this emotion creeps up on me and seizes my self-confidence.  Not to mention my joy, self-fulfillment, personal pursuits, etc.  All of them go down the drain, and I sit around and wonder in my depressed state, "What the heck went wrong?  Am I truly that undesirable, broken, or negative?"  Over time, however, I have realized something.  I cannot draw my fulfillment, joy, fulfillment, or anything else positive for me from other people.  Since Heavenly Father and the Savior love me for me, just like one friend loves another, I can draw joy out of those relationships.  On my journey with SSA, I've often said with different men that I felt like I couldn't live a full life without them, or that I needed male friends to be happy.  I have said in the past that I didn't believe men needed male affection, and I meant that.  However, I only meant it in the sense that it is not essential to man's survival, physically and spiritually speaking.  As for his mental and emotional survival, yes, I do believe that.  I have found, though, that defining a clear, obvious line between healthy & unhealthy friendship and affection always turns out for the better.

One essential component, though many exist, to having such a boundary is learning how to be emotionally independent.  As I journey with my SSA and my bipolar simultaneously, I have to carefully lay down firm boundaries related to that emotional independence.  For example, if someone is acting manipulative - including me - I stop that person and assertively tell them that I do not go along with that kind of behavior.  I also am very firm about taking time off for myself.  If I'm going somewhere alone, I'm going alone.  If I go somewhere to relax, nobody is going to bother me because my cell phone will be off.  And if people mock, reject, or otherwise try to hurt me, I do my very best to simply brush it off, while assertively letting the person know that their behavior is not acceptable and I'm distancing myself/saying goodbye.  Giving myself permission to relax and be happy, while also standing up for myself, has empowered me countless times to enjoy the power of being emotionally independent.

So, what's the big deal?  What's the significance in reference to SSA?  I feel it has several applications.  Here's just a few as food for thought:

1.  Emotional independence gives you power to make wise decisions primarily based on logic, versus just going off of emotion and acting rashly.  In other words, people do not control your actions for any reason- you do.  Think of the significance.  In faith crises, hours of loneliness, positive changes in belief towards gospel principles (i.e., chastity, sanctity of celestial marriage, etc.), and more all carry weight for your journey with SSA.  If someone is able to push buttons and sway such crucial areas in your life, it may be time to rethink emotional independence in your life.

2. This great perspective also enables you to objectively view male relationships of any kind, and at any developmental point, regardless of religious belief or personal background.  How?  By taking control of your emotions, you are allowing your spirit to have dominance over your flesh.  Let me explain. If I can see x guy who I'm attracted to objectively, I can stand back and rein my emotions in.  Then I can persuade my spirit to win over, and I'll see him as he is in every aspect, instead of an object for lustful desire or even just a pursuit of infatuation.  Now, this is my experience.  I'm not necessarily saying it will be for everyone.  However, I have found it is the case for me.

3.  Finally, such a viewpoint also clarifies the obvious and not-so-obvious boundaries of "acting on SSA".  When you are emotionally independent, others do not sway your emotions at their discretion, as we discussed.  A byproduct of such a mindset is that you are in control of your emotions, and therefore know where your sexual and romantic boundaries lie.  Some things are obvious.  Sex or sensuality of any kind is not permissible under the Lord's standards, and it is not determined by our perception.  God's word establishes truth, and we are merely the actors and actresses playing it out or ignoring it.  But for the not-so-obvious boundaries, such as holding hands or very lengthy hugs, that is within the individual's determination, because such depend on the individual.  Some may trigger sexual/romantic feelings, others, not as much. God knows our hearts, and will judge us by our actions and our intentions.

As a side note, I have at times experienced physical affection or friendship that I thought was healthy, but afterward felt unfulfilled and simply craved more.  Such is unhealthy, because typically I've found I go at such friendship or affection with that craving desire to begin with.  However, when I am in an emotionally independent place, considering the other person's boundaries as well, I find that it is a beautiful, intimate, and sometimes even sacred experience.  Healthy male friendship and affection happen as gifts of God, provided they are done in the right context.  As such, I would encourage everyone reading this to foster emotionally independence.  You'll discover the power it creates for you in your journey with SSA.  I promise.  Until next time, everyone... hope you find joy and fulfillment in healthy friendship and affection.  Love you all!  :)

Cheerfully Diligent

In a world of so much complaining, noise, distraction, darkness, and all the rest of it, sometimes I wonder why I sometimes join in and listen to all the negativity.  Doubtlessly Satan has a hand in it, certainly he would have us wallow in it.  What of Christ, though?  What would He have us do in times of hardship?  I would like to share a narrative, rather than the typical tone of doctrinal dissertation or even advice to live differently.  If anything, I hope to accomplish my goal of directing you towards heaven and towards Christ, by the medium of personal revelation.  I do not subscribe to the morally relativistic philosophy found in the Church which states that we each live our own truth, or our own way.  Such behavior of determining your own path of truth is condemned by the holy scriptures, when Christ said, "They seek not the Lord to establish his righteousness, but every man walketh in his own way, and after the image of his own god, which image is in the likeness of the world, and whose substance is that of an idol..." (D&C 1:16)  It is the pathway to seeking to have a summer home in Babylon, as Elder Maxwell explained, while residing most of the time in Zion.  If we are to truly say that we bid Babylon farewell, then it must be a permanent choice.  And, as I've discovered, this is when the true magic of the gospel transforms our lives-when the Atonement of Christ changes not just what we know, but who we are. 

Back in April, I was seeking out employment somewhat desperately, because I thirsted for the freedom of emotional independence and financial stability.  My last employer had terminated me wrongfully, and through a tender mercy of God, I was staying with a good friend of mine who virtually required nothing of me, financially speaking.  I planned to stay in an apartment in the Ogden area, and figured that the rest would fall into place.  Well, as I planned it, I fell upon a job that paid a significant amount of money, but the Spirit prompted me not to take it.  I ignored the prompting, because I didn't understand why God didn't want me to take the job.  Instead, I decided to move forward.  At first, it seemed wonderful and so I decided that I was just listening to my fears and such.  However, as time wore on the job became so stressful that I grew very, very depressed-actually, the most depressed I have ever been in my life.  My appetite left me, I couldn't sleep properly, I even sometimes thought of killing myself because I felt lonely much of the time.  In the end, I ended up having a nervous breakdown after leaving work early one day, and I wrote a public suicide note on Facebook.  This resulted in me being hospitalized, which turned out to be a great blessing because it healed much of my bipolar and depression I was experiencing. 

For those of you who know me, however, I have not been able to be cheerful consistently for quite a period.  Honestly, the days where I was cheerful would vary so much and even be so far and few between that I didn't know when I was truly happy and when I wasn't.  My frame of reference for my happiness had really shattered into a million pieces, and couldn't ever be put back together.  However, God knew it was necessary for that to happen, because shortly after it did, I started getting better, and better, and better, to the point where I now can usually pull my depression back in consciously when it starts getting bad.  My bipolar has stabilized, which is something I have sought after for 7 long, long years.  All the pain I went through, the loss of friends, jobs, money, self-control in addiction, temple blessings, taking the sacrament, etc... all that happened to some degree or another because of my mental illness.  But as I remained diligent, with as much cheerfulness as I could muster and find in the grace of God, I regained my mental health.  The magnitude and joy of that blessing weighs heavier than the ability of words or perhaps even music to lift it up into the light of human comprehension.  It happened, though, because I chose Christ over the world, knowing I couldn't disobey the Spirit and simultaneously have joy.  Some may wonder what happened to me temporally- God has worked literal miracles since, for I've not wanted for anything.  I am richly blessed, temporally speaking. 

In my journey of same-sex attraction, sometimes I think has been rather easy to get caught up in melodramatic nonsense, my own insecurities and self-imposed labels, the whirlwinds of attractions, infatuations, and so forth, and all the rest of it.  It calms me when I am still, and know that God is, and will deliver me.  That deliverance may come through perspective, strength, comfort, peace, and other ways, but it always comes if I wait for it.  May I submit, then, brothers and sisters, that it can be the same for each of us, no matter what?  Each of us is a spirit child of our Father in Heaven, one who delights to hold us in arms of mercy and loves to hold us up to nothing less than a standard of perfection.  Love is too great to give me or anyone else lesser things, including mediocre morality or an unrefined spirit.  If I am to pursue a loving friendship and close relationship with Jesus Christ, I believe that it is true when the scriptures say, "Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." (D&C 123:17) 

I have struggled with simply allowing myself to be loved, and it is because of the concept which C.S. Lewis so correctly identified when he stated that the sacrifice for Christ is one of the most beautifully tragic, inexorable, and intolerable compliments to us as humans.  We are so imperfect, and yet, He loved us that much!  It is like a friend who loves you and loves you, even though you are being rotten to him in so many different ways, as we are when we sin before God.  Then, your friend goes and saves your life by giving his.  While I love my Savior for holding me in arms of mercy, I also love Him for holding me in arms of justice, too.  I do not wish for a God who is entirely merciful, because a perfect being would rather see someone suffering in doing right, than committing wrongdoing.  Therefore, as I am refined in the purifying fire of affliction, I truly praise God for it, because it is the only way by which I more deeply draw closer to Him.  Something about pain manifests the love of God for us, but not because God takes pleasure in chastising us. 

When the scriptures teach that whomsoever God loves, He chastens, I am certain it is because of the effects of doing so, not referring to the action itself.  In other words, the love of God is manifest in the effects of the chastening, not the actual chastisement.  My heart is purified, I draw closer to Him, the blessings flow, purity replaces pride, and much, much more.  I think, if we could see every affliction with greater eternal perspective, looking all the way forward to our exaltation, perhaps we might even ask God for greater trials- or as President Kimball once expressed, greater mountains to climb.  In this fiery trial, experience, struggle, or whatever other label you choose to place on SSA, I have climbed over mountains of shame, lust, codependency, hurt, bitterness, fear, self-doubt, and so on. 

Why, though?  Why bother?  I have because it means something to keep trying when your feet are weary, to step forward towards the outstretched arms of Christ when the pain is almost unbearable...that moment when you want to give up and give in.  I testify that giving up and giving in is not ever, ever, ever the answer.  We are meant for so much more, and though the path might not seem familiar to our feet, as we walk along it and endure, being cheerfully diligent, I know we will make it familiar.  It is a key to finding peace in any trial.  I testify of that, and I testify of the reality of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  He knows your pain and tears in the night, He knows your name, He knows your afflictions, your worries, your anguish, your conflict.  He hears every plea, and He answers.  Even when you can't speak, even when all you can do is simply speak the name of Christ, I know He hears the depths of your sorrow.  Don't give up.  Find power in being cheerfully diligent.  I love all of you.  Until next time...

Light Arising

In these perilous times, I often feel tempted to just withdraw into my own bubble and not pay attention to the world around me.  It seems as though it would just be better if I paid attention to myself.  Fortunately, though, I have decided to never maintain such a life philosophy, for the world would sink into a little more darkness if I did not provide it my amount of light administered to me by God.  You see, I do not believe for one second that I create the light of truth, faith, hope, and love for all to see.  The light within me comes from the grace of Christ, the first lesser light being the Light of Christ, which everyone has (also known as your conscience), and the higher light given to those who enter into the baptismal covenant as a member of the true church of God, known as the Holy Spirit. 

We all have a light to shine outward into the world, and as we do, others will desire to illuminate their surroundings, until we gain a clearer understanding of where to go based on the light we surround ourselves with.  Now, some may say they do not wish to surround themselves with more light, because it seems like they have enough.  To such I would reply that although it is good to have a candle in a room, it is better to have a gas lamp.  Then as you get used to the gas lamp, and weary of having to carry it around when you wish to search for something, it becomes better to have electricity, and then to have a combination of electricity and natural light from the sun.  It is the same with light from God.  God is on every step of the staircase of light, but it is far better for us to draw nearer to the perfection of His light rather than to grow comfortable on the staircase simply because we feel some degree of His presence, rather than of His fulness. 

Recently, those of us in the United States have experienced a life-changing spiritual and temporal event, the decision of the Supreme Court to refuse hearings about same-sex marriage.  I could, at length, discuss why this is detrimental to same-sex couples, those in their families, friends of such individuals, members of society both religious and non-religious alike, and so forth.  However, such conversation only serves a peripheral purpose in the discourse I'm attempting to make here.  I've already made that discourse in a separate blog post (see "Civility, Morality, and Homosexuality"), due to the Supreme Court decision a while ago about Utah not being able to refuse same-sex marriage, and then of course the ensuing actions by the Governor to restrain such events from happening.  What I wish to do today is explain the importance of us shining as examples- warriors of light for God.  In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ taught:

"Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.  Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.  Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Matthew 5:14-16)

What's the significance, though?  Surely between others seeing our good works and glorifying our Heavenly Father, there must be an intermediate step.  That step is simply this, as spoken of by Peter:  "But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you" (1st Peter 3:15)  By having the companionship of the Spirit by denying ourselves of all ungodliness, we also shall glorify God in our hearts, thereby showing others the joy and hope we are feeling inside our hearts.  To many, our lifestyle of meeting our needs in alternative ways -especially in emotions and sex- does not indicate personal fulfillment, happiness, or self-loyalty.  However, our enduring hope and joy will prove otherwise, leading people to ask why we are so happy, fulfilled, peaceful, and optimistic about the future.  As we testify of Christ to such individuals, it can and will lead many of them to glorify our Heavenly Father-even to the point of investigating and perhaps joining the Church.  As part of the rising generation, I am shining as an example because I love my Savior, Jesus Christ, and I want to hold up His light, "that which (I) have seen (Him) do" (3rd Nephi 18:24) 

In a world of deception, confusion, chaos, and darkness, I love bearing witness of the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  In and through Him, all things are made possible.  As Paul taught:

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

Through Christ, we can endure.  This does not mean we grit our teeth and look up to heaven in exasperation, frustration, anger, sadness, etc. and tell God with heavy hearts we'll do what He wants.  No, it means that with a light heart and cheerful manner, we will do all within the power of grace to follow after Jesus Christ, by means of our agency.  And by the teachings of the scriptures, God has taught us that we can always find the way to make it through all opposition.  In some form or another, Christ will leave His mark upon our individual journey we're meant to take to come back to Him.  The principles of the gospel will remain the same, but we will discover that in obeying such principles, our execution of them will vary according to our life circumstances.  

Through this marvelous endurance, we can better understand those surrounding us who experience same-sex attraction and are struggling in their desires to follow Christ.  We can also understand how to exercise respect and civility towards anyone with differing opinions, while treating them as we would friends and family.  Everyone is a child of God, and if God does not have respect to persons, neither should we.  Let's shine His light, because His love is our reason for hoping and joying in His saving, exalting power.  I bear my witness that He lives, that He comprehends our sufferings and strugglings perfectly.  If we come to Christ, He will gently guide us back into the ways of light.  May we be His hands in that process.  Love you all.  Until next time....

Alternative Gay Pride

Thank you for taking a few moments to read my blog today.  In this post, I wish to discuss gay pride in a very different context than that we are usually used to hearing.  It is others' business if they choose to go participate in flaunting their sexuality in parades and such, but I choose not to do so because I do not believe God approves of such behavior.  I believe this because we all are spirit children of our Heavenly Father, and we are far more than our sexuality.  However, in a world where sexuality is waved around on an advertised banner (which, in this case, is rainbow-colored), and hardly regarded with respect or sanctity, I know it is our place as disciples of Christ to show others a different way.  God's way never has been flashy, conceited, morally relativistic, or otherwise varying from the path of righteousness.  His way is simple- it is Christ.  And our Savior is humble, selfless, morally black and white, and perfect in the path of righteousness.  So, how can we shine as members of the Church while experiencing same-sex attraction? 

In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ gives us the answer.  "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16)  Three essential principles exist here when it comes to setting an example out there.  First, our light and our light alone must be what shines.  When we allow our light to shine before the Lord, it acts as a beautiful light for others to follow in spiritual darkness.  For those who are willing to surrender their spiritual deafness, blindness, lameness, etc., the example of a righteous disciple leads into eternal life.  Naturally, that light will not always be well-received, for as the Savior taught, "If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you." (John 15:19)  Faithful members can take comfort in this scripture, as I do though, which declares, "We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death.  Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him.  Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren."  (1st John 3:14-16)  In essence, as we love the brethren (speaking of General Authorities) and the children of God around us, worldly people will hate us and God will continue loving us.

Second, the result of our light shining is that others will see our good works.  What good does this do for someone experiencing SSA and faithfully living church standards?  It leads others into the light and gives them inexpressible hope, because they know they're not alone.  Satan would have us believe that our example doesn't make a difference, but we make a difference whether the fruits of our work are seen or not.  Some people plant seeds, some people water them, some pull weeds, some stand guard at the garden gates, and others simply point out the beauty of the trees and their fruit.  It just depends on where you are in the beautiful journey to the destination of personal peace and same-sex attraction.  That personal peace is what everyone so desperately seeks in the Church, and some do not find it for many different reasons.  Primarily, though, it is because such people forget who they are and why they're here.  People say we're here to become like our Heavenly Father, but they misinterpret that statement.  The scriptures give insight in Abraham, where it declares, "And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them;  And they who keep their first estate shall be added upon; and they who keep not their first estate shall not have glory in the same kingdom with those who keep their first estate; and they who keep their second estate shall have glory added upon their heads for ever and ever." (Abraham 3:25-26).  

Essentially, when we do whatever the Lord wants, we get eternal life.  That doesn't mean we have to be perfect, in fact, the Lord never has asked individual perfection of us.  He merely asks that we rely on His Atonement, while making and keeping sacred covenants.  His grace is what saves and exalts us; we merely let others see our good works so that they can witness how good works change us into Christlike beings.  As a result of them witnessing that, the witness begins to grow in their hearts, leading them to glorify our Father in Heaven.  This holds true not only in this life, as members with same-sex attraction find friends, receive comforting revelation and direction, and so forth, but it also holds true in the next life when such attractions will fall away, as promised by Elder Holland.  Then those surrounding us with same-sex attraction will have even greater cause to glorify our Father in Heaven, because they will inherit all He has, partly due to our example and leading them in the ways of righteousness.  The Voices of Hope project is a perfect example of this, in which people write essays and/or testify of Christ on video, speaking truth and love regarding how it is possible through the Savior to live a faithful life, while experiencing SSA.  

It is a beautiful truth that our example can be such a marvelous example of "pride", in the sense of confidence towards our God.  As it says in Doctrine and Covenants, "...Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly, then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God....the Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion." (D&C 121:45, 46).  We are proud to be His disciples with pure thoughts, confidently walking on the pathway of righteousness in His presence and loving others by the guidance of the Holy Ghost.  This kind of figurative "pride" blesses others, quietly, anonymously, and without show or flashy flaunting.  It is the Lord's way of teaching, the way of teaching which is embodied in the statement, "Preach the gospel, and when necessary, use words."  Let's preach the gospel that way, and show others alternative gay pride.  After all, the Lord did speak of it 2,000 years ago on a rocky hill.  We can spread it everywhere today.  Until next time, my friends.  Love you all! 

"Love...As Thyself"

When you see the scripture, "Love thy neighbor as thyself", I'd imagine your first thought would turn to serving others, and admirably so.  If you look at it from a perspective of loving others as yourself, just with that little emphasis you discover an important mindset.  Your love for yourself should equal how you love others.  For some this may mean loving others more, for others, it may mean bringing themselves out of a low self-esteem, a poor self-image, and self-deprecation.  I wish to focus on the latter, and show how loving yourself as you would a good friend directly relates to the journey of same-sex attraction.

What are your thoughts regarding the phrase, "Be gentle with yourself", I wonder?  Because in all honesty, that is the mindset that will carry out the principle of loving yourself.  Some people may think of a gentleness with self in terms of the physical-taking a nap, resting up, etc.  Others may view it emotionally.  For example, you may relax through recreation, uplift yourself through positive self-affirmations, and so on.  How about when you are called upon by God to shoulder a heavy burden, a confusing/conflicting experience, or other oppositional circumstance?  I personally believe that sometimes, in my life, I've expected far too much of myself instead of allowing myself that gentle state of simply existing and communing with God.  Though I've often devoted myself to the service of others while experiencing same-sex attraction, those feelings still hold sway over me.  I can selflessly focus on others all I want, but they will still be there.  In my experience, it has been quite a journey to just be okay in the moment of everything, including unwanted, confusing, or even just annoying attractions to other men.  I would like to share how I've learned to let go of harsh treatment with myself, and instead given way for the healing of self-acceptance.  Everyone's journey with same-sex attraction varies, but we all work under the direction of the same gospel principles, and will all end up exalted if we stay on the beaten path to God.  Mine centers on one principle.

In recent weeks, I've had trials pile up on me as I have submitted myself wholly to Christ to maintain my worthiness of a temple recommend.  Old addictions, reminders of really old sins, unkind individuals, work stress , discouragement, loneliness, social rejection, and worse plagued me for 3 months.  Finally, when I had my nervous breakdown due to all the stress, I ended up having a dark evening where I lost nearly all my desire to live and hope for life.  I wrote a large suicide note on Facebook, contacted my friends and family and told them goodbye...all of it.  However, my mother persisted until finally she got a hold of me.  As we talked on the phone, I sobbed my heart out and tears poured down my face, totally breaking down emotionally.  Such is what happens when you bottle up intense emotion and just square your shoulders to the task, without ever stopping to take care of yourself and return to balance of mind, body, and spirit.

With a soul filled with gratitude, however, I watched as miracles happened.  My mother was going to pick me up, since I had calmed down quite a lot.  However, the police came to pick me up 10 minutes before she did, and I did not know who had called them.  Nobody knew where I was, and I'd checked my environment to be sure nobody knew.  Furthermore, when the police came to take me to the psychiatric ward, they informed me of the Facebook post and texts they'd seen.  How I ended up getting picked up, I still cannot say-except maybe that God was watching over me.  Other things happened too.  An eligibility specialist came to me at the hospital, and as we talked she found out I qualified for Medicaid, told me she'd file all the paperwork, and that as a result, my hospital bill and outpatient mental health services would be paid for entirely.  She further referred me to a company who has a 97% success rate in filing disability claims, where I filed an application.  Plus, I received other temporal assistance and income through a benefit of my work that kicks in when you become emotionally incapacitated like me.  Best of all, however, they figured out what was going on in my brain and I've been emotionally stable and truly, consistently happy for the first time in years.  What a gift.  I've been seeking that for what feels like forever.

Although God's children may experience exceptions due to a restriction of freedom (i.e., mental illness or learning disability), joy is typically a choice.  This results from our capacity to find happy events, people, circumstances, and so on even when life hands us the severest of trials.  When I've centered my thoughts around gratitude, it has relaxed me and pointed my path towards love for God, myself, and others.  The self is the most notable of them, since love of self rests at the core of gentleness with self.  Think of your gentleness with a baby niece or nephew.  It arises out of your love for him or her as an innocent, beautiful bundle of life.  That same sort of emotion, though more well-developed and internalized, has come about I've allowed my mind, heart, soul, and body to be okay with being loved.  That proved to be a life-changing mindset, for as I have loved myself, I've loved God more and opened myself up to Him.  I literally have fallen into the arms of my Savior after that, trusting in Him and knowing that "all things work together for the good of them that love God".  Anyone who reads this can walk in that same pathway of peace, for being gentle with yourself as you experience same-sex attraction will be a rod to hold onto, no matter what you feel, say, think, or do.  We all are progressing and learning.  Love yourself, and the world will follow after.  Until next time!  I love you all...

Alone, But Not Alone

Imagine you are part of a gathering of loved ones and/or friends, disconnected and oblivious to the love and emotional connections around you.  People stop to compliment the nice shirt you're wearing, even talk with you and tell you how wonderful it is to hear about the professional, spiritual, emotional, and other accomplishments you're achieving.  Yet, something in your heart (or head) tells you that you cannot relate, that you are not "able" to make friends there, or whatever other nonsense that you can think of that would prevent you from socializing.  I would call this either Satan's whisperings, trouble with depression or another mental illness,  or perhaps just a lack of desire to be around such individuals.  It seems as though I have often played the part of that individual, only to realize it doesn't serve me and to turn back.  How often I have believed myself to be alone, but really would have experienced companionship had I opened my eyes!

So many good people around me show me love, compassion, friendship, brotherhood, and more, and yet because they did not speak my love language, I have mistakenly thought I could not understand them at all.  Does it take perfect understanding (or any at all, I might add) to know that people are communicating love in a foreign language?  Hands that serve, gifts passing from hand to hand, smiles, laughter, hugs, hand-holding, people sitting together and talking- are these all not witnesses of love?  As I have pondered over the nature of love for the past couple of months, I have come to realize how much I, Spencer Stevens, am loved by those surrounding me.  What is my point?  You, my Reader, are loved!!!  You may feel alone, you may feel abandoned, betrayed, lost, hurt, or whatever, but I promise you have love in your life if you will open your spiritual eyes and ears to see and hear the beautiful symphony of love around you.  If a symphony is playing, and I want to know who is playing what, even deafness couldn't stop me from pointing out who is playing what instrument.  Similarly, it is the same with love languages.  Different people speak different love languages, but merely by virtue of observing them, you can easily know and feel of their meaningful existence!

In addition, even if you are the most hated, rejected, and isolated individual in the whole world, you are NEVER alone.  If you tune in through the Spirit and reach out, the inseparability of God's love will immediately reach into your soul in return and start healing your heart.  A heart can only receive love once it first gives it.  We love Him because He first loved us, John the Beloved taught, and that includes loving others-because whatever we do unto others, we do unto Him.  It is all the same.  Loving others is no different than loving God.  Therefore, as I have discovered, when we freely give our love with zero expectations of others-including reciprocation-something miraculous happens.  People begin opening up, putting down their walls, and loving us in return.  But here's the trick- it is never coerced and never put up on a scoreboard.  It never has "strings attached".  Love is everything Paul described it as... something beautiful, glorious, and celestial.  Remember that Heavenly Father and the Savior love you with deep, unwavering, and inseparable love.  The journey to opening your eyes permanently to love around you may prove difficult, but as you take it, you'll discover at first you may feel alone, but eventually come to see and feel how much you're loved and surrounded by friendship, family, acquaintences, and companionship.  Love all of you!

Love is Divine

When people say, "love is divine", they usually mean that love is completely blissful and you feel as though you spend every waking moment until death with your lover.  It reaches deep into your soul and creates a sense of wanting to sacrifice for the other person, and binds you to them in emotional, mental, and physical ways.  While all of this is true, and it tends to be how we think of love, I recently heard a statement by Elder Holland that summarizes the central and most significant part of true love.  When I was attending the Ogden temple open house, he said in the film preceding the tour, "There is something eternal in the statement, 'Neither is the man without the woman, nor the woman without the man, in the Lord'.  That is more than good sociology; it is theology, and it is doctrine."  The scriptures speak of the love of God being the highest and purest of all the forms of love we experience as mortals, such as when Paul wrote his famous discourse on charity in 1st Corinthians.  As such, since we seek to exemplify Jesus in all things, we ought to reflect that same love in the love we profess to possess in our relationships.  Love is divine, meaning that true love comes from God and can only exist in pure, wholesome circumstances. 

Elder Holland has also written other things on love.  In the BYU talk, "How Do I Love Thee?", he stated that it is not the when, why, why not, where, but the how that matters in true love.  As I contemplate this, it becomes clear to me that Elder Holland was most definitely listening to the Spirit when he told us this, because the Savior so often condemned the Pharisees and the Sadducees for doing good works for the wrong reasons.  He once even went as far to tell them that they "omit the weightier matters of the law", clarifying that they were leaving out charity from their works.  Without pure and undefiled love, the things we do and the people we engage in relationships with do not matter and often become detrimental.  Thus, the "how" also matters in love because not only must our intentions remain pure, but our feelings as well while expressing that love.  When we speak of same-sex attraction, sometimes we refer to same-sex couples (whether romantic or married, it can be either) as "being in love".  I would firmly state that because all love is divine, this is impossible.  We cannot feel something divine and holy in impure circumstances, regardless of how strictly we may observe the Law of Chastity, if we desire to spend all our time with someone, or if we make countless sacrifices for the same-sex individual whom we profess "true love" for.  Generally speaking, all arguments against my convictions of truth here center around thoughts and emotions.  However, some may feel that actions in contradiction to the Law of Chastity are also justifiable.

Brothers and sisters, Christ made the Law of Chastity very, very plain since ancient times and has since.  Sexual relations, unless otherwise revealed by practices of polygamy, are strictly for one man and one woman.  Since the days of Adam, prophets, apostles, and priesthood leaders of every kind have warned against violating this law.  We are bought with a price, and our bodies are the temples of God.  As Paul said, if we are sanctified by the Spirit and are dwelling in Christ by that same Spirit, our bodies are then temples.  If we defile ourselves as temples of God, then the Lord will destroy us if we do not repent.  There is no gray area when it comes to this law.  Either we are living it or we aren't.  Either we are abstaining from same-sex relations outside of heterosexual marriage or we are not.  Sensuality and sex are not part of God's plan before marriage, period.   The scriptures are plain as word can be on this matter, and I believe that most, if not all, reading this, are wise enough to believe and follow after them.  Enough said on that matter, then.

Moving forward, why else is love divine?  The example of our first parents, Adam and Eve, demonstrates a beautiful, sacred love story.  If we step back and look at that part of the scriptures, where everything began, it would make sense for God to follow the natural order of things.  Before He married them in the garden of Eden and commanded them to bring forth children, surely He must have allowed them to pass through the natural order of mortal romance.  It would not make sense for God to merely marry them, then command them to have children.  That would be contrary to God's nature of love, because such a scenario would bypass the feelings that lead to sex, the necessary gateway for childbearing.  Where is the scriptural evidence, then?   A wonderful quote from a BYU speech entitled, "Love and Marriage" by Theodore M. Burton states this:

"When Adam saw Eve, that glorious being who had been sealed to him as his wife, he was filled with love for her, for she had been taken symbolically from his rib next to his heart. She was not taken from his head to stand over him, nor from his breast to go before him, nor from his back to walk three paces behind him, nor from his foot to be trodden upon. She was taken symbolically from his side—close to his heart to stand by him as a noble companion.

As his heart filled with love for her, he said: 'This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man' (Genesis 2:23). What Adam meant by these words can be paraphrased thusly: 'I love her with all my heart. She is as important to me as life itself. She is as vital to me as my own flesh and bone. I treasure her as I do my own body—as much as my own life. Without her life would be meaningless. I love her!' "  If our first parents experience true, romantic love as God designed it, why then should anything have changed?  It has not- for celestial marriage is not merely the pronouncement of an eternal sealing between a man and a woman.   It is the entire process to get there and stay on that path to exaltation, being central to the Plan of Salvation, and is therefore "ordained of God" (see The Family:  A Proclamation to the World).

That leads me to my final point of why love is divine, summarized perfectly by Marvin J. Ashton when he declared:

"True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time. Too often expediency, infatuation, stimulation, persuasion, or lust are mistaken for love. How hollow, how empty if our love is no deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them!

We must at regular and appropriate intervals speak and reassure others of our love and the long time it takes to prove it by our actions. Real love does take time. The Great Shepherd had the same thoughts in mind when he taught, “If ye love me, keep my commandments” (John 14:15; italics added) and “If ye love me feed my sheep” (John 21:16; italics added). Love demands action if it is to be continuing. Love is a process. Love is not a declaration. Love is not an announcement. Love is not a passing fancy. Love is not an expediency. Love is not a convenience. “If ye love me, keep my commandments” and “If ye love me feed my sheep” are God-given proclamations that should remind us we can often best show our love..."

I testify that true love is divine, and that because of this, we must be wise to discern between what is love, and what is merely infatuation, chemical romance (which is merely that rush of feelings when you romantically get to know someone amazing), close friendship, and so forth.  Since true love is divine, it also includes the purity of the Spirit at all times, and cannot include violations of God's commandments throughout its process.  What I mean, to clarify, is that we cannot claim to be "in love" with someone while violating the Law of Chastity, or when we are acting in ways that contradict the counsel of the General Authorities.  What they speak is more than just good advice- it is the will of God for us (D&C 68:5-6).  There are so many reasons why true love is always pure and wholesome, but it is up to us to stay within those bounds of purity and wholesomeness.  If we do not, I can testify that it will lead to spiritual destruction and misery.  I have been there and I know that justifying things contrary to God's commandments to fulfill personal passions and/or desires ultimately leads to spiritual despair.  Joy comes from pursuing a close relationship to Jesus Christ, and being true to the ultimate divine love- His love.  I testify of the truth of this, with all my heart and soul.  Until next time, brothers and sisters...

Symbolic Triumph

Welcome back to my blog, my friends.  I have not written in my blog for a while due to personal life issues and the difficulty I've often encountered in coping with the draining nature of my job.  However, I have found the energy and inspiration to compose this blog post, and I hope you find it edifying.  Thank you for continuing to read this blog post, and I hope that after a year of posting, I have made some kind of remark here and there that has helped you heal in your journey with same-sex attraction.  For those who are friends and family, I hope you have discovered more awareness of the unique situation that SSA individuals (particularly members of the LDS Church) find themselves in.  Finally, all of you who are straight, nonmembers, and so on, I hope you have come to know this blog as a source of knowledge and awareness, and as well as motivation for greater love and compassion towards those who experience SSA.

Yesterday, for the first time since December of 2012, God finally granted me the marvelous blessing of being able to walk through the entrance doors into His temple, and to go all the way inside to the baptismal font.  My friends and I discussed the symbols of the temple, both inside and on the grounds, drinking in the Spirit which is there in immeasurable strength.  As I look back on my experience with the temple that day, some symbols existed for me personally to be edified by and to share as an edifying testimony for all of you to read.  The Spirit urged me to write a blog post sometime soon, and finally I experienced something that I simply couldn't resist writing about.

You see, I had my temple trip yesterday all planned out.  Things would go smoothly- I would be picked up by my rental car early in the morning, fill out a bit of paperwork, and cheerfully go on my way to do ordinances I'd dug up by doing genealogy a couple Sundays in a row.  But since Satan hated the idea of me going, he wanted to throw all he had to make it collapse around my ears...in other words, he threw a tantrum.  I was informed by the rental company I had to give them a 50.00 deposit via credit or debit card with a card in my name (which was not possible, due to an accidental overdraw on my account).  So, I was without a car.  No problem, I reasoned, my friend going with me could just pick me up.  He agreed to, but then I suddenly remembered my job interview at 11am, which was just an hour after we'd be done there.  I tried everything to make it work, only to have the Spirit prompt me to ask my friend to take me.  He agreed. More complications arose, however, because I also had to pick up dry cleaning and go get part of my job portfolio reprinted.  My friend took care of all that as well.  In short, because of the love of a friend, my spiritual and temporal needs were taken care of.

Christ once said we are His friends, if we do whatsoever He commands us.  Obeying such a sentiment would result in us being temple worthy, and as one General Authority once noted, we are never lost when we can see the temple.  But sometimes, opposition will arise when we can see the temple, when we can practically feel the recommend in our hands and hear the bishop telling us congratulations on the good work for our worthiness.  I realized based on my experience that we cannot expect things to go all perfectly on our journey to the temple and the same goes for our journey with same-sex attraction.  We may be arriving at a landmark point of being more capable of physical touch, friendship, callings in the Church, priesthood/temple worthiness, etc., all of which can help alleviate some of the inner conflict we may feel over our same-sex attraction.  Then the unthinkable and unprecedented happens, and we may well feel tempted to give up or get discouraged, as I did when my father suggested that my job interview was more important than getting to the temple (for reasons that I would say are plausible, but not totally sound).  However, we must remember as I did in that moment who is on our side and why we are doing what we are doing.  I remembered my Savior and why I wanted to be back in His holy house.  I prayed with all my heart and asked for help, which was then when things started to work out.

If you're at a place in your journey where success is within sight, and the very forces of hell itself seem to be opposing you (or even mild to moderate life issues), remember that is when you are the very closest.  Satan will lie and try with all his might to dissuade you from this truth.  But I testify to you with all my sincerity of heart that I know Christ lets opposition come at the last part of the night, only to intervene at the last minute because He knows we will remember that experience.  And when we remember it, we will cry out to Him in faith and trust again for strength and deliverance, knowing He'll be there. 

Another amazing symbol I want to tell you outright, instead of "showing" you, is that I didn't experience what I was expecting when I went to the temple.  I did not get a single ordinance done because there were people already there doing ordinances. However, I still felt the Spirit.  Sometimes, in our journey we arrive somewhere wonderful...only to complain that we are not actually experiencing the thing itself.  Examples might include talking of celestial marriage or attending a wedding reception, seeing happy families together, hearing of people receiving the priesthood or getting endowed, and so forth.  However, I know Heavenly Father sends those moments to us to inspire our hearts with love for Him and our fellow man, faith in His Son, Jesus Christ, and hope for a brighter tomorrow.  My temporary triumph over Satan has been symbolic, but sweeter than I can possibly describe to you.  Keep persevering on your similar journey to a clean, holy place filled with the Spirit, and do not give up because you cannot experience it yet.  Let the symbolic experience of it, the bad and good, testify to you that God is there and will bless you with your heart's desires in His time.  I love you all!  Until next time...

My Gay Anniversary & Speaking OUT

A little over a year ago, I publicly announced on Facebook that I was gay and Mormon.  At that time in my life, I was struggling to keep my covenants and therefore my conversion to Christ suffered as well.  Some of the power Satan was exerting over me originated from the spiritual uncertainty and angst that I was experiencing over being gay and LDS at the same time.  Although I would tell several friends and individuals that being gay and LDS is not a sin, and that there was no shame in it, I still experienced that shame.  A sense of "being different" had settled on me like some kind of stubbornly persistent disease, and I couldn't shake it.  As I moved forward, however, drinking in the love, grace, mercy, long-suffering, and hope from my Savior, Jesus Christ, my soul gradually filled with light and the dark lies of Satan faded out of my mind.  I came to deeply comprehend with my heart what it truly means to be a son of God, and to enjoy an intimate, deep, and personalized relationship with Christ.  He showed me that although my sexual orientation had influenced me to commit sin in the past, I had repented and changed, and therefore should not identify myself with the guilt and shame associated with that sin.  Sometimes, I think all of us SSA members want to associate shame, guilt, etc. with our weaknesses and sins tied into our SSA, because that is what we remember feeling when we would make mistakes or transgress.  I testify, however, that God desires for us to identify by our true selves, as His beloved sons and daughters.  Truly nothing can separate us from His everlasting arms of love, as Paul testified in Romans 8.  I love that concept, for it shows that we can throw off the chains of Satan's diabolical, whispered lies, and embrace the comforting whispers of the Spirit.

Through blogging here on Blogspot, I have learned many coping mechanisms, truths, and wonderful assets of having same-sex attraction.  It is so good to know that I can use this as a gift to bless mankind, because I have a testimony of eternal truth and therefore can find ways to be happy.  It saddens me how many individuals feel that they have to be true to some false, worldly teaching of who they are.  If we are to look to the world to teach us who we are, perhaps we should look among the wisest and greatest of men- for they, of all people, knew that we are something higher than ourselves, because we were created by someone higher than ourselves.  I sincerely am grateful to know that because I am a son of God, I can be true to that and keep myself sexually pure and worthy before the Lord.  The world will mock, disapprove, jeer, laugh, and all the rest of it because of such a decision.  But I believe, as do many others, that it is possible through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ-His Atonement- to be chaste before Him.  There is more to life than sex, and fulfillment can be found in similar ways to romance.  I am true to myself, because who I am is divine, just as everyone else. 

Though I have learned and taught much through my blog, more importantly, I have been able to speak OUT.  And what I mean by that is by coming OUT and reaching OUT, I have been able to bring people OUT of the shadows.  Now, why do I put "out" in all caps?  Because it emphasizes being out in the sunlight, with the warmth of gospel truth, love of friends and family, and the joy that only following Christ can give.  It puts the weight on reaching with hands of love, drawing people out of the shadows of shame, guilt, low self-esteem, etc. and showing them that they can find love and have value in the Lord's eyes.  And above all, it declares to every living soul who experiences same-sex attraction, whether LDS or not, that they are defined by their Creator and His love for them- not some lesser, base worldly standard of sex or sensuality.  All people are of great worth to God and ought to be to us, because of who they are in God's eyes.  He loves all His children without partiality and will always be there for all of them.  It is my personal belief that because of this most important principle-that everyone is defined as a child of God-that individuals with same-sex attraction are here to teach us how to love more purely, deeply, and purposefully.  Love is indeed the most powerful force in the universe, because any given force in the universe can only temporarily bond or rip apart two people or intelligent beings (such as animals).  But love can forever do both, for time and all eternity. 

Such love, what Latter-Day Saints call charity, is what motivated our Savior to suffer, bleed, die, and rise again for us.  That same love can unify the Saints and people of the world as we all strive to understand what it means to truly love those who may seem to be different.  In all reality, though, how different am I to be gay and Mormon?  All things considered, I am not really different at all.  For you see, everyone has something that makes them unusual.   And focusing on sexual orientation would be no different than focusing on mental illness, physical disability, or something else that openly or discreetly makes someone different.  Love sees past those differences, embracing the truth of God while loving the individual.  And that love, combined with the Holy Spirit, has been what moved my heart more than once to stand before a congregation of Latter-Day Saint brothers and sisters, testifying of my experience with same-sex attraction and how I am living the gospel regardless of that experience.  We are all called upon by God to live with something that may, at times, oppose our efforts to live in harmony with the teachings of Christ.  But I decided long before I knew I was gay that I would follow the Savior, when I got baptized and could feel the Spirit and my Heavenly Father's love.   I told myself that day that I wanted to always be clean, and to show the Lord how much I loved Him by doing as He asked as much as I possibly could.   That is why I live the way I do, and that is why I have spoken out about that lifestyle of being faithful to my covenants while being gay and LDS. 

It is my firm belief that all of us, whatever our "thing" is, that we should all strive to speak OUT about our experience.  What is your story?  For those of us with same-sex attraction, our story might be one of struggle, personal conflict, current personal peace, testimony, and so on.  Such a personal witness will be an indescribably fortifying influence in the lives of friends and even complete strangers.  I have personally experienced that as I have reached out to members and nonmembers alike, because generally speaking, we all want to live in accordance with high moral standards, if not the gospel itself.  Others will share stories of abuse, mental illness, poverty, physical illness, and more.  Those stories can and will strengthen others immensely, too.  But just like the good news of the gospel, we need to share the good news of overcoming the darkness within, that shame, pain, guilt, despair, self-consciousness, and all the rest of that negative crap.  Everyone, regardless of religious conviction, spiritual belief, or the absence of such, must surely feel the humane pull of compassion to reach out in love.  As such, I would urge all of my readers to not keep silent but to speak OUT, because everyone can use extra hope and additional light from God.  We are never to close to His eternal love and light.  We can only ever become better and better off as we draw near unto His blessed presence.  I love you all, and sincerely thank you for your support, love, compassion, patience, and all the rest of it in my life.  Without you, I couldn't have possibly started this blog or do any of the other things that make up the character of who I am today.  I am the man I am because of my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ, and the wonderful people like friends & family who they send to be their hands.  God bless you all.  Until next time...

Heavenly Antidotes

Satan is a jerk.  We are all aware of this.  He fights unfairly, he is a coward, he kicks us when we're down, and tries to drag us down when we're feeling good.  He truly is the ultimate "Debbie Downer", as some would say.  In stark contrast, Christ is our best friend, our confidant, and our one and only constant in this life.  He fights our battles for us, He is filled with perfect courage, He lifts us up and cheers us when we're down, and pushes us up higher into the clouds when we're already feeling on top of the world, or even just having a good time.  That being said, each of these spiritual beings in our lives uses their own tools.  Those tools, depending on our personal decisions, will influence us towards heaven's edification and purification, or paint our lives with the brushstroke of hell's depressive, staining mark.  My aim today, in speaking towards individuals who experience SSA, identify as gay/lesbian/straight/bi/transgender, etc. is to show how we can all embrace the edifying influence of Christ to purge out the poisons of Satan. 

Some years ago, when I still attended college, I read an excellent talk by Elder Kevin W. Pearson of the Seventy entitled, "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ".  It spoke of six "destructive D's" that Satan uses to bring us down into misery, for "he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself" (2nd Nephi 2:27).  As I studied the different primary tactics that Satan uses, I wanted to figure out some counterattacks so that I could apply them to my life in the future.  What resulted from this venture to find that information has provided great blessings of comfort, strength, eternal perspective, faith, hope, and love in my darkest hours.  Perhaps, in the subconscious recesses of my mind, it has been habit of turning to these principles that has rescued me during dark days of despair and depression concerning my own sins and weaknesses.  In any case, I am grateful to have them, and to now share them with each of you.  I won't elaborate on the destructive D's because we are all well aware of what such negativity feels like. It should be noted, however, that they are listed according to the progress of spiritual destruction. Without further ado, here they are: 

1.  Doubt
2.  Discouragement
3.  Distraction
4.  Lack of diligence
5.  Disobedience
6.  Disbelief

I experienced similar emotions when I studied "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis at a later time in my life- a sense of righteous indignation towards Satan, frustration at any lack of knowledge of how to triumph over him, and sadness in knowing that so many were affected by such evil, diabolical trickery.  However, not long after I read this talk, I somehow stumbled across the talk, "A Prophet's Prayer and Counsel for Youth", by President Hinckley.  He called them the six B's, but I chose to dub them the six Building B's as an opposing name to the Destructive D's.  Here they are, listed in order as well: 

1.  Be grateful
2.  Be smart
3.  Be clean
4.  Be true
5.  Be humble
6.  Be prayerful

It is my firm testimony that these are heavenly antidotes to Satan's poisonous, destructive influences.  If you "take an antidote" listed above when feeling one of the "poisons", I know it'll fade.  For example, have you ever tried feeling discouraged if you pour out your heart in thanks to God in prayer, and then ask to feel His love?  It won't work, because darkness cannot tolerate the presence of light.  It will always slip back to where it belongs- into the shadows, away from the light of God.  My simple witness today, without too much fancy wording or deep doctrine, is that God has heavenly antidotes for the poisons of hell.  And ultimately, all of these are made possible through the atoning sacrifice of our Savior and Elder Brother, Jesus Christ.  I know this to be true.  I hope that all of us, regardless of our sexual orientation, will remember to lean upon that in our times of difficulty.  And when we do, the poison will be purged and we will be made whole again.  Until next time...  : ) 

Act As Though It Is

Over the weekend, like some of you, I attended the fabulous and deeply informative North Star International conference.  Though the first conference ever, board members had planned it for months and consequently it turned out to be a marvelous success.  I befriended several people, saw old friends I had not seen in some time, learned much, and laughed much.  On the whole, this conference lifted me to heights I have not been at before, and taught me how I can be a healer of souls and a minister of grace on my journey with same-sex attraction, even as my Savior is right now.  For really, if one contemplates all that the Lord did, it is quite possible that included ministering to individuals with this experience-even if it was but a few.  And because of His Atonement, Christ perfectly understands in love how to aid us in our journey with SSA, and that with compassionate hands.

One of the speakers at the North Star conference spoke on a particular subject that moved me somewhat, because oftentimes my focus on this journey had been inward.  Few of my friends fully understood what it was like to experience this, I reasoned, and so I coped with it mostly on my own.  At the conference, however, I realized that now is the time for me to really start turning my focus outward, to be vocal about same-sex attraction in the Church with a spirit of boldness and love.  It is also time that I really start to make an additional effort to be the healer of souls and minister of grace that I mentioned earlier, because heaven knows we all can use healing and grace in such a world as ours.  Today, I wish to expound somewhat on that topic from the conference, which focuses on helping others through missionary work of a sort.  The principle the speaker talked about is, "If you are struggling to believe or 'cannot' believe something the Church teaches, act as though it is true."  Now, I intend this to be a spiritual experiment...one that indeed imitates one we can find in 32nd chapter of Alma. 

Alma urged, "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." (Alma 32:27)  Now, he is not saying, "Okay, just pretend as though this principle or that principle is true because you want to believe it, and then you'll eventually believe."  No, the essence of this is that we are testing the principle out, similar to test driving a car or stepping out into a lake before swimming.  When one does that, we would not say, "Oh, that guy is just pretending to drive a car", or "He's just acting like he can swim".  That would be ludicrous!  It is the first step of what I believe to be open-mindedness towards belief, whether that is a temporal belief such as "this car is the right one for me" or "this water is the right temperature".  Both hold the commonality that we are trying to see if they are going to meet our expectations.  This is what Alma is saying- to test the waters of belief so that we can see that experiment will not harm us, thus leading to openness about receiving the word of God.  

When it comes to SSA, some of us (including family members and friends) have difficulty receiving the word of God, because it often appears difficult and, at times, seemingly impossible for us to obey.  We are told that God loves us the same as everyone else, and yet we find that hard to understand as we bear the burdens associated with not having children, spouses, sexual expression, and more.  Sometimes people act in insensitive, careless, or just downright cruel ways about the attractions we experience, and it gives us cause to wonder the purpose God may have-if He has one at all, we say- behind it all.  I testify that as we keep clinging to the Iron Rod, though those mists of darkness may blind our eyes so we are confused and cannot see immediate solutions, we will prevail.  It may seem like the darkness draws us away, with whispers of self-doubt, depression, discouragement, and even despair.  However, the Light of the World has promised us that His shining influence will always be at our side.  Jesus Christ will help us have strength when we cannot understand the wise purposes in Him for letting us continue in pain, or for lengthening out the days in which we are confused about the purposes of certain doctrines and practices of the Church.  Sometimes, our pain is lengthened to strengthen others in their pain, and often our confusion is there to test our faithfulness to Christ, to see if we will hold onto what we do know and center our focus and spirit on that.  If we do not understand or think we can understand why certain doctrines or practices are there, or why some of us suffer in our journey with SSA, let me testify of something to you.

This testing of the waters of belief I have spoken of is no simple task, meaning that you won't just go and do, then...ta-da!  you will know it's true or right.  No, you will live it and likely experience much opposition as Satan does his worst to confuse, misdirect, and otherwise destroy you.  It is no simple task, other than the simplicity of being able to see the fruits of what comes out of living the gospel of Jesus Christ with a child's mind and heart.  If you humbly seek out your Savior while "acting as though it is" true and right, I testify to you with all my heart that you will come to know why it is true and why it is right.   You will feel the light of Christ fill your life, and as Alma expressed, you will say to yourself that it expands your soul, enlightens your understanding, and even becomes something delicious to you.  The sweet influence of the Spirit will distill upon your heart and soul, and you will understand that acting as though it is true and right, though testing the waters of belief, really only ever was living in the light shining down from Christ Himself.  I testify of the truthfulness of this principle... I truly have seen it fulfilled in my life when I didn't quite understand something or think I could believe it.  But still, God revealed the truth of it to me.  I pray you may come to that understanding if you have not yet.  Have a beautiful Sabbath!  Until next time...

Tithing & SSA: Our Offering

You're probably already asking what tithing has to do with same-sex attraction.  I love relating SSA to seemingly unrelated topics, because then it grabs others' attention and forces them to think outside the box a bit.  To rule out a few things, however, let me just start with the first point.  We all know that paying tithing requires faith, not money, because faith is what makes it happen.  Because faith is such a broad term and because I am saving such a discussion about faith and SSA for later, I am focusing on other areas in which tithing is correlated.  In addition, tithing commonly refers back to perfect obedience.   I legitimately laugh at this, because perfect obedience and same-sex attraction certainly do not mix.  Moving on, then, let's press forward into the actual topics at hand.

To start, think to yourself how many times you've heard the net income vs. gross income debate about paying tithing in the Church.  The Church, though it has not come out with some formal declaration about tithing, has surprisingly provided some amazing clarifications about how we pay tithing.  Elder John A.Widtsoe once remarked, "...Tithing means one-tenth of a person’s income, interest, or increase. The merchant should pay tithing upon the net income of his business, the farmer upon the net income of his farming operations; the wage earner or salaried man upon the wage or salary earned by him. Out of the remaining nine-tenths he pays his current expenses … etc... Tithing should be given upon the basis of our full earned income."  Based on this statement of an apostle, I feel it appropriate to say that we should pay on our net income.  Brigham Young also said, "...all there is on this earth that we have in our possession is the Lord's and he requires one-tenth of this for the building up of His Kingdom."  The key phrase is "in our possession".  So, we ought to pay on our net income.  Now, what link is there between this and SSA?

You see, some people choose to pay gross income and in so doing will often sacrifice more than God is actually requiring of us.  Now you can understand why I had to establish my position with the prophets and apostles first- I can't say what God thinks unless it has been revealed.  Anyhow, getting back to the principle- how often do SSA members think they have to give more to God than is required of them?  For example, some members believe that it's an absolute requirement of God for them to get married in this life.  Not true.  God expects us to put forward our best efforts in that regard, and for some, that goes as far as making friends with the opposite sex.  As a result, members with SSA then take that knowledge into the afterlife where their SSA is resolved.  How about with repressing the attractions themselves?  Did God ever require of us that we should just push those emotions deep down, to let them fester away?  Hardly.  In fact, it is my personal opinion that God is opposed to such behavior because it fosters an unstable, volatile internal environment.  This, in turn, could potentially lead to acting out in sinful behavior.  I believe God is a proponent of expressing those emotions healthily or simply entertaining them with plaintive regard until they leave.  Never could I imagine my Heavenly Father expecting me to be passive or passive-aggressive with my feelings, regardless of their potential to lead to sin or not. 

Members with SSA make other sacrifices, too, and the list is more extensive than I have time to write about.  But I think it best if I cover some of the more common and unhealthy kinds.  For instance, some men deprive themselves of physical affection and healthy male friendships.  This may be a result of fear for their spiritual welfare, paranoia about increasing SSA feelings, etc.  Personally, I have discovered in my life and observed in those around me that if kept within proper spiritual and emotional boundaries, healthy touch and friendships actually serve as a healing, stabilizing catalyst in the journey with these attractions.  The former First Presidency (with President Hinckley) counseled, "Good friendships can and should be formed at every age", and this is true.  Friends create a marvelous connection by which we can draw closer to God, feel His love, bask in the joy of life, and more.  Friendship is a gift from God.  Physical affection, too, is something that Christ exemplified His entire life, particularly with John the Beloved and His other apostles.  And two of His beloved sons, David and Jonathan, enjoyed a very beautiful, sacred friendship in which they were physically affectionate as well.  Please, brothers and sisters, do not sacrifice beauty for ashes in the journey of SSA.  I know that God is willing to take our ashes and transform them into spiritual diamonds for all to see.

The other insight I have gained from tithing comes from us all paying different amounts of tithing.  The incomes of a single working mother vs. a CEO in the Church are going to be vastly different, but neither is greater in the Lord's eyes.  What matters to Him is how the gift is given, not how large the gift is.  As the scriptures say, "God loveth a cheerful giver."  Now, how about us?  Do we judge ourselves by "how much" we can offer up before the altar of the Lord, how well we're doing, the amount of progress with repentance we're making, and so on?  Or do we judge ourselves by how our heart is changing day to day, the motives that push us to serve and love our Savior and our fellow brothers and sisters, and more?  God is not so much interested in how much we give, although He is glad we have much to contribute, I'm sure.  Rather, I believe with all my heart that if we offer up what we can in our journey, doing what we can to draw nearer to the Lord, He will receive our offering with joy and a blessing upon our heads.  We can give so much from day to day...and sometimes what we can give will differ on a day-to-day basis.  But thank goodness the same God who said we would be judged according to our works also said that we should only think about today.  One day at a time, we can make today a heavenly day- and give God our offering. 

Cultural Mormonism and Being Gay

Part of me really questioned writing this post, because I'm certain it will annoy some people.  Then the other side of me pushed back, for I know that regardless of what I write, it cannot possibly please everyone.  I write for personal expression & insight, selfless service, and to strengthen my conversion to Christ-not for popularity.  Naturally, I love reaching a large audience-but I would rather touch a few individuals on a personal level than gain a generic, watered-down audience.  That being said, let's discuss cultural Mormonism and how sometimes affects Latter-Day Saints when a gay Latter-Day Saint is in their midst.  What I will say about others' negative behavior, as a sort of disclaimer here, is not always true- in fact, many times it is not.  However, for the benefit of both parties, I want to lay down what I have observed as a Latter-Day Saint.

To start, what is "cultural Mormonism"?  It is the social culture in the Church that is sometimes mistaken for doctrine and unfortunately will often promote un-Christlike behaviors such as gossiping, unrighteous judging, excluding eccentric individuals, and so on.  To say the least, it is not something I ever recommend embracing, because much of it drives away the Spirit.  And when you mix gay people into the picture... well, it turns into something that is downright ugly sometimes.  Now, don't get me wrong here.  My intent is to provide a positive, uplifting experience by writing this.  I have seen many members treat gay individuals with great respect, love, acceptance, and compassion.  Today, though, it's time to expose cultural Mormonism for what it really is, and encourage gay Latter-Day Saints in their faithfulness.

To begin, I noted that cultural Mormonism is sometimes mistaken for doctrine.  Some examples include:  Young LDS men and women should be married by their mid to late twenties, caffeine violates the Word of Wisdom, words of General Authorities are always the word of God, expressing frustration or negativity towards someone in church (even if it's assertive) is bad, and so forth.  Not a single one of these is true, because they are all contingent on opinion-including the words of General Authorities, meaning that an opinion of a General Authority does not constitute doctrine (D&C 68:4).  This can be spiritually detrimental for gay LDS individuals, because how do they feel if people are constantly pressuring them to get married and have children if that's not what they desire, or if members are pushing them to date?  Is it sinful or even erroneous for an individual to not desire marriage and family or a dating life, due to their sexuality?  Some members certainly seem to act like it- but nobody in authority, including the Savior, has condemned this.  Indeed, Elder Hales once remarked in a CES fireside that those who do not get married in this life at no fault of their own will have a chance for marriage in eternity.  And the Strength of Youth pamphlet comments that some people date because they have no desire to do so, confirming that this is normal and okay.  Some wonderful Latter-Day Saints I know of didn't get married until their late thirties, or still haven't married in their forties, and I know several individuals who are still dating into their thirties.  Celestial dating and marriage happen on the Lord's time; earthly dating and marriage in mortals' time. 

What of the General Authorities' words always being doctrine?  That is hardly true, although I am a firm believer that their words are almost always doctrine.  The reason that they cannot always speak doctrine is because they are imperfect, as President Uchtdorf recently stated in General Conference.  And sometimes, being human, they also sometimes give opinions that are not sufficiently backed up by scripture.  President Harold B. Lee once stated that if we are to discern whether their words are opinion or not, we are to look to the scriptures.  If the scriptures back the General Authority's words, then they are the word of God.  Sometimes, however, a well-intentioned General Authority could give an opinion about same-sex attraction that isn't doctrinally sound-for example, that same-sex attraction is meant to be overcome through the Atonement of Christ in every case.  They also might say other opinions, like it is an active choice, that it comes from parental influence, etc.  But none of these statements can be backed by the scriptures-indeed, the scriptures will contradict each one if you search thoroughly enough.  I would strongly recommend handling anything you regard as "doctrine" with tact, love, compassion, and open-mindedness around gay LDS individuals, because you might have an opinion rather than some doctrine.   And from personal experience, I can tell you the last thing a member with same-sex attraction wants or needs is something more to increase the challenge of enduring faithfully and joyously in their journey.

What about cultural Mormonism sometimes promoting the un-Christlike behavior I mentioned?  How does that come about?  What I have often observed is that younger members, and sometimes older ones, will stay in their own personal cliques.  Anything new and strange threatens the comfort and security of those cliques, and so people reject or otherwise persecute individuals for fear of change & eccentricity, and because of pride.  It also could potentially arise from fear of what others may think of them if they chose to befriend someone different, and from personal insecurities, low self-esteem, narrow-mindedness, and countless other sources.  The key question is, though, is it edifying-that is, does it draw other children of God closer to their Heavenly Father?  In this month's CES fireside, Elder Ballard supported this path of edifying others with same-sex attraction, telling us that regardless of their lifestyle, we should treat them with love and respect.  In the true gospel of Jesus Christ, which is the real reason we attend church (versus cultural Mormonism), we believe in loving others even as we love ourselves.  Whatever we do to others, we do the Savior.  If I were to meet the Savior, I would want Him to look upon me with love and confidence because I chose to speak well of His children and judge them righteously.  That is what I hope we all strive to live by-the loving spirit in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

My dear brothers and sisters, I want to end with a beautifully insightful quote written by Brad Wilcox.  He wrote, "Some Latter-day Saints go through all the right motions without feeling any of the emotions. They settle for rule following instead of religion, for obedience and sacrifice instead of consecration, for testimony instead of conversion, and for cultural Mormonism instead of the soul-transforming fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  It is time for a little zeal with our knowledge."  Isn't today the best day to start really living our religion, consecrating our efforts, working towards conversion, and embracing the 'soul-transforming fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ'?  At the very heart of this gospel is the pure love of Christ, because the center of all we believe, teach, and live for is the beautiful, sacred Atonement.  How then, could we ever consider ourselves His followers unless we choose His teachings over the opinions of men, and start loving all of God's children equally?  Everyone is a child of God, and God loves them all equally.  Surely, then, following Him means we must do the same.  I hope and pray we all will.  Let's start loving everyone, because that is what the gospel of Jesus Christ is all about.  I love you all...have a beautiful day.

Self-Positivity; Children of Light

Oftentimes in my past, whenever I would make a mistake or sin, I would beat myself up mercilessly with negative self-talk, self-hating, and other horrible methods.  When people say we're our own worst critics, they're right-and I took it up to the next level.  My closest friends can attest to this.  There came a time, however, when all of this changed.  You see, I cope with Bipolar Disorder and Asperger's Syndrome, neither of which have very pleasant side effects when you mix them together, and mingle them with socialization.  Though I have learned that people, by nature, tend to tolerate differences and extend lots of compassion, they still have their limits when it comes to mental illness.  And after several years of dealing with people rejecting me or, at best, politely retreating from me because of my struggles with mental, I grew weary of it.  My level of joy had crashed and burned to zero because I thought my self-worth and self-confidence depended to some degree on the opinions of others.  How wrong I was!  After thinking it through, and having to be reminded a few times that others don't define me, I finally started implementing that truth into my life.  Others did not define me then and do not now, because it is my divine identity as a son of God that defines me.  What gives me true joy is the relationship that I enjoy with God the Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ as a result of being a son of God. 

I cannot fully express to you the power that this handed to me once I completely and totally understood with my heart-not just with my head-that I was a beloved son of God, and that was the only place from which I could derive true joy.  God had lifted a weight from my soul, and I started laughing and smiling like I had not done in years.  The fear, shame, doubt, pessimism, and other negativity that had bogged me down from others dissipated, replaced with a reassuring conviction that through Christ, I could continue finding happiness in everyday life.  It also started to change how I viewed my journey with same-sex attraction.  You see, people were only too eager and excited to point out which direction I should take with it.  Some suggested having "fun" with it, and going out to pursue a sexually oriented lifestyle.  Others advised that I should be "true to myself", settle down with another man, and maybe raise some adopted or surrogate children.  And still others argued that I should leave the Church altogether, because of its standards, doctrine, behavior in the public sector, and other supposedly justifiable reasons.  So many voices were clamoring tell me how to live my life, just as they do to all of us whenever we undertake to accomplish something great.  I can testify, however, that because I knew who I truly was in God's eyes, those voices became whispers, and whispers became silence.  His voice, the voice of my Shepherd, became the one voice I listened to.

In your journey, it would not be surprising to look over its contents and discover someone or something opposed to the path you are taking.  However fierce, however subtle, those influences exist for every Church member who walks through life having SSA.  I have witnessed the difference in those who fix their eyes on the Savior, listening to His voice and remembering what defines them and gives them joy.  They stay on the path proscribed and revealed by the apostles and prophets of God, they humbly listen to and follow the Spirit's direction, and the will of God supersedes their earthly and spiritual desires.  People who allow themselves to give heed to those pointing and mocking in the great and spacious building fall away, as Nephi saw in the vision of the tree of life (1st Nephi 8:34).  Each day, I know we can choose to listen to Christ's words about us and for us.  What He declares about us is that we are His, and that He loves us no matter what.  Christ has said that we are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, and able to triumph over Satan through the Atonement's infinite power.  What He speaks for us are the commandments, the beautiful words given through ancient and modern-day scripture-including the words of His servants.  Whatever our circumstances-past, present, or future, I know that we can always follow those words because God will always make a way for us to do so if we step forward with faith.  It is always possible.

Furthermore, in this often challenging and even grueling journey, I have seen it is absolutely essential that I embrace and focus on my strengths, spiritual gifts, and talents.  God has given me those for a reason, one of which is to overcome my weaknesses.  Because I regard SSA as a weakness, in the sense of giving me a greater inclination to and capacity for lust, I focus on incorporating as many of my good characteristics into it as possible.  Amazingly, I have seen those positive personal aspects transform areas of my SSA into assets that bless both my life and others' lives.  In contrast, however, when I choose to center my focus on what I am not doing right, or what I'm not good at, my spirituality and devotion to God decline dramatically.  This happens because I am not centering my thoughts on what I want or what I have, but rather the lack of goodness in my life.  A mindset of self-positivity, or encouraging myself to be more optimistic, creates a closer relationship to God and has greatly empowered me to live the gospel of Christ when it's been most difficult.  The times I've slipped have been the times of self-negativity-when I focused on my lack of good works I was accomplishing.

Brothers and sisters, listen to the Spirit and let Him guide you towards the redemptive power of loving yourself as a child of God.  I promise you, it is worth your effort and you will see a beautiful difference with time.  Your joy does not ever, ever, ever have to depend on someone else-not in the least degree.  You can choose every single day to look in the mirror and love what you see, regardless of the sins you've committed or the foolish mistakes you've made.  We are all children of light, capable of dreaming bigger and better things than the humdrum of daily life.  Drawing upon the wisdom of Joseph Campbell, I urge you to follow your bliss in Christ.  What do you love doing that is wholesome?  Which pure and good person do you love being with?  Seek after those passions and people, following the gospel's teachings, and I know that your journey with SSA will be that much sweeter.  Have a beautiful day!

Abundant SSA Life in Christ

At this time of Easter, a traditional post would focus on the power the resurrection has in direct correlation to same-sex attraction.  We all know that because SSA is a weakness of sorts, though providing much strength if nourished properly, the resurrection will remove it in the afterlife and we will become whole.  All the tears, heartache, pain, and so on that is associated with it will disappear at that point.  All of us who have a sure witness of the Savior's atoning sacrifice know this with certainty.  As such, I wish to point our discussion in a different direction so we can dig a bit deeper into this particular aspect of the Savior's Atonement.  It is a good time to delve into both the letter and the spirit of this particular doctrine. 

What do the simplest parts of the letter say?  We know that through the resurrection of Christ, a restoration of both body and spirit will be brought about, which references our aforementioned closed topic.  However, it also brings about a restoration of our works done in the flesh, charity for charity, faith for faith, and hope for hope.  Those of us who belong to the restored gospel understand that these principles extend far beyond knowledge or even daily activity.  They become part of who we are.  But the question, naturally, is how do they relate to same-sex attraction and the resurrection?

This is where we start delving into the spirit of the resurrection.  You see, because these principles become who we are as disciples of Christ, naturally they must be processes in daily living.  First, we have charity.  For every time that we exercise patience, kindness, happiness at others' triumphs & successes, humility, or any other characteristic of charity, that will reflect on our character in the resurrection.  And naturally, the challenge of same-sex attraction will require charity in several circumstances.  Consider a few of the more common ones, such as those who unrighteously judge, criticize, shun, or even misunderstand those in the Church (or outside it, for that matter) who live with SSA.  Anyone can respond back with catty remarks or contentious words, but it takes true grace as a disciple of Christ to respond with His pure love-even charity.  And as we read in the Book of Mormon, "it shall be restored to him according to his deeds" (Alma 42:27).  I would rather be the individual who can be restored unto love in this life and the next, because I drew upon the grace of God to be loving. 

Next, we can look at faith.  In order to live certain principles of the gospel, such as the Law of Chastity or proper dating and courtship, it requires faith in the words of the prophets and apostles, as well as the words of our Savior Himself.  We have to receive their words "not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the word of God, which effectually worketh also in you that believe" (1 Thessalonians 2:13).  Why?  Because, as the scripture states, it works effectively when we do-it yields fruit.  Faith is also required when relationships do not work out, other SSA friends betray/hurt us, arguments rise against faithful living amid same-sex attraction, and when other demons of life fight against us, like mental illness and addiction.  But, in reference to faith, I have faith that none of us would be called unto this battle unless we would walk away as stronger warriors of light.  The Lord was wise in His choices of who would bear this burden, because He knew that through Him, that burden could become a blessing and a strength to those around us.  Do we want to be restored unto self-confidence and faith in Christ now and for eternity, or is it ultimately desirable to give in or give up (if only temporarily) to chance at having doubts forever? 

Finally, the spirit of hope.  We cannot have hope, unless we have faith.  It is impossible, because faith kindles the fire of hope.  Indeed, so powerful is that flame that Paul taught, "for we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why doth he yet hope for?" (Romans 8:24)  In our darkest hours with same-sex attraction, hope is what saves us from our grief, distress, loneliness, depression, and worse.  We have the ability to overcome because of the brightness of hope that the resurrection of Jesus Christ brings.  Hope for potential marriage and family, hope for righteous friends, hope for emotional and spiritual support, hope for laughter, hope for all good things is what sustains us.  And it is my prayer that as we are in this Easter season, we can ponder on the sacrifice of our Savior, because He is the reason why we can have a "perfect brightness of hope" (2nd Nephi 31:20), pressing forward and enduring to the end to have eternal life with Him and the Father.  The resurrection of Jesus Christ is so much more than overcoming SSA in the next life- it is about living with it in the here and now with perfect joy and optimism.  And I have love, faith, and hope in my heart enough that I can testify this is true.  I hope you all have a wonderful Easter!