What Way, Now? Oh, THAT Way...

What Way, Now?  Oh, THAT Way... 

As I recently celebrated my birthday with friends, with one getting hit in the head with a volleyball, others bringing smiley face, rainbow cupcakes, and still others presenting me with decorative gifts, my thoughts turned to my birth.  Interesting turn of events within my thoughts, but there you are.  As I pondered on my birth, I wondered why so many people believe that SSA individuals are "born that way", or that God made them that way.  For such a celestial, sacred creation of life, it seems blasphemous to suggest that God would simply hand us attractions at a time in life where we just are supposed to cope without any sort of guidance or direction.  I wish to submit a few suggestions on what I feel people are confused about regarding perceptions on being "born that way", but as a 3-part blog.  Here is Part 1:  

People confuse "born that way" and "being born with inclinations".  

When someone indicates they were born with same-sex attraction, it does not cohere with the statements of scripture and of General Authorities.  In Genesis it reads, "So God created man in His own image, in the image of God created he him, male and female created he them" (Genesis 1:27).  The literal translation of the word "image" in this context is a reference to God's physical and spiritual body, meaning more than just we look like He does in human form.  It means we all have a body like God-but in an imperfect form, due to Adam's transgression and the resultant Fall of Adam.  We also have a spiritual body like God's, which is responsible for the inner conflict SSA individuals feel between the attraction and wanting to act in lust. Because of this eternal truth, it is a mistake to believe that we can be born with something that is both physically and spiritually contrary to our purpose of becoming like God through the Atonement in mortality, as a condition. Being born with homosexual tendencies, on the note of it being a purported "condition" we are born with, contradicts the essential doctrine that men can improve upon behavior in this life.  If you say you are born with it, such a statement can easily give way to a license to state that you can sin because there's nothing you can do about it.  As a comparison, I was born with two mental illnesses, as noted in one of my previous posts.  However, that does not excuse sinful or unjust behavior.  I still have to repent and change my ways when I sin against others or against God in my weaknesses.  Similarly, one may try to justify their behavior by saying they are "born that way".  Such a statement can be made in the meaning of one being born with inclinations that develop later through biological and environmental circumstances.  However, for the purpose of banishing all excuse and self-justification, I have separated the two definitions.  

President Spencer W. Kimball made the following statement when writing about those who attempt to excuse acting out on same-sex attraction by stating the following, "Next in seriousness to nonrecognition of the sin is the attempt to justify oneself in this perversion.  Many have been misinformed that they are powerless in the matter, not responsible for the tendency, and that 'God made them that way'. This is untrue as any of the other diabolical lies Satan has concocted.  It is blasphemy.  Man is made in the image of God. Does the pervert think God to be 'that way'?  To the weaklings who argue this way, James answers: 'Blessed is the man that endureth (i.e., resisteth) temptation; for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to all them that love him.  Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God:  for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:  But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.  Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin:  and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.  Do not err, my beloved brethren.  (James 1:12-16).  Sometimes not heavenly but earthly parents get the blame.  Granted that certain conditions make is easier for one to become a pervert, the second Article of Faith teaches that a man will be punished for his own sins.  He can, if normal, rise above the frustrations of childhood and stand on his own feet.  A man may rationalize and excuse himself till the groove is so deep he cannot get out without great difficulty.  But temptations come to all people." (The Miracle of Forgiveness, pp. 85-86).

Differences?

Now, moving on to what the difference is between simply being born that way, and being born with such inclinations.  One difference I see, besides God not tempting us or sending us a condition that is immovable through the Atonement (emotionally speaking, not attraction-wise), is that of acting and not passively being acted upon.  In 2nd Nephi 2:27, we read, "Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man.  And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the Great Mediator of all men, or captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself."  Also, we read in verse 14, "And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and for your learning, for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon."  Based on verse 14, (and personally supplementing it with verse 27) I would support what Elder Bednar said, that we all must choose to act rather than being acted upon.  This gospel is a gospel of action.  To say that SSA happens to you without purpose and simply as a random act of creation through God and/or our mortal parents is blasphemous, and contrary to the Plan of Salvation.  All things we endure, resist, seek after, etc. in the gospel of Christ point towards gaining exaltation through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  We choose to follow Him, not let life happen to us and choose to follow Him through life happening to us.  The Saints of God make life happen and push through trials that do happen as a result of chance-the trials that serve to refine us and draw us nearer to Him.  And if life is happening, it is because we are out there in it, like a person who chooses to walk out in a rainstorm to their car to drive to their destination because they simply must.  Though the rains of attraction, discouragement, fear, doubt, pain, heartache, loneliness, shame, guilt, hopelessness, sorrow, or whatever may fall, SSA members of the Church climb into the Savior's arms, where He carries us home to our destination, and makes far more out of us than we could possibly dream of.  

Another misconception I see which can show a difference between my two definitions is that of biology. Research, in recent years, has indicated that some genetics may predispose a person towards having same-sex attraction.  However, it should be noted that this research says "may predispose (key word, may), and that other research has indicated that such genetics do not necessarily mean that people will be attracted to the same sex.  Essentially what they have found is something that may create more of a favorable circumstance for one to develop such attractions.  But depending on situations like abuse, pornography exposure, molestation, lack of male/female role models (especially in parents or other caretakers), personality traits, and so on, one may or may not develop same-sex attraction.  So many variables exist that they can only pin it down so much, that "point" being a potential, not certain chance of developing said attractions.  I would not hesitate to say either that genetics can actually differ in how much they influence the human body and brain because of their expression, meaning that they might flare up more or less, depending on many various influences of environment and general bodily processes.

Furthermore, I feel that people define emotional connection and lust as the same thing sometimes, which is not only dangerous but also gives people the thought of their SSA originating with birth, which I am here establishing does not happen.  Those mindsets, when confused, create a thought process of not being able to help what one feels, either because of innocence of age or because of overpowering feelings of lust at an age where capability to cope with lust is limited.  Thankfully, as one matures and grows older, he/she can realize and comprehend that such a confusion was not rooted in reality and can return to the truth of how things really were.  Unless, of course, their situation differed somehow.  Really, that is up to the individual. And of course, more can (and probably will, in the future) be said, but this suffices for now, at least by my writings.

So,what way are we born?  As children of God, heirs with Christ, and capable of progression in this life and individual perfection in the next, of being as God is in the world to come.  Is sexuality really a way to define who we are, or perhaps is it something deeper that sexuality only springs out of like the leaves on the branches of a tree trunk?  I believe it is the latter.  We do not know the meaning of all things, as Nephi explained to the angel who appeared to him, but we do know God loves us.  And because God loves us, He created us in His image and all we are and can do reflects who He is in the divine mirror of truth.  We are His, and He is ours.  

Our Joy, Our Choice

"Many people die with their music still in them.  Why is this so?  Too often it is because they are getting ready to live.  Before they know it, time runs out."  This quote, expressed by Oliver Wendell Holmes, shows the sad end of those who do not claim joy as theirs to choose.  I wonder if you, reader, are experiencing such a mentality in your own life.  Certainly your pathway might prove easier if you simply allow life's swift river to carry you wherever it will, or as they say, if you "go with the flow".  In all bluntness, however, permitting someone or something to dictate your life for you really does not fit in with our Heavenly Father's plan.  Elder Bednar expressed it this way in his talk, 'And Nothing Shall Offend Them',

"In the grand division of all of God’s creations, there are things to act and things to be acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:13–14). As sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father, we have been blessed with the gift of moral agency, the capacity for independent action and choice. Endowed with agency, you and I are agents, and we primarily are to act and not just be acted upon."

Jesus taught, "...and your joy no man taketh from you" (John 16:22).  If that is the case, and Elder Bednar has taught what he has as a servant of God, then having joy in our lives must be a choice we have. Employing all of our abilities to seek after gratitude, love, praise towards God, and more will all cultivate a spirit of joy. Even in cases of mental illness, I believe it is difficult to find one who cannot beat depression with dogged persistence and assistance from others to live a healthy lifestyle.  Exercise, writing down 15-20 things one can be grateful for, going and doing favorite activities, believing in oneself, prayer, priesthood blessings, and making positive affirmation statements all help.  Let me expound on a couple of them.

Gratitude, above all, manifests to God that we are determined to "be of good cheer" and to "be content with whatsoever the Lord hath allotted unto (us)", because it shows Him that we are receiving what He is giving us with a spirit of cheerfulness and humility.  Gratitude is so much more than merely expressing thanks when it is necessary or compulsory to do so; one who truly has incorporated gratitude into their lives is grateful for everything his Lord has given him-down to the life he enjoys when he wakes and the air he breathes.  Being grateful means you are glad to have the services that come from bills, that you are glad for the parts of your body that are healthy when you are experiencing sickness, that you are glad you are uninjured when you walk away from a car accident.  It means you are glad to still have your job even though you may walk in late after a hectic drive to work, or that you are glad to have children even though they can be rebellious and just downright nasty sometimes.  Gratitude endures and sees potential for better in the now, not in the future. If you truly love your life, or are grateful for it as I would say, it is in the now, not later.  And if you constantly express gratitude for what you experience now, including moments of simple joy up to the greater joys in life, you will find that God blesses you with more.  As Alma taught, "For what ye shall send out into this world shall return to you again...".  If you send out gratitude, more things will manifest into your life to be grateful for.  It is one of the universal laws of heaven.

Believing in yourself is the other key element to choosing joy over negative feelings.  Because we are all spirit children of our Heavenly Father, Satan's goal is thus:  "He seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself" (2nd Nephi 2:27).  But because we have bodies, he may bruise our heel but we can crush his head through the power of Jesus Christ and His Atonement.  Paul and Gabriel (Noah) both taught that we can do anything with the power of Christ at our side.  And as long as we have a broken heart and a contrite spirit (which essentially means a willingness to do whatever God asks), that power is with us.  Believe in yourself, because nobody can believe in you quite the same as you do.  Others may tell you or I may tell you how you can "best" go about believing in yourself, but the real truth is that you know such a thing best, though others help you discover it.  You can choose joy...it's simply there for you to grab. :)

My Contribution as a Crazy SSA Guy... :D

As many of you are aware, since my teenage years I have dealt with and successfully overcome most of the effects resulting from Asperger's Syndrome and Bipolar Affective Disorder.  Asperger's Syndrome creates a struggle primarily with social skills, which can exacerbate the problems that one already deals with socially because of their feelings for the same sex.  One may already feel as though things are awkward, difficult, heartbreaking, etc. because of their attractions, let alone having a mental illness that complicates things further.  I also would understand if individuals looked at their present situation as one of being shut out from others, even when they come together in a group such as Evergreen or Northstar.  It can become very difficult for them to associate with, relate to, or gain support from such organizational members.  To you individuals, please know you are never, ever alone.  More likely than not you hear this in context of people saying God is always there for you.  Yes, indeed, this is true-always remember that.  However, also remember that I am here for anyone who cannot seem to relate to others, who feels "on the outside", or whose heart breaks because all they want is to do what is right, and yet without social support cannot muster up courage to do so yet.  I am here for you, and my words right now come straight from the compassion of my heart.  You need to understand that though you may read these words as a perfect stranger, you and I are brothers (or brother and sister) by virtue of being children of God.  I see potential in you, like every other individual, and if you called upon me for assistance I would be very grateful and willing to help in any way possible.  Just remember, that you can find ways to attract more love and acceptance into your life.  Try these things for 2-3 weeks, and see what happens:

1.  Give thanks to God every day for every social blessing you have (family, any friends, smiles, laughter, fun, parties, etc.)

2.  If you see someone enjoying friendship, choose to feel happy on purpose for those people!  They are enjoying something beautiful, and if you are happy for them, you will find that it buoys you up and makes your personality more magnetic.  

3.  Love people just for the joy of loving them, and always leave it at that.  Just love purely and with eyes that see the goodness in the other individual you love.  

4.  Focus your efforts on listening and making others feel important.  They will appreciate it.  

As you practice these things, the 3rd suggestion is particularly important because unless you give love first you cannot receive it.  And love is never something that allows for expectation of reward.  Simply give, and you will discover the truthfulness of Christ's words that say, "it is more blessed to give than to receive".  We are more blessed (which, by literal translation, means "happy") when we are directing our primary focus outward, not inward.  

To my bipolar brothers and sisters, I honor you as well for keeping your covenants, and striving to do even better than you already are, doubtlessly.  I can understand that bipolar, with its "delightful" episodes, can create a choice point at which you either redirect energy to prevent episodes or in worse scenarios, you don't have much of a choice.  I would encourage you to read the talk, "Toward a Theory of Human Agency" by Allen E. Bergin, a brilliant LDS psychologist.  He speaks of how our freedom to exercise agency can decrease and increase, because of the weaknesses of the flesh.  And he explains in detail the various factors of our lives that affect our agency, and how it ties into basic gospel principles.  Perhaps this would help those trying to figure out their mental illness or those trying to understand it.  Needless to say though, I completely understand that such things are very real, they hurt, they drive us mad (that can be an understatement), and occasionally we do things that we later regret because of them, due to no fault on our part.  Don't worry-if you can't quite seem to "get a grip" sometimes, it's not because you're broken.  It is because other people want to fix something that is different in its function.  It still gets the job done, though perhaps more slowly, less efficiently, or maybe just in an unusual way.  What matters though, is that your persona is unique and you still do the right things, just with scattered idiosyncrasies.  We all have our strange little things we do...don't worry about it.  Relax, accept yourself, love the fun and weird things within you, and you will find peace.  And people will encircle you in arms of love as you do.  I would recommend the same things as above, with the added advice of listening to your body.   Sleep enough, take time out to relax, eat right, exercise, and just live the Word of Wisdom.  You deserve it, and you need it.  And when you really are worn out with all the various stresses of the day, or maybe you got done with a bipolar episode and things are messy, remember the Atonement (that goes for you Asperger's people too).  The Atonement heals the heart, strengthens the soul, and gives life to the weary.  You can make it if you believe.  

In conclusion, I would encourage you to seek out Christ whenever you cannot seem to find relief.  Though friends, family, priesthood leaders, and other individuals really help us quite wonderfully, I know He is the Master Healer.  You need not be "worthy" or "qualified" of that atoning blood.  Were it so, none of us would need it because we could be perfect and whole ourselves.  But since we cannot, and we need Christ to justify our spirits and bind up our wounds, He has provided the means through prayer whereby we can call down the empowering grace of God to cleanse and strengthen our spirits.  I testify of this truth, for I have experienced it many times.  Pray for angels to attend you, do genealogy to strengthen bonds with ancestors from the past, immerse yourself in the scriptures, and cast aside all silly notions that the world teaches regarding your self-worth or contribution to Zion.  You can make it.  Just believe Christ when He says you can...even if you can only desire to believe, let it grow until you do believe.  You are a child of your Heavenly Father, and you will find peace.  I know this, and I know my Savior lives.  May your coming days be happy.  :)

Addiction and You (or Me)

Most of my readers probably do not think of me as one who would struggle with addiction, partly because I have maintained a reputation for integrity in the gospel and my life in general.  However, if any of you have struggled with addiction or currently are struggling, you know that addiction frequently requires the addict to live a double life.  In the past, I have lived with addiction while attempting to maintain the "ideal image" for someone in their late teens to their early twenties.  I would like to think I lived most of the commandments back then, however, that would not be an honest statement.  My obedience, due to the Spirit leaving me most of the time, decreased and pretty much everything in my life suffered as a result.  Sometimes, we do not realize how much we depend on the Lord until He withdraws His strength due to our sinfulness and refusal to repent.  After practically drowning in a tidal wave of sin (some of which I would rather not write about, because it is done now), I realized that rebellion against God does not equal happiness.  Imagine that.  Alma taught the same principle hundreds of years ago, and I never fully realized how true his statement "wickedness never was happiness" really was until I laid hold on the full blessings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  But some invaluable things I did learn about addiction were these:

1.  Once you are addicted, you cannot "just stop" by willpower or any other means that people often tout.  The very definition of addiction states that one has gradually lost their freedom to choose by giving into incorrect, morally deficient choices.  Christ is the ONLY way out, because as He once said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No man cometh unto the Father, but by me."

2.  Addiction includes two core elements:  the physical and the spiritual.  In any type of addiction, the behavior(s) one acts out on create neural pathways in the brain that connect to the pleasure centers in the brain.  Sexual addictions, in particular, have often been compared by leading professionals to severe drug addictions.  Therefore, the one coping with addiction must learn how to break biochemical chains of addiction as well as spiritual chains.  The spiritual chains are broken by working with priesthood leadership, attending a gospel-based addiction recovery program, and establishing healthy habits that deepen one's relationship with God.

3.  When assisting a person with an addiction, do not criticize, blame, find fault, judge, or otherwise bring down the individual through thought, emotion, words, or actions.  Such negativity will worsen the problem.  Instead, a spirit of charity will love the person back into the kingdom of God when they are ready and on the Lord's timetable.  Also, emphasize in equal balance both the physical and spiritual elements of addiction.  People oftentimes do not realize that you have to treat the full disease, both of body and of spirit.  Be a healer in both areas, as much as lies within your power without controlling or "fixing" the individual.  Love is not "knowing what is best", thinking you are right and they are wrong, etc.  Love is accepting them as a child of God and accentuating their potential by believing in a bright future for them, and rejoicing in current progress and righteousness.

4.  If you are the individual desiring to overcome addiction, utilize every resource at your fingertips and make sure you have a network of loving, supportive people around you who are unafraid to tell you how it is in regards to your overall progress.  They can provide accountability and shed light on potential resolutions in a gentle but firm way.  Stay close to your Father in Heaven and your Savior, because they love you always, even if it feels like sometimes they are distant or whatnot.  They know you individually and so personally you can hardly comprehend it (or myself, for that matter).  If you are not already in it, use the Church's 12-step addiction recovery program.  If that does not resound with you well at first, try the Sons of Helaman program out in Farmington, Utah.  It is for men and women from adolescent to senior ages, and they have options of in-group, texting (which provides anonymity), and email support.  I personally overcame two very difficult addictions through this program, one of which I struggled with for about 10 years.

In any case, all of us live with various thorns in the flesh because of the Fall.  But overcoming sin is part of the Plan, and such sin can turn from sin into strength.  What used to be your captivity (or a loved one's) can transform into a spiritual asset that will empower them to free others, so that they can soar into the starlit sky and into the arms of a loving God, bringing those people with them.  That is the beauty of our Savior's Atonement...it works in even the most desperate of situations, healing our relationship with Him, others, and within ourselves.  I love the Lord for bringing me to higher ground, and for teaching me to trust in and rely on  Him.  Without Jesus Christ, I would be lost.  But now that I have Him with me, I know with all my heart that I can find peace, healing, and comfort in His loving arms.  You, my friend, can as well.  Believe Christ and believe in Him when you hear of His mighty power to heal and cleanse.  He can, "for with God, nothing shall be impossible" (Luke 1:37).  

Life Changes...And Moves On

People have probably anticipated something grandiose, melodramatic, or perhaps even something that displays inner conflict.  In posting my very first post about this, I want to apologize in advance (somewhat sarcastically) to those who are expecting anything more than plain, simple truth.  At this point in my life, I have realized that God's opinion of me, and not the opinions of others, is what really matters in daily life and in the eternal scheme of things.  So, if you are expecting something that stirs conflict or is "controversial", I would say sorry, but I'm not sorry for revealing the truth.   Its propensity to be a reflection of my eternal potential, or to set the flames of gossip ablaze will depend largely on the character, integrity, and charitable nature of the reader, I suppose.  Enough said about that...moving on.

Under normal circumstances, and in any other time of my life, I would never reveal such sensitive and personal information.  But because the Lord has told me to reveal my story, for reasons yet unknown to me (which will be made known later, I'm sure), I have chosen to obey and trust in His mighty power to preserve both my heart and the integrity of my reputation among those who love me.  For, as Proverbs has stated, "A friend loveth at all times, and a brother (or sister, of course) is born for adversity."  I am confident, then, that the statement of a favorite childhood author, Dr. Suess, holds true:  "Be yourself, and those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."  Most of you, I'm certain, will fall into the latter category.  As for the few who choose to gossip, judge unrighteously, etc. I resoundingly say to you that your opinions matter no more to me than the wind that blows past my face, though I always love you as children of God.  

Since by now, reader, you probably are dying to read what I really have to say, here it is.  From the early ages of adolescence, I have struggled against feelings of same-sex attraction.  Yes, I am attracted to women, but since God has allowed this struggle to be a part of my life, I have had to learn how to cope with it in a healthy and gospel-centered manner.  Many of the principles taught by Elder Oaks in his talk (Same-Gender Attraction, 1995) have helped me to remain strong  in the recent past, including that we are defined by our divine identity, that people who struggle with SSA (same-sex attraction) are able to marry in this life if the Lord wills it, and they can enjoy the same blessings of the gospel that regular church members do (see "Helping Those with Same-Gender Attraction by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland).  I have learned through the sacred revelations of the Lord, fortunately, that I will have the blessing of a temple marriage and children in this life.  This also has been an anchor to me as I have coped with the hardships associated with this.  I know that everything will work out largely because of that.  

In addition, my knowledge of the healing and strengthening power of the Lord's Atonement has been nothing short of priceless and glorious.  I have come to know the truth that He truly has "descended below all things" and understands every single affliction and pain that we, as His children, suffer.  I also have come to know through His tender mercies and love that experiencing SSA is never a sin, because to say this would be equivalent to saying that being tempted is a sin.  We all experience the effects of the Fall, and SSA is no different than the rest of the passions and lusts that mankind encounters.  Indeed, I would go boldly as far as saying that it is absolutely the same as one who has heterosexual attraction and deals with issues of overpowering attractions to them that must be held in.  Faithful members of the Church everywhere are called upon to live the law of chastity, no matter what their attraction classification is-heterosexual or same-sex.  And it is just as difficult for the man struggling with issues of overwhelming attractions to women as the man struggling with overwhelming attractions to men.  

Having said all that, I am grateful to have friends who stand by me no matter what happens, and as true friends, love "at all times" and "are born for adversity", as I previously quoted from Proverbs.  I am grateful for a Savior who understands my pains and afflictions, and who is my constant North Star when nobody else is there.  He stands by me, always.  For those of you having these same struggles, I extend my compassion, friendship, and love of God within my heart to you, and say with all the feeling in my heart that I know our Savior lives and loves you, no matter what.  You are not dirty, broken, sinful, or anything like that.  You are a child of God, as am I.  We are all children of our Father in Heaven, and I know this.  May this blog, as it continues in its progress, bless many lives and be a strengthening power to many.